My arm is buggered

So in the space of four days my poor [left] arm has been through a lot. Firstly, the elbow went through a window and secondly, Mexicana's dog mistook my hand for a burrito and decided to chomp through it. Consequently, my arm looks like its been through a really angry blender.

Well anyway, since I'm here, I thought I might list some things which I can and can't do one handed.

Can't

- Eat pigeon. I love you mum! and I know you worry about my nutrition but thats a lot of pigeon to try and eat one handed. And now that I have no-one to feed me [or even cut the damn thing up] its damn near impossible to eat. Not even caveman style works, I can't even get to the underside. That was was like four or five pointlessly dead birds.

-Use chopsticks. I can't bend my elbow so I can't bring the chopsticks up to my face. So when I go out to restaurants I have to ask for a fork. When I ask the waitresses for a frigging fork, they look at me ever so mournfully and then shake their heads. Look lady, I'm not betraying your culture, my arm is borked.. and Jesus, can't I ask for a fork without invoking cultural/generational commentary?! I guess not. Huh.

- Go to work. Whee! I'm sure supervisors love this. But the chances of me carrying a tray and then not splitting my elbow to spurt blood all over the nearest patron's face is minimal. Actually, come to think of it, if I spurted blood over their faces- I could see which ones were vampires and then I could stake them thus reducing the amount of coffee I have to make and carry. Good plan huh? Too late now, anyway I didn't go to work this weekend.

-Mop the floor. Well you try mopping it one handed!

Can

- Save the dog from down the street from meeting certain death on Archer Street. I didn't even have to touch her, I just trilled with my extremely melodic voice 'Elllllllllllllieeeeeeeee' and brought her home. Sort of like the pied piper meets Lucy Liu. Of course that gate was a bastard to open but at least I got her home. I know. I'm such a heroine.

- Roll the rubbish bin out. I've never done this before [well I have at work but never at home], it's kind of a thing you can do one handed, so I know if they ever decide to amputate I can spend my life rolling garbage bins up and down a garden path.

-Put my contacts in. It takes twenty minutes and my eyes are red by the end of it, but hey! I can do it. Aren't you proud of me? If next you see me and I don't have them in, it probably means I dropped them down the sink.

-Type. Well you did want to know where I disappeared to, right?

[Where is SB in all of this? Well we've broken up [again? again.] and I'm not really adjusting particularly well so at the moment my emotions are all over the place, but I promise when I feel up to it, I'll write a big long post]