Monday, August 30, 2010

Weekend ruminations on love and friendship

I had seven thousand thoughts this weekend so exit left if you're allergic to lots and lots of navel gazing.

--

A while back he said to me [slightly distressedly] "Why do your friends hate me so much?" and I replied "Oh, they don't hate you. They're just protective. Don't take it personally."
Back then I found it odd but I didn't ask why everyone was giving me advice. Take it slow. Don't get too attached. Don't get hurt. And I just kind of laughed it off. I'm fine. It's fine.

And now that I've had three solid weeks of people asking me if I'm okay [yes, I am] ..are you really okay? [yes. Geez.] I only just noticed that my friends have been collectively holding their breaths. They're worried. They are really really worried. They're worried that we're going to take another ride on the Mush nervous-breakdown-from-Hell-train [woo-the funnest ride of all]. Part of me is glad that I have a safety net in case I ever take another spill and part of me is appalled that I managed to cast these types of shadows over people's hearts. Uhm, you know who you are if you're reading this, I love you and I'm good. Stop worrying.

---

Hilariously, we still look the same and dress the same as we did ten years ago. I don't think that bench is even there anymore.

Over ten years ago, I stood outside a classroom and made conversation with a girl who was trying to get sushi out of her braces and then I bullied a shy boy into conversation by talking his ear off [he didn't know what to make of me, he just kept looking at his notepad.]

Along the way, we picked up partners and friends [and more friends] and so it's literally been three or four years since the original musketeers went out together as a group of three. So I strongarmed Dylmah and MD into coming out with me on Saturday night.

And it what it is. It's like the dynamics between the three of us never change. We still argue and we have a laugh and through whatever- I get that sometimes we want to stab each other in the face on occasion-but it just feels right. And after making it to this point in our lives, we're kind of a marvel in ourselves. We're so different and if you think about it, we have almost nothing in common, other than a love of 80's themed music and movies.

But it endures and it survives.

For some reason I don't doubt that we'll all still be around for each other in another ten years and beyond.

---

Matty: Guys are really very stupid.

Mush: [starts to laugh] okay and..?

Matty: Guys are stupid and they get things like brainsnaps.

Mush: Brainsnap?

Matty: Yeah, a brainsnap. They don't know what they're doing and why they're doing it and they can't get past their own egos to see past it but they still do it anyway. And they do this a lot.

Mush: That actually explains everything.

---

I ran to the dinner table last night thinking that I was completely late and the table was half empty. Nonplussed I asked my mum "Who's sitting there?"
And she was "X, x, x and Mabel."

Mush: Mabel? Oh crap.

I don't know how much I'm allowed to talk about how I feel about her on this blog but I figure she'll never ever read this [God willing] and so I can vent my spleen.

Mabel is my cousin's wife's sister and I make it a point to be around her as little as possible, which is not hard since big big family dinners only happen about four times a year, but still wide berth.

Here's the thing about Mabel [and I'll be honest when I say I don't think I've exchanged more than two hellos with her]. She's my age and she always inadvertently makes me feel like a sperm whale by her sheer existence.

She's always elegant and poised and pretty and pretty much everything about her radiates that je nai sai quoi. Her hair is always perfect and her skin is always porcelain and she makes me want to hide under the table when I see her [or at least go off and eat in another restaurant.] And I get that none of it is her fault that she's always looks like that and that I have such an issue with it. But oh such a wide berth.

So she comes in, and she's bejewelled, in one of those ridiculously expensive bandage dresses and not a hair out of place. She's wearing a watch that I would probably break after two minutes. And someone asks her why she was late and what was she doing. And she says: Oh I was just cleaning my apartment.

This is when I think that she cannot possibly be a human being, she has to be a robot. No-one cleans their apartment and walks out looking like that. They just don't. Unless of course, cleaning your apartment means directing someone to clean it for you, but even then you still have to get out of the way of the dust right? Right? There was no dust on that dress.

[I did mention this to Mexicana and she interrupted me with: I never want to meet her either. I never want to meet her.]

Far be it from me to break from sisterhood and all that, I don't hate the girl I just don't want to be anywhere near her in a 5km radius. She does reallllly shit things to my self-esteem. Of course as she left the restaurant, she was wearing tights without any holes and five inch heels.

I'm not normally the jealous type [ok I'm never the jealous type] is that what it normally feels like? The green eyed wah-wahs totally suck. I'm going to totally make sure she's not there before I go to any other family dinners in the near future ..although chances are, she won't be there- because she'll be in New York for the next few months.Nope, not jealous. Not. at. all. *Headdesk


Saturday, August 28, 2010

People that deserve a kick in the nads part #456454

So since my partner has gone overseas, I've had to take over her customer service role while she's been gone. For the most part it's been smooth and then there are occasional periods when I am reminded of how much I hate customer service. Why are there are so many stupid people running around and why are we not extinct yet?? [While I sit here typing this, a teenager down the street is howling like a werewolf. Point]

I wake up to check my work emails, and sitting in my inbox is this ridiculously vitriolic diatribe from this poor sookie-la-la who can't buy tickets.

He can't buy tickets. We're only staffed from Mon-Fri. It's terrible that we can't sit around 24 hours 7 days a week responding to his emails. Our service is appalling. Life is so hard! In the process of reading this, I think my eyes rolled so hard that they could hear it in Mexico [that funny grinding noise heard around the world half an hour ago? That was me.]

Whatever, I have a job to do- so I sucked it up and called him.

Mush: [blah blah blah introduction] I'm sorry but the ticket company has run out of allocations, we're looking at getting it fixed. If there's anything else we can do to help you or anything..

Scott: Well it's not confidence-inspiring. This is the first time I use your site and this is what happens. I don't think I'll use it again.

Mush: Mmm.. [Diddums. What a loss.] Right. Well we'll get technical right on it [on a Saturday morning for you-because you are the centre of the universe] and once again, if there's anything else we can help you with, feel free to call or email us.

Scott: Just out of curiosity, can I ask you something?

Mush: Sure.

Scott: How old are you?

Mush: Thirty two.

Scott: Oh. Because you sound like you're fourteen.

Mush: [I have your email and your mobile phone number boy genius, want to try annoying me some more?] Huh. Odd. Have a good one.

Scott: Bye.

What a waste of phone call and space and air and just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*head explosion. God, I'm off to sit in the sun and read a book and pretend that the world has no jackasses in it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I'm a Romcom Cliche

I don't even watch that many romantic comedies. But I sit here on a Friday night, working alone in the office wondering if I'm supposed to go feed my imaginary cat, when I finish- if I ever finish.

I complained about this to Betty.

Mush: I'm a cliche

Betty: How are you?

Mush: A few months ago, I was Bridget. Hopeless bridget with the disastrous romances and now I'm the other cliche, I'm the lady who works at the office on a Friday night and then goes home to feed her cat. Im sure there's a Reese Witherspoon romcom for that

Betty: Are you also waiting to be rescued?

Mush: Of course not. An errant flower delivery boy is not even going to be able to get into my secure building

Betty: What about an arrogant self opinionated boss that is too hot to pass up a night of giant underwear

Mush: I'd do Hugh Grant. I can't even pretend that I wouldn't.

I guess that means in my heart I'm still Bridget. I'll one day know I've reached adulthood when I pick Mark Darcy over Daniel Cleaver.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Keeping busy with... salsa?

[phone with the consumer]

Miss Maggie: So we want to advertise this Salsa class..

Mush: Ok, great. That's no problem [starts talking about dates and figures and blahdiblah]

Miss Maggie: (interrupts) So are you coming?

Mush:... to .. Salsa?

Miss Maggie: Yes. Am I going to see you there?

Mush: Uh, no. I'd be... awful.. I have no hips.

Miss Maggie: It'd be fun!

Mush: You'd be embarrassed to have to teach me. No.

Miss Maggie: I'll see you there!

Ok part of me thinks that the idea is kind of fun and would be an interesting way to end my self-improvement kick by year's end. And the other part is like.. are you crazy? You have the rhythm of a baby elephant. People will die tripping over you. You don't want to be responsible for the hospitalisation of an entire salsa class [I don't know how but I'll manage it somehow.]

Could be fun though.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Trivial

[Discussing tonight's trivia challenge]

Dylmah: Your trivia skills will be very useful. If only Dion were coming too we'd win hands down

Mush: Who's Dion?

Dylmah: He is the Greek trivia god

Mush: He's the Greek trivia god? So if you put us together in the same room would the universe collapse in itself from combined uselessness?

Dylmah: The definition of trivia would infact be satisfied.

Mush: Hahaha, what a challenge.

Monday, August 23, 2010

12:24

Did I mention my neighbour screams like a japanese porn star? Someone must've hooked her up to an amp tonight because she's so loud atm that she woke me up. Woke me up. I don't know if I should be amused, turned on or pissed off.

Oh, there's the thump. Finally finished. Good for her. I should play Marvin Gaye for her really loudly as a post coitus gift. I'm not even going to be able to explain to my manager tmw why I'm so bleary eyed. Might mumble something abt animals keeping me awake.

(This post. Courtesy of Blackberry. Zzz.)

** I walked past her this morning and we both simultaneously yawned. You may have had fun lady, but some of us need our sleep!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Getting up

It's going to take all my willpower to roll out of bed this morning. I feel like my head is made out of compacted cement. But in the immortal words of Crowded House- don't let them win. Don't ever let them win. So I'm going to take it on the chin and get up. Round three it is.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

He was right.

Once upon a time. A long time ago. There were two people viciously fighting during the middle of a break up. The hero of this piece turned to the heroine and said bitterly "You don't know what you're doing, you will never find someone who treats you like me. You want to venture into the big bad world? You have no idea what its like out there. You believe that everyone is good. No-one is good. You are going to get hurt and people will hurt you bad. Go out there and date some. Let me know."

The heroine in her foolish pride hissed right back at him
"I will not be hurt. I will never allow myself to get hurt. I am not one of those girls. I will treat people right and they will treat me right back"

The hero laughed and left the room.

I lay here over a year later thinking that he's right. He was right and I was hopelessly naïve. My heart hurts. It really really hurts.

My baby!



Political Apathy.

I've been meaning to get this off my chest for a few days because it's been slowly pissing me off on the road to the election.

Firstly I hate apathy. I hate it. I hate when people shrug and go 'eh'. It drives me crazy when people don't have opinions. Beef or pork? Lemon or lime? Blue or red? PICK ONE and have A REASON for it. God. A little self-examination never hurt anyone. It makes me want to shake people- how I dated someone for eight years with little to no opinion on things is a marvel to me at this point.

Secondly, more specifically than that- I hate political apathy. It makes me stabby. I think I might've mentioned this in an earlier post. Really really stabby.

And lately I feel like I am surrounded by political apathists [is that a word? did I just make that up?]

From R6's: I am just going to put in a dud vote- because it doesn't make any difference
to Mexicana's: I threw my vote away on a random party [Family First!] because I don't believe in any of the two leading parties.
to my boss's: I'm not registered. I'm exercising my democratic right not to vote. [when he said that, I gave him the most disgusted look I could muster. your democratic right not to vote. Forever. Okay.]
to Hexagirl's: I voted Labour. But who cares?
And then I think MD mentioned not wanting to get off the couch.

I'm going to breathe in a second, because I'm having miniature head explosions. Ok here we go:

Who you vote for actually counts. If you vote, you take an active participation in your fate and the fate of the people around you. This is should be at least the base reason for you to vote. By not voting [or screwing up the voting system] what you're saying is you don't care enough about your country to take ten minutes out of your goddamn day to sit down and think about what could possibly be best for it.

And that makes me fucking angry.

Don't give me this whole crappy democratic right not to vote spiel [thanks Mark Latham, you are a douche]. You live in a democracy, how do you think it got put together? It got put together by people voting. Not by people not voting. But I'm glad you appreciate all the perks democracy has to offer you even though you don't feel like contributing. Oh and don't fucking complain afterwards when the government isn't exactly what you wanted- do you know why? It's because you thought it was a smart move to insert a blank piece of paper into the ballot box. Yup. Who is going to hear that? Crickets.

And are you a woman? You didn't get the vote a hundred years ago- fucking exercise that right! ARGH!

Lastly, but not leastly before I go to put an icepack on my forehead. Think about this- millions of people die around the world so they can vote, so they can have a say in how their country is run .. and you just fucking pissed all over it. Well done.

Ok I'm finished. Wait for me to get mad over this all over again in another four years.

[Btw, as a personal note- that "you" is a stabby finger pointed at all of you political apathists. It doesn't mean I don't love you for your all other quirks and qualities, but seriously don't mention to me over the next few days that you didn't vote or voted badly- I will totally palm you over the ear. I'm not kidding.]

Friday, August 20, 2010

Star Wars cupcakes make everything better

I could totally do with an ewok cupcake right about now. Sigh

[I just realised there's no Han Solo cupcake. Wtf.]

And some things are..

just too personal to even blog about. [A thousand words on feeling blue] You should just ask me when you see me. I don't want to write about it anymore.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A HTML romance

Where is this boy? I totally want to marry him! HTML colour codes are my secret weakness.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Some of my favourite people

Some of my favourite people in the ultimate messy night. I wonder if we'll ever grow up. Sometimes on a night like this, I hope we never do.






I proposed!...
After the fireworks! While we were standing around watching it, when she turns to me and says: I'm glad I'm watching it with you instead of some guy. I know you'll still be around in ten years to remember this with me.


Fifteen minutes

"And there's gold falling from the ceiling of this world
Falling from the heartbeat of this girl"
-And the boys, Angus and Julia Stone

For the last two years, I feel like I've been continuously running. Running to and from what I'm not really sure of. At least I've sort of run to a point in my life where I'm reasonably happy and reasonably content. But I guess if I slow down and stop for two seconds, I can see that's what missing is safety. I like my life and all but I don't feel safe. If I stop running, I can see that this highstrung tightrope that I've concocted is a nothing- it's a piece of string and I have a long way to fall down.

For fifteen minutes last night and for the first time in such a long time, I felt safe. That it was okay for the world to be scary and messy and complicated because nothing for those fifteen minutes was going to happen. I was enveloped in something I can't explain.

Of course when I woke up and went outside, the world was beautiful. This morning I'm a little bit more okay, I'm still running for my life but it's just not as terrifying.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

So many conversations about almost the same thing

"And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard"
- For the First Time, The Script

--
At the cafe.
Him: So I went on another date..
Me: You went on another date? What do you mean by another date?
Him: Another date.
Me: Meaning there's more than one?? How many dates have you been on lately?
Him: Four.
Me: *squeaks* in two weeks? You've only been broken up for two weeks! That's.. two a week. You're doing well.
Him: I still associate her with everywhere I go
Me: .. sigh.. how're you feeling?
Him: Like shit.
Me: I figure.

Not that I know anything about break-ups [other than long and protracted ones] but I admire his gall and I see his point. You take other people and you slowly flush the old one out by creating new memories, it's a helluva lot more pro-active than staying at home and moping. The end result is still the same though. You're going to feel like shit for a very very long time.

--

On the phone
M: *Upset. My friend just broke up with his girlfriend of nine years. I thought I would call you about it. What do I say?
Me: Er? You're asking me?
M: You would know how to deal with it
Me: .. This is not ever a subject I ever want to be considered an expert on. But you can't really say anything. Nothing that you say can possibly make him feel better.
M: Nothing..?
Me: Nothing. Wait. You didn't tell him to get over it did you?
M: Yeah I did. But in a nice way.
Me: I don't think he wants to hear that.
M: Noted.

--

For some reason now I have a tendency to do my deepest thinking in the morning as I'm going to work. I can have an uninterrupted reverie for a good forty minutes. It's kind of nice.

Mexicana: What are you up to?
Me: Just thinking.
Mexicana: [It's 8:10!] What about?
Me: I'm thinking that what I want from a person is for them to grab me by the shoulders, look me in the eyes and say "a lifetime will never be enough to spend with you."
Mexicana: Wow.
Me: Too much? I think I might be asking for too much.
Mexicana: Are you expecting that exact same phrasing complete with pauses?
Me: No, of course not. Just the base sentiment.
Mexicana: Oh, then that's easy.
Me: It's easy?

---

What I want from you, oh hypothetical you: first and foremost unconstrained passion, an enthusiasm to be with me, sweeping kisses as a greeting, I want your heart to be bruised when I'm not around. I want you to want me. If you exist [and I hope you exist] I'll take my heart out of my pocket for you, I'll never hold it back.

--

Mum: I was talking to your brother and he asked about SB, he didn't realise you'd broken up.
Me: Uh.
Mum: And then he asked about Matty and Hanh. He didn't realise they'd broken up either. I think he's afraid to ask any more questions.
Me: .... Only out of the loop by about a year and a half

--

At the bar
Mxd: I'm a reformed commitmentphobe
Me: How's that?
Mxd: I used to be afraid of commitment, I was burned really bad by a girlfriend who cheated on me.
Me: If you don't mind me asking- you're a reformed commitmentphobe? How do you fix something like that?
Mxd: Actually my ex-girlfriend did it, she was just such a cool person and I trusted her. You just need that trust and now I'm ok.
Me: Well I'm glad you're all good now, but I guess it was something you had to work out by yourself.
Mxd:Are you trying to fix something?
Me: I can't fix a single thing. Myself included, least of all other people.
Mxd: Be as supportive and patient as you can be. But chances are I think you're wasting your time. Is he worth it?

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Tuesday is the new Friday apparently

[Last week]
Mush: So when are you free for dinner?
Him: Next Tuesday is good for me.
Mush: Cool.

--
Stepdad: So are you free Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night? We're going to eat out all week in celebration [of my stepbrothers visit].
Mush: All three days? Can we just try Monday first?

--

Mush: When are we going to the Great Northern for steak?
Dylmah: Tuesday.
Mush:... I can't do Tuesday.

--

MD: Let's go watch Inception
Mush: When?
MD: Tuesday. It's tight ass Tuesday.

---

Weirdamwaycultguy: Do you want to join Amway?
Mush: I .. don't.. think it's a good idea. I need to do some research
Weirdamwaycultguy: Just come along to our seminar and see for yourself!
Mush: When is it?
Weirdamwaycultguy: Tuesday night.
Mush: Oh, wouldn't you know it? I'm totally booked out for Tuesday night. It's just too bad. Darn.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

The top of the hill.

There was no-one there when I drove to the top of the hill.

Unsettled and uncomfortable

I'm sitting with Alphabeta, watching Little A squirm everywhere, she turns to me and smiles excitedly. She has something to say.

A: Hey, question. Do you know a guy called P5?
M: P5? I know a guy called P5, I went to design college with him ages ago.. are we talking about the same person? I don't think you are?
A: P5... P6... R6! It's R6! Are you dating a guy called R6?
M: [slightly stunned] vaguely. Why? What's going on? How do you know R6?
A: My sister saw you guys together ages ago, she's friends with R6.
M: She's what now?
A: She said she saw you together and she saw him first and was wondering about his new girlfriend and then she recognised you!
M: Wow. That's um.. um.. wow. I guess they are the same age and in the same area but err.. wow. I'm not his.. wow.
A: So you didn't tell me you were dating! What's going on there? She said to ask you.
M: Nothing's going on there. We're not dating or we are. vaguely. occasionally. I don't know. Your sister knows him???

----

I came out of that lunchdate with a mild case of the heebs. And I drove round and round in circles trying to get rid of that feeling but it wasn't going anywhere. Five hours later, I'm still achey and exposed. And it's stupid because I don't know why. I'm covered in abstract spider webs. Why does them knowing each other bother me so much?

--

On the phone, she says [and she's so worried that I'm falling down that rabbit hole. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more]

: You know you can always walk away from this situation. You can walk away from any situation. Turn around if it gets too much. No matter what, you have friends and family that love you. You have everything. Nothing is the end of the world.

Mush: And people call me the melodramatic one.

Mexicana: Just know that.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

My career

As I sit here staring at the water completely and overwhelmingly overwhelmed with my new job- I think why shouldn't I go be a housewife? There is nothing *wrong* with being a housewife. Why do I need this career and who am I doing it for anyway? .. I have to go back upstairs..this thought is to be continued I guess.

**Update: Boy am I glad this week is over. I mentioned my housewifely pipe dream to my marketing partner and she apparently had the same idea. This job may be a little more stressful than we thought it would be.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

I hate today!

Well I'm going to consider today a wash in more ways than one. You can't see me but I'm giving supreme cranky face.

I'm going to eat an oreo, paint my nails and wait for this big black storm cloud over my head to subside.

When I get my guitar..

So a million centuries ago I lent my guitar to my cousin Matty and now that I'm on this quest for self-improvement, I thought I would ask for it back. It turns out that he lent it to his friend and then he and his friend had a break-up and now my guitar is lost to the woods forever.

However. However! He offered to replace it and we're going off in a few weeks to find a new guitar for me to love. and learn. [I guess you do love and learn, or is that live and learn?]

And seeing this today, I've officially decided that this is going to be the first song I'm going to learn. That's right, it's Justin Bieber's Baby, I really love the relaxed vibe of this video. And isn't that what guitar is all about?




I swear when I finally learn it, I'll post my own video up for y'all to see. So excited!
 
/>