Pink Toaster!

I found it!

So lets all squee for my pink toaster!

SQUEE!

My life is an anecdote

Me: Hello Sir, what would you like?

Customer: Do you have cwanbewwy?

Me: [Straightest face ever] Yes, we have cranberry

Customer: Well, I would like some cwanbewwy and wodka

He's having me on right? This guy was 5"9 and built like a tank and he talked like Elmer Fudd.

---

So I crashed my car on Wednesday and I dragged my fender all the way home. I'm thinking when my cousin Matt sees it, he's going to wish he put it in storage. Anyway, I was upset but its nice that when the chips are down [or at least horribly dented] that there are friends who will go out of their way to help you, I had not one but three offers to help me to take it to a smash repairer. Aww, much love to you guys.

---

This bartender [I'm thinking he was in jest] called me the angriest person he's ever met. Seriously? I'm probably in the running for most sarcastic and I'm coming in third for most self-conscious but the angriest? I have yet to kungfu kick anybody in the nuts or whomp someone on the head with a beer bottle. Sif angriest.

---

So I went with Mystic Meg to see a psychic yesterday and its a store connected to a day spa connected to an organic hairdresser. Anyway, I was waiting for her when all of a sudden this Russian [?] man comes up to me and starts pumping my hand.
"HellomynameisMichelandImgoingtolookafteryoutodaythankyouforcomingwhatwouldyoulikedonetoday?"
And I'm trying to interrupt this little speech, but he's talking at full speed still holding my hand, when this lady coughs and says "Er, I think you're after me", he lets go of my hand at sonic speed, turns around and delivers the almost same speech to her! "HellomynameisMicheland...."
I guess that hairdresser is not absorbing any psychic vibes coming from the shop.

---

I picked up a pendulum in the same shop and was playing around with it. Not to be skeptical, but surely the wind affects how it moves right? If it moves side to side then its a boy, and its moves round then its a girl. Not that I'm pregnant or anything. But I'm curious to have someone explain to me exactly *who they think is pushing the pendulum. [yes, the wind. Shutup]

---

My stepdad bought my mum a ten dollar toaster and of course [of course!] it doesn't work properly so I offered her my one [Its a designer toaster!] and went to Myers to look for a pink toaster to match my pink spatula/saucepan/teapot [I'm aiming for a completely pink kitchen]. I remembered seeing one ages ago so I asked the saleslady about it. She told me that it had been discontinued and replaced with a fawn colour. A fawn colour. Erk, a fawn colour.. who uses brown toasters?! People who want to match the toast to the toaster.

List of people that probably would enjoy a fawn coloured toaster:
Hunters
People who decorate their kitchen in varying shades of brown.
Colour blind people.
Nutsos.

The saleslady was very nice and thought she remembered a toaster that may have had a pink border. No, that was also replaced by fawn. Look for my puke, it will also be fawn coloured.

I left completely bitter as not only did they not have my pink toaster but they also didn't sell Indiana Jones action figures. Stupid store.

So many Mushes, what to do?

*Ring ring [Thats a ringing phone.. ]

Dakota: Hey Mush, guess what?

Mush: [lottery/accidents/marriage..] ..what?

Dakota: I was in the city and I saw a girl who looked like you! Down to the boots and the hair.

Mush: Oh? Apparently there's a lot of me roaming around

Dakota: So I ran up to her and smacked her on the butt!

Mush: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. erm.. did she like that?

Dakota: She said "What the fuck?!"

Mush: Maybe her friends don't smack her on the butt as often as my friends smack me on the butt!

Dakota: I apologised, then she got really pissy and stomped off.

Mush: WAHAHAHAAHAHA..

Dakota: Lucky I didn't grab her ass.

[Aww, my poor clone.. can't even walk down the street without being molested!]

Randomnessly..

-I still love Indiana Jones. He can enter my temple of doom anytime! [Or my temple of lurveeee.]

-I've started reading crime novels. Am currently reading "The Devil's feather"- the problem is it's not scary.

-I've also started liking champagne. As I grow older, it tastes less like cat pee.

- The three types of footballs for the three types of football are Sherrin, Gilbert and Steedon [Shit, I hope thats right!]

-Poker nights are always better when you wear jeans.

-Having your eyebrows waxed doesn't really hurt that much

-I drove all the way to Chatswood and back.. by myself! I'm so proud, I'm patting myself on the back.

-My supe Dan gave me a fridge magnet. Its a Star City fridge magnet. What am I going to do with a Star City fridge magnet?

Sometimes you just have to refrain from the jokes

So I have this friend called Mystic Meg. We are calling her this because 1) I'm playing altogether too much Phoenix Wright on the ds and 2) She is the believe-iest person I have ever met* She tells fortunes, sees psychics and not in the light hearted way. That girl is into that stuff. She doesn't really joke about it, and sometimes I have trouble not joking about it. Observe.

---

Over a lunch of chicken foot salad [for real] and tomato sea snail vermicelli [also for real]

Mm: So I went to see this group of psychics and one of them was just staring at me!

Me: Why?

Mm: Well I went to ask her and she said "You're an angel."

Me: An angel? What?

Mm: Well not exactly an angel. But more like a pixie.

Me: You're a pixie.

Mm: Thats what she said! I have a bright light around me.

Me: Chicks, you're not a pixie.

Mystic Meg then looks at me like I stepped on a baby or something.

Sigh.

So introducing Mystic Meg! The only person I know who knows what epsom salts really do [truly, I thought they woke people up from fainting but actually you use them to bathe. See? you do learn stuff on this blog. Occasionally] It makes life more fun and more interesting to have friends who have varied interests .. No I'm not harping on you, my fifteen medi-science friends.

* She officially trumped Lovey who once told the people at work that her psychic said that her children were angels who hadn't been born yet. But that once they relinquished angel status then they would be coming down her fallopian tubes. I didn't know what to say to this. This really mean girl said openly to her face that it was ridiculous. And.. not good form ok? Upsetting people is bad. Upsetting nice people is extra bad. Don't do it.

Dear Coldplay

Dear Coldplay,

You're back. Omg. Why are you so awesome? Do you know your awesomeness is making my head explode?

Mush

P.s You've reduced me to a gibbering fangirl. Again. I must lay at your feet.

P.p.s I took my love down to violet hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

Life goes on

So a couple of months ago, Sb and I caught a bus [yes, he caught a bus. Its amazing, I know], we boarded and I was just daydreaming random thoughts out the window. [Peanut butter/coloured pencils/world peace/the taste of blu tack] when the bus stopped and on boarded four girls about my age.

Well no big deal right? I watched them for a little while- and they were just four ordinary girls laughing, talking about boys and work, maybe going somewhere to eat.

There was all this closeness and camaraderie being taken for granted. And I swear I have never been struck by this sensation before [I'll try and describe it properly for you] but I felt envy. I was choked and blocked off by this envy- in fact I could feel myself physically getting nauseous, I was trying to swallow this bile and I knew I was going green [see? I thought that was a myth, but you actually go green]
Sb shook me a bit and asked me if I was ok because I was looking a little pale.

They got off at the next stop, and when they left, the envy dispersed and all I felt was incredibly sad. The fact that the three of us would never ever do something so simple and ordinary again, we would see each other again for sure but something so everyday was not going to happen and if it did, it would not be for a really long time. When we got off the bus, I had to stop and have a little cry for that loss.

Every now and then, I think of those four girls and I have a little twinge. Last night I thought about how much more self sufficient I've gotten since they've left, I stood up and brushed myself off and headed home. Life goes on, but it doesn't stop you from having a twinge once in a while.

Mush the social butterfly on Saturday night

Saturday night

6:00- Sb is flailing wildly "We're going to be LATE. Hurry Up! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!" [repeat that sentence about sixteen times during the course of five minutes]

6:05- I'm frantically trying to ignore him, end up jamming my legs into two pairs of hose which incidentally have about nine runs in it. Three which look like wolverine has taken a swipe at my knee. And a massive hole on the thigh which is about the size of a burger.

6:07- "Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!"

6:08- Oh fuck it, I'll just go with these tights. They're going to be under boots anyway and no-one will see them so who cares right?

6:09- SB: "Errrr, what happened to your knee? It looks like you got into a fight with Wolverine"
Me: "Shut up. Or I'm heading back to get changed!"
SB does the sensible thing and doesn't remark on it anymore although he'll occasionally furrow his brow and look at my legs and sigh. Not longingly.

7:10- After racing to get there, and liberally swearing at every [Asian] driver that we see. We arrive!

7:11- Hmmm.. its awkward already. Why are the tables divided like that?! They've joined two round tables together like a figure eight and the first table is full while the second table is like the leftover table. We've been consigned to the kids table! Man, I'm glad that I wasn't in charge of the booking because I would've ripped that hosts ears off his head and made him eat them.

7:20- Mrs Moo gets up and tries to make conversation with me, it starts off with "You still have a cold! Last time I saw you, you had a cold!"
Me: "Its cold?"
Ok neither of us are going to win awards for beautiful conversation flow.

7:22- I'm on the other side on the big table talking to Mrs Gold about my eyelashes. I would really rather talk about anything else other than my lashes. Chinese politics, serial killers, whether the smurfs are overrated, something anything.

7:24- There's only really so much you can talk about lashes. I've covered two minutes worth.. I'm starting to get really awkward. I mean its boring for her [who wants to hear it?!] and its boring for me.

7:25: Mrs Moo releases me "You look quite embarrassed, maybe you want to go back?"

7:25- Back in my seat, I never realised how much I love my seat. I bet this seat never felt so much love.

7:35- Wheeee! Dakota is here! Wait, thats not Dakota. It's a pink, puffy version of her
She's completely sunburnt. It's sort of hilarious, she's like a beacon.

7:45- 8:30: While I eat, Dakota and Sb mock squabble. I'm enjoying the mock squabbling, except when they get really excited and lean and do it over my food.

9:00- We were going to tip the waiter out two dollars but we were nice and upped it to six.

9:10- Standing on the street deciding what to do.

9:15- Still deciding.

9:16- 9:30 We're going to Eric's place and subsequently I have an in-car meltdown.
Sb: Whats wrong
Me: we're going to Eric's place? Does that mean we have to take off our shoes?
Sb: Yes, we're asian
Me: I CAN'T TAKE OFF MY SHOES. * Yoinks a boot off and lobs it.
It is revealed that my tights have now accumulated more runs and more holes and now look like something even Oliver Twist would be ashamed of ["Tsk. tsk. Madam, your appearance is detestable!"]. There are even runs on the toes. How you get runs on the toes, I don't know. I was sitting the entire time
Sb: Whoa. Do you want to go home?
Me: *snippy, No we will go and I will sit awkwardly.

9:26- We arrive at Eric's place, where I speedily jump on the couch arrange my skirt over my legs and sit uber awkwardly.

9:30: Oh, the legs they are killing me.

9:45- Ahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooga! The legs, they are beyond pissed off.

9:45- Oh forget it. I commandeer Sb's jumper and wrap it around my legs. Oh sweet relief. What a waste of yoga class.

9:46- Sb complains he's cold. Ha

10:05- It's cake time! Oh, crap I have to walk over. I shuffle reluctantly to the dining table and perch awkwardly on the edge of a chair. I'm walking so slowly that I'm thinking that they're thinking I'm being anti-social.

10:06- Return to my spot on the couch with strawberry cheesecake. I'm starting to feel bad about not mingling.

10:30- Mrs Furter falls asleep on the couch

10:45- Mrs Moo falls asleep on the couch [it's a big couch]

00:00- I'm starting to fall asleep .. zzz.. The only person still awake on the lounge is Mrs Ken. The boys are playing poker and taking shots. Darn, I want to drink shots and play poker. Stupid tights. I wake up to the tv playing a trance song which involves women having milkshakes being poured on them in a sexual way, except it doesn't look sexual -it looks gross. I feel sorry for those girls I hope they get good commission.

2:00- Time to go home! Oh God, I'm so bleary. On the way home, SB accuses me of being anti-social. I wearily pull another hole in my tights for his benefit and he doesn't say anything, we are both wishing that I wore jeans tonight. [Well, actually he was quite smooshed so maybe I'm projecting. I definitely wish I wore jeans]

It's too early. Eek

It is six thirty in the morning. I am never on the computer at six thirty. I want to go back to sleep. Zzz.. Unfortunately my girlfriend duties include

- Being nice
-Reminders to take out the garbage [this involves being nice]
- And marking his f#@*%ing essays every month or so.

And so it goes when you date somebody whose English is not his first language [that wasn't gramatically correct, was it? I'm obviously in no position to mark anything. It's six thirty in the morning! Shut up and leave me alone!]

..I'm so jumpy when I'm tired. And now I'm peaky to the max. I heard this 'ksssssssh' sound behind me and I almost gave myself whiplash trying to see what it was. It turns out it was a piece of paper falling to the ground. Thats right. A piece of paper. Stationary is freaking me out. I'd like to go back to sleep please before I hurt myself.

I'm thinking to have a red bull. Is it too early to have Red bull? I'm thinking too much sugar.. but I have no access to coffee [see? Priorities. Red bull first. Coffee second]

How to get out of dinner on Saturday

This Saturday, I'm having dinner with Sb's friends. It will be the first time I've seen them since November. I'm just going to eat and not answer any questions.

When they ask me "So are you and SB...?"

Me: Grhgerjwhd *stuff my face with ribs

Her: Hey, you've let your eyebrows go!

Me: hiuhihloihuhu. hu..hu.. *chews frantically

Her: Long time no see! Where've you been?

Me: Rarrrfrarrffrarrrff [Translation: I've been around]

Her or him: Well I'm glad you guys made it!

Me: Erk. *Chokes to death on bone and dies.

----- Later on in Heaven..

Me: Well thanks a lot God for getting me out of that awkward situation. Do you think you could've tried something a little less extreme? like a kitchen fire or a thunderstorm instead of my DEATH?

God: Well it got you out of any more questions didn't it?!

Me: True that. Amen#.

---

#This is a fictional story, I do not intend to die on Saturday night, especially not on a bone. If I die, it's going to be in the middle of a giant orgasm or in my sleep [or both] and I would probably not talk to God like that, because he might zap me for talking to him so disrespectfully. I am sure I will have fun. Um, if I don't have fun- I will eat. And eat. And eat.

Family hidden treasure [My great grandfather is mean]

So last night, it was once again the combined treat of mother's day and Sb's birthday. Every May I am ridiculously poor.

Anyway we were sitting around snarfling up angus beef [my treat. I am so. poor.] when the subject of ancestors came up, and my aunty started talking about her granddad aka my great-granddad and what he used to do in China. I was surprised to find he was a judge/bureaucrat of some sort and apparently the old man was rolling in the moolah, if you know what I'm saying [what? I'm not saying he was corrupt... the rich bureaucrat...]

Well there was a war on at the time and the whole family had to leave the compound [compound!] for a while but he didn't really think it was a good idea to take so much jewellery/gold bars/faberge eggs with them so he decided to hoard all the treasure together and bury them in a cement pole in the compound. When they left, he swore that he would tell his eldest daughter which pole he hid it in on his death bed.

The problem with this is, he DIDN'T tell his daughter [my now dead grandmother] he croaked before he could tell her [WHAT?!] and now there's a whole booty of jewels sitting in a pole in a village in China somewhere. Or feeding the family of the luckiest construction worker that ever lived. Who knows?*

*I don't mean to sound flip but actually I'm extremely anguished about this, I mean to torment my grandchildren with stories of hidden treasure . I would look at them thoughtfully and tell them "I've buried some jewellery......." pause meaningfully then die of a heart attack.

Talking with the ghost at work.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but there is a ghost in the lift at work. According to my fellow bartenders/waiters/hired help- he likes to randomly open the doors of the lift and turn the dishwasher on and off. One girl even described how 'eerie' the lift is.

According to work legend, an elderly man died in the theatre next door and from now, he chooses to haunt the lift.

"Err.. Why would you haunt a lift when you can haunt a theatre? In the theatre you can play with trapdoors/ remove people's wigs/ play with the lighting/eat popcorn"
She just looked at me solemnly "Because thats where he wants to be"

So anyway I didn't find him too scary, sometimes it was minorly irritating when the lift would "bing!" and you would look up and there would be no-one there.

The other thing I'm always conscious of, is that the lift is quite small so when I'm taking the bins down or the food trolley I'm always hoping that I'm not stepping IN him. According to the movies The Grudge and The Eye, ghosts like to stand in the back of lifts and make faces at you - I don't know if that's true but it keeps me from standing in the back of the lift.

So last night, I was stacking glassware when I heard the lift go "bing!" and I looked up and of course, there was no-one there, but the doors remained open. So I stood there and waited for it to close.

..
..
..

Apparently you shouldn't whistle at night time because its like speaking to the dead, well how else was I going to get the door closed.. I wasn't going to stand there all night waiting for it.

..

So I whistled. A jaunty little "woo-woo!"

..

"Bing!" The doors closed!

Am I amazing or what? I can communicate with ghosts!