In Japan!

Sorry I only have four minutes left on this f*&*ing machine so as quickly as I can [sigh.more lists]

-There are no hello kitty themed love hotels. Its a lie.

-The women are extremely hot. The men... not so much.

-Am once again ridiculously sick of temples. I never again want to see another one.

-Everybody here and their mums have a dachshund. All their dachshunds wear clothes. Mine doesn't.

-I haven't had sushi once since I got here. I'm starting to think sushi is another myth. Much like love hotels.

52 seconds left! I hope Australia hasn't sunk into a pit hole since I've been gone!

MUch love

I'll be more kawaii in two weeks!

So Mexicana, Kejiim, Sb and I are heading off to Japan this morning. Hello Kitty here I come!

Of course I'm already having Saffron and Minnie withdrawals, I"m sort of wandering around my house looking for them and... nothing. Huh. You kind of expect one or the other to reply you.
Minnie: Woof.
Saffron: Mush, I just want to sleep. Let me sleep.

Anyway, enough moping.. I'm sure they are both in reasonably safe hands.

I'm going! Whee! I'm going to bring back enough knee socks to fill an entire suitcase and when I come back wonder what I'm going to do with twenty four pairs of socks and a Doraemon rice cooker and I promise promise promise that I will come back with heaps of pictures and document every single bizarre thing that happens to me [you know I will]

Until then, keep out of trouble! [all of you!]
Muahs.

Early morning phone calls from my parents make me cranky

11:42

Ring ring.

Me: Hullo? :struggling with sleep

Mum: Hullo! Hi! Its 11:42.. why are you not up yet?

Me: Because I'm sleeping.

Mum: Why are you over sleeping? Is it because your heart is broken?

Me: BECAUSE I'M TIRED.

I am not inebriated!

Falling on your face on the dance floor, salsa-ing badly to a rap song, sobbing hysterically on your friend's shoulder, and asking your very drunk friend [Thanks Dylmah!] to drive you home at 100kms an hour does not equal inebriated.

AM I? AM I? No I'm not. But I get to do it all again on Saturday!

Can I get an eyeroll and a hurrah? Hurrah!

Confusion sprinkled with paranoia

For Christmas I'd like a relationship bar [you know like out of the Sims] which tell you what standing you are with people and how many points out of a hundred the two of you happen to be.

For example, If I was 68 with someone then I would ask them out for a beer but I wouldn't tell them my secrets.

And then if I was 89 with another I would call them and if I saw the stupid bar start to droop when I started talking then I would hang up and go find another 80-something friend to talk to. Or I guess if I ran out of eighty something friends who wanted to listen to me.. I guess I could just call my mum?

And if I saw a person with a very very low score with me I'd probably just avoid them.

See? Handy.

Anyway, I suppose this is just a roundabout way of saying I have no idea where I stand with a single fricking person at this moment in time. When I asked Lighto about this, he just laughed and said I think too much.. he was possibly going to pat me on the head or something. When I asked Sb this, he looked at me and said "Friends. Friends with attraction" [To this, I rolled my eyes and went off to find a book to read] and then there are others who are giving me mixed messages and I think I'm just going to turn off my phone for a while and just concentrate on my two minute noodles. Two minute noodles is never confusing, chicken is always chicken and beef is always beef.

[Unless of course the stupid factory workers mixed them up and never mind.. when does that ever hap[en?]

Things that cheer me up.

Mayonnaise sandwiches.
New episodes of 'The Office' [I heart you Jim Halpert!]
My brand new lip gloss [courtesy of Harpers Bazaar] which ta-dah! lights up when I twist the lid.
And Savage Chicken. I think I've mentioned before previously how much I love Savage Chicken.



Never ever fails to make me laugh. [Also helps that that stupid song has been stuck in my head for two months]

Living alone

Well now that SB has moved out, I have this gigantic [well gigantic to me] house and I don't know what to do with it or with myself.

However for some reason, my mum has taken it upon herself to fill my now [empty-ish] house with her stuff. They include:
Two wine racks
Two baskets
An esky
Random pieces of cloth
A Japanese scroll

While I'm sure my mum has the best intentions.. what am I going to do with a Japanese scroll?? I'm going to give it to Minnie to chew if I can't figure it out soon.

It's lonely when you don't have someone to bounce your opinions off of. At most I'm just talking to Minnie and only Minnie, you can imagine that she doesn't really care about my opinions about whats on tv. She's taken to wandering off as soon as I say something.

The only really good thing I can think of about living alone is drinking the juice straight out of the bottle. But then the juice bottle is a 4L one and chances are if I tried that.. the only thing that would happen is that I'm going to give myself an orange mango shower.

Dating? Not me

This is what I have to look forward to for the next year or so:

"So, Michelle.. what do you think is the most romantic movie of all time?"
"Umm... "[starts to toss up between Casablanca and Sleepless in Seattle, then finally gives up] "Well what do you think is the most romantic movie of all time?"
"Dirty dancing. I think it's a lovely movie"
[starts to horrendously squall in laughter then pulls a straight face] "Yes, nobody puts baby in the corner"

Siiiigh.

My arm is buggered

So in the space of four days my poor [left] arm has been through a lot. Firstly, the elbow went through a window and secondly, Mexicana's dog mistook my hand for a burrito and decided to chomp through it. Consequently, my arm looks like its been through a really angry blender.

Well anyway, since I'm here, I thought I might list some things which I can and can't do one handed.

Can't

- Eat pigeon. I love you mum! and I know you worry about my nutrition but thats a lot of pigeon to try and eat one handed. And now that I have no-one to feed me [or even cut the damn thing up] its damn near impossible to eat. Not even caveman style works, I can't even get to the underside. That was was like four or five pointlessly dead birds.

-Use chopsticks. I can't bend my elbow so I can't bring the chopsticks up to my face. So when I go out to restaurants I have to ask for a fork. When I ask the waitresses for a frigging fork, they look at me ever so mournfully and then shake their heads. Look lady, I'm not betraying your culture, my arm is borked.. and Jesus, can't I ask for a fork without invoking cultural/generational commentary?! I guess not. Huh.

- Go to work. Whee! I'm sure supervisors love this. But the chances of me carrying a tray and then not splitting my elbow to spurt blood all over the nearest patron's face is minimal. Actually, come to think of it, if I spurted blood over their faces- I could see which ones were vampires and then I could stake them thus reducing the amount of coffee I have to make and carry. Good plan huh? Too late now, anyway I didn't go to work this weekend.

-Mop the floor. Well you try mopping it one handed!

Can

- Save the dog from down the street from meeting certain death on Archer Street. I didn't even have to touch her, I just trilled with my extremely melodic voice 'Elllllllllllllieeeeeeeee' and brought her home. Sort of like the pied piper meets Lucy Liu. Of course that gate was a bastard to open but at least I got her home. I know. I'm such a heroine.

- Roll the rubbish bin out. I've never done this before [well I have at work but never at home], it's kind of a thing you can do one handed, so I know if they ever decide to amputate I can spend my life rolling garbage bins up and down a garden path.

-Put my contacts in. It takes twenty minutes and my eyes are red by the end of it, but hey! I can do it. Aren't you proud of me? If next you see me and I don't have them in, it probably means I dropped them down the sink.

-Type. Well you did want to know where I disappeared to, right?

[Where is SB in all of this? Well we've broken up [again? again.] and I'm not really adjusting particularly well so at the moment my emotions are all over the place, but I promise when I feel up to it, I'll write a big long post]

Cheer youself up

"army out of the raw is like building a factory to be manned by expertambulance with them to England, where they wish nothing so much. A fight between planes in the air very rarely happens, except in the a family practitioner at home, the doctor, when the war began, hada dum-dum and worse; for the jacket splits into slivers, which spread announce his objection? But, my dear sir, you are giving your case as a cat watches a mouse. "

I'm feeling very down lately, but reading through this spam cheered me up. Especially hada dum-dum. I'm thinking to use it more in my conversations.
"What? hada dum-dum?"

Or if someone argues with me [as they often do] I will just look at them knowledgably and say "My dear sir, you are giving your case as a cat watches a mouse" or course, they'll probably dial for the local institution afterwards, but at least I managed to get it into the conversation.

An awful retching mess

Deleted for melodramatic awfulness. Sorry, but if I ever get famous, I don't want people to quote me as Mush that nutbag. Though I'm sure they have plenty to quote from including alcoholic binges and bitter rants

Thankful for friends.

Rough patches, rough patches, thesis.

Sooo I needed [yes, needed. Shut up] to go out and flush out three months worth of Britney Spears trivia from my brain. So I do what I do best, I go out and drink really heavily, fling myself around really wildly and then go home and try to sleep it off.

Anyway somewhere during that weekend, I realised [and here's where we get soppy] that I have some really really good friends. I know I've mentioned it before, but it never hurts to mention it again.

Here are the kind of friends I have:

- So I'm out in the club and I'm pretty heavily wasted and I call Lighto and I say.. "Come out!" and he's like "neh.. I'm pretty tired... when are you going home?" and I say "dunno! whee! bye!" [this was around two-ish] and anyway I leave at three thirty and I call him and I'm pretty sure I'm slurring all over the place [I'm a drunk-caller. Eeek] and he said "I'll take you home" and I'm like "you are?" and he said "yeah, I've kind of been waiting up". He was waiting up for me to make sure he could drive me home safely. And it didn't look like it but I almost burst into tears but then I was pretty gone so I think I burst into hysterical pitched giggles instead. [What? my memory is somewhat blurry]

- Mexicana who knew I was feeling somewhat forlorn and alone and took me out to dinner not once but twice and also ran over a roll of bubble wrap with her car with me because I asked her to [she wanted to preserve it for private popping I think] .. You know it's not always the big gestures that make up a friendship, sometimes its the little ones and I can't think of anyone else who would dance with me on a piece of bubble wrap in the middle of a night. You have to go out and find yourself one of those, they're sort of rare.

- And then lastly, there's Lampy whos kind of a new friend of mine. You know lately my self-esteem is bordering near my ankles [those worthless, hopeless feelings] and we arrange to meet and she'll say to me something like "I'm so excited to hang around you" .. or "Lets do this! and this!" or thats she just looking forward to spending time with me, [and really we're not doing anything major like gambling in Vegas, we're just shopping] but she makes me feel 'holy crap, there's someone who's actually excited to see me?!' and I'm sort of thunderstruck by the idea.

So there you are, I have friends that wait for me, friends who are there for me and friends who actually want to see me, and now I'm crying again. The stress has finally broken my brain. Anyway let's just end here with I'm very very grateful.

Dogs are not performance art. People are fuckers.

See this? I'm glad I didn't see this in my local museum because then I would've cried all the way home.

Some numbfucker from Central America saw a stray dog on the street and hired some kids to catch it, he then placed the already sick dog in a museum as an 'art piece' and then placed signs around it telling the viewers not to feed it,.. well of course, if you don't feed something it starves. And so the dog died. In the museum. With people walking around it.

And it makes me so angry I could spit, what the hell is wrong with people sometimes??? What happened to basic human compassion??? and who the hell uses a sick dog as a performance piece?? anyone?!

I really wish that she had enough energy to have bitten his nuts off before she died, maybe karma will get him and he'll be attacked by a pack of wolves on his way to the local park and then while he lays there dying, I hope people walk past him.

Anyway, I'm going to go give Minnie a hug, if you have a pet I hope you do the same.

Gone for the week [Blame lifestyle and media]

This is pretty much my position for the next week. Its the last week of my thesis, so Ms Spears and I will be joined at the hip for the next five or so days, unless something reallllllly interesting happens I'm probably not going to post til then. [I really do think that pic is fricking adorable, I hope its not photoshopped..]

Until then, adios amigos! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

People are feeling ultra violent

So here's a picture of me looking mournful. My entire weekend was dominated by fights- not by me of course but I got to watch some of them [as far as I know, it was not a full moon, mercury was not in retrograde]. I'm only going to detail some of them because well some of them are very long and I heard that most people will only read the top five percent of webpages? So I'm thinking you people will not even finish to the freaking bottom [Am I bitter? Just a little]

So the first fight [none of this is embellished by the way- God's honest truth]

So me and Mexicana were walking down the street in Chinatown when we passed some stacks of free newspapers, and then Mexicana thought it might be good to take some home for Yuki to pee on. As M grabbed a stack, this old lady sitting next to the newspapers said "What are you doing??!"
M: Grabbing newspapers?
Old bag: Put them back!

So anyway she puts them back, and I am outraged. 'Those are free newspapers! Those are not her newspapers! Its your democratic right to take them! *launches into a lecture about free markets" and she goes "You're right!" [Y'know when I'm right, I'm right] so she goes back and takes a stack and we walk away. As we start to walk away this eighty year old launches herself at us and attaches herself to Mexicana's wrist.

I'm struggling to get her hands off her wrist and so I think [ping!] that I'll just grab Mexicana's other wrist and I'll just pull her away- no such luck. Me and this old lady ended up tug of warring Mexicana down the street, well sort of.. it was a bit of an uneven tug of war because obviously I'm stronger than an eighty year old woman half my weight. So anyway I'm yelling "let go! let go!" and she's yelling
"NEWSPAPERS! THEY'RE STEALING NEWSPAPERS"

Finally Mexicana says to me "Ow. My arms hurt. Let go, take the newspapers to my car and I'll peel her off" so off I trot to her car.. doop.. doop.. doop..

When I come back five minutes later, that bag is still connected to her arm! But by now they are surrounded by people gawking at the spectacle, some of them are actually yelling at the old bag and I wonder how long this is going to go on for. Finally, a very nice man steps forward and says "Grandma, grandma please let go" and she does, but not before continuing to screech like a banshee after we leave... something about disrespect and youngsters and stealing..
Poor Mexicana's wrist.

The second fight happened later that night while we were out, I wasn't there exactly when it happened so I'll just recreate it talk-talk style
Chris: [takes Toms hat] Lookie here! I have your hat
Tom: Give that back
Chris: [waves it over his head] Suuuuuure. I'll give it back for twenty dollars
Tom: Give it back.
Chris: [starts flicking it in his face] Woo! Woo! Woo!
Tom: ....... [Wa-dunk- which is the sound of his fist in Chris' face]

And thus ruined the night for everyone, especially Chris and his nose.

Then! On another day...

A customer decides to order a double wild turkey and coke off me. So I hand him the drink at the poker table and walk back to the counter where the bartender asks me "was that a double?".. rolling my eyes profusely.. I decide to take out another nip in a shot glass just in case he noticed his double was a little ... weak...
Turns out I didn't have to do much, he was already distracted by his girlfriend tugging out at his arm. 'Cooooome hoooooome' she whined and he said 'later' and this is when she skitzed out and backhanded his entire set of chips across the table. Ker-freaking-ploosh. And I'm still standing there behind him with a shot glass not knowing what to do with it. She then sits down on his chair and starts to cry while everyone stares dumbfoundedly. Ummmm... ahhhhhh... what should I do? Finally I tap him on the shoulder and say as politely as I possibly can
M: Excuse me? I know this is a realllllly bad time.. and you're quite distracted but the drink I brought you only has one shot in it.. here is the other one. Enjoy!" And then hustled off. It's freaking exemplary customer service.

See? That's only three- there was about another three or four I haven't mentioned yet. And I will not mention, for fear of you people going 'Is that all you do all day?? watch fights?!'' [but yes, that's all I did all weekend]

I finally meet my nemesis

Previously, I don't know if I've mentioned that was there this girl in Sb's nursing home [she's an actual girl, not an 85 year old drooler] who Sb and his friends thought looked exactly like me. Anyway she and Sb developed some sort of complicated relationship which featured the words 'unrequited love' and 'star-crossed lovers' and 'girlfriend that gets hits by a bus because Cupid has ordained her to bugger off and stop getting in the way'. At any point, if you've seen me sometime in the last few weeks I've probably mentioned her in some form or another.

"Sb is in love with my twin"

"My twin is in love with Sb"

"My life is a freaking soap opera! *breaks down into sobs"

Hahaha.. no it wasn't really that, it was kind of a cool bemusement and a topic I could play with at the dinner table [what? there's only so many times I can tell the joke .. what did Sushi A say to Sushi B? WassssssupBi! [Wasabi... geddit? geddit? Blame Mexicana for that joke] ]

Anyway I mentioned to Lighto last week and he said "Why don't the four of us have dinner?" and I burst out laughing "We'll be the table of death stares, She'll be glaring at me, Sb will be glaring at you, and birds will stay away for a 5km radius because our death aura is too overpowering.. also everyone will throw drinks at each other"

So after a few months of horrible mind-bending curiosity, Sb finally brought some photos for me to see.

Here we are, I don't know what is wrong with my paint program but she came out in black and white, and I'm sorry but this photo of her is limited cos this world is small and I think if Sb finds out I'm posting her pic on my blogs he will make me sleep on the couch for the next sixteen months]



What is that???! How is that alike??! We're not even mildly similar! [Unless you count the all asians-look-the-same theory] I'm sorry but in the privacy of my own home I'm going to go into a severe rage dance complete with flailing arms. Yes, her cheeks are much more prominent than mine and my face is flat- thanks for pointing that out.

Whatever- Tomorrow I'm going to take Sb for an eye checkup. Twins? bah, not even in the same genetic code.

Off to Japan we go!

So we've extended our trip to Japan, I'm actually a bit worried about the extending of the hotel.. I mean what if we have to end up sleeping in a capsule or something?? [Getting in at nine thirty at night, being locked up in this thing til nine in the morning. Did I mention I'm claustrophobic??]

So things I want to do in Japan:

Do some jellyfish watching in Enoshima.

Buy a freaking hello kitty toaster

Go to Disneyland

Buy [clean] underwear from a vending machine

And obviously I haven't planned this out particularly well because I can't think of anything else I want to do!

Things I don't want to do:

Go to a 'rape' club [um.. gross?]

Eat whale

And do you notice I'm struggling for topics here?? I think the amount of writing I'm doing for my thesis and my new blog [which I'm just doing for fun] are completely draining me for writing about my life. But don't worry my life isn't too interesting at the moment [I swear!]

Jacky and the Thursday night alco run,

This post is dedicated to my friend Saffron who is still waiting for a packet of F-cup tea. I walked past the same shop and realised they are now selling F-cup cookies. Life is good when they have cookies which make your breasts bigger.


I was also thinking of Saffron when the legendary Jacky Cheung came to town. Because her favourite song is 'Kiss Goodbye' and did I mention how much to God I love Jacky Cheung, I seriously want to take him home and chain him to my couch and everytime I want to him sing, I'll.. just pat him on the head. [I seriously think with Damien Rice, Chris Martin and Jacky tied to my living room, it's going to get quiiite full- but I'll manage]



The most hilarious thing was at the beginning of the concert [whoops I typed couch there. ha] when I was holding tickets, people kept tapping me on the shoulder thinking I was a fricking scalper. Do I LOOK like a scalper? Look at this face! *blinks

Anyway Jacky is the most talented singer and I was overwhelmed with emotion everytime he held a note on his a beautiful song. I was especially touched by the dedication songs to his wife and his daughter [Ok, fine forget Chris- I want to marry Jacky so he can dedicate songs to me and I can cry all the time]

By the end of it, I was horrifyingly sad because I knew I would never see anything like this ever again. But then, it was one of the things I wanted to cross off my 'lifetime' list and I'm grateful that I got to see and appreciate someone so talented [he wasn't such a talented dancer, but I'm thinking you can't have a voice like that and dance perfectly too, it wouldn't be fair]
***

Here are photoes of our Thursday night alcohol run





















Look at my hair! It's great! How often do I have great hair?? Anyway these photoes are from Md, I totally stole them from her facebook.

***

I was at work yesterday and they threw me into Star Lounge, the free food section. I was about to vomit from all the plates that were piled up with regurgitated food, who does that?? Either eat it or don't! Don't gleuuuuuuh all over the fricking plates. Towards the end of my shift, they started to run out of dishes, so one lady decided to put her chow mein on a plastic bag. After that, she put her chow mein in the plastic bag and took it away, and I never never never never want to work there ever again, I cannot think of a more depressing place.

So that was my week, for the moment. I think I will post more later.

My mother and her grandchild.

My mum has a ginormous heart and old fashioned sensibilities, it is because of this to my eternal amusement and occasional irritation, she will sometimes misplace me in her affections. To put it simply, I will get lost in the shuffle every once in a while.

When my mum first saw minnie, she was appalled.. she looked at me, looked at Minnie and said "what is that? Is it a rat? If it is, why didn't you get a white one?". I have to tell you that my mum was terrified of dogs and would get up every morning with a piece of cardboard to fend minnie off. It was kind of the action I would do if I saw a dead roach. But anyway, love bloomed and now she actively pats Minnie and gives her treats- effectively Minnie has become her substitute grandchild.

Ring ring-
Mum: I'm coming over, I'll be there in an hour.
Me: Oh you are huh? Umm.. uhhhh....
Mum: What's wrong?
Me: Well, the trainer said that you can't touch Minnie for a while
Mum: .............
Me: just two weeks. We're just trying the less attention technique
Mum: Then I won't come over.
Me: You're not coming over?
Mum: If I come over, I have to pat her, I don't want to confuse her so I'm not coming over.
Me: I thought you were visiting me?
Mum: I'll call you later.

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

Last weekend in photoes

It has been the most gorgeous week ever, its just.. summer and I'm gearing up to spend my entire summer bumming at the beach [It will not involve anything else but laying on a towel and doing nothing]

Anyway here are the photoes from last weekend, my phone is finally working but now my computer has a virus .. its technological fun for the whole family!

It was a dinner in a korean restaurant in a back alley. True story.






Those glasses are damn geeky. It's the last time I wear them for a photo.


This is like my favourite shot ever. I love the expression on Sb's face. It says "I'm amused, I have no idea what any of you are doing"




At some point during the dinner, Mexicana morphed into Sadako.




And thats what happens when you don't have to clean up the bbq at the end, you throw things on there to see how well they burn.

I'm not giving free drinks to footballers.

I didn't think it was possible but I think my mobile has a virus. Everytime I plug the usb in, my computer just dies. So apologies again for the lack of pictures, I know you really miss me mugging for the camera. I guess I'll just try again tomorrow. Or alternately I'll just use my camera to take a picture of my phone then post it through [its convoluted and the pictures will look terrible... and do you really want to see the photoes that badly?!]

So about the weekend [other than I just worked through the entire thing and I am exhausted]
..let's see..

Work this weekend has been extremely seedy and eye-opening. I sat down with a gaming supervisor and we were just chewing the fat [so to speak] and we got to speaking about his career, he said that basically he wasn't going to get a further promotion because he had a go at the poker players at the things that they did.

Like what?

Well passing each other money under the table.

And? [and this is unsubstantiated but it grossed me out all the same]

He looks at me and says: You know the omaha table [omaha table is table with the players who bet the highest] well whoever wins the most money takes all the rest of the players up to the hotel rooms for sexual favours.

I think I was looking a little bit green because he started laughing at me. Although you would look a little bit green too, because I touch these people's hands when I pass them money, who knows what kinds of germs you pick up from sharing the same woman???! Sloppy thirds? fourths? fifths? Bleugh. And now whenever I walk past that table I think 'ew'.. and then five of them disappeared at once last night and ' double ew'. Of course, they could've just gone for dinner.. but the suspicious seed has been planted already [wrong choice of words. shut up]

And then we have little cases of corruption which don't bother anybody else but bothers me [mostly because it involves me having to look like a simpering fan]. One of the bartenders came up to me and said "Mush, can you ask that guy if he wants a drink? The pit boss wants him to have a free drink."

Me: Mmm, why is he getting free drink?
Bartender: Because he's a footballer.
Me [irritated]: He's getting a free drink because he's a footballer. Is he dehydrated?
Bartender: *gives me death stare

Good grief, I don't want to pump up this guys massive [but strangely cute] head more than it already is. So I go up and glare at him, politely of course. "Excuse me, the supervisor wants you to have a drink? Would you like a drink?" And him, wondering how come the waitress is so hostile [she is not a giggly fan. she doesn't want to give you a free drink based on the fact you can hold a ball and run through a scrum] ever so politely declines.

Siiiiigh. Other things happened that weekend too but I guess I'll just post it tomorrow- hopefully my phone is working then.

In which Mush talks about nothing much

I alternately have the songs' Jack and Diane' and 'Diamonds on the inside' by Ben Harper running through my head, its a good thing they sound somewhat similar, otherwise you'd be facing one unhappy blogger [on a related note, 'If I just lay here' by Snow patrol and 'Every breath you take' makes for an interesting mash up as well. I don't like Snow patrol however, I think they're beyond repetitive. which is odd because I think that ordinarily they'd be a band I like. Y'know mournful. wail-ey. Coldplay type lyrics but bah. Bah for Snow patrol.]

So I think I have fulfilled my talk-y music quota for the month.

Anyway updates from my life.

- Our bathroom lightbulb has finally been fixed. Hurrah! it only took about fourteen calls, two angry emails and a threat to take our horrible-ass landlord to court. That last threat finally got his motor running. We had been showering in the dark for a month. There's a special spot in hell reserved for assholes like him.

- Malawi replied to my note on facebook. She said thanks for the note and it was ok. We're never going to be the best of friends but at least I got that off my chest. [Sb looked at me and said "I think you watch too much Earl", of course this is coming from someone who remembers the faces of people who wronged him so he can pee on their door handles]

- The thesis. Halfway through my first rough draft. My tutor asked me to speak to a prominent feminist to get her opinion. It was like trying to catch a frog with a piece of popcorn. First her emails bounced and then when I called her she said to email and I said the emails bounce! she said try again. So I emailed AGAIN and then she emailed back with why don't you call me? I had to pop my eyes back in from rolling them so much. She emailed ever so sweetly that she would love to help me if I was doing my masters. I am not doing my masters.

Hokai. Finally she said "Call me on wednesday" and so I called her this morning. I have done quite a bit of interviewing in my short undergraduate career, but this was seriously the worst interview I've ever done. She shot down all my questions with "I don't think.." you know if other journalists can answer my questions .. the very same questions.. why can't you?? I didn't know if she was expecting more pseudo-intellectual questions [such as Lacanian theory suggests that we are all lacking, what exactly about Britney are we lacking and what does this say about Derridean theory?. Please shoot me if I ever start asking questions like that in the middle of an interview] Finally I cut it short because her answers pretty much killed any remaining questions I had left. She is the director of communications at UNSW, if you're the director of communications. Communicate?!. For Gods sake, answer the goddamn question, don't say you don't think anything of Britney because even freaking president Bush has an opinion on Britney.

Siiigh. In hindsight, I wouldn't have spent so much time chasing after her. Dems the breaks I guess.

F-cup tea

I walked past this yesterday and as I skimmed past it I thought vaguely, why do only people with f-cups get tea? and then I realised that it was tea for people who want f-cups.

So I thought I would take a picture of it so you can have a giggle. [Or I can have a giggle, since my thesis on Britney is depressing me. So she bombed at the VMA's.. Can she now please move to Montana so I don't have to read articles where people are nasty to her? I'm looking at you Perez Hilton]

Here it is! My tattoo! Three years in the making!

Shes looking a little demonic here. I hope she lightens up.

So Lighto and I made it to the front of the tattoo parlour and he had a hard enough keeping me from running off and chugging down four shots of absinthe. We went in and there was already a couple of girls and a gaggle of mainland teenagers. The drilling was making me antsy and the poor chinese girl getting a rose and a butterfly [gag] on her ankle was making me feel worse. Her face was red and she looked like at any second she was going to burst into tears. She was gripping the table like the table was about to save her life.

Breathe. breathe. Its her ankle. Its the bone. Yours will not hurt as much.

By the way, all you people who say it doesn't hurt are liars! liars!

The tattooist who was very nice to me tried to make me feel better by making some really really terrible jokes. If I could remember what they were, I would tell you.

So I turned up the ipod up to eleven and the drilling began. I could still hear the drilling through my ipod [frick] and the pain was ridiculous. It was as if someone was taking a cigarette to my skin. And I was making the most awful faces from the pain, squinching and biting.. I think I heard some other customers having a giggle at my faux-orgasm face [the fact that I can hear giggles and drilling through my ipod means that either a] my ipod sucks or b] they must have supersonic giggles. Its an either or]

I was gripping Lighto's arm so hard I was putting dents in it. So I kept switching spots on his arm. the end result being he didn't have one big bruise, but several smaller bruises. He looked like someone dotted him with purple texta.

The wait took about an hour. But the tattooing only take ten minutes. Ten minutes! It was two and a half songs!

Anyway it was three year process to get my courage up. Its my first and last tattoo.

In bed with Mush

Why are you in bed?

I'm doing my thesis in bed. The internet distracts me.

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing pink pyjamas with love hearts on them. My mum bought them. They are not sexy.

Do you really look like that when you get up?

Yes, but generally I'm in colour.

Why are you so lazy?

Genetics?

You haven't posted real pictures for months! and now you give us these cheap photos with your hair unbrushed and in your pyjamas?!

I can't really explain that. I'm hoping you think its cute. It probably isn't.

What is that stuff behind you?

QV cream, my reading glasses and this ugly ass flamingo cup that my aunty bought me for christmas.

What turns you on?

Get away, you perverted fucker.

Are you going to post something real soon? Or are you going to just continue to put up photoes of you in bed?

I will post up something real soon, right after I finish my nap.

How nine year olds can ruin lives

You know with the amount of time that I spend bugging around on facebook [instead of doing my thesis!] I was bound to hit upon people from my past from high schools and former workmates. And there were heaps.

Anyway, to cut to the chase for some reason or another I typed in the name of one of my former primary school classmates, for privacy's sake we'll call her Malawi.

Around the age of nine, I was a bit of a little shit.. I was a nine year old on a power trip [well if nine years olds can have power trips then I was on one], there was only three other girls in my grade. One I designated my best friend and the other two I regularly tormented, well I wasn't a tween Goering or anything but you know I would leave them out of things and be mean to them behind their backs.

At one point, it all went terribly wrong, we were out walking towards some sort of sporting event and I asked my best friend "So tell me stuff about Malawi. " I was fishing for gossip [even at that age], and the other girl said "yeah, what does she do?".

She looked at me and said "She has sex with her dog. They walk around naked so the dog can lick them" And being nine.. we were thunder struck. It never occurred to us that she could be lying.

At any point, all of this stuff somehow came out [I still don't know how to this day] and she was taken to the principals office and parents were called in. When Malawi's mum came out she went straight up to me, looked me in the eye and said "You didn't believe any of the things she said did you? She's a very naughty girl". I shook my head mutely. I can still remember the look in her eyes, analysing me. Why would we and how could we be so hurtful?

Afterwards we cornered her, and we were outraged. How could you lie to us?! Why would you lie to us?? And weeping she said "You kept asking and asking, and I didn't have anything to tell you, so I made it up".

At the end of the year, the other girl and I moved away, leaving my best friend and Malawi the only two girls in that playground. I heard that occasionally they still played with each other after I left.

Anyway, I saw Malawi on facebook. From her photo and everything, she turned out alright. She's quite pretty. I thought it would probably do to get it off my chest to apologise for being such a shit. So I've sent her a letter, here's hoping she reads it.

Whenever I was bullied in high school I would think of it and think of her and I tried to not mind so much because I knew a lot of it was karmic. Watch your kids people, kids are cruel.

Its a tattoo sign!

As you all know I've been seriously thinking about getting a tattoo for what? two years now? And the other day I saw this girl with this awesome tattoo on her hand right in the spot nestled between her thumb and her index finger. And it gave me pangs.. as in where the hell is my tattoo?? How come I still don't have a little waving Hello Kitty on my back??

Anyway I was seriously considering this as I walked off the train when right past me a girl walks with a Hello Kitty bag. And you know what? I will take that as a sign. I am going to do it!

More listing stuff instead of actual blogging

More random stuff, because my posting has been so sporadic. [Does anyone else remember that quote from Clueless? "I'll see you later!" "I hope not sporadically.." hahaha sorry thats probably funnier in context. Watch the movie]

* I love my parents. My parents drive me crazy. They're the only people I know who will whisper "bomb" in a restaurant because they think we're being bugged by the government. A Chinese restaurant. In North Sydney.

*Last week I saw the first moon eclipse of my life. [I also missed Halleys Comet, but I was three..?]
And it was...well not even mildly romantic. I don't know what I was expecting, but it was blood red and why does my first eclipse have to be blood red?? Why couldn't it have been like a light blue or something instead of looking like an incoming apocalypse?

* My friend Saffron and her husband-to-be are coming with us to Japan! Hooray! We're going to drink sake and watch hentai [ha. Just kidding about the hentai. She once showed me a cartoon where the woman was being tortured by being electrocuted by her genitals, after which she lost control of her bladder. And that? turned me off sex forever and ever. It also made me fearful of people that hold clamps]

* I am putting off doing my thesis.

* I am also putting off work experience.

* Apparently I'm going to be a bum and work at the casino for the rest of my life

* I'm put off by men with big heads. Theres a guy I'm going to school with, who has a massive head literally and metaphorically. Well I guess a big head would be good for... head butting? I don't know.

And back to avoiding doing my thesis. Sigh.

10 things about the weekend

1. I inadvertently watched two Liev Schrieber movies this weekend. You know how with some actors you feel like you could be friends in real life? I don't feel that with Liev. He'd look at me disapprovingly and I'd yell "you! are not! my dad!" before slinking away somewhere.

2. I still hate work. Ta-dah!

3. I dyed my hair blonde, well streaky blonde, some people called it brown, others called it hazel. I'm the only one who thinks its blonde, so apparently I'm also colour blind.

4. Theres a woman moving in next door with her maltese, which should make for some interesting fights. [Between Minnie and the maltese, not me and the woman. I'm a lover not a fighter..]

5. Getting drunk will generally end up with me singing loudly and badly at two in the morning.

6. James Blunt does not belong in the middle of a happy hardcore collection [and never ever ever will]

7. No-one likes taking vodka shots

8. When someone at work offers to take you up the butt, the correct answer is "Sure, how about now?" and not "whuh?". Because "whuh?" will ensure you are teased mercilessly til the end of the day. Also "whuh?" is a terrible comeback.

9. Getting up at one in the morning to mark your boyfriend's essay is the mark of a true saint. [Me. saint.]

10. And the best fact for last, apparently Hitler had a thing for golden showers. Its true because I watched it on tv. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.. [I just went off on another set of giggles]

The weekend in the fourth dimension from hell.

[back to being whiny.. are you glad??!]


So on Sunday morning, its pissing down rain and Sb comes out of the bathroom and says "The lightbulb is leaking water" he says it all calmly and then he goes into hysterical the-titanic-is-sinking mode "ITS LEAKING WATER. I HATE THIS PLACE! RAWRRR *drools"

The bathroom is flooded with water coming out of every single electrical plug you can think of, so I calmly and surely called an electrician and cancelled all my plans for that day [which included eating much birthday cake and sitting around not thinking about leaky houses]

However, I still had to go to work and when I went in.. it was chaos. For the ten hours straight that I was there, it packed to the gills. It was a rainy Sunday night.. all you assholes go home! Go watch Sixty minutes, spend time with your kids.. anything?! I did two hours of overtime and the place was still wallopingly busy at two in the morning. I began to make death wishes to everyone that ordered a drink.

So fiiiiinally after the shift from hell, I decided to catch a cab home, we mostly drove in silence except for the one time I ventured into conversation "Don't you think its dangerous to drive in this weather?". Famous fricking last words.

I asked him to turn left and he turned right, when I said don't worry, just stop I'll walk. He shook his head and said "No worries" then proceeded to reverse ACROSS THE INTERSECTION. Well who knew what happened next, because my head made friends with the side window and all I could hear was the grinding of metal and myself shrieking. [It was an involuntary shriek of course, I'm not really a shrieker]

So we all got out and stood in the pouring rain to try and figure this out and the taxi driver and the girl are arguing and they both want my phone number and the pen is not really the kind that you use underwater. So the taxi driver pushes me back into the taxi, and I'm fumbling for the light switch because I can't see and his dodgy ass light doesn't have a dodgy ass protective cover and so I burn my hand. Instant welts. At this point, my rage is apocalyptic.

I politely excuse myself and tell them I'm going to lay down IN MY HOUSE. Thats where I live, if you want to find me I'll be in there. In the foetal position. So I slush home and find that there are no keys in my bag and so I pound on the window king-kong style until Sb wakes up. Wherein he finds me in shock and tears and sends me to have a shower.

And of course the bathroom has no lights, so I shower in the dark. Thus ending the worst weekend ever. Maybe not the worst, but up there with the all time greats.

Not Alone

I was walking home from college tonight and it was quite dark. But I was okay because I was listening to my ipod and ignoring everything, and then the song ‘Talk’ came on by Coldplay [which is not a freaky thing into itself obviously]. I started whistling the first few bars and then I stopped. I remembered that Sb told me that you shouldn’t whistle at night because it attracts ghosts and then I freaked myself the hell out. I started seeing shadows and movements everywhere and I’m thinking “God.. let me get past this dark area…” and lo and behold, two cars drive past me*.. so I’m tided over for a bit. And then I get to this part where its extremely dark- under trees and no lights at all, not even a soft glow from housing windows “Dear God, let me walk past this bit ok” .. and then a car I didn’t even know had a person in it turns its headlights on and shines on me til I get to the intersection.

See? Sometimes I think I’m alone and sometimes I know someone is watching over me.

*Not too many cars down a dark suburban street at night, but two! two!

Its another bendery weekend*

*courtesy of Jagarmeister: friends to trashbags everywhere!

Every so often I go out and get completely sodden off my face [ as I'm sure you are quite aware] and this was the weekend, I think I just needed to go and get away from the politics of "The Office", and my Michael Scott-esque supervisor.

So on Saturday, I went to Chicken's place. Y'know its sort of odd, I never get trashed around Sb's friends, I think its because I want them to see me as polite and friendly and not blind and puking. Anyway. But I was a bit stressed so when someone held up a bottle of vodka [triple distilled..mm] and said "who wants some?", I ignored all forms of propriety and yelled "memememememe". Thats what happens if you stress me out, I like to take it out on a bottle. And so then for the rest of the night me and jagarbombs were best friends. Or me and everyone were best friends, I dunno.. its kind of blurry all the things I said, I do recall Chicken lost his pants twice during the night and I didn't lose my pants so really it wasn't so bad.


we look so happy!

Onto Sunday, I was fighting with Sb [everybody sigh "again..?"] and so I had my friend Raver take me out. We were supposed to go to Ark, cos whats better than a glass of wine and some disco tunes right? But then we saw the line..
It was covered with people, I wasn't even aware that so many other people were looking for a boogie down on a Sunday at one o clock in the freaking night! So we went across the street to Kinselas, which I have to say is quite the funky little joint with its velvet couches and ridiculously high ceililngs. We sat there and as good friends often do, talk about absolutely nothing. I stumbled home at five o clock in the morning, and slept for four hours. Which is what happens you drink about twenty cans of red bull over the space of two days.

[Sometime during that weekend I worked, but I'm not sure exactly what I did]

The best thesis. ever!

Wait for it.. wait for it...

I'm going to do my thesis on Britney Spears!

Woo, I'm going to combine my voyeurism, my shallowness and my love of all things train-wrecky into a 6000 word essay.

Well I thought it might be more interesting than doing a media read out on global warming [not that global warming is not important.. change your lightbulbs people!]

5:54

Apparently Britney Spears is an anagram for presbyterians.. I'm going to full of these fun little facts for the next four months.

Things that are sweet 3#

I have good hair today. No, I have fantastic hair today. When you have fantastic hair, life is good. Anyway I'm waiting for Mexicana to hurry up so we can go out before my stupid hair goes flat and people will be like.. "Isn't that how it looks everyday??" and I'll be "Noooooooo! Look at the volume! The way it sits!" and they'll be "suuure.... crazy woman".




*Ignore the miserable expression on my face. I was stunned by the flash going off. Focus on the hair.

Things that are sweet 2#

Siiigh, I find myself looking around for things to be mushy about, this week is.. long.. I'll be glad to go back to cynical posting

So I was sitting on the lightrail and there was this baby in a pram and he was wearing a beanie and he looked just like a tomato, fat cheeks and all and I could feel my ovaries go ping! pinG! PING! PING! PING!

I must've looked like I was about to kidnap him because his Dad started moving him furtively away by pushing the pram away with his foot.

Is this a positive post? I really am trying my hardest. I will do a post on butterflies and whatnot tomorrow, something to look forward to. Hooray.

Something sweet.

I saw two kids on the bus today, one girl and one boy I think they were both about eight years old and it was obvious that they had crushes on each other. They were sitting across the row from each other and they were trying to figure out whether he should move to her seat or she should move to his and they kept half standing to figure it out when finally the boy took charge and squooshed along to her side. I've never seen a little girl look so happy.

my black heart melted and made piano plinking sounds.

Its a temporary personality upgrade

Yesterday I had a conversation on msn that went like this [paraphrased of course]

Cup: Do you like any of the jobs that you do??
Mush: No, I'm miserable. I attract misery like lint.

This little bit of conversation came right out of the blue at five o clock in the afternoon and I wasn't even whining [well to him anyway]

So I came to a decision, [woo! momentous!] I will stop complaining for an entire week. Not about men, food, work, .. nothing. So even if a gigantic meteoroid smashes into my living room and I have to be so highly inconvenienced as to walk around it, I will still remain stoic and talk positively ["ahh.. a huge rock! rocks are pretty!"].

Of course this blog will become extra boring as I talk about how remarkable life is and what not. but I guess if I have to repress [repress!] for a week you can put up with me going on and on about rainbows and butterflies..

2:22 [Its only 2:22!]

OMG. lets do a positive spin. Not killing my office manager will not land me in jail where I will be not be shanked by baldies in orange jumpsuits. There. that was... uplifting. You know what? I will just concentrate on my burger. Lalala. Nice burger.

A girl crush

Anyway as you noticed that lately I've been what you would call.. a misery guts [thats the light term for it] so I thought I would treat myself for a blow dry, since my hair exploded sideshow bob style and I was only holding it together by forty five bobby pins [sideshow bob? bobby pins.. thats some weird karmic correlation right there.]

Back to the topic, I shuffled off to the hairdresser- some Japanese salon around the corner and this very very cute girl y'know comes and washes my hair. And then when she was finished, she directs me back to my chair and says:

I massagie your head, ok? [Wahahaha.. do you know how much I enjoyed her saying that? I'm seriously a forty year old, orange-coloured white man wearing a fake rolex]

And then proceeds to give me the most spine-tingling head massage that I've ever ever and will ever receive. You know how some people just don't know where the points are and just end up massaging your eyebrows and your earlobes? Well, she didn't do that.

Eeee... I think I was half in love with her by the time she finished, or in lust. Or wanting to hire her as my permanent massage slave.

Sb thinks I should ask her out. Should you really ask someone out on the basis of a good massage? Wouldn't that make me tremendously shallow?! [yes. yes, it would.]

Deal or no deal

I just got offered a bit of a payrise to stay in this office longer.

Of course the obvious answer should be along the lines of "WAHAHAHAHAHA.. will you fuck off with yourself?"

But then I think.. [sigh] wouldn't an extra six hundred dollars help to take me to Taiwan to Saffron's wedding?

And then I think.. bugger that, I have just enough for an expensive handbag and what I want to do is lay down with it for a week.

then back to... "It's one of your best friends weddings.. Good fucking grief, get off your ass and go"

and then.... "But I'm tiiiiiired *whine and the people in this office are bitchy and lazy and don't eat salt n vinegar chips [even though bizaarely they buy it in bulk]"

After all this to-ing and fro-ing, when the time comes for me to answer the phone and do my job, my head is not even here anymore. "Hello, wedding dress. Mushmush speaking" and then the other person down the line says in befuddlement "Wedding dress? Isn't this Wynn Tressider?"

* Sorry no pictures lately, I can't hook my usb into this comp.

I'll stop talking about the office now

and let Dilbert do my talking. In fact, I think I'll just let Dilbert do all my talking from now on. [You'd like that wouldn't you?!]

No-one in this office eats

So I had a packet of salt n vinegar chips in the cupboard which I mentioned about two weeks ago and to my surprise when I opened it this morning, it was still there.

What kind of freaks ignore a packet of salt n vinegar chips?! What kind of sacrilege is this?!

Anyway I've been offering it to anybody who walks by and they just smile and say no. ..no...

The mind it truly boggles.

This is not really my kind of office, I need an office where people are stuffing chips into their mouths by the handful. [ This place is depressing me by the non eating, which in turn is making me eat more, its a vicious cycle]

Of course, its sort of hampering my ability to answer the phones when they can hear "Hmmpphllo? Rnnchhh rnnnchh" but you know its all in the name of the greater good, I'm slowly clearing out this place of all its food, so when people offer it to them, they don't have to shake their heads and smile politely.

Its an emotional epiphany!

*Bing. [lightbulb sound, sounds mildly nicer than *tncckk]

I am this very very angry person, and I never even realised that til today, and I'm channelling all my anger and resentment into this job and into my supervisor.

Of course, if you've ever seen me you'll say "Peh. She has anger? That girl is some sort of mouse"

But I'm at this office gig, my manager has ticked me off big time and all of a sudden I'm Angela from the Office [complete with icy glare and angry hushed tones], y'know that bitch you hate... I'm her!

So what exactly did my manager do? [She kicks kittens!] Well we usually car pool together in the morning where she'll pick me up. She didn't do that this morning, in fact she didn't even call me to tell she wasn't coming. I had to call her [do you see where this is going?] and she told me to catch a bus as she was going to be late.
What do you mean? How long exactly are you going to be??!
About half an hour.
Right. Its going to take me fifteen of that to walk to the bus stop and twenty of waiting and another half an hour of travel. Do you think that I'll still get there quicker if you pick me up?!
Take a taxi to the bus stop.
Okaaaay. Sure. Theres a taxi right outside my house now, no wait, no there isn't! [the sarcasm is now at its height]
Do the best you can do.

And then my head exploded into a million pieces and I had to catch the bus missing my most important body part.

Anyway she was at the office when I got there, all cheerful and no apologies!

I am trying really really really really hard to be civil but really I just want to smack her around with a blunt object.

My name is Mish and I'm a rage-aholic. Sigh. And I have work at the casino tonight too, I'm starting to look a little.. peeved. Nobody better ask me for a drink, otherwise they're going to hear me yelling "DRINK? DRINK?! why do you deserve a DRINK?!!" and then a kick in the nuts as an afterthought.

Scaring off future tenants. Ten Hail Marys

So I went home early today because I was snuffling all over the office. To come home to wipe up Minnie’s pee [sigh] when all of a sudden this strange lady popped up from nowhere.

Her: Excuse me?

Me: *screams and faints because my body is in a permanent half swoon

She then proceeds to tell me that she’s looking for a place for her son and three kids. I mean she seems like a nice enough person [other than the whole sneaking up on sick people thing] so I do what I think is right. I bitch about the house and the landlord. I point out that the roof is leaking and the broken gate is unsuitable for small children. I top it off with up some Mish-proof passive aggressiveness about how ultimately its up to her. She goes away disgusted with the landlord without even meeting him.

The whole thing left a really horrid aftertaste in my mouth [ I swear its not the strepsils]
Has this whole house thing made me so bitter that I have to ruin it for other people? But then the other side of my brain shrieks "You've saved her! Run lady! Run!"

I wonder how many hail Marys a priest makes you say for scaring off future tenants.

Sage advice

Stay away from Salt'n vinegar chips when you have a sore throat. It burns.

The various injuries I've sustained since I've been away

You can see how hard I've been working [or it may be an indication of my clumsiness.. I dunno]

*Cuts all over my feet from walking on broken glass. I broke glassware at work and it went into my shoes, and because I couldn't empty them in the middle of the floor I had to walk over them into the kitchen, and now my feet look like .. well.. you can play noughts and crosses on them.

*A smushed elbow from the bartender walking into it.

*A stubbed toe from tripping over in the shopping centre [Sb: again? theres nothing to trip over?? ]

* Bruises all over my back from the supermarket worker running into it with a trolley. I was standing in the aisle studying the shredded cheese and this stupid moronic imbecile [who should be desexed and not allowed to breed] piled her trolley so high she couldn't see where she was going and plowed straight into me. While I was nursing my back, the other customers took their time out to inform her what a halfwit she was . Cheese and idiots- a dangerous combination.

* Vinegar hands. I accidentally dumped vinegar all over Sb's head [It was an accident! I swear!]

* A broken heart, apparently its very easy to break.

Better one short boring post than none

I started a new job today. Its boring and involves stuffing envelopes. I know, I know you deserve a long post [and some funny stories.. Ta-dah! I have none!]

Some more upheaval for your plate

"I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind"
-Keane, Bad Dream

Sb and I broke up last night, it seems to be amicable enough. There are no tears shed and no plates thrown [we're just not the war of the roses type]. Just quiet resignation where words fail us. Nine years of history placed into moving boxes and transported across town.

Miserable week means no posting

I've has a miserable week. So in between scarfing up the Smirnoff Double blacks, I've been shutting myself away from the world and playing my Sims. [Ahhh.. Sims, so easy to control], of course in my hermit state, my hair decided to play up and sit on top of my head dry yet greasy, so maybe its just as well I decided to stay home.

So my dad, stepmum and two brothers have come down for a holiday. So naturally I'm apprehensive [or as my mum put it, I looked like a four year old mouse about to pee itself], my other set of parents and I don't have the most functional relationship. Well it started off interestingly enough, at my Great-uncles 80th birthday. I call it interesting, because thats what it was. My Stepmum is still very very very loud- even a throat operation cant stop that voice. My Dad is still the solid quiet type. And then you throw a bunch of religious hymns, bad food, several very cheesy speeches and a scared and very sober mouse into the mix, and you get well not a car crash exactly, but more like a cartoon where the hero gets repeatedly thumped on the head with a gavel.

I did drink ten glasses of various alcoholic beverages beforehand- but to no avail.

Anyway, as much as I wasn't looking forward to it, I knew that I should spend some time with my Dad and his family. However, he didn't call. So I sat all week by the phone [simming, cursing, waiting] wondering what exactly was wrong with me and what exactly was wrong with him for being so .. cold.. and leaving me with reoccuring abandonment issues the size of New York State.

Woo.. I'm not proud of that large chip of self pity that nestles so nicely on my shoulders. I'm thinking I wasn't much fun to be around [and neither was my hair nice to look at]

Its Tuesday night now, and he finally called last night. It makes me sad to think that we'll never really bridge that gap. But maybe its cos we're too much alike, we never pass water under the bridge, we hold too many grudges and now its too late. Its an ironic little twist and a miserable end to a miserable week.

Almost the world's ugliest shoe

Well this is not the world's ugliest shoe like I promised. But it comes a close second. I can't even think of an occasion where you can wear it. Clown Dances? Hoedowns? A wallpaper masquerade party

Ok I bag the shoe. But I kind of love the bow thing going across the top. I can't help it, its such a happy looking bow. Its not the kind of bow grouchy people wear [orrrrrr... sane people.. but thats a different boot altogether]

Sorry for the lack of posts lately

My phone hasnt been working and I cant upload photos. Boo.. Hiss.. for Nokia. I was going to write out an entire article on a guy I know who is dying .. but halfway through feeling sad and miserable in my bed seemed like a more viable option.

On a plus note. Its finally stopped raining [its really the most wonderful feeling to walk around in dry shoes]. On a negative note, My Dad and my stepmum are coming down to visit for a couple of weeks- so y'know its family melodramatics times forty hundred thousand million bazillion. [Annnnd now you know where I get my penchant for drama] On the other hand it might make for some interesting blog entries.

Well I guess if my phone/usb isn't working then you miss out on my modelling of the worlds ugliest shoes. I was seriously tempted to buy them just to see the reaction on peoples faces.
"Is that a purse on your shoe???" "
Yeah, now I don't need to carry a wallet!"
Well it was those or the apple green pumps.

You can't really be too sad wearing bright green shoes. Everyone should have a pair.

Karmas a bitch

These two young and healthy people parked in a disabled parking space on a day where everyone in the entire freaking car park [yes it was the rain] was on top of each other for spaces.
Annnnnd.. after getting back to the car discover they have a flat tire.. in which the boy [in the baseball cap] cannot figure out how to fix. See? thats why you don't park in a disabled parking space when you're not disabled, karma will come and bite you in the ass. And people like me will come along and take photoes of it on my mobile camera [all the while laughing and pointing]

Rain rain go away

So now that my exams are over..I'm completely bored [relieved yet bored], and outside its pissing down rain, which is annoying me because it means that Minnie is not peeing outside but peeing on my kitchen floor [the mop handle actually has my palm imprinted onto it] not once but six times a day. I'm not even giving her much water so I don't know where its coming from.

The rain is also hampering my ability to do laundry [as you can see lack of socks] and my motivation to go out and do my driving test*.

I blame the weather for my life not being as glamorous as it should be!

Oh oh lastly but not leastly has anyone had a dirty mother cocktail? Its made of tequila, kahlua and milk. Someone ordered it the other day and it tasted strangely of old shoes, but I think I must have a hankering for old shoes [or shoes in general] because I didn't hate it the way I'd normally throw up long island iced teas. Of course under the circumstances I had to pretend I hated it, but I could see myself ordering one and annoying the bartender to bits.
"A dirty mother? ....Yeah I said your mother!"**

* motivation? what motivation? whats motivation?
**I will show you my black eye that comes up from a punch up involving dirty mothers

Weekend restaurant madness

Its restaurant madness! Everything was great [except for the sardines.. why would you order sardines at a restaurant??]



Men and Kandy- that light at the back of their heads? is someone else across the street taking photos. Synchronicity!


Chicken impressing all the women at the table


She was duly impressed




The natural shot up the top didn't really work, so they turned to me instead [albeit reluctantly with maximum wheedling on my part].


Its like an art gallery! of poses! [I like how Teric's head is in the hole]


And lastly, the two of us.. remember me mentioning that bandaid? you can't see it cos I turned my photo quality down to low.. Muahahahahahah.

If you haven't tried tapas, try tapas.. its like yum cha for Spanish people.

Its a pimple story

I've had this massive pimple on my face for the last five days. Its not a normal pimple, its an angry ping pong ball pimple and I've been hiding it behind my hair during my weekdays at uni.
The weekend was coming up and it still wasn't gone so I thought I would pull out the big guns and use the ultimate pimple zapper.

Toothpaste. [Toothpaste carries some drying substance that shrinks it .. I've tried it before]

However.. however, we've recently switched toothpastes to some Colgate triple action mohokey and I placed it on my pimple. Did I mention this Colgate triple action mohokey is blue? neon blue?

So the time came for me to peel the paste off my face and it wouldn't peel off. The paste was not dry but sticky and clinging to my cheekbone. It also made my pimple neon blue. And it wouldn't wash off.

The weekend came and I didn't want to explain to every Tom, Dick and Harry at work why my acne was not um... acne coloured, so I slapped a bandaid over it and proceeded to wait on people.

My customers thought I had been beaten up! They were horrified and stricken, "what happened?" and I would sigh " Oh.. long story....." rinse, lather, repeat. One patron offered to beat up SB for me. Another tsked and looked at me sadly "Why would anyone fight you? You're so small, what kind of world are we coming to?"

Anyway the weekend is over and my face is still not back to normal. Its still blue. The lesson here is don't use Colgate triple action for any blemishes, well not unless you want colourful bits on your face.

Hey.... Macarena.

I was an incredibly dorky child. I listened to Hanson, I loved Nick Carter [back before he was a Paris Hilton-beating trainwreck] and I had a bowlcut which never seem to reach past my ears. I wore midriff tops with paint splattered denim cutoffs and if I wanted to 'dress up' I wore a black vest over a turquoise coloured turtleneck. I was the human epitome of uncool.

Anyway fast forward to today, where I'm slightly better but still have this horrifying tendency to lean towards poodle perms. [In fact, I'm currently sporting one thanks very much]

I was at work the other day and they started playing "The Macarena" on the tv [The Los Del Rio version] and I started chanting under my breath to the lyrics, this didn't perturb me much.

I glanced up at the screen, and thought "hmm.. hey if I concentrate sorta hard- I could probably remember the dance moves". I went back to wiping the tables.

And then I took one last look at the screen [wiping tables is boring] and then the *asian dancer came up. Theres this one screen shot where she grins at you all cutesy like and I almost fell over from mortification.

I used to wear that lipstick! I hunted around for that same lipstick because I thought it would make me look good! And now I realise that both you and I looked like jaundice victims chewing hubba bubba. Oh to be young and stupid.

Here you are I'm posting a picture of said asian girl. The colour for some reason is much better in the picture than the actual clip.




And thats what I wanted to emulate when I was twelve. I need to go lay down now.