Why I miss my car and why I hate bus guards

I miss my civic. I seriously just want it back so I can pat it lovingly on the bonnet never to part again.

So I was waiting for the bus this morning and my bus didn't show [as it does] so I got on the next bus which read CITY. It was not my normally numbered bus and I was a bit worried that it was going to do a gigantic detour through north Queensland before heading into the city. So when we got to Macquarie Centre, I decided to do the sensible thing and stick my head out the back door and see where the bus was heading.

As I moved my head and half a foot back in, the bus driver started shrieking like a banshee.

"BACKDOOR! SHE'S COMING THROUGH THE BACKDOOR!" [of course not many banshees drive buses but I digress]

and then a whole bunch [maul] of guards came and were like "Get off the bus!" and I'm "I have a ticket!"

So I got off the bus and dickhead guard 1# says "Give me your ID, you're copping a hundred dollar fine for coming through the back door"

".. But I have a ticket!"

"It doesn't matter."

Seriously getting huffy at this point, I dump my bag on the bench and pulled out my ticket.

The guards pass it around each other incredulously [like it's a hallelujah Jesus miracle] and say awedly "She's telling the truth"

By this time, I'm in borderline hysterics I am about to kick them all in the nuts with a swift roundhouse kick.

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LIE TO YOU?!!!!"

And then they all awkwardly shuffle around and look at their feet.

Dickhead guard 2#: Look, people lie to us all the time. Out of a hundred people a day, only one will tell the truth.

Dickhead guard 1#: Its a sad inditement of society.

[I put my head in my hands, I'm getting a headache]

Dickhead guard 2#: Don't get upset.

Me: [In my best refrigerator voice] why would I be upset?

Dickhead guard 1#: I've crossed your name off in my book! No fine!

Me: Thanks [fuck you, buddy]

Dickhead guard 2# Are you late for work?

Me: Yes [no thanks to you, your cronies and the shrieky bus driver]

Dickhead guard 2#: well, look you didn't have the ticket in your hand

Me: [death stare]

Dickhead guard 2#: Errr.. we'll put you on the next bus. No charge.

And that is why I miss my car and I hate bus guards. So bus guards are maligned and everyone lies to them. So they act cynical and condescending in return. They deserve a good swift kick to the nuts.