Fiveoclockitis

Some people suffer from Mondayitis and some people suffer from Threethirtyitis [Thanks advertisements] and I have something called Fiveoclockitis.

Here are the symptoms of Fiveoclockitis.

-At exactly Five o clock for the last week I have felt really really mopey. It only lasts for fifteen minutes and is inexplicable

- It happened once at eleven o clock also with nothing preceding it.

Here is how it goes down

4:59 Lalala! All is right with the world!

5:00 .. what is this feeling?

5:02 .. are those?.. are those violins playing in my head?!

5:03 man, I feel shite.

5:06 :stares at computer screen:

5:08 ... This had better not be a regular occurence

5:08 45 seconds I hope my manager is not watching me. Maybe I should start looking more productive

5:10 :stares at computer screen:

5:11 Hmm.. violins are fading.

5:14 Shit! I have forty five minutes and seventy thousand things to do it in!

5:15 :frantically working and typing like a mad person. V productive:

And thats .. fiveoclockitis. I can only put it down to my sugar high wearing off by five- I have no other explanation for it [of course I could just be going mental. I can't account for the violins]

Weekend in Pictures

Clearer became my mind than I could say
Baby baby you’re the world to me

- You're the World to Me- David Gray

Two signs of the upcoming apocalypse

The phone rings at night

Mush: hello?

Coffee: Hello!

Mush: what the?

Coffee: Sorry to wake you!

Mush: What time is it?

Coffee:Ten to two. I have so many things to say sorry for, but you should go back to sleep now otherwise you can't sleep. Sorry, sorry.. sorry for other things.

Mush: You called me to tell me to go back to sleep??? And what. Now I am awake.
What are those other things which you are meant to say sorry for?

Coffee: you know.. sorry.. for not calling you back and stuff. Really sorry. My friend came over .. [very very long story which I could not be bothered to type out] and you know now everyone thinks that I'm dead. So sorry.

Mush: Or that your thumbs are broken. You've said sorry about sixteen times in the last two minutes.

Anyway it was not a very long conversation but I was not expecting that. I expected him to call back around the time the horsemen were flying across the sky.

Sign of the apocalypse: 1- that was one weird ass random phone call

Sign of the apocalyse: 2- Waking up to this.

Yeah, I slept somewhat terribly and I woke up to sirens and the room was tinged in an orange tint. I rubbed my eyes .. Is this some sort of mutated sunrise? And the sirens didn't stop. They were just constant. [And they are still going on as I type.]

For the record my water view is no longer a water view but an orange fog view

And who is the first person I call when I think that the world is ending? SB.

Mush: Tell me is the world ending or what? Why the heck is the world this colour?

SB: No, it's just dust.

Mush: Oh thank God.

Mush, her cousin and that arthouse film.

The problems with my friends and not that I don't love them to itty bitty pieces is that I often have trouble finding one to watch an arthouse movie with. It really is difficult when you want to go watch Synedoche and then you get dragged to say... Marley and Me or Wanted. And then if you manage to convince them to watch an out-of-the-way film- you spend a helluva lot of time glancing sideways making sure they're enjoying it and not bored out of their skulls.

I guess that's a plus to having a boyfriend- they have to sit through all of the bizarre films that you make them watch without [very much] complaint. I guess now is the time to say I actually find all of Wong Kar Wai's movies really boring. *Ducks* And SB, if you're reading this- I'm sorry that I made you sit through all of them, including and especially2046.

Anyway I totally digress.

So I had my eye out on the new Lars Von Trier movie The Antichrist and just judging by the trailer I figured the chances of me seeing it with anyone I knew were less than three percent.




Right? Right.

However my cousin Matty just flew home from London and I knew I had my victim.

Mush: I really wanna see The Antichrist! Lars Von Trier! Genital mutilation! Willem Dafoe and ass!

Matty: Oh, I heard about that. Er, no.

Mush: Please? please?

Matty: Oh ok. What the heck- I'm desensitised to that kind of thing.

Mush:Yay! On second thoughts, are you sure you want to see it with me? Is it the type of movie that you see with your cousin?

Matty: [starts to laugh] it probably is not the type of movie that you see with your cousin!

Anyway hooray! I found someone who wants to see it with me! That's like gold dust! I should buy a lotto ticket. I think I'm going to do a little dance- the first dance in the history of the world for a Von Trier movie.

[** Its not at the cinemas yet. Boo. But I'll keep you posted]

How and how not to start a conversation: a comparison analysis

Here is how to start a conversation:

Stranger Man waves to me

SM1: Hello!

Mush: Hello.

SM1: Do you remember me? I'm the guy who tipped you five thousand dollars the other night.

Mush: I don't work nights and I don't have five thousand dollars!

SM1: oh maybe it was some other girl.. haha I'm just kidding. I just wanted to have a conversation with you and get this type of effect.

Mush: and what effect is that?

SM1: To have you stand here and talk to me. Otherwise I don't think you would. You're very beautiful.

And so the conversation continued..

Let's clarify for a bit- firstly SM1 was not a good looking guy but wow. his confidence was beyond phenomenal, geez, look what you can do with a little self esteem. And secondly, I knew I was being conned- come on guys I've read that book too-however, however am I still being conned if I know and I enjoy it?

---

Here is how not to start a conversation [four hours later]

Mush gets into a lift with three other men, SM2, a janitor and a dealer. [Haha, that sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.] No-one is talking.

Stranger Man 2 [smiles at me]: Hey Elizabeth, hows it going?

Mush: Sorry?

SM2: [mimics my intonation] sorry? [rolls his eyes to the janitor] God, why are people so boring today?

The janitor is looking at him quizzically. I'm trying not to punch him in the head. The entire lift is .. angry silence...

I get out of the lift and mumble.. "Douchebag" which is not really the most eloquent thing I can say-but is probably the most appropriate.

Morning Song- Errant Dog

And you know what kind of day it's going to be when I wake up with this song in my head

Have you seen that dog?
I've got to get him back
I had him tied to a tree
but he keeps getting out

He's probably running loose with the bitches
And when I catch him I'll give him some stiches
Oh I love him so much, aw, that stupid bitch is mine.

Errant Dog (Woo-oooh!)
Errant Dog

(Uh!)

They're talking down at the spa,
Now the word is out.
God damn I look like a tool,
when he goes running around.
I'm gonna take him on court TV;
Show the world what he's done to me
Oh I'll drag his ass back home, yeah, where that ass belongs

Errant Dog (Woo-oooh!)
Errant Dog

(Uh!)

He's my everything; he means the world to me
He's my hopes, my dreams, my general property

Sometimes I wonder why I put up with this shit
If I could I would become a lesbian
I know I said dead or alive but really,
Dead is fine.

Just bring him back, yeah.

Errant Dog (Woo-oooh)
Errant Dog

Thanks Ben Folds. Your pissiness is contagious

The kindness of strangers

I am almost close to the worst parker in the world. I for some reason have no perspective and cannot measure distance and so parallel parking always breaks me into a cold sweat.

Parallel parking on a hill gives me nightmares.

I live in a neighbourhood filled to the brim with Douches. Rich Douches. And everyone here owns two cars so parking is an apocalyptic shitfight.

A couple of months ago I was trying to park on the hill and I was close to tears because I had moved my car in and out about twenty times, a woman jogging past came up stood on the sidewalk and started guiding me and when she had finished she jogged away.

I to this day want to send her flowers.

Last Monday I was on another hill and I was trying to reverse when two men carrying rollerblades walked past. One man put his rollerblades down turned around walked behind my car and started guiding me as well. At one point my car started rolling backwards and he said "You don't have anymore room- you have to stop going backwards" and I said "I'm not. My car is rolling."
So he went and got a rock, put it behind my wheel and said "Ok. Now go."
When we were finished, he picked up his rollerblades and left.

Today I went to my doctor and told him I was stressed and overworked [I was telling this to a doctor. Um. He should've told me to shut it] and I needed help in getting that Hellpit to give me dayshifts. He looked at me sympatheticaly [and not telling me to shut it] asked me if I really needed to work myself into the ground.
I weakly replied "rent?"
And he nodded and said if I ever needed any help with the hellpit, he wouldn't hesistate to help me- don't worry about making an appointment just come and knock on my door. Here's my card- call and make sure I'm here.

I was gobsmacked. He sees seventeen billion people a day, most with cases umpteen times more serious than me and instead of shoving me out the door with his foot [which I guess I wouldn't have blamed him for if he did] he went above and beyond his hippocratic oath.

Sometimes life is terrible and people are mean and sometimes people are diamonds.

Thoughts for the morning

- I finally know the difference between Eau De Toilette and Eau De Parfum

- I didn't know that Uzbekistan was a muslim country

- I would like a pink tie to go with my pink work shirt. Preferably a hot pink one. I would look awesome

- How come I never have any freaking time in the morning??

-If my mum is worried about my love life- she should stop buying me granny panties

-I love finding out people I know have blogs.

-Do you think crystal earrings are too ostentatious for the office?

Work in the News

"Ivy, Star City on violent venue list

ALEXANDRA SMITH

September 9, 2009

JUSTIN HEMMES'S mega-club, the Ivy, and Star City will have to enforce 2am lockouts and will need to serve alcohol in plastic glasses from midnight after being identified as two of the most violent clubs in the state.

Under the new liquor laws, clubs or pubs with more than 19 assaults will also be forced to stop serving alcohol for 10 minutes once an hour after midnight or provide free water and food for 10 minutes every hour after midnight. They will also be required to have extra security measures, will be banned from serving shots, doubles, mixed drinks that have more than 5 per cent alcohol and will have to customers to four alcoholic drinks per order."

I fully expect to go in and see boxes and boxes of plastic cups. You can still do a lot of damage with plastic cups. Plastic cuts are not much fun and you can still doink someone in the head with a well-timed lob if you so choose. Plastic cups... classy.

Mixed drinks that have more than five per cent alcohol. So that disincludes any type of expensive vodka then? Or indeed any type of vodka? So we're reduced to serving... Passion pop with lemonade? Midori? This will get interesting. We should probably invest in those little straw umbrellas, that will help soften the blow for people when they see how pretty their drinks are.

Free water and food for 10 minutes every hour after midnight. AHAHAAHAHAHAHA.. I'm glad I don't work at midnight when I figure they'll have us passing plates of donuts and tap water to every greasy ass patron that walks by.

Great Thanks!

When people ask 'how are you?' I feel obligated to say 'Great Thanks!'.

But I guess, we're on my blog, my little stomping territory so I can say whatever the heck I like.

Random reader: So, how are you today?

Mush: I feel awful. I can't understand why chicken takes so long to cook. I have a semi permanent lump in my throat at night time just trying to repress everything. I haven't done laundry- I'm running out of work shirts to wear. It was hailing last night-I'm pretty sure no-one was worried for my safety as I dodged giant golf balls. I think that if I died, I would not leave that much of a Mush shaped hole in the universe- in fact, I think the people most put out by it would actually be the casino. And that's just because they would have to scramble to replace me. It makes my eyes roll into the back of my head just thinking that the people who would miss me the most would be my mum and.. my crappy supervisors..

So Great! Thanks!

That's as funny as I'm going to get tonight, so you may want to stop reading. Right. about. now.

For twenty six years I've been a people person, but this year I've been hurt and rejected so many times, especially by those who profess to love me- that I'm feeling a little bit numb. If I was more lucid and less tired, I would probably develop some sort of complex.

I'm no longer a people person.

I don't know if that's a good thing- all I know is that I'm getting to be more and more like my Dad. I would rather stare at the ceiling than engage in conversation. I would rather go for a drive than go to a party. I still go out when my favourites make me- but more and more I just pike.

I'm much more quiet and seventeen times more cautious. If I was ever watchful before about people hurting me, I'm more on my guard than ever before. And it's not that good a feeling. It's very tiring.

I feel exhausted

There are some really nice people in my life who reach out to be friends with me and I know that they would be awesome friends, but I don't want to do it. I don't have simply have anything left in me to be burned. So I ignore their invites and their overtures, and I feel guilty.

Here's what I want out of life at this very moment:

What I really want to do is just lay on the grass with Mexicana and talk about nothing.

I really really want to talk to Sb, but right now I'm so mad at him that I feel nauseous just thinking about it. So I push it down to my lungs and I exhale. Inhale. Exhale. In. Out.

I must be spoilt because I get a lump in my throat just thinking about how I can't do these things. And I realise I should suck it up because truly there are worse things and worse problems in the world. But for a long while, the two of them were my world. So.

I'm still looking for something to replace those poles and the only thing that seems to be helping is this whole staring at the ceiling business.

Happy Fathers Day!

Today I'm feeling a bit miserable but I'll only be miserable for one day! Tomorrow I will suck it up.

Mush: So Flick, it's Fathers day! How are you going to spend it?

Flick: My fathers gone.

Mush: Oh, where'd he go?

Flick: He's dead.

.... Cue awkward silence....

Mush: Hey Mel, isn't your fathers overseas? Don't forget to call him today!

Mel: I hate my father, I'm not going to call him. If I was ever going to send him something I'd send him a bullet. That's pretty metaphorical isn't it?

Mush: ................... it.. sure... is....

After this I refused to ask anybody anything. Bah.

What I mean and what I say

"Look down the ground below is crumbling
Look up the stars are all exploding

In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside."
- Last Day on Earth, Kate Miller Heidke


It's a pitch perfect day, the sun is out and there are no clouds. We're sitting together on the wharf and I'm picking at a bun I've bought. The water below is a clear green and I can see right into the waving seaweed.

We're sitting an appropriate distance away from each other.

I turn to him and say: Let's run away together. Let's get up now and catch a plane and we'll never have to exit this bubble that we've created. A bubble that only contains me and you. And for the rest of our lives, we can sit here exactly like this.

--

But I don't say this. I offer him my bun and I mention that I'm late for work. I stare into the water and I wonder if I would be able to swim if I jumped in. My hightops would probably drown me.

--

There has to be a limit of tears that you can cry for someone. For some reason, I'm not even close to my limit.

--

People ask me lately all the time if I regret. I always say no. But hindsight is always twenty twenty. What would I have done better?

--

He turns to me and says simply "ok, let's go". When I open my eyes all I see is water and grass.

Figuring out what I am via facebook

Well I was clearly bored and I thought I would take a facebook to quiz to amuse myself. The quiz was called: Are you Korean, Japanese, Chinese or None? You know, in case I couldn't figure it out myself.




The end result is that I'm Chinese! Go me. I think my parents have some explaining to do.

Some of my favourite people in the worlds smallest studio apartment