These games we play

[And how I fucking don't want to play them anymore]

Post deleted from too much blood spilled.

You know who you are, you fuckheads.

Past lives.

I saw Alphabeta today. That's a person I really haven't thought about for a long time. She was coming down the stairs with her sister and she looked beautiful- very professional. She went into the store and picked up her little boy and kissed him.

I was going to say hello but I didn't want to interrupt. I've been getting twinges of past lives all day.

Holiday Dreams

So I've been made redundant a month into my new job. Thanks Global economic recession!

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be.

I had a dream... that I would take a vacation to here.



And sit on the beach and read a book.

Or here. Where I would sit in a cafe and just people watch. [God, I miss that place so much my bones ache from it]



Anyway I thought it would be a good time before I threw myself back into house hunting and job hunting.

It was not to be so. Vague notions of palm trees were making me dizzy.

Ring ring.
Hello?
Hey Mush, can you please work on the public holiday?
What. Sure. What.

Afterwards Dylmah turns up on msn and demands that I take that day off.
What why?
It's the day after my birthday! Tell your supe you can't work! I've bagsed that day!
What. Sure. What.


The cocktails and books were starting to disperse before my eyes.


And then I mention to Campbell that I'm thinking about disappearing and her words were "Just wait til I've finished uni"
And this is where I start to get the shits.
What.
"We can play when I finish uni"

I can no longer see anything next week but Twilight essays, serving coffee to shitty customers and dragging drunk boy home on two hours of sleep.

And then my mum calls.

Ring ring.
Hullo?
Hullo.
We've started an account for you to buy a house, so we're saving for you and we hope that you're saving too.
[Fuck. The guilt, it is killing me!]
Ok mum, I'll be more careful with my money.
Don't forget your stepdad's birthday next week!

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. And poof. Just like that it's all gone. A mirage of myself on a blanket at St Kilda beach.

Monday mayhem

Its too big/
Its too wide/
Its too strong/
It won’t fit...


Ego- Beyonce

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OK Beyonce. I guess it would be kinda crude to call the song "Penis."

_ _ _




I was a bit of a sucker for advertising and I went bought myself a tube of Garnier Nutritionist. From what I could tell from the advertisement was that it was a bit of a miracle eye cream that contains caffeine so it is supposed to immediately perk your eyes up and I'm a bit exhausted [and looking it!] lately so I thought it would be the perfect product.

I put it on before work yesterday and I didn't really notice it. I thought I would feel a tightening but there was nothing. Until I looked in the mirror in the afternoon and to my horror, the line under my eye [which is usually only small and tiny] was stretched right across.


[Sorry no photos]

I shrieked and ran back up the stairs, burst into the kitchen and yelled "CHRISSY! CHRISSY! OHMYGOD! MY EYE!"
Chrissy looks at me and says "Whats wrong with it?" She steps back and says "Why the heck are your eyes so puffy?"
"I used this cream! The caffeine cream! And now I have crows feet and I'm twenty six!"
"That caffeine cream!? I was going to get some.. errrr.. maybe not."

The next morning I was hanging out with Campbell and there was no line [well it had gone back to being tiny] and I picked up the tube and I thought about it.

What if it was a fluke?
Maybe the cream had nothing to do with my miraculous wrinkles at all?
Then wouldn't it be a waste of a tube?

Second times the charm right?

So I applied it very slightly under my eyes and Campbell turned to talk to me and mouthed "Holy. Fuck." and I said "What?"

"Chicks.... you look like you've been punched in the eyes"

"Whaaaaaaaaat?"

And it was true, The underlid of my eyes has swollen up and it looked like I had stuffed little cushions under there.

Campbell stared at me and started to laugh "wahahahaha... pandaface!"

"It's not funny! I'm not touching that tube anymore! its cursed! You can have it!"

She grinned at me "I don't have any lines."

----


They fired Lucifer today. Wherever he is, I hope he gets help.

Not by any means a domestic goddess #49849584

It's been raining here heavily for the last five days and because I don't have a dryer means I have loads and loads of laundry. And loads and loads of laundry on a rainy day equals Mush stuck on a Friday night [domestic goddess style] ironing every single fricking sock, towel and hoodie dry.

Two loads took me three hours. I got so frustrated with trying to iron bedsheets that I gave up and stuffed all the sheets back in the machine. Ha.

In the beginning it was fine. I stuck an old dvd on and watched as I worked.

Here's a tip- when ironing pick an average dvd. Don't pick something fantastically good or something astonishingly bad. I in my infinite wisdom picked something so dumb.. you know what? I've seen a lot of dumb movies but this one takes the cake.

I grabbed a collection of Johnnie To dvds from my mum. For those who don't know Johnnie To is like the Jerry Bruckheimer of the Hong Kong film industry. So really I shouldn't have been expecting anything .. smart.

The story is set in the near future Hong Kong and the world has been devastated by nuclear fallout. Mr Kim. [a man with a scarred face] has polluted the water with um.. radiation and now controls the water supply and uses this to try and control Hong Kong with a convoluted plot to try and get everybody to uprise against the president. Did you get that? He controls the water and pretty much everything but he still wants the title. Hows that for an ego fuck? Why not try withholding the water completely so that everyone has to kiss your ass? Why not press for a democratic election and ask the people if they want to vote for the guy with the water or the guy without the water? My bet is they'd vote for him and not the bald useless president.

ANYWAY. It stars the beautiful Maggie Cheung, Anita Mui, and Michelle Yeoh. They are the Charlies Angels of post apocalyptic Hong Kong. Right. For some reason, Maggie's character is supposed to be a rough bandit so for characterisation they have her swearing every second word. You really haven't had an acid trip until you see Maggie Cheung curse like a pirate.

And they've subtitled it badly so the swearing comes off as "I wish I had a son that had no asshole!" or alternately "I'm a jerk! Why can't I go to hell?!"
It takes away from the plot a little. Just a tiny inch.

It's up to our fortitous trio [and this hella fucking annoying kid. By the way can't Hong Kong pick better child actors?? Is it just me or does the stupid kid always run away when they're not supposed to and then gets someone killed?! I digress] to stop Mr Kim.

To show you how little Johnnie To actually cared about this movie.. Watch how many times Anita's outfit changes in the final battle scenes. It's pants. It's a miniskirt. It's pants. The video editor must've been asleep at the wheel.

Look at Maggie! a paragon of grace in a crotch shot. By the way I didn't even know the villain was Anthony Wong until I wiki-ed it.

It's the type of movie where the villain actually laughs when he thinks he's accomplished something. "Muhahahahah!" and then twists his moustache. It's also the type of movie where people drink rats for nutrition and five year old girls who've never seen water can swim underwater for two kilometres. It's that type of movie.

So at the end, there is one of the most bizarre fight scenes I've ever seen where everyone just rips each other apart [no, seriously everyone's an amputee and they keep fighting!] and I drop my iron.

Ohfuck.Ohshit.Ohfuck. The iron has burnt an iron shaped shape in my carpet!

I leap onto it and spray it like crazy but it's too late. Another stain I have to hide from the agent. [that orange juice stain is not coming out either. Eek.]

I blame that shite movie! And it's crappy explosions!

Or maybe you know, I'm just not the type of person who is supposed to reserve her friday nights for laundry.

None of this would've happened if I had just gone out!

Yelling

I am still not used to a workplace where everybody looks like they are yelling at each other but are actually not.

[Aveda tells me that they are actually are.. but it's kind of whooshed right over my head]

This morning, the yelling is of a higher pitch. It's like being in the middle of a chinese football field.

Star Trek Revisited

Well Kirk, your forehead is as big as I remembered it- so it wasn't the alcohol.

And.... HOLY MAMA! Something else is also big which I didn't recall during the movie! I don't remember seeing that!

Of relationships old, new and closing

In my new job, I've made a new friend called Aveda. Well technically, she's my marketing manager and she's the person I go to when I hate photoshop/gradients/brochures/life. Every morning I say that I'm hungry and she feeds me. I ate a good third of her breakfast [vegetarian dumplings.. mmm..] this morning and she hasn't poked me in the eye yet! I love people who give me food. The thing that I noticed about her is that [and this sounds weird] .. she helps me up. a lot.
When I'm getting out of the car, when I'm kneeling next to her desk- she'll cup her hand around her elbow and help me to stand. I've never had anyone do this for me before! Besides of course when I'm drunk/skating/ or skiing. I don't know why she does it, it could be because she thinks I'm a giant galumphous who'll fall on her or maybe she's just naturally really really nice. I prefer to think that it's because she's really really nice.

And also, this which has nothing to do with anything, she's really good looking- and naturally good looking. No help at all from make up or anything else. And her hair just falls in pretty waves and so every morning when she comes in with her coffee- I hate her just a little bit but then she says hi and is all smiley and I don't hate her anymore. I wonder when I'll get over it. I haven't seen her have a bad hair day in over a month. Some people have all the luck.

[Ok, I'm just feeling resentful because my hair is black and short and I look like this
Without the green eyes obviously. No contacts. Stupid hairdresser. I don't hate Aveda. I love her. I'm just jealous because the chances of her ending up with a buttercup bowlcut is minimal to none.]

So I had dinner with Lighto tonight, the first one in seriously over a year and a half. How odd to be sitting across from the guy and have talked to him for a good hour and think "I don't know the boy!". On the surface he is still the same, he's goofy and funny and easy to talk to but after talking to him for a bit [and I don't know if I just caught him on a bad day] but he's so much angrier. I'm not even sure what to attribute that to.

So I'm driving him to the city and he's roadraging! Taxis, pedestrians, other cars. I turn to him and say dude! relax! [Haha. I told someone else to relax. Haha]

At one point during the night, he said "I hate people." and I could only look at him and say "if that includes me, you're walking home." He had to laugh at that.

What happened to the happy-go-lucky Lighto that I knew? This one is not sleeping and overworking himself to death. If I could I'd wave a wand and send him to a tropical island for some recuperation. I hate to see him like this.

---

Some weeks ago, I had an argument with Lucifer. And I said to him out of maternal concern "Stop drinking in front of the fucking camera. You are going to get caught, you stupid fuckhead"
[I meant it nicely! really!]

and he said to me "what are you talking about?"

"Look, you alco. You are going to get fired if you don't stop bombing wild turkey and cokes for everyone to see"

He looked at me all hurt like I had kicked a kitten in the shins and said "My tooth hurts. I'm drinking to numb the pain. People do that with sore teeth. Is that all right with you?"

"People rub brandy on their gums, you moron. They don't chug bourbon for pain!"

"Oh whatever, I don't appreciate you calling me an alco. AND I don't drink that much at work."

"Yes you do, and if you don't stop- you will get your ass fired and you will be a forty year old with a drinking problem in a welfare house."

He gave me that hurt look again and ignored me for the rest of the day. God, I hate it when people don't listen to me.

A couple of days ago, one of the supes mentioned that when Lucifer got back from his holiday- he would be fired for drinking in front of the camera. And all I could say to that was Le Sigh.

I was half asleep last night when Campbell started talking about Lucifer and she says "He told me he likes you"

"Oh. A blind man who lives in a box with no light in Cuba also told me the same thing."

I started to drift off back to sleep.

"Don't be a smartarse. He also said that he's starting to stop liking you, because you're too hard to understand."

That woke me up. "Oh really? Thank God. All this time I was mean to him so he would quit it and all I had to do was be complex. Men."

Racism and noodles

So I'm sitting here with Campbell doing an assignment when I turn to her and say "I'm starving." and she being a mucho good friend says.. I'll go out and get it for you. Do you want chinese?

I look at her and say .. are you sure? Because what I really want is stir fried rice noodles with lamb, vegetarian dumplings, and .. glutinous rice balls..if you want.

And she goes "Sure!" and off she toddles, this blonde haired white girl with a list in her hand. I should have known not to send her by herself into the lion's den of Asian food.

Twenty minutes later she calls me and she's half crying and half laughing

M: what happened?

C: I got there and I told them the list! and they said they have no dumplings! no lamb! and no glutinous balls!

M: .. they said what..? They're a dumpling store.

C: I know! they said they have none of these things and then they pushed a menu in my hand and shoved me out of the restaurant!

M: Omg. Are you serious? They're just being pricks.

C: Why would they do this to me?

M: ... It's because you're white..

C: But there's another western lady who was in there. Oh wait. Hold on. She's also outside with a menu in her hand. Annnnd... on the phone.

M: [!!!] Just leave! We don't want their food! Get something else!

C: Those pricks.

Eventually Campbell went across the street and went into a very nice restaurant with a very nice lady who helped her straight away.

And I'm never going back to that restaurant ever ever. If I put my finger on what bothers me about it the most is that we're a multicultural progressive society where we let every Kumar, Stefano and Ken Wong in, but Ken Wong doesn't want to be part of a multicultural progressive society. But that's the only reason he's here in the first place. Did that make sense? I think my head just exploded with the circularity of it.

All I wanted was noodles- they didn't have to be mean about it.

....

It is 7:39 and I apologise for that entire rant and I apologise to all the Ken Wongs of Australia. Campbell walked into the wrong restaurant. It was not a dumpling restaurant. She's still mad though. And I guess I get to go back to that restaurant? never say never ever!

Mornings

"I walked across, an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth, beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know."

Somewhere- Keane

It's early in the morning, and the wind is blowing the trees around. The sky looks ominous. It's a distinctly furious gray. One day before I go, I'm going to open up the window and climb onto my roof.

Actually not long to go now.

I worry about these changes.

It's that time of the year again.

Along with Christmas, Easter, Car registration.. it's the annual "Oh shit. Mush has lost her phone again"

Sigh.

Whoosh whoosh

I am so hungover.

Here's a general rule for life. Don't get really drunk and watch the new Star Trek movie.

Firstly, everything goes hyper fast and whoosh whoosh whoosh. And it makes your head spinny. Even more spinny.

Secondly, It makes it really really really hard to follow plot [Why are there two Spocks? Is that Leonard Nimoy or is that the young spock in age make up? Am I going crazy?]

Thirdly, I don't know if the alcohol affected my perception [it probably did] but Kirk's forehead was massive! Massive!

Fourthly, when you squee for John Cho- there's a time lapse delay and people think you're squeeing for Simon Pegg or Uhara or that random green alien.

Fifthly, When I'm sober I squee more inwardly- not interrupting the poor girls next to me with my John Cho cheerleading

Sixthly, Those poor girls had to deal with us running to the bathroom every twenty and a half minutes

And now at some point I have to watch it again. Sober. Maybe Kirk's head will be in proportion then.

Kiddies, remember tequila is bad for you!

And more dreams

So last night I dreamt that my tooth fell out. Well technically it was jutting out to the front in a ridiculous way and so I pushed it with my tongue and I was bleeding everywhere and I caught this long ass molar in my hand.

Cute right?

It disturbed me but I was hoping that it would mean something good. Like a millionaire was about to give me money

So I went online and looked it up.

It means: Loss of self or identity; losing something you can't replace.

Well that's just.. crap.

Melon collie

I find words are at the moment inadequate to explain how I feel. I don't know if it's the cold and flu tablets messing with my head but yesterday [well most of it] I was content and today I just want to lay my head on my keyboard.

Too many shifts and no time equals no underwear

So I am quite a bit past caring what people think. I am even more past caring what people think at work.

About two weeks ago I said to my supe, "Don't give me so many shifts.. I don't want to work seven days a week. I will be tired. I will be cranky. And I need time to wash my socks."

He laughed and thought it was the most hilarious thing ever.

Sure enough, two weeks later he didn't listen and I am out of underwear. I had to resort to wearing a really dodgy pair of boxers which don't quite fit. I have to roll them over my pants so they don't fall down. Am I the sexiest person ever? I think so.

So I was talking to this supe today and I must've stretched or whatever and he turned to me very sternly and said:

Mush, when you come to work- you have to get completely dressed.

I looked at him and said "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your boxers!"

"Oh. ... ... ... well I told you! I told you to give me a day off so I can do laundry! but you didn't listen! I'm telling you. I have no underwear. None."

"Go buy some!"

"When?!"

"Thursday night. Late night shopping"

"Today is Saturday... so unless you want me to go back in time..."

And that shut him up.

You know ordinarily I would be embarrassed or whatever. but. I. don't. care. That's right I'm tired and cranky. Take that. I'm not a happy worker.

Take that Freud!

Ordinarily I never document my dreams because I find reading other people's dreams inexplicably boring. Feel free to ignore this post if your eyes glaze over

My anxieties are officially making me mental. And I didn't even know I had so many. Damn. Pick and circle my worries

I'm driving and talking to Sb on the phone and I ask him to do something for me [I think I asked him to see me actually], but he refuses and I get really really hurt and angry and I'm crying and firing off angry smses [those smses actually seem really familiar] and he doesn't reply, so I keep on driving.

I continue driving to school and I'm looking for parking and I park in some suburban street and before I leave the car I check on my two teddy bears in the back. I decide not to leave my ipod in the car for them to listen to [huh.].

I didn't know that Snuffles was mad at me so as I'm walking away, I see him release the handbrake and my car goes flying down the hill and smashes into another parked car.

My dream self and my real self both have the same reaction 'crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap'

And I can only do what I can do. I see the house next to us has turned the light on and the probability that this is their white car is very high so I jump into my car and drive off [oh God, look at the back of that white car]

So now I'm in tears again and I park in a spot closer to uni- the front of my car is a mess.

I get to uni [where did snuffles disappear to?] and I receive my report card from the counter and it says .. "Mush is doing really badly in all her classes. She doesn't participate and the only reason she's doing any good in any of her classes is because she smiles at Matt Hocking" also the report card is covered in big red crosses.

That does it. What a crappy day in dreamland. And so dream me has had enough and turns around to go home but realises that there's not much chance of driving home in my crashed up car.

And this is where I start to have a full blown panic attack- there's no way I can go to class after that savaging but if I leave they'll suspend me for cutting too many classes.

This is where my parents show up and say "Go home!.." and I explain to them about my car and they tsk and say they have a solution for me!

They provide me with a cardboard box and say "Use this". I'm stumped.. it's a cardboard box. They laugh and say we have one too!

Um. Ok. So I get in the cardboard box on the highway and it doesn't move like a car. Obviously. The only way it's going to move is if I sit in the box and push forward with my hands. And this is how I slowly go home- pushing myself in a cardboard box going 2km an hour.


That's it. I'm apparently a giant ball of nuts.

Some self-preservative left

I reckon that when God was handing out self preservative in people. He gave me a quart less than everyone else. I bump into things, knock things over, talk to boys that will break my heart and generally leave a small trail of self created destruction everywhere I go. You wouldn't know it to look at me though, because I am so quiet- but follow the trail of ouches to the kitchen and you'll see me standing in a puddle of soy sauce and perplexity. How the heck did I do that??

Well if I am a little human tornado. then Coffee is a level five tsunami. And he knows it. He once said to me, by way of ordinary conversation "I just leave mess everywhere I go. " and by this he means not sauce and pots but by the rolling wave of human female carcasses that he leaves behind.

And being a firsthand witness to the devastating effects of what he does and how he does it. It's staggering.

So anyway I removed myself from the situation and I thought that it was all good and I was all over it and I haven't spoken to him for months. Well rather he hasn't spoken to me for months. But I digress.

And then he calls last night. And apparently I'm not so much over it as I thought.

I'm about to go to bed when the phone starts to vibrate and I pick it up and I almost fall over because I recognise the number even though I went out of my way to delete it [drat!]

And then I do the Mush panic run around which involves.. yelling "What do I do? What do I do?!", tossing the phone hand to hand and just general shouts of "AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH!"- which I'm sure my neighbours appreciated at eleven at night.

However while I'm running around like a fool- a little voice in the back of my head says "if you pick it up stupid, you're going to be standing right back in that mess again. And clearly your running around like a chicken shows that you are in no right head space to pick up"

Thanks self preservative!

And then the phone stopped ringing. And I thought I was going to have a stroke. I sat down by the side of my bed and shook a little. I smsed all my friends with" You better be proud of me." And they all came through with little hoorays. Which was nice.

Before you congratulate me on my evolution on being a smidgen stronger- I honestly didn't get a wink of sleep last night. None. I wonder if he knew he was making girls around the state throw their phones around like hot potatoes, would he still call them?

Long work days

Am desperately fighting off the flu. I have never drunk so much tea in my entire life. I think eventually I'm going to sweat tea through my pores. They will call me tea girl and laugh and point. On the bright side I get to make a mint off paparazzi and royalties. Then I will surround myself with lots of yes-people who don't care that I smell like leaves.

Am sick of drawing radios. Sigh.

Hate banana jellybeans. Especially after the pear ones. Gleuh.

On the other hand, I'm having a good hair day. And I get to leave the office after twenty minutes.

Fifteen.

Ten.

Five.

I'm leaving.

Hooray!