And she's right. You know and I know that I'm going to have to stop being so Charlie Brown with everything.
because everybody knows how that ends. Not well.Thursday, March 31, 2011
Advice for the neurotic
So I'm fretting [and I never normally fret because as you know my forté is venting.] and finally she says: You really should stop analysing your eggs before they hatch
And she's right. You know and I know that I'm going to have to stop being so Charlie Brown with everything.
because everybody knows how that ends. Not well.
And she's right. You know and I know that I'm going to have to stop being so Charlie Brown with everything.
because everybody knows how that ends. Not well.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Relatives that are lost and found.
"Billie Jean is not my lover. And the kid is not my son!"
-Billie Jean, Michael Jackson
This post is dedicated to my Great-Grandfather who passed away 10 years before I was born and almost got away with it. Boss, if you're feeling guilty- I don't blame you.
So I'm having yum cha with some relatives on my Dad's side, specifically my Uncle G [who is my Dad's cousin] and my Great-Uncle W [who is my Dad's Uncle/My Grandfather's brother], there were other relatives there but I don't want to make this too confusing for people not familiar with my family tree.
Uncle G mentions that they might possibly be heading to Adelaide during the Easter Holidays and my curiosity was instantly piqued. Why? Don't get me wrong, I love Adelaide but there is absolutely nothing to do there - the zoo maybe.
Uncle G: We might have a long-lost relative [he gestures to Great-Uncle W] We think he might have a half-brother.
[Great-Uncle W just keeps eating his dumpling as if he has half siblings all over the country and it's no big deal.]
Me: What? What do you mean?
Uncle G: Well it's this amazing serendipitous story. We were driving in Port Pirie last year to visit your Great-Grandma's grave and Little G felt that he lost his driving plates and so we pulled over at the nearest petrol to get new plates. And as I was buying them, the lady at the counter said "What are you doing here?" because as you know, there are no Asians in Port Pirie.
And I said "Oh, we have relatives that used to live here, you may not know him but he was called Ah Gap! and he's buried around here."
And she said "Isn't that odd! you might be related to..Charlie [let's call him Charlie]. Charlie is Ah Gap's son.
And I said "Is that so?" and she replied "Yes, it's such a sad story. Ah Gap misbehaved with this married woman and then when Charlie came out, he was most certainly .. well Eurasian! It just couldn't be hidden. The woman's husband was very angry and he sent Charlie to an orphanage in Perth. He came back to Port Pirie eventually- I'm not sure if they reunited or anything, but Charlie is still around, he's still around here."
[Uncle G smiles at this point] well I didn't know whether to believe her or not. What an amazing story! So I looked him up in the phonebook and there he is! So we're going to go and find him and confirm the story when we have time.
Me: Wow. Whoa. Wow. He might not want to accept this motley crew you know. [He may not even remember anything! He'd be .. between 80 and 90?!]
Uncle G: Well we're going to go and see him and if he doesn't accept us, then that's okay too. But you know as long as we try.
Possibly none of this is true or maybe all of it is true, but there are elements of it which are gobsmackingly heart-breaking, a little boy who no-one wanted, three adults who were more than a bit assy about the whole thing [ I find it mind-boggling that they were just hoping he'd turn out white], a father who never got to see his son and the son who returned to the provincial little town and stayed for.. some sort of resolution.
There are so many untied threads to this whole thing and maybe if he's lucid enough and willing, he'll talk about it but I don't blame him if he doesn't.
(My Dad used to talk about how when he was naughty as a child, my Great-Grandmother used to chase him around with an axe so he would run up a tree and hide. I figure she never found out about the lovechild because if she did Ol' Ah Gap would have died a little more prematurely than he did.)
-Billie Jean, Michael Jackson
This post is dedicated to my Great-Grandfather who passed away 10 years before I was born and almost got away with it. Boss, if you're feeling guilty- I don't blame you.
So I'm having yum cha with some relatives on my Dad's side, specifically my Uncle G [who is my Dad's cousin] and my Great-Uncle W [who is my Dad's Uncle/My Grandfather's brother], there were other relatives there but I don't want to make this too confusing for people not familiar with my family tree.
Uncle G mentions that they might possibly be heading to Adelaide during the Easter Holidays and my curiosity was instantly piqued. Why? Don't get me wrong, I love Adelaide but there is absolutely nothing to do there - the zoo maybe.
Uncle G: We might have a long-lost relative [he gestures to Great-Uncle W] We think he might have a half-brother.
[Great-Uncle W just keeps eating his dumpling as if he has half siblings all over the country and it's no big deal.]
Me: What? What do you mean?
Uncle G: Well it's this amazing serendipitous story. We were driving in Port Pirie last year to visit your Great-Grandma's grave and Little G felt that he lost his driving plates and so we pulled over at the nearest petrol to get new plates. And as I was buying them, the lady at the counter said "What are you doing here?" because as you know, there are no Asians in Port Pirie.
And I said "Oh, we have relatives that used to live here, you may not know him but he was called Ah Gap! and he's buried around here."
And she said "Isn't that odd! you might be related to..Charlie [let's call him Charlie]. Charlie is Ah Gap's son.
And I said "Is that so?" and she replied "Yes, it's such a sad story. Ah Gap misbehaved with this married woman and then when Charlie came out, he was most certainly .. well Eurasian! It just couldn't be hidden. The woman's husband was very angry and he sent Charlie to an orphanage in Perth. He came back to Port Pirie eventually- I'm not sure if they reunited or anything, but Charlie is still around, he's still around here."
[Uncle G smiles at this point] well I didn't know whether to believe her or not. What an amazing story! So I looked him up in the phonebook and there he is! So we're going to go and find him and confirm the story when we have time.
Me: Wow. Whoa. Wow. He might not want to accept this motley crew you know. [He may not even remember anything! He'd be .. between 80 and 90?!]
Uncle G: Well we're going to go and see him and if he doesn't accept us, then that's okay too. But you know as long as we try.
Possibly none of this is true or maybe all of it is true, but there are elements of it which are gobsmackingly heart-breaking, a little boy who no-one wanted, three adults who were more than a bit assy about the whole thing [ I find it mind-boggling that they were just hoping he'd turn out white], a father who never got to see his son and the son who returned to the provincial little town and stayed for.. some sort of resolution.
There are so many untied threads to this whole thing and maybe if he's lucid enough and willing, he'll talk about it but I don't blame him if he doesn't.
(My Dad used to talk about how when he was naughty as a child, my Great-Grandmother used to chase him around with an axe so he would run up a tree and hide. I figure she never found out about the lovechild because if she did Ol' Ah Gap would have died a little more prematurely than he did.)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Dude, wear protection.
A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I asked him where he went the night before and he was "I did this bar, and this bar and then we went to the Ivy!"
I think at that point I must've pulled a face and he said "what? what you don't like the Ivy?"
"Not really, that place is full of douches. If you threw a rock into the crowd there, you'd hit a douche."
He laughed and looked at me like I was seven years old. Anyway.
So last night [while there, natch] while in a line to get up the stairs [yeah, there's a line for the stairs. It's really stupid.] there was a guy behind me on the phone talking really loudly and this is what I mean when I say douches.
"YOU MUST GET AN ABORTION! I don't want no kid! Do you hear me?? An Abortion! Get an abortion! NAO!"
This is all while the music is slowly getting louder and louder. Everyone around us is either dancing or swaying. Saint Mary and I are dying to turn around and get a look at this guy.
"I TOLD YOU. YOU'RE NOT KEEPING IT AND I DON'T WANT IT."
He's quiet for thirteen seconds while I presume she's pleading for the life of her unborn child or something before he kicks her down the stairs which are not the ones we are lining up for.
"AN ABORTION! YOU ARE GETTING AN ABORTION!"
Ok, I can't do it anymore. I'm going to pass out from curiosity. Even if God wants to turn me into a pillar of salt- I pay that. I turn around to see this fairly young mediterranean looking guy [uh.. twenty three?] in a white collared shirt being led away by his friends, they've given up on the line and are heading to the bar. Apparently he needs a drink!
I'm going to need a drink after recapping that. And probably a neck brace because I just can't stop shaking my head in consternation. Is it too much for him to get a passout and take the call outside and not in the middle of an extremely busy and crowded club? Especially when it possibly involves him paying child support for the next eighteen years? And her?! If you can barely hear him over the music or if he sounds possibly like he might be getting a wee bit drunk, and you want to keep the child.. you might want to pick a better time to tell him. Like in the daytime. In person. You might want your partner to have a little clarity when talking to him about life-altering decisions.
In sum, he's a complete asshole, she has atrocious timing and we should all wear protection because there but for the grace of God go you.
[Hey you! If you're reading this- then I was right! So many assholes!]
I think at that point I must've pulled a face and he said "what? what you don't like the Ivy?"
"Not really, that place is full of douches. If you threw a rock into the crowd there, you'd hit a douche."
He laughed and looked at me like I was seven years old. Anyway.
So last night [while there, natch] while in a line to get up the stairs [yeah, there's a line for the stairs. It's really stupid.] there was a guy behind me on the phone talking really loudly and this is what I mean when I say douches.
"YOU MUST GET AN ABORTION! I don't want no kid! Do you hear me?? An Abortion! Get an abortion! NAO!"
This is all while the music is slowly getting louder and louder. Everyone around us is either dancing or swaying. Saint Mary and I are dying to turn around and get a look at this guy.
"I TOLD YOU. YOU'RE NOT KEEPING IT AND I DON'T WANT IT."
He's quiet for thirteen seconds while I presume she's pleading for the life of her unborn child or something before he kicks her down the stairs which are not the ones we are lining up for.
"AN ABORTION! YOU ARE GETTING AN ABORTION!"
Ok, I can't do it anymore. I'm going to pass out from curiosity. Even if God wants to turn me into a pillar of salt- I pay that. I turn around to see this fairly young mediterranean looking guy [uh.. twenty three?] in a white collared shirt being led away by his friends, they've given up on the line and are heading to the bar. Apparently he needs a drink!
I'm going to need a drink after recapping that. And probably a neck brace because I just can't stop shaking my head in consternation. Is it too much for him to get a passout and take the call outside and not in the middle of an extremely busy and crowded club? Especially when it possibly involves him paying child support for the next eighteen years? And her?! If you can barely hear him over the music or if he sounds possibly like he might be getting a wee bit drunk, and you want to keep the child.. you might want to pick a better time to tell him. Like in the daytime. In person. You might want your partner to have a little clarity when talking to him about life-altering decisions.
In sum, he's a complete asshole, she has atrocious timing and we should all wear protection because there but for the grace of God go you.
[Hey you! If you're reading this- then I was right! So many assholes!]
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My street and the book club on the graas
I was going to ruminate on the last days of summer but I won't go there today.
My street is really really weird. For such a 'upper class' street, it really is populated by bunch of weirdos [including myself of course]. If it's not car vandalism [sticky tape much?], it's all hours sex screaming, kidnapped dogs and drunken banjo playing. Or we're all just all out fighting for carspots.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that someone had left some books on the grass next to the mailbox. They'd kind of spread them out like a showcase, there was a couple of Patricia Cornwells and a Michael Connelly and some other authors I didn't really recognise. I would possibly have picked up the Michael Connelly .. if I wasn't completely OCD about second hand books and also I was running late so I kind of ran off and didn't really think about it.
When I came home, everything but one Cornwell was gone and then the next morning that had disappeared as well. So maybe my street is full of mystery novel fans??
Anyway, I thought that would have been a one-off incident until I came home today and there was just one lonely book sitting in the grass. Shantaram.
Yes it was just sitting there like that
By my knowledge Shantaram is not a cheap book, I recall standing at a bookstore once and debating whether it would've been worth it to pay the thirty-five for it. Thirty five was just way too dear.
And for some unfathomable reason or another, my neighbour [neighbours?] have decided to start passing off their old books on the grass. I don't get it. So I tacked a sign on the bulletin board asking Why exactly are people leaving books everywhere and could you please explain. I really hope someone answers.
I picked up Shantaram with two fingers and am now in the process of disinfecting it with disinfectant cloths. I may never read it.. [what if someone took it into the bathroom?! erk] I guess I could always put it back if I don't want it?
My street is really really weird. For such a 'upper class' street, it really is populated by bunch of weirdos [including myself of course]. If it's not car vandalism [sticky tape much?], it's all hours sex screaming, kidnapped dogs and drunken banjo playing. Or we're all just all out fighting for carspots.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that someone had left some books on the grass next to the mailbox. They'd kind of spread them out like a showcase, there was a couple of Patricia Cornwells and a Michael Connelly and some other authors I didn't really recognise. I would possibly have picked up the Michael Connelly .. if I wasn't completely OCD about second hand books and also I was running late so I kind of ran off and didn't really think about it.
When I came home, everything but one Cornwell was gone and then the next morning that had disappeared as well. So maybe my street is full of mystery novel fans??
Anyway, I thought that would have been a one-off incident until I came home today and there was just one lonely book sitting in the grass. Shantaram.
Yes it was just sitting there like thatAnd for some unfathomable reason or another, my neighbour [neighbours?] have decided to start passing off their old books on the grass. I don't get it. So I tacked a sign on the bulletin board asking Why exactly are people leaving books everywhere and could you please explain. I really hope someone answers.
I picked up Shantaram with two fingers and am now in the process of disinfecting it with disinfectant cloths. I may never read it.. [what if someone took it into the bathroom?! erk] I guess I could always put it back if I don't want it?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Presumptious
And so he messages me without any prior conversation or forewarning "Oaks 2morrow 9pm"
I'm.. I'm just supposed to show up because you say so?! Should I be all swoony because you're so masculine and demanding like a demanding masculine hybrid of Russell Crowe and Don Draper?? Do all the ladies come-a-runnin' at your beck and call?
Fuck you buddy, I'd rather stay home and wash my hair.
I'm.. I'm just supposed to show up because you say so?! Should I be all swoony because you're so masculine and demanding like a demanding masculine hybrid of Russell Crowe and Don Draper?? Do all the ladies come-a-runnin' at your beck and call?
Fuck you buddy, I'd rather stay home and wash my hair.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
22/03/2011
If you ask where I've been-I've been around giving myself a bittermelon jelly eating disorder. The thing with bittermelon jelly [and it tastes almost as despicable as it sounds] is that its this cool frosty green colour and it looks oh so inviting. You lift it to your lips and delicately place it on your tongue and it tastes exactly like normal sweet delightful jelly but give it a few seconds and the bittermelon aftertaste rolls around and in your mouth what was once a sweet sweet dessert morphs into a pissed off vegetable. Breathe, gag and swallow [Keep your mind out of the gutter folks!].
And then because it's sitting in front of you all pretty and green and you remember how enchanting the jelly was before the aftertaste, you reach out and do it all again. Thus giving yourself what can only be described as a bittermelon jelly eating disorder. I didn't realise I was such a sadomasochist.
--
"It's too fucking late to be happy."
Rabbit, Run. John Updike
That book pissed me off so bad. Why would anyone empathise with Rabbit? Rabbit is not complex or sympathetic and comes across about as 2Dimensional as a torn off piece of the Yellow Pages. He runs away from his pregnant wife, he stuffs around on her while she drowns their kid, he pins the blame on her at the funeral ("I didn't do it" [!]) and then he runs away from his pregnant mistress. In short, Rabbit is a complete asshole and if John Updike wasn't dead, I'd punch him for completely wasting my time.
--
Today my co-worker was complaining that she wasn't able to photoshop the logo into the box without destroying the proportions. I said very helpfully "Why don't you just keep it the size it is and just add a black box to the back?". She gave me a cranky look "Because that would take fifteen minutes."
I opened my mouth to say "It would only take two seconds!" but then I remembered when I first started using photoshop, I wanted to throw bricks at the inventors of Adobe and I distinctly recall blogging about it ( there it is!) And Photoshop is really really hard for beginners. So I shut my mouth and didn't say anything. I give myself a pat on the back for not being a total hypocrite. Yeah I do.
--
Jewel tones are in this winter, that means mixing purple and green. There's just no way. We'd all end up looking like Zelda.
--
And I guess that's where I've been. Reading. driving around. trying to be good, eating obnoxious concoctions and doing my best to stay upbeat [because lately I'm varying between tearful and snippy.. snearful? tearippy? bipolar??]. This weather is making me crazy.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
At this time last year
Last year at this exact time, I received a call "I was just thinking about you, do you want to meet up?" And I felt invincible, like I was standing on a precipice of infinite possibilities.
If I had to say I miss him, I'd say that I miss his boundless enthusiasm, he was positively contagious with it and it was hard to not get caught up in it as well. He was a guy who unapologetically and sincerely loved life. He never went through the motions like the rest of us poor mopes.
I guess I say this because a year feels like such a long time ago and that feeling even longer. It doesn't feel like all of that was a year ago, so much has happened that it seems closer to fifty.
He turns to me and says excitedly "Oh my God! I just saw a shooting star! Over there! Look!". I completely missed it but I'm in my own way still looking for one.
If I had to say I miss him, I'd say that I miss his boundless enthusiasm, he was positively contagious with it and it was hard to not get caught up in it as well. He was a guy who unapologetically and sincerely loved life. He never went through the motions like the rest of us poor mopes.
I guess I say this because a year feels like such a long time ago and that feeling even longer. It doesn't feel like all of that was a year ago, so much has happened that it seems closer to fifty.
He turns to me and says excitedly "Oh my God! I just saw a shooting star! Over there! Look!". I completely missed it but I'm in my own way still looking for one.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The boyfriend log
He called it quits with me after two months
She and he mutually broke up just short of three
And then this one scraped in a record low with one
Jeebus. I kind of have to shake my head at our current track record. It's like the three of us are in a fight to the death to see who can have the shortest relationship.
She finds this hilarious: So far I win no?
She and he mutually broke up just short of three
And then this one scraped in a record low with one
Jeebus. I kind of have to shake my head at our current track record. It's like the three of us are in a fight to the death to see who can have the shortest relationship.
She finds this hilarious: So far I win no?
Monday, March 14, 2011
More randomness
[Ignore my hands.. I don't know why they look so big. And yellow.] But a lanyard with a key on it can only mean one thing- I'm sort of-kind of coming out of retirement and hurrah!On a sadder note, my first blog today at work was on the Japanese earthquake tsunami. Going to Google People Finder and then sobbing like a baby is considered highly unprofessional in the workplace, so you just kind of have to look up at the ceiling and blink for a bit. [My advice for tears at work from a consumate crier]
Not everyone is going to find everyone.
In case you missed this on my facebook, I'm going to post it again [and probably periodically on a monthly basis] because I love it on so much. Rawrrrr.. Bacon.
There are so many things that I love about this picture that I can't even begin to name all of them [but I'll try?] 1. It's a SHOE!2. It's a SHOE that drives at 19mph
3. What the hell is he doing in a SHOE?
4. I looove how happy the guy is in the shoe, he is the happiest shoe guy ever.
5. And he's cute! Bonus!
6. And I like what he's wearing clothes-wise.
7. What's with all the pissed off Asians in the background?
7. Oh. It's a test drive for a shoe car [only $6500!] I'm guessing then those pissed off people are actually pissed off commie workers and that the rider is the factory owner's son. They might uprise and kill him.
8. He wouldn't get very far at 19mph .
9.It can carry two people! Take me away in a giant SHOE!
Friday, March 11, 2011
The resemblance is uncanny!
I think that if he were younger, I'd be more attracted to him and less likely to find his philosophies tired and blustery. I don't know when I ended up so ageist.
--
We're sitting around and he's going through my iPod [hilariously he doesn't know how to use it] and to his delight he scrolls to: Kate Bush! You have Kate Bush!
Me: Yeah, I like Kate Bush
Him: Have you seen the clip for Wuthering Heights, she's just so...
Me: Sure, the one where's she dancing around the forest? It's really something.
Him: She is really unique, with the dancing and the falsetto. You know you remind me of her?
This is Kate Bush for the uninitiated.Me: ................................................................................... Oh-kay! [She's white! She's really really white! He's getting myopic in his old age. And possibly colour blind.]
Him: Yeah, it's the whole quirkiness and mystique thing
Me: I think you're just in a roundabout way saying that I can't dance and I can't really sing. Normally.
Him: You are really awful at taking compliments
Me: I don't know how saying that I resemble Kate Bush is a compliment
Him: I also think you look like Lucy Liu
Me: *aghast. My eyes are bigger!
Him: Yeah, it's the whole quirkiness and mystique thing
Me: I think you're just in a roundabout way saying that I can't dance and I can't really sing. Normally.
Him: You are really awful at taking compliments
Me: I don't know how saying that I resemble Kate Bush is a compliment
Him: I also think you look like Lucy Liu
Me: *aghast. My eyes are bigger!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
10 Random Disney thoughts
I was going to talk about my toes and genetics.. aren't you glad I decided not to?
1. I just saw Tangled, and I must be getting really old in my old age but I did not get what was going on half the time because of the MTV jumpcuts [also get off my lawn yeah?]
2. I'd still marry Flynn Rider though! I'm exempting the fact that he can't sing. But he has gorgeous hair for the entire movie and wields a mean frying pan. What can I say? I'm easy.
Also this is his schmooze face. I love schmooze face.
3. In no particular order, I still wouldn't date: The Beast [attitude!], Simba [Daddy issues], Robin Hood [Not much attraction to foxes], John Smith [I don't care how blonde you are, You can't just dig up other peoples countries. God.]
4. I miss sitting in front of the small tv watching Steamboat Willie on vhs. I'm pretty sure no-one under 70 knows what I'm talking about so if you're under 70 don't ask. Just google.
5. But if you ask nicely, I can whistle you the Steamboat Willie theme like Mickey Mouse. And if you pass me one of those boat-moving-steering-wheel things, I could probably jig like him although it wouldn't be as cute. Because I'm not a cartoon mouse.
6. And this was disturbing to the extreme. I was so innocent upon a time before the internet.
7. I always felt sorry for the girl squirrel from Sword in the Stone. Stupid Arthur.
Arthur: I tried to tell you. I'm, I'm a boy. A human boy! Oh! If you could only understand.
Merlin: You know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing.
Arthur: Greater than gravity?
Merlin: Well yes, boy, in its way... yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth.
8. I had a copy of Song of the South on vhs which I rewatched to death and I didn't grow up to encourage slavery or trick my fellow animals into thorn bushes. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah folks. Kids are not as literal as you think, so release the DVD already! Actually no, release the Black Cauldron DVD first. Release something!
9. Look out! Look out!
Pink elephants on parade
Here they come!
10. And lastly for some Queen Latifah/Ursula awesomeness! Cool right?
I don't love Annie Leibovitz but this is one of the best of the series. Also look for the one with Olivia Wilde as the Evil Queen. It's really something.
1. I just saw Tangled, and I must be getting really old in my old age but I did not get what was going on half the time because of the MTV jumpcuts [also get off my lawn yeah?]
2. I'd still marry Flynn Rider though! I'm exempting the fact that he can't sing. But he has gorgeous hair for the entire movie and wields a mean frying pan. What can I say? I'm easy.
Also this is his schmooze face. I love schmooze face.3. In no particular order, I still wouldn't date: The Beast [attitude!], Simba [Daddy issues], Robin Hood [Not much attraction to foxes], John Smith [I don't care how blonde you are, You can't just dig up other peoples countries. God.]
4. I miss sitting in front of the small tv watching Steamboat Willie on vhs. I'm pretty sure no-one under 70 knows what I'm talking about so if you're under 70 don't ask. Just google.
5. But if you ask nicely, I can whistle you the Steamboat Willie theme like Mickey Mouse. And if you pass me one of those boat-moving-steering-wheel things, I could probably jig like him although it wouldn't be as cute. Because I'm not a cartoon mouse.
6. And this was disturbing to the extreme. I was so innocent upon a time before the internet.
7. I always felt sorry for the girl squirrel from Sword in the Stone. Stupid Arthur.
Arthur: I tried to tell you. I'm, I'm a boy. A human boy! Oh! If you could only understand.
Merlin: You know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing.
Arthur: Greater than gravity?
Merlin: Well yes, boy, in its way... yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth.
8. I had a copy of Song of the South on vhs which I rewatched to death and I didn't grow up to encourage slavery or trick my fellow animals into thorn bushes. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah folks. Kids are not as literal as you think, so release the DVD already! Actually no, release the Black Cauldron DVD first. Release something!
9. Look out! Look out!
Pink elephants on parade
Here they come!
10. And lastly for some Queen Latifah/Ursula awesomeness! Cool right?
I don't love Annie Leibovitz but this is one of the best of the series. Also look for the one with Olivia Wilde as the Evil Queen. It's really something.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
My darling turtle
*Names withheld for my safety. If you come by this, don't kill me. No-one knows its you! Unless they decide to process my elimination and then I'm stuffed but I never write here anymore so I'm thinking that no-one reads it? Hm.
[They've just started dating]
She: He's calling me by an animal name already! I'm doomed!
Me: What's that? Puppy? Kitty? Piggy? My neighbour calls me Tiger. I find that really attractive. I don't know why. I'm a bit demented. So what is he calling you?
She: Turtle. Awkward turtle.
Me: .............................................................. I thought turtle was a euphemism for penis in Chinese. You know the turtle head kinda looks like a penis head...... and... and...
She: Oh my God. What. are. you. trying. to say.
Me: He's Chinese and he called you a turtle... albeit an awkward one. I uhm. Hm. Let's drag another friend into this to solve this shall we!?
Me: What's with this whole turtle=penis thing?
Him: A turtle pulls its head back into its shell like a penis pulls itself back into uncircumcised skin.
Me: Wow. Graphic. Is the whole turtle=penis thing a country specific thing or is it say regulated to one county?
He: It's one county
Me: And it's not his county! You can relax! You're just his darling turtle!
She: That's just spiffing. He didn't affectionately refer to me as his awkward penis.
[They've just started dating]
She: He's calling me by an animal name already! I'm doomed!
Me: What's that? Puppy? Kitty? Piggy? My neighbour calls me Tiger. I find that really attractive. I don't know why. I'm a bit demented. So what is he calling you?
She: Turtle. Awkward turtle.
Me: .............................................................. I thought turtle was a euphemism for penis in Chinese. You know the turtle head kinda looks like a penis head...... and... and...
She: Oh my God. What. are. you. trying. to say.
Me: He's Chinese and he called you a turtle... albeit an awkward one. I uhm. Hm. Let's drag another friend into this to solve this shall we!?
Me: What's with this whole turtle=penis thing?
Him: A turtle pulls its head back into its shell like a penis pulls itself back into uncircumcised skin.
Me: Wow. Graphic. Is the whole turtle=penis thing a country specific thing or is it say regulated to one county?
He: It's one county
Me: And it's not his county! You can relax! You're just his darling turtle!
She: That's just spiffing. He didn't affectionately refer to me as his awkward penis.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
I give up.
Mush: Come meet my friend Coconat. She's smart and pretty!
Matty: Smart girls freak me out.
Why advocate trying to change the world one person at a time when you can simply stay at home and beat your head in a rhythmic fashion against the desk like this? Whump. Whump. Whump.
Matty: Smart girls freak me out.
Why advocate trying to change the world one person at a time when you can simply stay at home and beat your head in a rhythmic fashion against the desk like this? Whump. Whump. Whump.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Ninnies and romance
“Men don’t want successful women, men want to be admired,” she said. “It’s important to them that the woman is full of energy at night and not playing with her BlackBerry in bed.”And that's not even the choicest quote in the whole article. Keeping Romance Alive in the Age of Female Empowerment. It's a feature written by ninnies for ninnies with ninnies in mind, God, I can't even muster the energy to be mad at this thing. Suffice to say, if you're paying for everything and your partner only ever whips out his own credit card to make himself look good in front of the receptionist/waiter/valet.. maybe you should have a couple of question marks over your head about his priorities?! No? Ok, just me then.
And I'm going to be playing with my Blackberry in bed anyway, I'd rather be doing that than soothing the ego of some insecure headcase.
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"Malkovich?"
"Malkovich! Malkovich Malkovich, Malkovich."
"MALKOVICH!!! Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich; Malokovich Malkovich, Malkovich Malkovich."
"Malkovich. Malkovich."
[Which is pretty much all I'm hearing today. La la la.]
"No I don't wanna get thrown in your ocean/
Don't try/
You know that we already know you/
It's over
At your own burial/
Don't forget to cry at your own burial
-Burial, Miike Snow
And I am never failingly surprised when it clonks me on the head and I get hurt.
Yeah, it's dumb I know. Watch the ball, don't stand in the line of fire and be more careful next time when playing with stupid boys.