Why its greased lightning!

Amongst other dances this year, I can now proudly say I can pelvic thrust like Danny Zuko. Also so can the other 500 people who also attended the Grease dance class, but that's neither here not there. I still can't ice skate though.


If you can spot me, I'll give you a hundred dollars!

Song of the Day

"Baby loves to dance in the dark
Cause when he's looking she falls apart,
Baby loves to dance, baby loves to dance in the dark."

-Dance in the Dark, Lady Gaga

My poor neighbours, I hope they like this song because this one is getting played extra loud and extra hard. If they don't like it, I don't know what they're going to do when GaGa finally releases the official video. Possible consideration of investment in ear muffs?

Why I am not going to have kids

So a couple of years ago [when I was still in a relationship in a galaxy far far away] I went to a psychic and he said that I would have two children.

Bring it forward to 2010 and I have to say .. he was really wrong. Like beyond wrong. Because over the past few months I have decided that I am not going to have kids.

It was 50/50.. then it was 75/25.. and then it went to a full blown 99.99999%. I'm about two minutes away from getting my tubes completely tied.


This was not a decision that I made particularly lightly. I discussed it with some girlfriends [some single, some not] and I was wholly surprised that all of them were like me and they were all undecided about having children. When did this mass indecision happen?

Anyway I have been thinking about it, and here are my reasons.

1. The world is completely overpopulated as it is.
Well really how much more is there to be said about this? The earth is straining at the seams already without me bringing in more. The way we're going, my hypothetical great grand children will most likely be living on a giant melting iceberg. I don't want my hypothetical great grand children to live on an iceberg. Or in 50 degree heat. Or under a totalitarian government [but that's another thing altogether I guess.] I digress for a little calculation. A person in one lifetime in a western country eats approximately 16,000 eggs. Let's say I have one kid and she has two kids and they have two kids each. Not even counting spouses - that's 112,000 eggs. And I don't even want to think about water, paper, wastage, carbon emissions. Did I mention the world is straining at the seams?

2. The reality is: I don't know if I have it in me to be a good parent.
In my head, I'm a great parent. I tell bedtime stories, I take my hypothetical children to museums to be cultured. I'm wise. I'm patient. I'm understanding without being overprotective. I'm able to coax them into eating green vegetables with my infallible logic. But let's come back to reality shall we? These things are all well and good in my head, but uhhh.. can I be wise and patient for eighteen years straight- through illness, sleep deprivation, shopping centre tantrums and the like? I don't think I can. I have enough trouble paying attention to what I'm cooking on the stove without being distracted by something shiny on the tv and wandering off. A kid is not a toy, it's so easy to cause irreparable damage with bad parenting. So I'd rather just not.

3. I worry. I can't wrap my head around worrying about another human being 247 for the next 40 years [or however long I live for].
Here are the things I worry about for my neverborn hypothetical child: being born deformed, being born diseased, turning out autistic, having developmental problems, not getting into childcare, not having the right education, ending up with my health problems, being bullied, not eating right, getting run over by a car, drowning in a pool, falling off of balconies, being kidnapped, being sexually abused, turning out to be a cutter, turning out to be a sociopath, cancer, and general turfing out of children into the world. And the kid doesn't even exist. I don't think I can do 40 years of worrying, I don't even think I can do five years of worrying because my head will haemorrage and then this theoretical non-kid will be an orphan and that's another set of concerns altogether.

4. This also goes for 20 years worth of dishwashing/cleaning/picking up toys

5. I don't think I need a child to be fulfilled.
Some people need children to complete their lives. And who denies that kids can be bundles and or sources of complete joy? But I think I'm just as happy with a book and a pork roll. Different strokes for different folks.

6. I'm very lucky my mum respects my decisions.
Otherwise I figure this would be a lot harder than it is. Also I think she's taken Minnie as her makeshift grandchild anyway.

Never say never. Life never goes the way you expect it to. But I'm decided. Who knew it would have come to this? Obviously that psychic didn't.

An offer

And then another offer comes in:

V: U loved up?
M: I'm much happier. Definitely not loved up.
V: Glad u happier at work? Don't you miss sex?
M: Haha. You're getting more direct. Yes I miss it a lot.
V: U should be getting hot oil slides. I want yr lips x
M: And that was less direct. What are you offering V?
V: Bring me a bow of burning gold. Bring me arrows of desire. Bring me spears of cloud unfold. Bring me chariots of desire.
M: I have none of those things and I can neither swim rivers or climb mountains.
V: Can I come over, light candles, play music, drink wine & give u a slow all over oil massage?

I haven't answered him and I sit here pondering this in my pyjamas, peeling dirty potatoes, playing Justin Bieber on my winamp and I have never felt less sexy in my entire life. What's stopping me exactly? [besides the handfuls of tubers]. What am I waiting for? Who am I waiting around for?

Sigh. Maybe next time.

The short history of kissing

"There have been five great kisses since 1642 B.C., since when Saul and Delilah Korn's inadvertent discovery swept across Western civilisation. (Before then couples hooked thumbs.) And the precise rating of kisses is a terribly difficult thing, often leading to great controversy, because although everyone agrees with the formula of affection times puirty times intensity times duration, no one has ever been completely satisfied with how much weight each element should receive. But on any system, there are five that everyone agrees deserve full marks."

-The Princess Bride, William Goldman.

I am love love loving this book!

My neighbours are loud.

So a couple of months ago whenever I was at home on a Saturday night, I would hear my neighbours playing the ukelele. loud. I don't know how you make a ukelele loud, I figure you hook it up to an amp or something.

Well now there's no longer a ukelele for my Saturdays. Just the screams of my next door neighbour getting it on, Japanese porn star style.

I think I preferred the ukelele.

Things that make life worth living

Walking through a dappled wood in the sunshine to get to a..

Eggs Benedict Roll with extra butter and extra aioli!

I really am quite happy to do this every morning.

Into the rabbits fur we go

"And hey, There's nothing else I can say!"
-Eh eh Lady Gaga

And now that life is good and I'm reasonably content- I have nothing to say. That's probably not such a great thing for this blog. It's going to get real boring, real quick in here.

Also I [for once] don't want to analyse it. I don't want to look at it in the mouth and pull it apart. Because why not just enjoy it right? Two cheers for complacency. Maybe I'm growing up out of my teenagery angst finally. You know, fifteen years later.

There's this great analogy in Sophie's world about how all people are born on the tip of the fur of a giant rabbit. And as we get older, we get more and more comfortable and so we slide deeper and deeper into the fur, we don't ask why we're sitting on a giant rabbit.

Of course the book makes it sound like that gradual descent is something you shouldn't do. You should always question the universe and why it works that way and why it revolves in that manner. Of course what the book doesn't address how this applies to normal people. And I'll tell you what- asking God, Allah and Buddha what everything means constantly is fcking exhausting.

It also probably means that I have way too much spare time, natch.

And without meaning to- I just pulled apart why I'm no longer pulling things apart. I think that's my cue to give it a rest.

Anyway I'm happy. That's all I was meaning to say. And also that my new boss looks exactly like Liev Schreiber. I vacillate between trying not to call him either Liev, Sir or Cotton Weary I'll let you know what happens if one day I happen to slip up.

Moustaches, stethoscopes and trenches

And when we cosplay, we cosplay hard!

--

So during the festivities, we snuck out for a shots crawl [why does that feel so sneaky anyway?]. We're standing there at the bar and when I look up, guess who I see? No really, guess who I see? R6. WTH.

You know I should really be better prepared for these things. So I square my shoulders [as square as they will go!] and go up and tap him on the shoulder.

I really really wasn't prepared, did I just say that?

Mush: Hello!
R6: oh, hello!
Mush: ...
R6: .......
Mush: .............
[You know in the movies when people stare at each other, violins go off in the background and it's conducive to something. In real life when people stare at each other, it's just stupid and awkward.]
Mush: [wrinkles nose]. uhhh.. well I'm going to back and talk to my friends. Bye!

Apparently that bar is where conversational skills go to die.

And then DS shows me later how its done [in another bar, natch].

Mush: [whispers] she's cute. Go. go. go.

DS: Hullo, my name is DS. What's your name?
Barmaid Jenny: My name is Jenny
DS: Oh really, what time do you finish?
Barmaid Jenny: I finish in a couple of hours, almost done!
DS: What are you doing after that?
Barmaid Jenny: I'm going to karaoke!
DS: How about that? So are we, we'll be in Greenbox Plus. Room 32.
Mush: ...Room 33.
DS: Room 33. So come around afterwards and join us!
Barmaid Jenny: Sure!

As we get outside.
Mush: That was terrible! You suck!

Answers

I really have been seeing a lot of these lately. I'm going to take it as a sign that Sydney is just. way. too. wet.

So this week really feels like the denouement of a lot of things. I knew it was going to be trying but I got all my answers and resolutions

- Where I stand with R6 [I think the official title is: friends that just make out occasionally]
- Where I stand with my Dad [better, a little closer.]
-The end of my time here at this wretched company and hopefully the end of my association with e-commerce
-And lastly, to finally say goodbye to my Aunty May.

And once I knew. And once all of it was over. I felt, or rather I feel 100 pounds lighter. I am clearly not a creature who thrives on uncertainty.

I think I will be back to my old chipper self next week, happy as a clam and prepared for new adventures. It's a big world out there. Lots of rainbows to chase.

An email proposal

Mush: Hello --- company, Mush speaking.
Ass: Hello this is John, I'm calling on behalf of Empowered Direct, I'd like to talk to your marketing manager.
Mush: Sorry, what is this regarding?
Ass: It's about forming a collaboration via email marketing [takes on a tone which implies I neither know what email or marketing is.]
Mush: [very coolly] we already have an email marketing company, thanks very much.
Ass: Put me through to your marketing manager.
Mush: I. am. the. marketing. manager.
Ass: Oh. I'm sorry. [starts backtracking through the forest..] as I was saying.. we're an email marketing company.. and your competitors have used us in the past...
Mush: In the past.
Ass: And we've done very good for them.
Mush: Uh huh.
Ass: I understand what you were trying to saying before, but I have a proposal..
Mush: Right. Sure, shoot me through an email
[Good luck with that, I hope your proposal likes sitting in spam!]

Four seasons in one hour

It was sadness, defiance, anger and then finally acceptance. And now I'm exhausted. I never want to do that again.

**Sorry I must have made your feeds go loco again

You are a gay man.

At the coffee shop at 2 in the morning, they played the songs over the stereo in this order
Beyonce- Naughty Girl
Kylie- Wow
Janet- That's the Way Love Goes.

Mush: Hey! This is my playlist exactly! That's amazing. *starts singing along to Janet
Dylmah: You are a gay man.

Coconat: No, you're everything a gay man aspires to be.
Mush: Say what now?
Coconat: It's not a bad thing. You're an epitome.
Mush: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Innate Charisma

So one of the questions that keeps my hamster running on its wheels lately is charisma. Mainly that some people got it and some people don't. It's not really an easily attainable quality, and you know I could always do with some [I really am about as dapper as jar of cold cream sometimes]

So how do you get it? Well of course, Google has the answer.. why wouldn't it? Apparently the answer to achieving charisma and likeability is mirroring.

Mirroring. Really? It's that simple?

So I thought I would do a private test -when I went to the interview with my new boss, I followed his body language, when he sat back, I sat back. And then when he moved forward, I moved forward. And I didn't break eye contact once. I think he might've thought I had blinking issues Elmo-style.

And when the second interview came in with the CEO, I did the same thing- backwards.. forwards.. similar hand gestures. Sometime during the conversation she said "Oh John [new boss] likes you very much and so do I!"

Hey! It worked! [We are chalking this up to this mirroring thing and not you know.. my answers to her questions]

But I really didn't think that that was the secret to charisma and likeability. There had to be something else to it.

So I asked Betty. Betty is .. built of charisma and fabulousness. That stuff just leaks from her pores.

Mush: Betty, do you think you have charisma?
Betty: No.
Mush: Er? Ok.

How do I argue with something like that? Well that put a nice end to that conversation but I wasn't finished.

And so on Friday at Coconats Celebration, I was sitting around shooting the breeze with S-Dawg when a waitress came to our table. Immediately, HG [who I hadn't seen for a while] turned around and gave her his full attention. You could just see his charisma start to spike like on one of those EKG charty things, it was seriously something incredible to watch. I didn't even know how he was doing it. He just was.

How depressing to know that there's actually no recipe for it.

So I cornered him later and asked him about it.
Mush: You know you're incredibly charming right? Whats your secret?
HG: Haha! There is no secret.
Mush: Sure, there is. There has to be. Like with the waitress.. how the heck did you do that? And there is no way that was mimickry- because there was no mimickry there. But I think I might imitate you now just to opt some likeability.
[Shifts legs, arms, hands]
HG: You know now I actually feel more comfortable with you, haha! I think it's just smiling and eye contact. And you know I just say what comes naturally.
Mush: ... That's it? Do you know when you're doing it?
HG: Well when I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror.. I don't get up and think of myself as charming. That's just weird. And you know sometimes its just about making a connection...

And so the question and the answer come up as inconclusive. What makes some people more likeable than others? Is it a relability thing?? That can't possibly be it.

What happens in a bathroom stays in a bathroom

X whispers in my ear. " Come with me to the bathroom" and like a good friend I comply. I always assume bathroom accompaniment actually means accompaniment. Apparently I am also hopelessly naive.

Once we get to the bathroom he backs me up against the wall.

X: You are driving me crazy. I want you bad.
Mush: Hey.. what? say what? How come? what?
X: I've wanted you for such a long time
Mush: No, you haven't! You. are. drunk.
X: Yes I have
And he leans in closer and he is radiating heat and I am getting dizzy. My hormones are yelling things at me. I have to take control.
Mush: [pushes him slightly away] you have never ever shown the slightest interest in me. Not since we have known each other. I don't believe you for even a second. So.
X: [gestures towards the cubicle.] If I get you in there, this is what I'm going to do to you ..
[.. mentions all these things that make me blush.]
Mush: Oh boy. Uhm. Don't do this to me. I haven't had sex in a year. I have no willpower.
X: [smiles]
Mush: Ethics! Morals! What about eX-girlfriend??
X: I never cared about her. I don't care about her.
Mush: [oh fuck, friendships will be ruined if this goes ahead. No. no. no. This is something that can never ever be taken back. I'm going to do the right thing. My vagina is booing me.] Uhm.

Two friends bust in

Two friends: Well hello! Are we interrupting something?!
Mush: No. Not at all. X was just going to go to the bathroom.

Big Bang Big Boom

Give the guy and his team some major props. Wow.

Goodbye.

And when she finally passes and you get that phone call, you'll be doing something as mundane as making a hedgehog slice. Death sits among the ordinary.

I know you're in a better place.

What does this look like to you?

It occurred to me today that I did approximately 7000 university degrees to come out and be photoshopping soap dispensers.

And then I actually looked at the soap dispenser. I was wondering if it was ending up looking like something it wasn't actually supposed to be looking like.

Am I crazy? Is this looking like a piece of male-oriented anatomy to you? Or am I just so starved that my brain is inventing things [..out of soap dispensers]

Well .. I guess it will be one of my last gifts to this company. What a gift.

[It's not quite finished. I'm going to have do some tweaking. Yeah I said tweaking and not playing- get your minds out of the gutter!]

Dr Seuss Converses

"I want it now!"- Veruca Salt.

Now. now. now. I will not eat or sleep until someone delivers me a pair of Dr Seuss Converses! Oh shoes, love of my life, bane of my existence -why torment me like this for?!

Egging each other on to find ever more obscure qualities

Mush: blah blah blah stanzas of the Raven.. blah blah I'm so turned on by it
Mexicana: Sigh, where am I gonna find one?
Mush: What? You want to find one too. I don't know where to find one. Maybe an Edgar Allan Poe Society?
Mexicana: Yeah but then it'll just be nerdy.
Mush: I do love my nerds.. well what do you want exactly?
Mexicana: Someone who does hip examinations
Mush: oO" That's it? Lady, I can do hip examinations.
Mexicana: hahahaha no, a professional one.
Mush: A professional hip examiner. Rightio.

Celebratory Photo

Guess what we're celebrating? Guess! Guess! I'll make an official blog post once I sign the contract! Yeah! [I'm missing the blonde presence of Campbell btw. Sadness.]

--

As we were raising our glasses I asked MD to recite 'The Raven' as a toast. She can really recite it by rote! I was in awe.
Mush: Oh my God, I have to add that to my criterion for men.
Coconat: Besides the gutter push ups??
MD: And the New York Times Crossword??
Ms Smith: You're not picky at all!
Mush: Yes. They have to be able to recite two stanzas of it. And I think I'm in love with you right now.. MD will you marry me?

Yes.

Thank you Universe.

Random musings #27

Here's what I believe:

I believe that everyone has a destiny. Let's refer to that destiny as Point B.

I believe that we have many many choices in life, we can take paths A1, A2, A3 all the way up to AInfinity but that they will all eventually lead us to Point B.

So run all you like, go zigzaggy, loop de loop, try and make your way backwards.. but you will reach Point B.

Why then do I feel like I'm standing at a precipice with my eyes closed? It's like the universe is about to drop me.