Well there are three probabilities a) there are gremlins/elves- that type of thing b) someone is actually entering my house and playing with my stuff or c) I'm losing my mind to a giant spiral vortex which manipulates my reality by making everything circular. [Thanks Junji Ito!]
Let's take a punt on A.
About a week ago, I was hungry and looking around for my can-opener to open a can of weiners but no matter how hard I hunted for it- I couldn't find it. It's a big white can opener.. it's not a particularly easy thing to lose. At some point during my search I considered that Mystic Meg might have taken it during her move home and I was about to call her up and abuse her for running off with it [what? I was hungry!]. I gave up and made myself a sandwich instead.
Yesterday I opened the drawer and there was the can opener sitting there as big as day. What. The. Fuck. It was incredibly strange but at least now I could open the weiner can.
About a month ago on my birthday, Mystic and I were discussing the weeds in my yard.
Mystic: You know it'd be a whole lot easier to weed if you had a shovel.
Me: Yes. [Gets down on my hands and knees and starts pulling out weeds]
Well today I thought I would stop being lazy and go out and weed again because Minnie kept coming back with burrs and the yard was starting to look somewhat embarrassing.
Oh, and by the way which dickhead told the world that gardening is a relaxing pursuit?? [Stupid Frances Hodgson Burnett. Probably never planted a thing in her life. *grumble]
So I went out there and I was surveying the damage when I noticed a shovel in a pot. There was a shovel. In a pot. Where the heck did this shovel come from? Um.. thanksbe Fairy Godelf? for the shovel? [Ask and ye shall receive.. gardening implements.]
I pondered it for a bit, well clearly it wasn't Mystic's- because then we wouldn't have had a discussion on how hard it was to weed with your hands. And it wasn't Sb's because he hasn't been back for donkeys years much less in my yard and anyway it wasn't there last time I was in the yard.
Erm. So gnomes? gremlins? helpful burglars? Am I going cuckoo?
*speaking of weirdness, I was on the pavement when something whizzed past my ear and started to hover around my arm. It was a bee. Odd not only because my yard has no flowers to speak of but it was about to rain as well. I looked at it and I said to it very calmly "You may like to sting me, but if you sting me- then you will die. However I know someone who hates bees who doesn't work very far away from here, and if you sting him on the nose [or if you can reach- in the crotch], you'll get infinitely more satisfaction dying like that than from me on the arm."
It hesitated and I pointed drily "That way". I blinked and it disappeared over the wall and from my yard. I didn't even know I was a bee whisperer extraordinaire. [By the way talking to bumblebees is not definite proof that I've lost it. We will discuss when we have definite proof]
No comments:
Post a Comment