Solitude/There's just no way

Solitude.

It's a Saturday night and I'm sitting here blogging. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm learning to enjoy my own company. I think this is a far leap from last year where I would've tripped over my own grandmother to go out dancing and get drunk. I just don't feel the need to get out there and do that anymore. Of course the difference is liability and choice. I now choose to stay home and this decision has nothing to do with anyone else. See? I'm getting my shit together. It's a nice feeling.

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There's just no way.

So I had coffee with a senior co-worker about a month back. He was clearly more impressed with me than I was with him. Don't get me wrong- he was a nice guy and we made small talk that didn't make me want to drive off a cliff [which I wager is not the most difficult thing to do]. But as I was talking to him I got some really odd vibes and a couple of paragraphs in- I put my finger on what was bothering me. He had the biggest case of yellow fever I had ever seen.

.	yellow fever
	1. A term usually applied to white males who have a clear sexual preference for women of asian descent, although it can also be used in reference to white females who prefer asian men.

All his friends were Asian. His best friend was Shanghainese. His favourite food was Japanese. He had just come back from Beijing and was about to head off back to Hong Kong or something.

So maybe I was being too judgmental, so I decided to talk to it with my friend who knew him a little better than I did- being his direct underling.
Me: "Hey dude, this guy.... is he a bit... fond of the geisha?"
Friend: "HAHAHA. Totally. He loves his Asian women. If he sees a pretty one- it's like a direct target."

Erk.

Well, if I wasn't turned off before, I was giving him a wide berth now. The smses kept coming and I kept putting them off for another day, hoping he'd eventually just get it and never ask me for anything ever again. I'm busy. I'm going to the dentist. I'm working. I have to get a new bumper [I really did actually- that wasn't a lie]

So anyway I was in the workroom cafeteria and my friend Coffeebrother was giving me massage [and he does good massage] when theguywiththefever walks past and gives me daggers. Well they looked like daggers! Whatever, I'm getting back to the massage.

About an hour later, I'm walking through the casino when he stops me and says "I was going to sit with you at lunch, but you 'looked busy' *finger quotes".
At this point my eyebrows just about lifted off my head. What.
He continues "New man huh? new boyfriend?"
I look at him like the weirdo that he is and say "He's my co-worker"
You can then see his whole body relax and he smiles "Thats good, I have some stories to tell you later"
Whoaaaaaa, buddy. I went for one coffee with you- possessive much?!

It irritated me but I didn't think about it too much. Until I bumped into him in the cafeteria again and he said [in this most condescending voice] "So do you want to sit with me or do you want to go and sit with your little buddies?"
At that point I should've dumped my tray over his head and no-one would have blamed me. Little buddies indeed. I walk off to get some food and he comes and says to me more meekly "Want to hang out?" [It still wasn't as fricking apologetic as I would have liked]

Whatever right? His break only goes for ten minutes- I will only have to talk to him for ten minutes. So he's talking and I'm still seething on the little buddies comment, looking desperately for these little buddies to come rescue me. Huh, they're turning around and snickering- I don't think they're going to come get me. So I'm pulling Bambi eyes at them and picking morosely at the food.
"You're not eating"
"Yeah this tastes terrible [and also you're putting me off my food]"
More small talk.
"You seem distracted today"
"Oh really? [it may be me trying to mentally teleport myself across the room]"
"Well I gotta go.."
"Really?... "
"By-..." He was cut off midway by me flinging myself bodily first across the cafeteria in a nice imitation of a suicidal possum

Blah. Hope he finally got the message. And also hope he finds someone he can talk condescendingly to who doesn't mind. I definitely mind.

--

I was whining about these episodes to my friend Campbell and she cut me off and said "yellow fever? what the heck is yellow fever?"
Me: Someone wanting to date me because I'm yellow
Campbell: You're not yellow!
Me: I am a little bit!
Campbell: Thats a terrible thing to say.. you're more olive.
Me:........................................... Can we get back to the original point please?

Somewhere to make us happy

So Minnie and I are looking for a new suburb to live in- and we thought we'd take a walk around Cremorne

and after walking around for a bit, I think we both thought.. how can anyone not want to live here??

That view is just never overrated. Sun went behind a cloud for a second as I was taking this.

I own the cutest dog in the world. I defy you to disagree with me.

Pretty right? Its all dappled and shadowy. The right amount of summery and spooky.

And when you walk just a bit further there are benches where you can sit down and read. . if I lived here, I'd be on that bench sixteen out of twenty four hours a day [the other eight would be for sleeping and showering]

Sigh, how can you be unhappy living somewhere like that? [Okok I understand that material possessions count for nothing and there are people right now living in those apartments who are being subject to the same nitpicks and worries that us ordinary podunks do and having a nice flat doesn't necessarily make them happier than the rest of us .... annnnd.. I don't care. I want to live in that apartment.]

Yes I do. There's a grandma in the background watching me mopey camwhore. She probably wants me to turn off the flash.

Lets discuss this like adults. Me to you. Human to dog

No, I really value your opinion!

Okay! Looks like we've decided where we're going! Cremorne here we come!

Cupcakes make me happy

I just got this today in the mail for my birthday. It makes me happy.

That book just blew my mind!

As my housemate Mystic Meg was leaving, she dropped me off "He's just not that into you" with the strict instructions to read it. Read it. Read it.

Meh, I looked at the cover and I thought what the hell right? I'll just skim through it and then go back to reading something more.. substantial.

That book took my brain and exploded it into tiny tiny pieces [in a good way]

Look, I'm no mensa genius but I'm hardly Forrest Gump either but it took concrete black and white text to drive the message right home.

If the guy doesn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy makes excuses about why he didn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy doesn't want to hang out with you- [etc etc]

If the guy makes excuses not to hang out with you [etc!]

Here is the bottom line: Guys are not that complicated- if they really want to call you/text you/hang out with you- they will make the time and the effort to do so. If they don't want to do any of those things, they won't- you're the fool for waiting around and excusing it and he's the asshole.

Yesterday I begged someone to stay with me [hooray for dignity!], I was barefoot and in tears and yet he still drove off. And as I dragged my bedraggled ass home, I wondered how I got myself into that situation. What happened to my feminist instincts and why was I in that situation?

Today, now that I've read the book- I realise that all the aborted phone calls, the refusal to stay, the unreplied smses all lead to one basic conclusion [deep breath]: Ta-dah! He's just not that into you!

Apparently I needed it to be spelt out to me like a first grader. At least, it was spelt out.

And I feel much much lighter- much much happier and much readier to get on with my life.

I never thought I'd say this but girls, please go run out and get this book

Standing up

Kowakunai keredo
[I am not afraid]

You don't have to accept everything that happens.

Emotionally Done

So for those of you who read this blog [or talk to me. ever] will know that I haven't had the best week for my entire life. Well ok some of it was good in bits [Thanks Banana!] and some of it was ultra sonically crappy [Thanks Sb. Bang up job there].

Well the negative this week overrode the positive, so here I am on a Saturday night feeling like I've been dragged backwards through a hedge. Absolutely. exhausted.

So here we are, the ultimate party girl has two choices. She can a) join her friends in the city for a 3d horror movie then afterwards go crazy on a dancefloor or b) join her other friend at SoCo cargo [www.Sococargo.com.au] and flail the night away in a giant shipping container.

Annnnnd... there is a third choice, take my tired aching brain under the duvet and stay there til morning.

Fortunately for my friends, I am going to take the third option. I can honestly think of nothing worse than to top it off with ruining their night. Hibernation seems like the best thing to do.

While I've been sitting here, I:

1) switched on my Xmas present dvd and realised the entire series was in a foreign language. Thus rendering me unable to lie there unmovable watching glamorous people backstab each other for forty eight hours. Fuck. Well I could but theres a good chance I'm not going to know what the holy frick is going on.

2) heard an ice cream truck drive by my house about ten times. Back and forward. Back and forward. At first.. it was cute and made me want ice cream. The other nine times... dude, it's raining. I'm on a suburban street covered in townhouses. Who's going to let their kids out to buy sweets?? Give it up, I'm begging you.


Ok. Going to bed. Hope next week is better.

The Resilience of Stars

So yesterday I mentioned how I [by reason of not very temporary insanity] threw my mementos into a fire. This included an entire jar of origami stars.

Now to me, origami stars are very sentimental and when I'm folding them I only think of good thoughts and best wishes towards the person I'm giving to. They are miniature dollops of love in a jar and to fill up a jar .. well it means I love you very much.

So when I threw these stars into the frying pan [pot], I had to sit down and stop for a bit because it was making me so overwhelmingly sad*. And logically my brain was saying that it was ridiculous to feel sad about folded paper when other people in the world are having their eyeballs scooped out, but it all just felt like a giant waste.

Anyway so I dumped the ashes and filled the pot with water and left it in the sink overnight.

When I came back this afternoon not looking forward to an hour of scrubbing [the drawbacks of home bonfires] I poured the water out and a few surviving stars swam into my sink. I ignored them thinking they were going to slide down the drain. Fifteen minutes later, they were still sitting in my sink despite the constant strain of tap water pushing them to wherever leftover food goes to die.

That was enough, I scooped them up.

I don't know if it's the paper or my kick ass origami skills [or even love! keeping them alive!] but these seven stars have survived a fire, an all night soaking and then my kitchen sick. And they are all intact, singed- slightly soggy but intact.

I know sometimes I often give excess meaning to inanimate objects.. admittedly I anthromorphisise everything.. but I am taking this as some sort of sign. To not give up. To take whatever life throws at you and come out the other end slightly burnt but ok.
I will give these stars to someone I love and explain to them why these particular stars mean so much to me and hope that they understand [everything not just the arson bit]. Right now, they're sitting in a bowl next to my monitor drying out.

*Ironically, if I had cried tears it would probably have put out the fire thus saving the stars much pain

All Gone

I stood there today and over a flame I burned photos, letters, mementos. Dizzy with rage, I watched all the empty promises and lies disintegrate into puffs of smoke. In the end, all I was left with was a pot full of ashes.

History wiped clean.

8:19

Ok, not so clean. Who the fuck knew there I had so many fricking photoes lying around?? Everytime I turn around theres another one on a wall or under a table. I can't very well start a fire everytime I see one right? And throwing it in the garbage doesn't really have the same effect. So at the moment my house is full of overturned and empty frames. Have you ever seen a charred origami star before? Its the saddest sight when you pick one up and it crumbles in your hands.

Sad summer days

I haven't seen DarkAngel for over a year since he broke up with Mexicana, but I had to go to his place to pick up his guitar for my party.

So I turned up and he still looked the same, I tentatively asked him how he had been and he said that he hadn't been having a very good year.

So we would stood on his porch and talked and I was surprised by this sudden sense of loss.

The four of us Mexicana, DarkAngel, SB and I would never go back to those days- bright summer days of so many possibilities. We no longer have the comfort of those dinners and that company. Each of us having gone our own separate ways. The loss of that kind of easiness.

I remember the petty fights and the irritations, angry partners stalking off and stony silences, the inability of any of us to pick some place to eat. But after all that, there was the laughter- the laughter was almost at a constant level and when it stopped we made our own, we told jokes, we danced in the street, we amused ourselves any way we could.


And so I felt a little more than a twinge as I left, it was an extremely pretty day and I couldn't think of anyone I really wanted to share it with. I called SB but he didn't pick up.
"You're crazy Mush" and I slapped myself upside the head.

"Crazy notions of past happinesses are interfering with your ability to drive! So you have to sack up and wipe your eyes because you're swerving! Crossing! the! line! Eeeeek!"

I was happy to get home and just be miserable on my couch without endangering any pedestrian lives. It really was a pretty day.

25 Random Things

1. I can't draw straight lines which is why I almost failed technical drawing in high school [almost!]

2. I like wearing really bright colours, so on a day when you catch me wearing black- it's a really good idea to steer clear.

3. I like driving people home.

4. I can't click my fingers and make a clicking noise. It makes a dull whoosh sound instead. I must have flat fingers because it makes people laugh when I try.

5. I want to drive across Russia. I haven't found anybody to support the idea yet because they're too busy worrying I'll be kidnapped by [Russian] bandits. Or eaten by wolves.

6. I think four years of catholic school actually did me some good ethically.

7. I have a really good head for useless trivia- I think I would be good on the show "The Rich List"

8. The first time I ever snuck into a pub was when I was seventeen. It was the Orient at the Rocks- I've never been back inside since.

9. If I had Paris Hilton's money, I would also probably buy close to the same amount of clothing. I would not however buy seven chiuhuahuas.

10. I had a nose piercing and have a tattoo because people told me not to. I would probably jump off a cliff if you told me not to.

11. My supervisor once said I act like a robot. It didn't make me serve customers any less robotically.

12. I breathe a sigh of relief when my friends tell me they read they read this blog .. which leads to..

13. I think my blog should be more famous than it is [ha!]

14. I can recite the dialogue between Jack and Rose of the Titanic right before he floats off and dies

15. I am scared of hairballs, cockroaches and the dark.

16. I think my dog is a feminist because I am a feminist.

17. I think that there is more to deja vu than just a brain spasm.

18. One of my goals was to sit on the Wheel of Fortune wheel and spin around. In my heart of hearts I don't ever think it will ever really happen.

19. On my break at work, I like to go to the harbour and stare at the fishes and jellyfish. You will often find me with my shoes off on the edge of the wharf.. which leads to..

20. I often worry about dropping my shoes in the water and having to explain to my supervisor why I have no shoes

21. If I correct your grammar it's only because I care!

22. I never ate pork buns again after watching that movie on the killer who turned people into buns and sold them in his restaurant. I was eleven. It was my fault for watching it when I knew I wasn't supposed to.

23. My new favourite song is Paper Planes by MIA. I turn it up really loudly in the car and it was always freaks out whoevers driving next to me [especially old people!]

24. Cucumber soju always makes me really drunk and always has disastrous consequences.

25. This list was already produced on facebook. I'm sorry if you're doing a re-read. I will post some pictures of my birthday tomorrow.