I figure this is the last time I talk about this. It’s finally resolved.
She once asked me “So what do you guys do when you go out?” and I said “We throw in as many things as we can in one possible day. On an average day, we will drive to point B, head back to T, stop at LC, go to P, there’s nearly always a macaroon run .. and that’s like in the space of 4 or so hours. “ I thought about it for a bit, “It’s as if we’re dying and we need to stuff everything in.”
She started to laugh. “Holy shit lady.”
Maybe in the back of our minds, there was an unspoken expiry date. I guess some things are supposed to be bright, short sparks of light. And I really have so amazing memories, just thinking about it makes me stop and smile a bit, that maybe it was good that it ended where it ended so they can’t be dulled by other things.
I saw him for the last time last night, I had a helluva hard time looking him in the eyes, but maybe if I had looked him in the eyes, I would be not be doing as well as I am this morning. A conscious decision to forsake ache. We started as friends and we finish as friends. And now it’s time to truly truly let go.
The other thing I noticed during the past five or so days, is the tremendous amount of support that I’m getting from everyone. Firstly, I never doubt that my friends are there but they have really come through and I’m just fkn astonished - from taking my 4am phone calls to round the clock messaging and just general check-ups, even from people I don’t know that well.. There’s never been a time over this past week when I’ve felt actually alone and like I couldn’t reach out to someone and that is.. I can’t really express my love and gratitude in words.
Secondly, the thing that’s getting to me and is really just making me weepy like a child is the kindness of strangers. I think I already mentioned the upgrade from the young guy at the rental place. When I walked downstairs to my car last night I bumped into my neighbour and he asked me how I was doing. I really have to stop with this whole transparent face thing. I replied “Could be better.” And I gave him the briefest of rundowns.
Pretty much without any hesitation at all, he said “Forward me your resume and I’ll pass it onto HR, we’re always looking for people.” He ruffled around in his bag and gave me his business card. “That email would make it easiest.” And I was stunned. I think I kind of stammered some thanks, if I didn’t start away at that very second I was going to flood inner coastal NSW with tears. As I walked off he called out “chin up, tiger.” Like he was Mary Jane and I was Peter Parker [I could by dying of cholera and I’d still appreciate a good comic book reference. Sigh. Nerds.] And I couldn’t help it – I had to smile. The unbearable kindness of strangers.
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