Wipe On Sex Appeal

So I was in the toilets of Shark Bar and I saw this...


If thats a bit blurry, it says "Wipe On Sex Appeal" Wipe On! Sex Appeal!

and it was only two dollars! who could possibly resist? Well not me thats for sure.

So I scrounged around for two dollars and to the bewilderment of my friends, out popped a little blue box.

We all peered at it.. "Why does it look like a Tiffany's tampon box?", it was oddly the same colour as a box from Tiffanys.

Colour is slightly off on my camera

"Open it! open it!"

When it was opened.. it looked like .. well it looked like a condom wrapper.

The back of the packet says: This product has not been tested on animals [ I hope not!]. For external use only.. which makes me wonder exactly where people think they should wipe this thing? Ingredients: Alcohol, pheremone, fragrance and water. Also it boasts an unfair social advantage over other people.. hmm..

"Are you sure that's not a condom?"

" A condom which I'm going to wipe on myself...?"

Coconat looked at me and screwed up her nose.. "What if it gives you a rash?"

"Well if it works properly, then I'll be getting a rash for sure! Hee... Ahem..."

I tucked it into my purse for research purposes. And also Mexicana was coming the next day so I was sure she'd appreciate the pure science of wiping [someone else's] pheromones on myself to attract the opposite sex.

...

Mexicana gives me the most exasperated look "you do realise that everyones pheromones are individual and you wasted two dollars! two dollars!"

"But I want everyone to make kissy faces at me! Like this! "


.."After we camwhore of course..."

So are we going to try this or not? .. Mexicana gives me a look which indicates I may be pushing the boundaries of our [beloved! beloved!] friendship by involving her in a crazy social science experiment.

"Fine"



Ippon looks at me and says "What exactly are you involving my girlfriend in??!"



Me: "I'm asking her to wipe this concoction on her neck so that we are more appealing to the opposite sex"

Ippon: "Huh."


So we [or rather I] opened up the packet and got a whiff of the wipe.



.. it smelt like lemony liquid soap but in a way that somebody had tried to remove the lemons and failed. It also made my nose tingle like a bastard.

I looked at Mexicana worriedly, is my nose supposed to tingle??? Is it going to work on me instead?? Will I go crazy and start humping everybodys leg?!

Mexicana: I don't think you know how pheromones work. No.





So despite my misgivings [and worries about an imminent rash] I start applying it liberally

x

It really was like a KFC wipe. Except drier. And greasier. When I reached up to touch my neck, it was like I had rubbed a kebab on myself. I was literally dripping oil.

Me: Um, chicks? Is this supposed to do this?

Mexicana: Yes, its alcohol.

Me: Not any alcohol I've ever drunk.

Mexicana: Sigh

Don't look so happy, you stupid fool. You smell like munted lemons

So hey pronto! we were greasy and lemon fresh and ready to go. Lets hit the town!

We barely stepped out the door when a forty year old man towing his two kids gave us a look. A deeply perverty look.

Me: He wasn't really close enough to smell anything. I think he might just be objecting to how short your shorts are

We walked up and down George Street looking for an open bar.

Equilibrium- closed [CLOSED?!]

V Bar- There was an empty function going on inside. The bouncer leered at us "you need to pay to get in. I'll give you a discount- make it ten dollars instead of twenty" I think if we had talked to him any longer he would've pulled down his pants and asked us to blow him for entry.

Me: Mexicana, I think your shorts are affecting this experiment.

We continued up and down until Mexi started pouting "I WANNA GET DRUNK. This is affecting BINGE TIME"

I was also starting to think that the smells of George Street [cigarettes, vomit, teenybopper sweat] were starting to co-mingle with my lemony scent.

Fine, fine so we headed to Star Bar [Mexicana officially desperate for a drink] where two [youngish] Indian bartenders served us.

I ordered her three chartreuses.

IB: So you're planning to get drunk tonight? IB starts eyeing up Mexicana appreciatively. Not that I want him or anything but I'm starting to wonder if I should wave my wrists in his face for the sake of experimentation.

Mexicana: Yeah, I am.... BLEAAAAAHHHH.. what is this stuff??

Me: Whoops, forgot you were a chartreuse virgin. Two to go!

The IB is impressed with her gusto, but she starts looking a little bit wobbly on her heels. Oh boy.

Moving onto Shark Bar before IB drags her out the back to hump her leg.

In Shark Bar, to my disappointment the only bartenders there are women and one strangely effeminate blonde guy. I look around and realise that even if this stuff worked [and I don't think it did] these are all eighteen year old high school students! I don't want to go to jail!

I gave up and played pool clumsily instead. Which is I think more fun than unobtrusively waving my wrists in peoples faces.

Results of the experiment: One extremely greasy lemony girl and her trashed best friend had no takers: an interested bartender, a pervy old man, an even more skeevy bouncer and many high school children which we didn't even bother to look at. Now that you put it that way.. is there a man drought in Sydney that I'm not aware of??

Two bimbos and a taxi

So me and Coconat had just finished having dinner and we were heading back to my car to go home. As we were walking up the street we spied a taxi trying to fit into a teeny weeny space in front of my car. Coconat and I looked at each other and I went ohGodohGod, there's no way he's going to fit...

CRUNCH.. [melding of bumpers noise]

Oh shit.

The taxi started to accelerate and move off. The bastard was going to hit and run!

So Coconat and I flew down the street and started hollering "OI! OI! You!! Stop now!"

The taxi driver hesitated for a second and and when he saw two angry girls bearing down on him, he stepped on the gas double time and zoomed off.

"Wait! You.. you... you.. fuckstick!!"

So we're standing there panting .. hurrrr.. hurrrr.. hurrrr [the two of us need cardio apparently] and I turn around to inspect the damage.

"Um...Coconat? That's not my car"

"Holy crap. It isn't your car!"

"Where is the car?" The car was safe and sound on a parallel street, undamaged by any taxis. We headed home, feeling extremely sheepish and just a little bit stupid. We certainly scared the nuts off that taxi driver.

I hate Unwired

I use Unwired because I'm renting. There are very little possibilites for internet for people who are renting and don't want to use a phone line. And so I use unwired.

I opened my computer up at 10:00pm, I have been disconnected from the internet once every three minutes for the last hour and twenty minutes. It is now 11:22pm. Which means I have been logged off the internet about twenty six times. I am starting to think I have the patience of a saint. I should be canonised. Saint Mush of Sydney, for not hurling the modem out the window at my neighbours cat. For sitting through twenty six disconnections and constant IP drop outs without kicking the wall in.



While I've been waiting for my internet to stabilise itself [at eleven at night] I've become very good at passing time on things that don't involve internet.

They involve:

Playing endless games of mindsweeper and or spider

Recreating starry starry night on paint program

Cleaning the keys on my keyboard

Imagining syphillis on the CEO of Unwired. Long and painful syphillis which involves his penis exploding with pus at the same rate of my disconnection.



I'm just waiting for my landlady to extend my lease and when she does, I'm going to switch to naked DSL. I am going to pee on the modem and send it back to Unwired in 500 pieces, in fact, I'm going to have a *peeing party for all my friends who've struggled to talk to me on msn for the last year because of constant cut outs. There's going to be so many people who are going to want to take it out on modem that there's not going to be enough modem to go around.

[If you're wondering, yes I did take it to customer service and their advice? Sell the modem to my friends if it's not working for me (really, I don't hate my friends that much). That advice cost me 45 minutes waiting time and a sixty dollar bill. Please canonise me. Vote now]