Play Ball!

So Bear and I were messing around in the cafe yesterday and we thought we would amuse ourselves by talking in code. However at the conversation went on it became less of a code and more of a really longwinded sports metaphor.

Me: The ball is in his court!

Bear: Yes, it is in his court. You are no longer holding the ball

Me: I don't want to hold the ball!

Bear: Well, he's holding the ball and he's going to woink you in the face with it!

Me: So we're playing dodgeball? I haven't been woinked in the face yet

Bear: No, the balls are whizzing right past your head

Me: ..

Bear: You're in the game! This is a game!

Me: What game??

Bear: Whether you like it or not, you're in the game! And I'm the audience.

--At this point, a co-worker walks by and gives us funny looks

Me: Oh, so you're on my side?

Bear: Yes, but I think to some degree he's right as well.

Me: You make a crappy spectator, how can you just switch sides like that??

Bear: I'm a uninvolved spectator, I can switch sides anytime I want, but don't worry I'm cheering for you!

Me: Well thanks. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. I've never played this game before.

Bear: I can see. You think you're playing tennis but actually you are playing dodgeball. You are standing in the middle of the field not knowing which game you're playing. There are things flying by your head and you look puzzled!

Me:.. Well I'll find out next week won't I? Next week will be half time!

Bear: Or second innings. Hopefully, for you there will be no second innings.

Me: Game called on account on rain!*

Customer [confused]: Boy, you two are quite the sports nuts!

*Yes, this is how we talk at work. We have to find new ways to amuse ourselves

Guess what I'm [not] drinking?

Last week I was at dinner with my parents and I had decided to give up soft drink, I had succeeded for about a week [six days?] and by the time dinner came around, I had massive coke cravings.

After a while I started to stare longingly at the bar and their coke fridge, when my mum asked me what was wrong.

Me: I'm giving up soft drink, I really want a coke. Bottled coke....mm..*trails off into misty silence

Mum: Oh, is that all? Just order one!

Me: Err.. I'm giving it up.

Mum: I'll order it for you!

Me: No!

Mum: How about diet coke? fanta? lemonade?

Me:...

And then last night my mum and stepdad show up with a sixpack of coke in their hands. For me.
what? I can't drink that! Of course SB automatically says: I'll drink it! while I give him death stares. I'm starting to think my parents are soft drink enablers. I will blame them when the enamel from my teeth is missing.

I am sitting in front of my computer staring at this bottle of coke deciding whether I should drink it. Damn.

Dancefloor injuries

So I was at the Argyle on Friday night. I started to walk up the stairs and I must've passed an idiot woman wearing the worlds longest skirt [to a bar. Ok...] because as I passed her I stepped on this highly inappropriate skirt and I felt myself sliding backwards and because I was on her skirt, she was also propelled backwards and our heads went KA-DUNK.

Holy Mother of Og. That really hurt.

I just cradled my head and kept walking, not looking back to inspect the damage. I'm thinking she probably thought some random stranger punched her in the head. It would be likely if she kept wearing wedding dresses to a rowdy lounge.

---

I talked to my [new! brand new!] boss today and he is also down for the count, he apparently did his ankle in on a disco dancing injury. A disco dancing injury. I didn't ask but I'm imagining massive flailing. And possible spinning. It's much funnier in my imagination. Although I'm not really one who should be laughing since sometime in the last two months I've elbowed a midget in the mouth and headbutted a woman in a wedding dress.

Compulsory work blogging

For the highly observant, yes I've jumped forward in time and am posting on a Friday slot on a Thursday night. What will happen if I post tomorrow.. will it be Friday on blog time or it will have jumped to Saturday? I think I just broke time-space. For the non-observant [and the people that don't care] you can totally disregard that last paragraph.

So I went to a work interview today [for work experience] and apparently one of the conditions of ..staff entry was that all staff have to maintain a blog! well strike one for me! Hooray!

Oh, and also he'd like to make sure that I'm writing in the blog. About the company. Oh crap, now I'm under pressure to write something really nice and constructive. Hey Nick, if you're reading.. nice hat?!

What am I going to do if I need to vent?! I going to need a separate [secret] blog for work venting. Ah crap.

Or I could just moderate the whiny-ness. That could work. [Millions of people around the world suddenly wept tears of joy]

No really, it looks like a really cool company. I'm very happy to be working for them*

*I'm not sucking up. Shut up.

The deluded Lattanzi's and the housing crisis

So I was watching a youtube clip of Matt and Chloe Lattanzi [respectively the ex-husband and daughter of Olivia Newton John] don't ask me why I was watching it, I just was.

So goes this little bit of hilariousness

Chloe: [stressed because she has to sing a Britney song in front of an audience]
I just want to be alone! far away from everyone judging you. Everyone judges you!*

Matt: [completely po-faced] This is why I live in a teepee.


WAHAHAHAHA

Oh, Matt. Matt. Matt. We judge you more because you live in a teepee.

*I'm paraphrasing, there's no way I'm watching that crazy weepy shit again

Mush is a doofus #45454093094

While making coffee:

*ching* I hear money falling onto the floor and being the good citizen that I am, I say to the couple standing in front of me

"Excuse me, I'm not sure if you heard but I think you might've dropped money on the floor"

The guy smiles at me and picks it up.

Later on when he orders coffee, I realise that he is actually deaf.

Whoops.

My weeknd in mathematical numbers

Things I gained and lost over the long weekend: [Lets pretend I started off Thursday with 30 points]

-Lost dignity on George Street -20 points

-Lost sim card also on George Street- 5 points

-Borrowed a tremendously cute costume +10 points

-That costume had a missing zip and the skirt kept falling down -5 points

-Was having fun at work +15 points

-Sb's workmates were nice and sociable +10 points

-Didn't drink at all [I couldn't], so they thought I was soft -5 points

-I think I forgot to say goodbye to the birthday boy. Whoops -5 points

- Another night and no drinks -10 points [well there was minor drinking but I was still in recovery from Thursday]

- Dylmahs friends were also nice and sociable [although one of them was so boring, I almost cried into my vodka red bull.. but she was nice] I'm lucky all the people this weekend were friendly +15 points

- Dylmah apologised for not coming with me on Thursday and I never get apologies from him [they're like fairy dust] so +5 points

-But then he broke my camera! -15 points.

-I really did like Moulin Rouge. That was some funky club +10 points

-I left early -5 points

-St Marys Church is actually quite cool at 3:30 in the morning. Its peaceful +5 points

- Work was hell on earth and I scalded my hand and cried into people's coffees. Salty. -5000 points

End result: -4970 points. God, work always ends up ruining my weekend. Damn I was coming ahead as well

When I think about you I touch myself!

So I was running late to work this morning and to get to work I need to cross the Darling Harbour bridge. Normally this bridge is packed with tourists but it was wet and cold and generally blah.

So I'm huffing and puffing by, when I spot this girl [aged about thirty, short haired, European] walking past and there was something odd about her..

Holy Shit, her hand is down her pants and she's going at herself!

For the undelicately eared among you. Holy Crap, she's masturbating!

Good thing there were not too many tourists around, they might have taken photos.

Europeans are such exhibitionists.

So I get to work and I'm deeply deeply disturbed. Look I'm all for open sexuality and public discussion of sexual taboos, but there are some things I don't want to see, and lady you rubbing your coochie is one of them.

I've gathered my co-workers around and am relaying my coochie woes.

Co-worker1: She could just be itchy!

Co-worker 2: It was cold today, maybe she was just warming her hands

Me: Her hand, and no.

Co-worker1: Maybe she was adjusting her underpants.

Co-worker 2: Maybe she was adjusting her menstrual pad.

[Long pause]

Everybody: Ew.