Night time is the hardest. At night I lie awake and I am pegged with insecurity, anger, longing. At night I visualise situations back and forward in my head, I rewind-erase, rewind-erase until I fall into a twitchy [hypnic jerk] sleep, and in my dreams I'm always arguing, continuously explaining. Even in my sleep no-one listens. At night staring at my ceiling, I wonder if I've made ripples in anybodys lives and if any of these lives would be duly effected if I was to go away, I always come to the same conclusion that life would still go on and the earth would still revolve- if I was ever brave enough to do it I would do it. I worry that my friends worry about me.
In the daytime all this goes away. In the morning I warm up and I do my thing. I tell myself that everyday is a new day. I laugh and I make phone calls. I go to work and I ask "How do I look?" and people can only shake their heads at my ego-centricities and say "ugly- real ugly today" .. Lucifer looks at me and says "You are gorgeous. You look sensational". It's a shallow ego boost but it helps, it helps me to sway my hips just that little bit more- to lift my head just that little bit higher.
By evening, I am in full swing. I am fabulous and everyone knows it. I truly truly feel fine that I will make it not just to tomorrow but to the ripe old age of eighty five. It's life! It's here for the taking!
And then night comes and as I get ready for bed- all these niggles, these worries, these rewinds and regrets come flooding back and I stare at the ceiling before I fall asleep*
*I was feeling so good this afternoon, I felt absolutely amazing. But now it's 12:58 at night and for some reason I'm not holding it together. I would blame it on the rain but I don't think that's it. Seasonal affective disorder. Maybe.
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