Random randomly bits.

I’m back after two weeks of computer breakdown. For awhile I was having computer withdrawals- I bought seven books. It helped some.

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Two weeks ago, I was standing in the bar with Lucifer and I started teasing him about his new girlfriend.

He looked at me and said very seriously “well I wasn’t going to wait for you forever”

“Oh? Someone said that the exact same thing to me last night. Word for word. Is there a male handbook on how TO TALK TO ME?! A book of LINES perhaps?? Am I supposed to respond to all of it in the same FRICKING WAY??”

He started to tremble a little bit and I began to feel like I had kicked a lame bunny or something. [Crap. I can’t even outburst anymore]

Finally I relented. “Oh fuck off. I don’t even care that much. Go be happy”

“Well I am happy but I’m not.”

“Lemme guess, you like the girl but she likes you more and now you have an obligation to date her?” My eyes started doing a little roll towards the exit.

“Hey yeah! That’s amazing! How did you know?!”

“Handbook.”

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So I was heading to my car and there’s a low wall next to the stairs when I saw this black kitten walk towards me, he propped himself up standing on this low wall so all I could see were a head and two paws and then he inclined his head at me. I was a little bit in love with him- he was that cute. And God knows I don’t generally love cats so I called him towards me [after he had finished inspecting me, of course] and I gave him a hug before I went to work.

I didn’t think he would remember me the next time when he crossed paths again [I presume that’s dogs memories are better?] but he came up to me, looked up and said “riowr!”. I do believe “riowr” is cat for hello. I honestly have never met such a good natured cat. I’ll miss him when I eventually move.

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I was walking Minnie and these two little schoolkids crossing the road stopped and waved hello at her before they continued on their way. Talk about gestures that break your heart.

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I was at this party and I didn’t want to sit inside and singstar [besides the fact there was this girl hogging the microphone and I didn’t want to eventually smack her on the side of the head with it] so I sat down outside with some boys. I figured that I’d get some deep revelations about how men really are. Turns out that I was expecting Plato over a beer and uhhh.. I got nipples, cocks and cars [I did meet a guy who does study philosophy the other day, I suppose he also discusses nipples with his friends instead of the meaning of life].

So I was kind of enjoying the conversation when this guy I vaguely know wandered out onto the balcony as well. As I was listening he turns to me and says “They’re just talking like this to turn you off.”

I could only turn and give him my most withering glare.

And then he says to me “Can you cook?”

And I reply “Of course, I can”

“Oh. I didn’t expect that you could” .. before I have time to register this insult, he continues “Women who can’t cook buy shoes. And women who can cook don’t buy shoes.”

I’m so blown away that I can only stare at him with my mouth open, when I finally manage to say something, it comes out strangled.

“And what about the women that manage to buy shoes AND cook? Thanks for your idiotic gender commentary. Now please fuck off.”

He shrugs “I’m only being honest”

Robbie next to me has never seen me so angry. And I’m slowly inching my fingers to take off my shoe to lob at this fuckhead. He pushes a bottle of moscato in my hand [not even with a straw or anything!] and says “drink this.” He then turns around and says to that pig, “Shut the fuck up. You’re not even making any sense.”

There’s a lull in the conversation and the topic goes back to nipples.

Boy 2# :Well, let’s change the topic shall we!.. so David.. how do you manage to move your nipples?

David, fuckwit extraordinaire: Well you can eventually manage to move them through pushups. If you do enough push ups then you can move them!

Me: Ok, that’s it. Your body looks like a sack of potatoes. Push ups. What push ups? You’re full of shit. How do you manage to be so full of shit?

Boy 2#: Aheeheeheeheehee

David: Whatever. Let’s go to McDonalds. Who’s up for McDonalds?

Yuk. Don’t ever let me see the guy again I will totally bean him with a frying pan [the one I apparently don't use!]. I told my girlfriends about it as I was driving home and the consensus was ass. Total ass.

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Chrissy started moaning at me the other day "Mush! I need to get laid!"

I stared at her for a beat "Chrissy. You have a boyfriend. When did you last get some?"

"Last night."

.."I haven't gotten any since November! Are you serious?! You're complaining to the wrong person! You're complaining to a starving person that your pizza has too much cheese!"

"Ahahaheehee.. yeah you're right."

At this point Campbell walks in and Chrissy starts her spiel again. "I neeeeeed toooo geeeeettt laaaaaaid"

Campbell looks at her and says "Chrissy. My boyfriend is overseas. Suck it up."

"I will. I will."

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I feel better lately. I feel like I'm breathing more regularly. Not falling to pieces. Progress.