It's on my mind and in my palm

We were sitting in the coffeeshop and she asked me how I was doing.

I pushed my tea away and looked at her

Read my palm lady, you tell me.

Mystic Meg picked up my palm and tilted it the right way. Whats going on in your lovelife? Are you dating?

I shook my head.

Well who is that? There’s someone there. You’ve known him a long time and he’s going to be around for a long time. That line is deep and it’s unbroken. She shook her own head. You sure no-one’s around?

I’m sure.

Well if you’re not dating them now.. do you have a friend you’re not taking any notice of? Maybe it hasn’t happened yet, but this person is something like the one.

She peers at my palm some more. You also have lots and lots of extra men around. There’ll always be extra men coming from all directions, but they’re all short and nothing compared to this line. Most of these extras come from work. Watch for co-workers.

There was a time where there was two men in your life?

I nod.

She continues, That’s long gone. It’s completely broken. So don’t worry about that anymore.

She looks at me. This line isn’t SB? Are you talking to him?

Of course not, what crazy talk. That’s gone forever.

Well whoever this is supposed to be will come through soon.. God, you really liked everyone you dated hey?

I shrug. I’m soft like that.

She finished going through my career and then she settled to ask me what was going on. I gave her a condensed version [two sentences!] and I could feel her anger start to spike at dangerous levels.

She tapped the table “Men in Sydney are so fkn selfish, they’re all about themselves. Did you notice that? They say everything is 50/50 but they’ll spend more on alcohol than they will on you.”

I feebly protested “That’s not necessarily.. true… I uhhhh..” I never considered that actually. Was that true? Was it the opposite the other way around as well? I spend a helluva lot of money on my nights out as well.

And then the conversation took an eerie and familiar turn. I didn’t think that if I heard this speech again that I would hear it from her.

“Mush, you’re so naïve. You think that no-one is out to hurt you and that everything is going to be fine. But people are going to hurt you. You just haven’t been hurt bad enough yet, you have no idea what it’s out like there.”

I was going to protest that wasn't true but I couldn’t find my voice.

“The men out there? They’re fked. They’re gonna play the game so you better be prepared… and you know they’re going to make you feel bad about yourself but you shouldn’t feel any of it because you’re clear. Those cunts out there, they should be the ones with the guilty consciences. ”

The anger and despair was palpable. She wasn’t addressing me anymore, she had turned inward.

It started to rain outside.

“Protect yourself Mush. Don’t make the same mistakes twice. You’re going to be successful one day and this will all be nothing.”

--

I’ve been thinking about it since this afternoon [the fireworks just started outside] and you know what? I still believe in love and I still believe there’s someone out there for me. It’s just trial and error until I get there. For sure, I don’t doubt that I’ll be hurt a hundred more times before I find him but I think that person will have made all the hard times worth it in the end.
So maybe I’m an idiot [and I think Mystic Meg and Mexicana should form a ‘Mushisanidiot’ tag team] and once more I’m going to wander out into the world unprotected for something that might not possibly exist. But what can paeans like us do but try?