Its a weekend blowout

So the weekend it starts off with a bang and finishes on an almighty explosion that wipes out mankind and.. um.. everybody else.

Friday: Mexicana's Bday. Dinner at the Bellevue Hotel, I never want to see another beef chippolata again. Or smell one or have to shove one down my maw. Also when did security at karaoke get so tight? Its karaoke not an airport- I'm just saying. What am I going to hijack? a microphone??

Saturday: I'm too freaking croaky to go to work. I call in sick and my supervisor thinks I'm playing a joke on him. Sigh. So I lay back for the day recovering and then head off to Bamboo.
The best thing about Bamboo is undoubtedly Squishy the mascot panda, he does body rolls and makes coy movements with his paws. He also takes people tackling him quite nicely [far nicer than I'd be if random kept grabbing me for bear (panda?) hugs]. They play "Sweet Home Alabama" over the sound system, which should really tell you something about the club and the likelihood that I'll go back.

Sunday: Holy Fuck. It's seven in the morning. What am I doing at work? I can't keep my eyes open and I'm ridiculously trying to hide the stamp on my arm in a short sleeved shirt. I tell everyone I have the flu. Although I have to say I look quite ok for someone who hasn't slept for thirty hours [of course that might just be my contacts distorting from being in my eyes for the same amount of time]

Monday: It's dinner time and my parents fight over dinner. Everyone cries. The weekend is officially over.

Happy Birthday!

To my best friend who:

-dances with me on the street [while we recite lines from Titanic]

-remembers that I like to take the express elevator

-treats my puppy as her own

-always lends me shoes because my high heels are always two sizes too small

-sits for hours with me while we drink moscato and flip through trashy magazines

-never fails to give me jazz hands

Its totally your day. Muah muah.

So fluey

And so cranky. Its a good day to stay in bed and just feel miserable. I used to think that rain was romantic. I was young and stupid. And obviously read too much Bronte [Even I could tell at fifteen that Heathcliff and Cathy were selfish, manipulative gits, those poor Lintons should've just packed up and moved house]



Yeah I'm special, I don't even use normal tissues. I use specially bought japanese ones, although really theres not much difference.
[Btw I've taken this with my new phone camera not my new chipmunk borked one, I'm hoping my photoes will get better with time, it does look a bit fuzzy though.]

So two months ago..

I asked [I can't think of an appropriate name so we'll call her Squishy- I'm in the middle of a creative drought you know] Squishy to empty the bins at work before she left. She looked at me and said "Only if the supervisors pay me overtime"

Today Squishy asked me to empty the tub of plates before I left, I looked at her and said innocently "Am I getting overtime?"

Tatergirls dictionary defines karma as: the justice by which deeds done during one lifetime affect a persons status in a later incarnation.

In other words empty the damn bin otherwise later no one is going to empty your tubs for you. The End.

[well maybe not the end we'll see what happens tomorrow, maybe we'll just both leave everything everywhere and the casino will be overrun by giant rats.]

Excuse not to study #46832

When she left our house, Tatergirl left a few things- most of them sort of junky, a fifty cent ironing board, packets of salt, a freaking grapefruit, an outstanding loan of ten dollars which I will never see again in my lifetime [and if paid back in thirty years will be worth peanuts] and a Heinemann Australian Dictionary.

It's a dictionary and its supposed to be useful, I mean who ever heard of a useless dictionary? And it was complied by the good and hard working people at La Trobe University [Well, I think they're good and hard working- they could just be manic wife beaters or something. All of them.]

So anyway, I sat down to study yesterday morning [go me!] and there were a few words that I didn't really understand so I pulled it out and started thumbing for meanings.

First word: Kleptocrats .. kleptocrats.. kleptocrats.. nope, nothing, not even kleptomania to tide me over.

Second word: Circumscription.. circumscription... its a noun?? and??

how can I work under these circumstances????! Its an outrage!

I cannot, I'm not studying til' someone buys me a proper fricking dictionary*. Or leaves me one**.

*The stupid thing was published in 1992, it doesn't even feature the word internet, but then what did I expect when she left it behind? a moldy piece of fruit and an outdated book.. gahhhhhhh...

** a new one, not one published in 1665, thanks very much.

Explain yourself phantom!

Today I found a guitar pick while cleaning between the floorboards, so I'm supposing the ghost of a dead guitar player haunts our house*. Or else our useless landlord was serenading our dog while we were away**.

*The previous owner was an old lady, there are just not that many ninety old guitar players around.

**That might help to explain her precocious temperament

My liver just conked out

If you looked at me carefully [not there, you pervert] you would probably come to the conclusion that I am a very sedate, crossword-doing, stay at home on a Friday night, only drinks a glass a year type of person [its true, look at my eyes- so innocently blinking at you]

but if you took an MRI and took a look at my liver [just saying, shuttup] you would then conclude that the liver belonged to a fifty year old woman that wears nothing but stilettos and a boob tube while drunkenly offering herself for another vodka. I will.. I will... not have sex with you if you buy me another drink?

So anyway last week I had:.

Ready?

5 kettles of soju [ thats kettles not shots]
1 shot of chartreuse [gah]
4 Cowboys
6 Quickfucks
a smirnoff black


My liver is making tsk tsk noises and looking to inhabit another body, vampire style.
although really its not as bad as my co-worker who hasn't stopped drinking since he was a wee tot and has recently started vomiting blood. When I start vomiting blood I think I will stop, nah just kidding my liver is making noises again at the thought.

20 Random Facts since I was gone since February

These are not in order by the way.

1. Breast surgery which is not breast surgery is still very expensive. Use health care

2. Men bitch as much as women do, don't believe them when they say they don't.

3. Graphic design class is fun, but ignore the first few lessons when they teach you how to scroll

4. Roaches bounce

5. Sometimes SB's friends don't wash their hands after they pee [dun wipe on your jeans!]

6. "Are you at uni?" is the worst pickup line of all time

7. Don't follow it up with "So you work?", because I will make you cry.

8. No-one [and I have asked about forty people] wants to go to the Easter Show except me, I'm thinking that if I went, it'd just be me alone and a whole bunch of tumbleweeds

9. The 300 is a good film for post analysis shit-kicking, guaranteed to have you and your friends discussing lesbians, hunchbacks and east vs west metaphors [see? now aren't you intrigued?!]

10. Buying a bottle of aloe vera juice on your birthday will result in tears and acrimony.

11. I am the worlds best pictionary player [undisputed!]

12. Two years later, the "violence and civilization" course has the same teacher who is still so boring that he still makes the baby Jesus cry [or at least sleep very soundly]

13. I control the weather by simply saying "Lets go to the beach", it will either result in rain or tsunamis, sometimes both.

14. Verandah bar is too yuppie, even for me. Its Mardi Gras people! Let go!

15. Your fingers in anatomy terms are called the phalanges

16. My hair is black after the first time in eight or so years- back to my asian roots!

17. You can only watch Charlie the unicorn on youtube once, the fourth and fifth time makes your head want to explode

18. When your bf's grandma tells you to stop taking the pill to entrap her darling grandson into marriage, its time for everyone involved to stop watching too much tv.

19. Andy Lau is still hot, but even he can't make me sit through the snooze which is "Battle of the Wits"

20. I don't say this enough but I have the best friends in the world who put up with my neuroses, year in and year out [and they're still here!]