Racism and noodles

So I'm sitting here with Campbell doing an assignment when I turn to her and say "I'm starving." and she being a mucho good friend says.. I'll go out and get it for you. Do you want chinese?

I look at her and say .. are you sure? Because what I really want is stir fried rice noodles with lamb, vegetarian dumplings, and .. glutinous rice balls..if you want.

And she goes "Sure!" and off she toddles, this blonde haired white girl with a list in her hand. I should have known not to send her by herself into the lion's den of Asian food.

Twenty minutes later she calls me and she's half crying and half laughing

M: what happened?

C: I got there and I told them the list! and they said they have no dumplings! no lamb! and no glutinous balls!

M: .. they said what..? They're a dumpling store.

C: I know! they said they have none of these things and then they pushed a menu in my hand and shoved me out of the restaurant!

M: Omg. Are you serious? They're just being pricks.

C: Why would they do this to me?

M: ... It's because you're white..

C: But there's another western lady who was in there. Oh wait. Hold on. She's also outside with a menu in her hand. Annnnd... on the phone.

M: [!!!] Just leave! We don't want their food! Get something else!

C: Those pricks.

Eventually Campbell went across the street and went into a very nice restaurant with a very nice lady who helped her straight away.

And I'm never going back to that restaurant ever ever. If I put my finger on what bothers me about it the most is that we're a multicultural progressive society where we let every Kumar, Stefano and Ken Wong in, but Ken Wong doesn't want to be part of a multicultural progressive society. But that's the only reason he's here in the first place. Did that make sense? I think my head just exploded with the circularity of it.

All I wanted was noodles- they didn't have to be mean about it.

....

It is 7:39 and I apologise for that entire rant and I apologise to all the Ken Wongs of Australia. Campbell walked into the wrong restaurant. It was not a dumpling restaurant. She's still mad though. And I guess I get to go back to that restaurant? never say never ever!

Mornings

"I walked across, an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth, beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know."

Somewhere- Keane

It's early in the morning, and the wind is blowing the trees around. The sky looks ominous. It's a distinctly furious gray. One day before I go, I'm going to open up the window and climb onto my roof.

Actually not long to go now.

I worry about these changes.

It's that time of the year again.

Along with Christmas, Easter, Car registration.. it's the annual "Oh shit. Mush has lost her phone again"

Sigh.

Whoosh whoosh

I am so hungover.

Here's a general rule for life. Don't get really drunk and watch the new Star Trek movie.

Firstly, everything goes hyper fast and whoosh whoosh whoosh. And it makes your head spinny. Even more spinny.

Secondly, It makes it really really really hard to follow plot [Why are there two Spocks? Is that Leonard Nimoy or is that the young spock in age make up? Am I going crazy?]

Thirdly, I don't know if the alcohol affected my perception [it probably did] but Kirk's forehead was massive! Massive!

Fourthly, when you squee for John Cho- there's a time lapse delay and people think you're squeeing for Simon Pegg or Uhara or that random green alien.

Fifthly, When I'm sober I squee more inwardly- not interrupting the poor girls next to me with my John Cho cheerleading

Sixthly, Those poor girls had to deal with us running to the bathroom every twenty and a half minutes

And now at some point I have to watch it again. Sober. Maybe Kirk's head will be in proportion then.

Kiddies, remember tequila is bad for you!

And more dreams

So last night I dreamt that my tooth fell out. Well technically it was jutting out to the front in a ridiculous way and so I pushed it with my tongue and I was bleeding everywhere and I caught this long ass molar in my hand.

Cute right?

It disturbed me but I was hoping that it would mean something good. Like a millionaire was about to give me money

So I went online and looked it up.

It means: Loss of self or identity; losing something you can't replace.

Well that's just.. crap.

Melon collie

I find words are at the moment inadequate to explain how I feel. I don't know if it's the cold and flu tablets messing with my head but yesterday [well most of it] I was content and today I just want to lay my head on my keyboard.

Too many shifts and no time equals no underwear

So I am quite a bit past caring what people think. I am even more past caring what people think at work.

About two weeks ago I said to my supe, "Don't give me so many shifts.. I don't want to work seven days a week. I will be tired. I will be cranky. And I need time to wash my socks."

He laughed and thought it was the most hilarious thing ever.

Sure enough, two weeks later he didn't listen and I am out of underwear. I had to resort to wearing a really dodgy pair of boxers which don't quite fit. I have to roll them over my pants so they don't fall down. Am I the sexiest person ever? I think so.

So I was talking to this supe today and I must've stretched or whatever and he turned to me very sternly and said:

Mush, when you come to work- you have to get completely dressed.

I looked at him and said "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your boxers!"

"Oh. ... ... ... well I told you! I told you to give me a day off so I can do laundry! but you didn't listen! I'm telling you. I have no underwear. None."

"Go buy some!"

"When?!"

"Thursday night. Late night shopping"

"Today is Saturday... so unless you want me to go back in time..."

And that shut him up.

You know ordinarily I would be embarrassed or whatever. but. I. don't. care. That's right I'm tired and cranky. Take that. I'm not a happy worker.

Take that Freud!

Ordinarily I never document my dreams because I find reading other people's dreams inexplicably boring. Feel free to ignore this post if your eyes glaze over

My anxieties are officially making me mental. And I didn't even know I had so many. Damn. Pick and circle my worries

I'm driving and talking to Sb on the phone and I ask him to do something for me [I think I asked him to see me actually], but he refuses and I get really really hurt and angry and I'm crying and firing off angry smses [those smses actually seem really familiar] and he doesn't reply, so I keep on driving.

I continue driving to school and I'm looking for parking and I park in some suburban street and before I leave the car I check on my two teddy bears in the back. I decide not to leave my ipod in the car for them to listen to [huh.].

I didn't know that Snuffles was mad at me so as I'm walking away, I see him release the handbrake and my car goes flying down the hill and smashes into another parked car.

My dream self and my real self both have the same reaction 'crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap'

And I can only do what I can do. I see the house next to us has turned the light on and the probability that this is their white car is very high so I jump into my car and drive off [oh God, look at the back of that white car]

So now I'm in tears again and I park in a spot closer to uni- the front of my car is a mess.

I get to uni [where did snuffles disappear to?] and I receive my report card from the counter and it says .. "Mush is doing really badly in all her classes. She doesn't participate and the only reason she's doing any good in any of her classes is because she smiles at Matt Hocking" also the report card is covered in big red crosses.

That does it. What a crappy day in dreamland. And so dream me has had enough and turns around to go home but realises that there's not much chance of driving home in my crashed up car.

And this is where I start to have a full blown panic attack- there's no way I can go to class after that savaging but if I leave they'll suspend me for cutting too many classes.

This is where my parents show up and say "Go home!.." and I explain to them about my car and they tsk and say they have a solution for me!

They provide me with a cardboard box and say "Use this". I'm stumped.. it's a cardboard box. They laugh and say we have one too!

Um. Ok. So I get in the cardboard box on the highway and it doesn't move like a car. Obviously. The only way it's going to move is if I sit in the box and push forward with my hands. And this is how I slowly go home- pushing myself in a cardboard box going 2km an hour.


That's it. I'm apparently a giant ball of nuts.

Some self-preservative left

I reckon that when God was handing out self preservative in people. He gave me a quart less than everyone else. I bump into things, knock things over, talk to boys that will break my heart and generally leave a small trail of self created destruction everywhere I go. You wouldn't know it to look at me though, because I am so quiet- but follow the trail of ouches to the kitchen and you'll see me standing in a puddle of soy sauce and perplexity. How the heck did I do that??

Well if I am a little human tornado. then Coffee is a level five tsunami. And he knows it. He once said to me, by way of ordinary conversation "I just leave mess everywhere I go. " and by this he means not sauce and pots but by the rolling wave of human female carcasses that he leaves behind.

And being a firsthand witness to the devastating effects of what he does and how he does it. It's staggering.

So anyway I removed myself from the situation and I thought that it was all good and I was all over it and I haven't spoken to him for months. Well rather he hasn't spoken to me for months. But I digress.

And then he calls last night. And apparently I'm not so much over it as I thought.

I'm about to go to bed when the phone starts to vibrate and I pick it up and I almost fall over because I recognise the number even though I went out of my way to delete it [drat!]

And then I do the Mush panic run around which involves.. yelling "What do I do? What do I do?!", tossing the phone hand to hand and just general shouts of "AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH!"- which I'm sure my neighbours appreciated at eleven at night.

However while I'm running around like a fool- a little voice in the back of my head says "if you pick it up stupid, you're going to be standing right back in that mess again. And clearly your running around like a chicken shows that you are in no right head space to pick up"

Thanks self preservative!

And then the phone stopped ringing. And I thought I was going to have a stroke. I sat down by the side of my bed and shook a little. I smsed all my friends with" You better be proud of me." And they all came through with little hoorays. Which was nice.

Before you congratulate me on my evolution on being a smidgen stronger- I honestly didn't get a wink of sleep last night. None. I wonder if he knew he was making girls around the state throw their phones around like hot potatoes, would he still call them?

Long work days

Am desperately fighting off the flu. I have never drunk so much tea in my entire life. I think eventually I'm going to sweat tea through my pores. They will call me tea girl and laugh and point. On the bright side I get to make a mint off paparazzi and royalties. Then I will surround myself with lots of yes-people who don't care that I smell like leaves.

Am sick of drawing radios. Sigh.

Hate banana jellybeans. Especially after the pear ones. Gleuh.

On the other hand, I'm having a good hair day. And I get to leave the office after twenty minutes.

Fifteen.

Ten.

Five.

I'm leaving.

Hooray!

Back! with a job!

You have no idea how glad I am to have the internet back and to be able to surf it slowly without my [two!] bosses looking over my shoulder especially since they sit behind me. I would hunt for porn- if, you know, I was a porn fiend. Good thing I'm not a porn fiend.

Anyway, so I've started a new job and it's not particularly hard and it doesn't pay particularly well [well ok, it pays aeroplane-crash badly] but I guess, you know, I get to draw little pictures of tv's all day long.. and I shouldn't complain [too much] about doing something I really like doing.. even if I still hate photoshop and web 2.0 and creating buttons.

And the environment is really really different.. it's so.... asian. We share taro and preserved celery for lunch- and then after work I go put my face in a bag of junk food to wash it off. I haven't seen anyone even remotely white for three days and when I saw one today in the office [magazine salesman] it was like someone had lifted a curtain. I had to fight the urge to point at him and giggle "a hee-hee- hee! a white man! like in a picture book! a hee-hee-hee!"

But of course, I put my game face on and said very politely "How do you do?"

I know that Sumo and Dylmah would have run screaming for the doorway by now [they are the asians who don't like asians. Bizarre I know.] but I don't mind it that much. Of course I wished that they spoke more english and that we could communicate more on politics or gossip girl or anything really but then I have the casino environment where I have to hear people discuss anal and all kids of deviant behaviour all day long- so maybe talking about what I'm having for lunch is kind of a break in itself.

I'm justifying. Blah.

Anyway I don't mind it. Oh. I do mind that the question mark key is stuck on my work keyboard. Thats bugs me. It makes it look I'm stating things all day long.

I was reading the contract yesterday and there was a clause called 'Death'
[paraphrasing] when the employee dies, all employment between the company and the employee ceases.

I guess they had a lot of post-death/zombie issues to put in a clause like that, or maybe they just want to work us to DEATH! DEATH!

I signed the contract. I'll probably ask my boss about it one day when I'm feeling goofy- still on probation though so I may wait a few months.

[As you may have probably noticed- I am completely doofus and totally rambling. I think I'm just happy to be out of the straitjacket we call office attire. Jeans here we come!]

V. lucky

I'm v. lucky to have such good friends. Thank you. You know who you are.

Logic

Whenever I get upset I get a theory that I should stop blogging. I don't logically see how one equals the other but for some reason it does. I may have to sit down and ponder this one day.

Least. Last. Done

"Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation."
-Last Goodbye Jeff Buckley

Gen Y @ work

"Some employers are concerned that the members of Millennials have too great expectations from the workplace and desire to shape their jobs to fit their lives rather than adapt their lives to the workplace"- Gen Y on Wiki

ok so first congratulate me because I have a new job! woohoo!

The problem is.. and it has a number of teeny tiny problems... it pays less than my actual rent [which is low, low, low...] and secondly well it's not really my type of job. Hell, we'll say it loud. I am not built for car marketing I am more built for illustration and girly girly things.

So in my head before I've started this job- I've kind of already left it. Ahahaha. Seriously in my idea of longterm planning I'm thinking max a year and then I am vamoose to someone who can pay me better. Please buy my loyalty. It works.

Someone said that to me today- "stay for three months and then leave!" and I said "Really?? That's such a gen Y thing to do" and then I clamped my hand over my mouth and slapped myself all over the head several times.

Sb's friends used to tease me about being a gen Y all the time. But I am not ashamed! I am a face-booking, blogging, media culture-whoring, attention seeking, multi-lingual gen Y! You can buy my attention with shiny objects and whats wrong with that?? and anyway there's 71 million of us- we will eventually rule the world so stop being so pissy you cranky baby boomers [you're just mad that you can't work an iphone. Nehh.]

Random randomly bits.

I’m back after two weeks of computer breakdown. For awhile I was having computer withdrawals- I bought seven books. It helped some.

---

Two weeks ago, I was standing in the bar with Lucifer and I started teasing him about his new girlfriend.

He looked at me and said very seriously “well I wasn’t going to wait for you forever”

“Oh? Someone said that the exact same thing to me last night. Word for word. Is there a male handbook on how TO TALK TO ME?! A book of LINES perhaps?? Am I supposed to respond to all of it in the same FRICKING WAY??”

He started to tremble a little bit and I began to feel like I had kicked a lame bunny or something. [Crap. I can’t even outburst anymore]

Finally I relented. “Oh fuck off. I don’t even care that much. Go be happy”

“Well I am happy but I’m not.”

“Lemme guess, you like the girl but she likes you more and now you have an obligation to date her?” My eyes started doing a little roll towards the exit.

“Hey yeah! That’s amazing! How did you know?!”

“Handbook.”

---

So I was heading to my car and there’s a low wall next to the stairs when I saw this black kitten walk towards me, he propped himself up standing on this low wall so all I could see were a head and two paws and then he inclined his head at me. I was a little bit in love with him- he was that cute. And God knows I don’t generally love cats so I called him towards me [after he had finished inspecting me, of course] and I gave him a hug before I went to work.

I didn’t think he would remember me the next time when he crossed paths again [I presume that’s dogs memories are better?] but he came up to me, looked up and said “riowr!”. I do believe “riowr” is cat for hello. I honestly have never met such a good natured cat. I’ll miss him when I eventually move.

---

I was walking Minnie and these two little schoolkids crossing the road stopped and waved hello at her before they continued on their way. Talk about gestures that break your heart.

---

I was at this party and I didn’t want to sit inside and singstar [besides the fact there was this girl hogging the microphone and I didn’t want to eventually smack her on the side of the head with it] so I sat down outside with some boys. I figured that I’d get some deep revelations about how men really are. Turns out that I was expecting Plato over a beer and uhhh.. I got nipples, cocks and cars [I did meet a guy who does study philosophy the other day, I suppose he also discusses nipples with his friends instead of the meaning of life].

So I was kind of enjoying the conversation when this guy I vaguely know wandered out onto the balcony as well. As I was listening he turns to me and says “They’re just talking like this to turn you off.”

I could only turn and give him my most withering glare.

And then he says to me “Can you cook?”

And I reply “Of course, I can”

“Oh. I didn’t expect that you could” .. before I have time to register this insult, he continues “Women who can’t cook buy shoes. And women who can cook don’t buy shoes.”

I’m so blown away that I can only stare at him with my mouth open, when I finally manage to say something, it comes out strangled.

“And what about the women that manage to buy shoes AND cook? Thanks for your idiotic gender commentary. Now please fuck off.”

He shrugs “I’m only being honest”

Robbie next to me has never seen me so angry. And I’m slowly inching my fingers to take off my shoe to lob at this fuckhead. He pushes a bottle of moscato in my hand [not even with a straw or anything!] and says “drink this.” He then turns around and says to that pig, “Shut the fuck up. You’re not even making any sense.”

There’s a lull in the conversation and the topic goes back to nipples.

Boy 2# :Well, let’s change the topic shall we!.. so David.. how do you manage to move your nipples?

David, fuckwit extraordinaire: Well you can eventually manage to move them through pushups. If you do enough push ups then you can move them!

Me: Ok, that’s it. Your body looks like a sack of potatoes. Push ups. What push ups? You’re full of shit. How do you manage to be so full of shit?

Boy 2#: Aheeheeheeheehee

David: Whatever. Let’s go to McDonalds. Who’s up for McDonalds?

Yuk. Don’t ever let me see the guy again I will totally bean him with a frying pan [the one I apparently don't use!]. I told my girlfriends about it as I was driving home and the consensus was ass. Total ass.

---
Chrissy started moaning at me the other day "Mush! I need to get laid!"

I stared at her for a beat "Chrissy. You have a boyfriend. When did you last get some?"

"Last night."

.."I haven't gotten any since November! Are you serious?! You're complaining to the wrong person! You're complaining to a starving person that your pizza has too much cheese!"

"Ahahaheehee.. yeah you're right."

At this point Campbell walks in and Chrissy starts her spiel again. "I neeeeeed toooo geeeeettt laaaaaaid"

Campbell looks at her and says "Chrissy. My boyfriend is overseas. Suck it up."

"I will. I will."

---

I feel better lately. I feel like I'm breathing more regularly. Not falling to pieces. Progress.

Drifting towards

By request from Mexicana. Sleepy and vulnerable without my hair, my contacts , my make up.

Things that are distracting

So here is a list of things that are taking my mind off things

- My pandora bracelet.
For the first few days wearing it- it constantly plucked out any wrist hair I might have had. It was like it's way of saying "Here I am! Pay attention to me! Me! Me!" and now that I have no more hair on my arm I don't think about it as much. But I still think [quite constantly] about how to prettify the thing. I'm hoping that someone will be kind and offer me a gold charm for it [without having to sell my body for the thing, of course]. I only have two charms on it- a money bag which is my way of telling myself to invest more wisely in people and a fish which is only there because it's so fricking cute.

- My ongoing commitment to being ripped off by any mechanic in a thirty mile radius.
So I've just paid eight hundred dollars for a service two months ago and I was thinking it might be due for a basic service soon. There was no way I was taking it back to Terry Ryan's in Ryde. Sorry guys but charging six hundred for labour makes you complete asshats. Anyway. I took it to Midas in Chatswood and I called beforehand and asked for a quote [like the smart cookie I am right?]

Me: I'm bringing my car in for a service. How much?
Mechanic: [bored voice] five hundred and seventy dollars.
Me: EXCUSE ME? I'm asking for a basic service not a new car.
Mechanic: Oh. a hundred and twenty.
Me: A hundred and twenty? you're sure a hundred and twenty? Can I have your name and id number and birthdate please?

So I brought it in and I asked suspiciously "one twenty right? thats not one hundred and twenty thousand? no extra zeroes?". They said no ma'am! And I happily went off to buy a book and six new shirts.
At two o clock- I got the call. I should have known.
Mechanic: Mush? We've looked in your car and you need a new radiator. And new brakes.
Me: what. I just got my car serviced. What are you talking about?
Mechanic asshat: your radiator is cracked, you need a new one. Oh, and new brakes.
Me: Uh huh. And how come my radiator is cracked?
Mechanic: I dunno. Let's see. The radiator by itself will cost five hundred dollars... you need to replace the brakes.. which needs to replaced in pairs which is three hundred each so that comes to ... well over one thousand dollars.

At this point of the conversation I could see these mechanics stomping on my radiator and cutting my brake lines to make themselves a little profit.
From a distant land I heard myself say: change the radiator. Leave the brakes.
And then he chuckled: Yeah, it might be better to spread the load around not so heavy on the wallet.
There. my ongoing commitment to keeping these assholes as happy as pigs in shit. I have had not much experience with lawyers but if it's anything like being ripped off by a mechanic- I would happily drive a boatload of them into the sea. Seriously, is there an honest mechanic out there??

-My hair.
When I have pics I will post them up. If it acts like Sadako, and it looks like Sadako.. then it is.. Mush?

-Carnivale Season 2.
Three years late to the party but at least I'm finally there! Decapitations! Incest! Visual proof that ferris wheels are dangerous!

Things that are not so much taking my mind off things:

-Wedding expo.
UM.. I am very happy that you are getting married. But I don't want to go?! I don't want to see you picking out the icing on your cake, trying on pretty dresses and generally swanning over adorable girly things which I will not see [personally] for a good 'nother four years?! Seriously I don't want to see happy couple future things at the moment I would rather stay at home and twiddle my thumbs. rhythmically. Ask me again in six months ok? I'd be happy to go with you in six months. Not now.

-Furniture shopping.
This too. Stop it. You're killing me.

-My phone.
I've designated an entire room to keeping my phone away from me. This way I won't have to think about possible job callbacks, eviction notices, irate supervisors and wayward boy phone calls. If it's in the same room as me there's a good chance I'll stare at it so hard that the battery starts to melt. This way I can concentrate on eating a sandwich or breathing in a normal humanly fashion. Only now that I've run of credit I have to keep it with me at all times, it's interfering with my ability to do normal things- jhdjghjfghel.

Only fabulous in certain times of the day

Night time is the hardest. At night I lie awake and I am pegged with insecurity, anger, longing. At night I visualise situations back and forward in my head, I rewind-erase, rewind-erase until I fall into a twitchy [hypnic jerk] sleep, and in my dreams I'm always arguing, continuously explaining. Even in my sleep no-one listens. At night staring at my ceiling, I wonder if I've made ripples in anybodys lives and if any of these lives would be duly effected if I was to go away, I always come to the same conclusion that life would still go on and the earth would still revolve- if I was ever brave enough to do it I would do it. I worry that my friends worry about me.

In the daytime all this goes away. In the morning I warm up and I do my thing. I tell myself that everyday is a new day. I laugh and I make phone calls. I go to work and I ask "How do I look?" and people can only shake their heads at my ego-centricities and say "ugly- real ugly today" .. Lucifer looks at me and says "You are gorgeous. You look sensational". It's a shallow ego boost but it helps, it helps me to sway my hips just that little bit more- to lift my head just that little bit higher.

By evening, I am in full swing. I am fabulous and everyone knows it. I truly truly feel fine that I will make it not just to tomorrow but to the ripe old age of eighty five. It's life! It's here for the taking!

And then night comes and as I get ready for bed- all these niggles, these worries, these rewinds and regrets come flooding back and I stare at the ceiling before I fall asleep*

*I was feeling so good this afternoon, I felt absolutely amazing. But now it's 12:58 at night and for some reason I'm not holding it together. I would blame it on the rain but I don't think that's it. Seasonal affective disorder. Maybe.

Daydreams and dreams

My subconscious is [slightly] out of whack lately, so I sleep badly and I dream constantly.

He was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat and I turned to him and asked
"Are you over me yet?"
"Yes."
[Pause]
"Are you happy?"
"Yes."

And then I woke up. If I didn't know better I'd think my brain was trying to tell me something.

...

"It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name.. steel and granite reminders"

...

Today I received a smile. There was never a smile like that before. It was literally the most dazzling smile I've ever seen. [Chrissy interrupts and says "Was it directed at you?" "Yes."]. I've seen nice smiles and I've seen good smiles but it was never ever like that- it was dazzling, infectious and warm all at the same time- I just had to smile back and I think I must've stood there for a full minute grinning like a doofus. A christmas present of a smile. I had to wonder what it would be like to be on the receiving end of one of those everyday.

...

Things not to do in the car

I was driving down Epping Road, Epping Road is a giant four lane freeway which for reasons unexplained merges into one lane. So I got stuck behind a pretty old school convertible driving at speeds of 30km/h. An open top convertible driving at 30km/h. Seriously, I presume that if I ever bought a convertible you would never see me again- just the blur where the car and I used to be.

Anyway I wasn't in too big of a hurry but I was wondering why the guy was driving like a zombie on valium. I was daydreaming [you would daydream too- driving so slowly] when I saw this blonde head rise from the passenger seat and ping. The penny, it dropped.

In an open air convertible? are you people crazy? Lucky it's a one lane road and no-one else can drive by with a complete view of your wang wang. At least put the top up!

--

I mentioned this story to Campbell [the outrage! Won't someone think of the children?!] and she just laughed and said she did it all the time.
I gave her a look and said what. What for?
"Oh John and I did it in America, when we were driving. I was bored and running out of things to do in the car. It just came up."
"Omg. Talk. Play games. Something."
" I Spy was boring and John didn't want to play it"
"I'll bet if that was the other option!"

At this point another workmate who had been listening pipes up "maybe he could do it for you in return!.. I don't know how that would work though... might be a bit awkward.."

"He would sit his head on the steering wheel when you brake! And omg. Can we stop talking about this? I need to go wash my brain from all these images. I was just trying to express my outrage! "

Men- future, past, present.

[Post deleted]

Lately I have been feeling much better- I don't know if it's the hair or the repression or the cake or whatever it is- it's slowly but surely pulling me out of this quagmire. It's a quagmire.

I suddenly have this invincible unshakable belief that someone is going to come along and lift me out. This person is going to say "It's okay, Mush. Go ahead. Lean." and then I will gladly follow that person to the ends of the earth. I don't know when or where or whatever but I believe it. Betty thinks I'm crazy waiting around for a no-show prince and that I should 'date' to find him, but I think I should be able to spot the gold coin among the douchebags. I had a friend who once said to me "Why do you have to act so strong all the time? The ones who act the strongest are actually the weakest". When that person finally comes, I will have somewhere to lay my exhausted head. I will finally feel safe.

One of my indulgences and I don't have many indulgences [other than the constant gnashing of teeth on this blog] is to take ten minutes out of my day and sit on my front step, smoke a cigarette and talk to Sb in my head. I tell him about my day and I have a lopsided telepathic conversation with him. When the cigarette finishes, I pack it up and go back inside. I figure that I have to stop this before it becomes a full blown addiction.

I saw Coffee today. It gratified me to see he looked terrible. He was sporting a lank beatles bowl cut. I don't wish him any ill [seriously, none] but you know I'm no saint- I'm not complaining when people who've treated me badly have bad haircuts. It's karma! Wahaha

Gremlins and how I may be losing my mind

Something weird is going on with my house. People keep trying to enter it. Or to be more specific people are entering it and removing things. Or replacing things.

Well there are three probabilities a) there are gremlins/elves- that type of thing b) someone is actually entering my house and playing with my stuff or c) I'm losing my mind to a giant spiral vortex which manipulates my reality by making everything circular. [Thanks Junji Ito!]


Let's take a punt on A.

About a week ago, I was hungry and looking around for my can-opener to open a can of weiners but no matter how hard I hunted for it- I couldn't find it. It's a big white can opener.. it's not a particularly easy thing to lose. At some point during my search I considered that Mystic Meg might have taken it during her move home and I was about to call her up and abuse her for running off with it [what? I was hungry!]. I gave up and made myself a sandwich instead.

Yesterday I opened the drawer and there was the can opener sitting there as big as day. What. The. Fuck. It was incredibly strange but at least now I could open the weiner can.

About a month ago on my birthday, Mystic and I were discussing the weeds in my yard.
Mystic: You know it'd be a whole lot easier to weed if you had a shovel.
Me: Yes. [Gets down on my hands and knees and starts pulling out weeds]

Well today I thought I would stop being lazy and go out and weed again because Minnie kept coming back with burrs and the yard was starting to look somewhat embarrassing.

Oh, and by the way which dickhead told the world that gardening is a relaxing pursuit?? [Stupid Frances Hodgson Burnett. Probably never planted a thing in her life. *grumble]

So I went out there and I was surveying the damage when I noticed a shovel in a pot. There was a shovel. In a pot. Where the heck did this shovel come from? Um.. thanksbe Fairy Godelf? for the shovel? [Ask and ye shall receive.. gardening implements.]

I pondered it for a bit, well clearly it wasn't Mystic's- because then we wouldn't have had a discussion on how hard it was to weed with your hands. And it wasn't Sb's because he hasn't been back for donkeys years much less in my yard and anyway it wasn't there last time I was in the yard.

Erm. So gnomes? gremlins? helpful burglars? Am I going cuckoo?


*speaking of weirdness, I was on the pavement when something whizzed past my ear and started to hover around my arm. It was a bee. Odd not only because my yard has no flowers to speak of but it was about to rain as well. I looked at it and I said to it very calmly "You may like to sting me, but if you sting me- then you will die. However I know someone who hates bees who doesn't work very far away from here, and if you sting him on the nose [or if you can reach- in the crotch], you'll get infinitely more satisfaction dying like that than from me on the arm."

It hesitated and I pointed drily "That way". I blinked and it disappeared over the wall and from my yard. I didn't even know I was a bee whisperer extraordinaire. [By the way talking to bumblebees is not definite proof that I've lost it. We will discuss when we have definite proof]

Put a sign on me

I was reading this advice column from Salon [edited]:

Anyway, I am not writing to you about any of the particular issues that have arisen for me as a result of my collision with the karmic dump truck. After several months of convulsive grief I, I am starting to pick my way through the rubble. But I am really, really raw. Having always thought of myself as an emotionally intelligent person, I am shocked and disoriented by my sudden inability to predict my own reactions to daily stimuli. The other day I started crying when someone casually wished me good luck getting home in the snow. And while half of me was crying, the other half was all calm and perplexed, like, "Why are you crying?" It's not just crying at little things, it's also not crying at big things, and realizing I am walking along in a bitter fury and not being able to think of a single thing that happened to instigate it.

You are not going to die from this. But you are on the fritz.

When a machine goes on the fritz, someone puts a sign on it.

Someone should put a sign on you.

It would say, "I am on the fritz. Please do not bang on me or unplug me or tip me back and forth."

You will be OK. But you are not OK right now. You have never encountered such a powerful mess before. Everything has not gone haywire like this before.

After a certain age we have it mostly wired. We have a basic understanding; we know mostly what people's motives are and how they can be expected to act. We have a repertoire of getting-over-it behaviors and thinking-it-through behaviors and self-care behaviors and refresh-the-soul-and-body behaviors.

But then comes the tsunami. You don't expect it or know how to deal with it.

I get the feeling that you are not used to being on the fritz. I get the feeling you are very good at maintaining. So I suggest you first let go of the expectation that one particular solution is going to work right away. Try instead accepting the possibility that nothing is going to work right away.

Nothing is going to fix it. You're going to be on the fritz for a while.

Sinking sand

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side

Maybe I oughta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
The trick ain't worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And love's a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is

-The Other Side- David Gray.

***

And with that, I'm taking a hiatus from blogging for a few weeks. See you on the other side.

Tired

"I know something is broken and I'm trying to fix it, trying to repair it any way I can."- X&Y

I'm exhausted. Endless tears.

Following her where she went

About five years ago, my Dad had an affair on my stepmum and I was sitting with her in the dark waiting for him to come home.

I was really worried but I just kept quiet- she zonked out and stared into space- we sat like this for a good ten minutes when she suddenly came out of her coma, stood up and said very clearly "I'm going to kill her"

And I panicked and grabbed for her arm [because I was pretty sure that that wasn't some idle threat].. in the midst of my panicky fog I distinctly recall wondering where she had been for those ten minutes to lead her to that conclusion.

Bear in mind that my stepmother and I have nothing in common.

I came home tonight, got into a hot shower and proceeded to space out. Then the thoughts came, angry violent thoughts which reduced me to a shivering crouch. I think if I ever see that girl there's no way I won't cause her any grievious bodily harm- God help her if I'm holding a glass bottle.

I didn't even realise the shower got cold. And I knew where my stepmum had been in those ten minutes. Dark dark spaces.

Material Girl

I feel like shit - so I thought I'd drown my sorrows in material possessions . The Swarovski is from Campbell for my birthday.. and the Hello Kitty MAC is from myself. I always thought that orange lip gloss would make me happier.




---

Oh, and not to forget other things that make me happy. I may as well mention that John Farnham/Coldplay collaboration of "You're the Voice" made me weak at the knees with giddiness. It is cheering me right up. Sing it people!

So cool

So I bought a can of soft drink as I was leaving work- and I opened it not thinking about my drive home with my dodgy cup holder.

The thing with my cup holder is that it doesn't hold.. Things including my mascot Yoshi frequently fall out of it so I'm pretty careful to never buy lidless soft drinks.

Damn.

Well too late now.

A couple of years ago, I watched the beginning of this movie called Initial D. It's full of pretty boys and fast cars- and the first scene involved this guy driving his van around mountain bends while balancing an open tofu soup container thing. If he didn't end up spilling a drop- then therefore he was an excellent driver.

Well why couldn't I approach this in the same mentality? The worst that could happen would that I would be covered in orange soda .. and there are I suppose worse things in life right?

And I wasn't going to chuck the can out after a sip so..

I started off slowly, checking on the can worriedly every few minutes or so. And then I went faster. And faster... change lanes, over-take, change lanes.

And then I was hitting speeds of 130 km/h!

The can hadn't even moved.

I zoomed my way home with superb speed and dexterity [If I may say so myself!]

and I hadn't spilled a single drop.

I am the Initial D of Sydney! Waha!

You have no idea how cool I feel. If I was any cooler, they'd have to give me some sort of award for it.

Something he said

Campbell said to me yesterday "you remember too many things"

This is probably true. But it's never a happy medium. I only remember the most ridiculous trivial things [like PT Barnum once glued a monkey and a fish together to make a mermaid.. seriously I would never use that information. Ever.] or I can remember blocks and blocks of really serious conversation which always ends up making people uncomfortable when I recall it back later.

But to balance it out God has a laugh and has given me almost no short term memory at all [Who the heck is this coffee going to? Why am I holding a coffee?! Oh yeah, I'm a waitress. Oops]

So anyway I've been in an extremely philosophical mood today- I've relinquished control and everything just is. It is what it is what it is.

Today I am thinking about Lighto [where are you buddy?] and remembering something he said to me over a year ago. It went something like this.

M: Ahem. Hey, I have something to ask you and you know humour me because I'm an extremely insecure person and whatnot.

L: [Thinking I'm going to ask him for a kidney.. starts to get a look on his face] What?

M: Look, I know that we're good friends and I'm kind of in a time of need right now and I realise that I'm leaning on you quite heavily... Is that ok with you? I can understand if you're uncomfortable and don't want to say anything.

L: [Relieved] Oh. Is that it? .. It's fine. If I was really uncomfortable with it then I would tell you.

"We're good friends right? At the moment we are good friends, we may not be in the future. But it's ok. Because I'm happy to dedicate whatever time you need to you right now. This whole thing is like fate, you see? We're fated to be friends for a specified amount of time [it could be short or long] and then at the end of it, you move on or life moves you on but it doesn't take anything away from the here and now. So relax. Go ahead and lean on me- I really am ok with it. [He leans over and pats me on the head] by the way, you really are nuts*."

You can't really help but love someone a little more after a speech like that. Even afterwards when I saw him infrequently and he had been reduced to a catatonic zombie type from working two jobs to supply his girlfriend with Louis Vuitton bags, I never resented him because I always applied what he said to what we had. A friendship which had eventually run its natural course. Ships eventually pass each other in the night.

And so I am no longer as sad I was yesterday and a little less sadder than I was the day before and so forth so forth. I've let go. All things in their own ways come eventually to their ends. I had to learn this the hardest way.

Coldplay Ban

Dear Chris,

You know that I still want to have your babies and live with you on a tropical island with a soundstage so you can sing to me everyday.

Mush

--

So Coldplay is in Australia- and I gave away my tickets. Thats right! I gaaaaave away my tickets so right now I am in some sort of pain. I am foetal- it's amazing that I can unfold myself to type this at all. And I thought to reduce the constant angst of hearing Nova [please shut up Nova for the love of God] broadcasting that they are sponsoring their tour 24/7- I would just have a Coldplay ban for this week.

Y'know- it sounds easy. Don't play the radio this week. Don't turn on the tv to anything even slightly commercial [Thanks Tv Gods for having fifteen thousand interviews with them this weeek which I had to avoid- much appreciated] , Don't put your ipod on shuffle [just listen to playlists] and bam! the week should be over and I can crawl out of my closet and not think about their PLANE DEPARTING FOR THE NEXT COUNTRY.

Well it sounded easy enough.

It's much harder than it looks. They play the radio in my bar at work and I had to 'run away' everytime a Coldplay song came on [ie. stand outside and whistle at the ceiling like an idiot] so I would just wait for my drinks and then the first chords of Life in Technicolor would play and I would wail/gnash my teeth outside, count to two hundred then sidle back in. Of course, always just in time for the Dj to gush "aren't they awesome?! They are playing TONIGHT! TONIGHT! Did I not mention they are playing TONIGHT?!" Huh.

And then at some point they played "Vida la vida" and my bartender apparently loves that song so he decided to play it full blast so I had to walk even further away to get away from it and I counted to two hundred and I walked back in and it was still going.

One, two.. two hundred..

Still going.

One, two.. two hundred.

Still going- How the heck long is this song??? Winamp says 4 minutes and 4 seconds but I don't believe them.

I was in serious pain. That was a long shift. I went home and tried to soothe my nerves with some Josh Pyke. Yeah, no. That didn't work

(Digression: The problem with Josh Pyke is sometimes he's an awesome lyricist and sometimes to put it nicely.. he really really sucks and also he sounds the same on the badly written songs and maybe he should try some new chords? See.. I think Josh is a bit twee so he should make good sleeping music and I'll be listening when all of sudden a bad lyric will come on and jolt me out of midway slumber so I have to wake up and yell "What the hell are you saying?!" at my speakers.

For example "I don't want to let you down, so I'm going to buy you a house and a dog and I'll try to stick around". Thanks Josh- you know, for trying to stick around and lumping me with a dog and a mortgage. I will try not to brain you with a frying pan when I see you.

The unexpected anger doesn't make for such good sleeping music.)

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh Coldplay ban, right. Difficult. Much much more difficult than I thought it would be. So right now until.. I think Saturday- I'm on a media blackout- no tv- no radio- just RnB playlists [I'm rocking the hell out of 'Thats the way love goes' by Janet] and definitely no facebook photos. Dear God, please have mercy on my soul and have none of my 139 friends post any pictures since they are all collectively apparently going, or at least make me strong enough so that I can ignore facebook for... two months or something.

And you know, I only have one more day of work where I have to stand outside like an idiot- so hopefully the bartender will feel like some operatic arias instead? fingers crossed.

Then on Sunday I can uncurl myself from this position, look up to the sky and yell "I missed it! so what? So what?! I made it!"

[It's 6:19 now- they will mount the stage at 8. Sigh. They will probably start with Life in Technicolor actually. Crapcrapcrapcrap. I will turn off the computer clock so I don't torture myself all night. Sunday night seems like a long way to go]

I'm clean! I'm clean!

A little while ago [not sure of the date] Mystic Meg came into my room and said "You know I thought you would be different"

And I said "?different? different in what way?"

"Well... I thought you would be more princessy than you are"

".... I'm not princessy at all [but now I think I will be a princess and tell you to bite me!]"

"No, no, no not princessy as in up yourself, but princessy as in take care of yourself better."

"Oh. I think I look after myself fine"

"Yeah you eat alright.. but you need to look after yourself better"

"Um..? are we talking face creams? because I really don't think I should spend more money on that I have like boxes and boxes of whiteners."

"No, I mean like.. look at your room! It could be better"

"I'm renting- I can't paint my walls purple. "

"Nonono, how can you bring a guy over for this?"

".... I'm not bringing anybody into my room.. wait. ARE YOU CALLING ME MESSY?!"

"NO. I'm not making myself very clear am I? You're not messy- you're just not organised"

"... I know where everything is. What are you talking about?"

"I'm just saying you have to look after yourself better- you have great taste- you just have to go that extra mile!"

"I still have a feeling you're calling me messy"

"I'm not. Just throw out everything and start anew. You can have any guy that you want if you tried you know"

"Ok, forget it- I have no idea what you're talking about"

---------

And with this ridiculous conversation even though I have a 37 degree fever and am delirious and talking to walls- I am sitting here on a Monday night cleaning my room. Seriously. My room doesn't even need fricking cleaning.

Delirious with the flu

Lately I've just been incredibly sick with the flu and just unable to function so it was a miracle that I dragged my ass to work this morning.

So I was walking through across the floor when all of a sudden my vision dimmed and I thought "Holy Shit! I'm dying! I'm going to have to try and move towards the light!"

Of course then I realised it was the room and not me, and I felt very foolish. I was relieved to not be dead but I still felt pretty darn sick and not at all that happy to be at work.

Big stupid rock and big stupid weddings

The other day my housemate Mystic Meg came home with a suspicious looking little box for me. She said "Here."
I looked at it and said "Um... should I be worried?"
She laughed and when I opened it, there was a big ol' fake wedding ring in there with an overly large cubic zirconia in the middle [I may be optimistic- it could be plastic]
I looked at it "So I'm finally being proposed to huh?.. What am I supposed to do with this thing??"
She started to laugh and walked out the door "Just make sure the next guy who proposes to you- gives you something bigger than that!
"No seriously, what am I supposed to do with this??"

***

A few months ago, someone I knew was getting married and said to me "Huh, I always thought you were going to get married before me. Shouldn't you have been married like four years ago?"

Me: ..[pissed off silence]..

***

So all of a sudden all these people [about three or four] that I know have suddenly gotten married to their boyfriends of six months. And I'm thinking 'What the hell just happened? Did I suddenly miss a rush on weddings? Is there a two for one on wedding gowns that I don't know about?!Is the apocalypse coming?!!" Not bitter at all. I know.

Ok the noble part of me says "These are my friends/acquaintances! They have found happiness, everlasting devotion and true love!" and the less noble, more petty side of me thinks "There's no way. A year of knowing somebody .. man, I've known people for years and found out that I didn't really know them at all. I doubt, I doubt, I doubt." And then the noble side says "Shut up and stop voicing things out loud."

I mentioned this to Betty the other day about this recent explosion of marriages and she immediately understood by saying what I was thinking- "I don't understand what happened- we were supposed to be first." And then we both looked sad and had to change the topic to hot firemen.

***

Campbell asked me to go to Tiffany's with her today.
"What for?"
"Oh John wanted to know the size of my ring finger"
"Sure chicks, whenever you want"
"I'm going to get married in the botanical gardens.. ! and I can't decide where to hold the reception..."
Sigh. I guess I'm not getting away from the wedding talk.

Blank messages

So my friend and I have this very complicated relationship. He's one of those friends that turn up in and out of your life at the most inopportune times.

So you know you'll have dinner and hang out

and then you'll argue about nothing

and then not see each other for a month

then you'll see each other at work

then hang out.

then argue.

Repeat ad nauseum until finally one of us is bound to go "What the Fuck? This is not healthy! Get out!"

Yeah, ok. So I haven't seen him for four months and now all of a sudden out of nowhere comes two blank messages. That's right, two blank messages. You'd think it'd at least have a dot or something. I'd be happy with a misplaced exclamation mark. A smiley???

So while I'm breaking so many cycles lately- I'm going to break this one too. I am not going to respond and I am going to get my ass out of that casino as soon as I possibly can [barring recession, of course].

I probably would've responded if there had been a smiley. Too bad for him.

Chocolate noodles

Campbell: Have you tasted something called a Spider? So.. yum

Me: A spider? you mean the coke and ice cream thing?

C: No, its chocolate and peanut butter mixed on top of noodles.

M: *Gags.. Noodles? What kind of noodles?

C: Dried noodles, like two minute noodles.

M: Erk. What. Is this another one of those things that western people think that Chinese people actually eat but don't. Like spring rolls.

C: No, silly- it's a party treat!

M: I never want to go to one of your parties!

C: Its not wet noodles like you're thinking, it's dried noodles. Should I make you some?

M: NO! Are you crazy? Chocolate on noodles... *gag

C: But its yum! You melt the chocolate on top in the microwave

M: ....

C: Try it!

M: I never make you eat chickens feet, don't try to make me eat chocolate noodles.

C: That's totally different.

M: No it's not. Ken! Campbell is trying to make me eat chocolate on noodles.

K: Wth? You crazy westerners. You don't put sweets on noodles!

Neverending story meme

.. Well I laughed! [Shut up. It's funny]

Solitude/There's just no way

Solitude.

It's a Saturday night and I'm sitting here blogging. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm learning to enjoy my own company. I think this is a far leap from last year where I would've tripped over my own grandmother to go out dancing and get drunk. I just don't feel the need to get out there and do that anymore. Of course the difference is liability and choice. I now choose to stay home and this decision has nothing to do with anyone else. See? I'm getting my shit together. It's a nice feeling.

----------

There's just no way.

So I had coffee with a senior co-worker about a month back. He was clearly more impressed with me than I was with him. Don't get me wrong- he was a nice guy and we made small talk that didn't make me want to drive off a cliff [which I wager is not the most difficult thing to do]. But as I was talking to him I got some really odd vibes and a couple of paragraphs in- I put my finger on what was bothering me. He had the biggest case of yellow fever I had ever seen.

.	yellow fever
	1. A term usually applied to white males who have a clear sexual preference for women of asian descent, although it can also be used in reference to white females who prefer asian men.

All his friends were Asian. His best friend was Shanghainese. His favourite food was Japanese. He had just come back from Beijing and was about to head off back to Hong Kong or something.

So maybe I was being too judgmental, so I decided to talk to it with my friend who knew him a little better than I did- being his direct underling.
Me: "Hey dude, this guy.... is he a bit... fond of the geisha?"
Friend: "HAHAHA. Totally. He loves his Asian women. If he sees a pretty one- it's like a direct target."

Erk.

Well, if I wasn't turned off before, I was giving him a wide berth now. The smses kept coming and I kept putting them off for another day, hoping he'd eventually just get it and never ask me for anything ever again. I'm busy. I'm going to the dentist. I'm working. I have to get a new bumper [I really did actually- that wasn't a lie]

So anyway I was in the workroom cafeteria and my friend Coffeebrother was giving me massage [and he does good massage] when theguywiththefever walks past and gives me daggers. Well they looked like daggers! Whatever, I'm getting back to the massage.

About an hour later, I'm walking through the casino when he stops me and says "I was going to sit with you at lunch, but you 'looked busy' *finger quotes".
At this point my eyebrows just about lifted off my head. What.
He continues "New man huh? new boyfriend?"
I look at him like the weirdo that he is and say "He's my co-worker"
You can then see his whole body relax and he smiles "Thats good, I have some stories to tell you later"
Whoaaaaaa, buddy. I went for one coffee with you- possessive much?!

It irritated me but I didn't think about it too much. Until I bumped into him in the cafeteria again and he said [in this most condescending voice] "So do you want to sit with me or do you want to go and sit with your little buddies?"
At that point I should've dumped my tray over his head and no-one would have blamed me. Little buddies indeed. I walk off to get some food and he comes and says to me more meekly "Want to hang out?" [It still wasn't as fricking apologetic as I would have liked]

Whatever right? His break only goes for ten minutes- I will only have to talk to him for ten minutes. So he's talking and I'm still seething on the little buddies comment, looking desperately for these little buddies to come rescue me. Huh, they're turning around and snickering- I don't think they're going to come get me. So I'm pulling Bambi eyes at them and picking morosely at the food.
"You're not eating"
"Yeah this tastes terrible [and also you're putting me off my food]"
More small talk.
"You seem distracted today"
"Oh really? [it may be me trying to mentally teleport myself across the room]"
"Well I gotta go.."
"Really?... "
"By-..." He was cut off midway by me flinging myself bodily first across the cafeteria in a nice imitation of a suicidal possum

Blah. Hope he finally got the message. And also hope he finds someone he can talk condescendingly to who doesn't mind. I definitely mind.

--

I was whining about these episodes to my friend Campbell and she cut me off and said "yellow fever? what the heck is yellow fever?"
Me: Someone wanting to date me because I'm yellow
Campbell: You're not yellow!
Me: I am a little bit!
Campbell: Thats a terrible thing to say.. you're more olive.
Me:........................................... Can we get back to the original point please?

Somewhere to make us happy

So Minnie and I are looking for a new suburb to live in- and we thought we'd take a walk around Cremorne

and after walking around for a bit, I think we both thought.. how can anyone not want to live here??

That view is just never overrated. Sun went behind a cloud for a second as I was taking this.

I own the cutest dog in the world. I defy you to disagree with me.

Pretty right? Its all dappled and shadowy. The right amount of summery and spooky.

And when you walk just a bit further there are benches where you can sit down and read. . if I lived here, I'd be on that bench sixteen out of twenty four hours a day [the other eight would be for sleeping and showering]

Sigh, how can you be unhappy living somewhere like that? [Okok I understand that material possessions count for nothing and there are people right now living in those apartments who are being subject to the same nitpicks and worries that us ordinary podunks do and having a nice flat doesn't necessarily make them happier than the rest of us .... annnnd.. I don't care. I want to live in that apartment.]

Yes I do. There's a grandma in the background watching me mopey camwhore. She probably wants me to turn off the flash.

Lets discuss this like adults. Me to you. Human to dog

No, I really value your opinion!

Okay! Looks like we've decided where we're going! Cremorne here we come!

Cupcakes make me happy

I just got this today in the mail for my birthday. It makes me happy.

That book just blew my mind!

As my housemate Mystic Meg was leaving, she dropped me off "He's just not that into you" with the strict instructions to read it. Read it. Read it.

Meh, I looked at the cover and I thought what the hell right? I'll just skim through it and then go back to reading something more.. substantial.

That book took my brain and exploded it into tiny tiny pieces [in a good way]

Look, I'm no mensa genius but I'm hardly Forrest Gump either but it took concrete black and white text to drive the message right home.

If the guy doesn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy makes excuses about why he didn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy doesn't want to hang out with you- [etc etc]

If the guy makes excuses not to hang out with you [etc!]

Here is the bottom line: Guys are not that complicated- if they really want to call you/text you/hang out with you- they will make the time and the effort to do so. If they don't want to do any of those things, they won't- you're the fool for waiting around and excusing it and he's the asshole.

Yesterday I begged someone to stay with me [hooray for dignity!], I was barefoot and in tears and yet he still drove off. And as I dragged my bedraggled ass home, I wondered how I got myself into that situation. What happened to my feminist instincts and why was I in that situation?

Today, now that I've read the book- I realise that all the aborted phone calls, the refusal to stay, the unreplied smses all lead to one basic conclusion [deep breath]: Ta-dah! He's just not that into you!

Apparently I needed it to be spelt out to me like a first grader. At least, it was spelt out.

And I feel much much lighter- much much happier and much readier to get on with my life.

I never thought I'd say this but girls, please go run out and get this book

Standing up

Kowakunai keredo
[I am not afraid]

You don't have to accept everything that happens.

Emotionally Done

So for those of you who read this blog [or talk to me. ever] will know that I haven't had the best week for my entire life. Well ok some of it was good in bits [Thanks Banana!] and some of it was ultra sonically crappy [Thanks Sb. Bang up job there].

Well the negative this week overrode the positive, so here I am on a Saturday night feeling like I've been dragged backwards through a hedge. Absolutely. exhausted.

So here we are, the ultimate party girl has two choices. She can a) join her friends in the city for a 3d horror movie then afterwards go crazy on a dancefloor or b) join her other friend at SoCo cargo [www.Sococargo.com.au] and flail the night away in a giant shipping container.

Annnnnd... there is a third choice, take my tired aching brain under the duvet and stay there til morning.

Fortunately for my friends, I am going to take the third option. I can honestly think of nothing worse than to top it off with ruining their night. Hibernation seems like the best thing to do.

While I've been sitting here, I:

1) switched on my Xmas present dvd and realised the entire series was in a foreign language. Thus rendering me unable to lie there unmovable watching glamorous people backstab each other for forty eight hours. Fuck. Well I could but theres a good chance I'm not going to know what the holy frick is going on.

2) heard an ice cream truck drive by my house about ten times. Back and forward. Back and forward. At first.. it was cute and made me want ice cream. The other nine times... dude, it's raining. I'm on a suburban street covered in townhouses. Who's going to let their kids out to buy sweets?? Give it up, I'm begging you.


Ok. Going to bed. Hope next week is better.

The Resilience of Stars

So yesterday I mentioned how I [by reason of not very temporary insanity] threw my mementos into a fire. This included an entire jar of origami stars.

Now to me, origami stars are very sentimental and when I'm folding them I only think of good thoughts and best wishes towards the person I'm giving to. They are miniature dollops of love in a jar and to fill up a jar .. well it means I love you very much.

So when I threw these stars into the frying pan [pot], I had to sit down and stop for a bit because it was making me so overwhelmingly sad*. And logically my brain was saying that it was ridiculous to feel sad about folded paper when other people in the world are having their eyeballs scooped out, but it all just felt like a giant waste.

Anyway so I dumped the ashes and filled the pot with water and left it in the sink overnight.

When I came back this afternoon not looking forward to an hour of scrubbing [the drawbacks of home bonfires] I poured the water out and a few surviving stars swam into my sink. I ignored them thinking they were going to slide down the drain. Fifteen minutes later, they were still sitting in my sink despite the constant strain of tap water pushing them to wherever leftover food goes to die.

That was enough, I scooped them up.

I don't know if it's the paper or my kick ass origami skills [or even love! keeping them alive!] but these seven stars have survived a fire, an all night soaking and then my kitchen sick. And they are all intact, singed- slightly soggy but intact.

I know sometimes I often give excess meaning to inanimate objects.. admittedly I anthromorphisise everything.. but I am taking this as some sort of sign. To not give up. To take whatever life throws at you and come out the other end slightly burnt but ok.
I will give these stars to someone I love and explain to them why these particular stars mean so much to me and hope that they understand [everything not just the arson bit]. Right now, they're sitting in a bowl next to my monitor drying out.

*Ironically, if I had cried tears it would probably have put out the fire thus saving the stars much pain

All Gone

I stood there today and over a flame I burned photos, letters, mementos. Dizzy with rage, I watched all the empty promises and lies disintegrate into puffs of smoke. In the end, all I was left with was a pot full of ashes.

History wiped clean.

8:19

Ok, not so clean. Who the fuck knew there I had so many fricking photoes lying around?? Everytime I turn around theres another one on a wall or under a table. I can't very well start a fire everytime I see one right? And throwing it in the garbage doesn't really have the same effect. So at the moment my house is full of overturned and empty frames. Have you ever seen a charred origami star before? Its the saddest sight when you pick one up and it crumbles in your hands.

Sad summer days

I haven't seen DarkAngel for over a year since he broke up with Mexicana, but I had to go to his place to pick up his guitar for my party.

So I turned up and he still looked the same, I tentatively asked him how he had been and he said that he hadn't been having a very good year.

So we would stood on his porch and talked and I was surprised by this sudden sense of loss.

The four of us Mexicana, DarkAngel, SB and I would never go back to those days- bright summer days of so many possibilities. We no longer have the comfort of those dinners and that company. Each of us having gone our own separate ways. The loss of that kind of easiness.

I remember the petty fights and the irritations, angry partners stalking off and stony silences, the inability of any of us to pick some place to eat. But after all that, there was the laughter- the laughter was almost at a constant level and when it stopped we made our own, we told jokes, we danced in the street, we amused ourselves any way we could.


And so I felt a little more than a twinge as I left, it was an extremely pretty day and I couldn't think of anyone I really wanted to share it with. I called SB but he didn't pick up.
"You're crazy Mush" and I slapped myself upside the head.

"Crazy notions of past happinesses are interfering with your ability to drive! So you have to sack up and wipe your eyes because you're swerving! Crossing! the! line! Eeeeek!"

I was happy to get home and just be miserable on my couch without endangering any pedestrian lives. It really was a pretty day.

25 Random Things

1. I can't draw straight lines which is why I almost failed technical drawing in high school [almost!]

2. I like wearing really bright colours, so on a day when you catch me wearing black- it's a really good idea to steer clear.

3. I like driving people home.

4. I can't click my fingers and make a clicking noise. It makes a dull whoosh sound instead. I must have flat fingers because it makes people laugh when I try.

5. I want to drive across Russia. I haven't found anybody to support the idea yet because they're too busy worrying I'll be kidnapped by [Russian] bandits. Or eaten by wolves.

6. I think four years of catholic school actually did me some good ethically.

7. I have a really good head for useless trivia- I think I would be good on the show "The Rich List"

8. The first time I ever snuck into a pub was when I was seventeen. It was the Orient at the Rocks- I've never been back inside since.

9. If I had Paris Hilton's money, I would also probably buy close to the same amount of clothing. I would not however buy seven chiuhuahuas.

10. I had a nose piercing and have a tattoo because people told me not to. I would probably jump off a cliff if you told me not to.

11. My supervisor once said I act like a robot. It didn't make me serve customers any less robotically.

12. I breathe a sigh of relief when my friends tell me they read they read this blog .. which leads to..

13. I think my blog should be more famous than it is [ha!]

14. I can recite the dialogue between Jack and Rose of the Titanic right before he floats off and dies

15. I am scared of hairballs, cockroaches and the dark.

16. I think my dog is a feminist because I am a feminist.

17. I think that there is more to deja vu than just a brain spasm.

18. One of my goals was to sit on the Wheel of Fortune wheel and spin around. In my heart of hearts I don't ever think it will ever really happen.

19. On my break at work, I like to go to the harbour and stare at the fishes and jellyfish. You will often find me with my shoes off on the edge of the wharf.. which leads to..

20. I often worry about dropping my shoes in the water and having to explain to my supervisor why I have no shoes

21. If I correct your grammar it's only because I care!

22. I never ate pork buns again after watching that movie on the killer who turned people into buns and sold them in his restaurant. I was eleven. It was my fault for watching it when I knew I wasn't supposed to.

23. My new favourite song is Paper Planes by MIA. I turn it up really loudly in the car and it was always freaks out whoevers driving next to me [especially old people!]

24. Cucumber soju always makes me really drunk and always has disastrous consequences.

25. This list was already produced on facebook. I'm sorry if you're doing a re-read. I will post some pictures of my birthday tomorrow.