DAY 1: BANGKOK. OMG.
First impressions of Bangkok [and this is coming from the views of a firmly middle class citizen from a firmly middle class country] this place is a mess. Well ok not to the state obvious or anything, lets just quote from the hallowed halls of U2 and be done with it
"The traffic is stuck and you're not moving anywhere"
The traffic here is sensationally insane, crossing a road has a Wile. E. Coyote feel to it, oh sure it misses you now, but sooner or later you're going to end up under the wheels of an anvil/rock/tuk-tuk/motorcycle/hot pink taxi. Dying in Bangkok is not really the way I wanted to go [mid orgasm with Harrison is really my preferred option] so the only real way of avoiding this is convincing yourself that your side of the road is the better side, never mind that it looks like air conditioning on the other side. Your side is better.
And I don't know what they're saying about Bangkok being a prostitute mecca, but I haven't seen a single one let alone been propositioned by one. It's quite disappointing.
Also that King is bugging me. Get out of my face.
DAY 2: BANGKOK. WE'RE STARTING TO ADJUST!
So today was started off at the legendary Khao San! It really wasn't that legendary. Or maybe we were there too early and everyone was asleep [we were still on Sydney time. Bangkok Time? 6 in the morning] except a few drunk backpackers and go-go girls playing pool. Who plays snooker at six in the morning?
Anyway we decided to do something slightly more spiritual, we would visit the temple.
See? Pretty temple and me committing all sorts of sacriliege inside [ and outside] the temple.
Questions that occurred to me inside the temple.
1. OMG. I have a wedgie, should I pull it or wait til I get outside?
2. Why does Buddha have nipples but no genitalia?
3. Will SB kill me if I ask him now?
[Answers. 1. Just pull it, be zapped later.]
Also I got the thrill of seeing a smoking monk, here you can see the picture. I just love it. So after we left the temple, I took my first and last tuk tuk ride. Sorry guys, but never again. ever. If you've ever sat in the back of a tuk tuk without a seatbelt with the driver mowing you into incoming traffic and you think that it would be fun to do it again, you are not doing it with me. Happy tuk tukking to you.
To get out of the heat, we headed to MBK centre! Air con! Woo! Its seven levels of shopping madness, the only thing to avoid in MBK centre is the cult of primary school cheerleaders, really, I don't know what else to call them but they march around in big groups, with their faces painted afterwards they'll stop abruptly and start stomping and singing. It's really bizarre. I don't know if I can really convey to you how bizarre it was, but my ovaries died just a little just watching. [actually I can think of an analogy, its kinda of like the haka in a shopping centre, but miniaturised]
To get out of the heat, we headed to MBK centre! Air con! Woo! Its seven levels of shopping madness, the only thing to avoid in MBK centre is the cult of primary school cheerleaders, really, I don't know what else to call them but they march around in big groups, with their faces painted afterwards they'll stop abruptly and start stomping and singing. It's really bizarre. I don't know if I can really convey to you how bizarre it was, but my ovaries died just a little just watching. [actually I can think of an analogy, its kinda of like the haka in a shopping centre, but miniaturised]
Too much shopping can be hazardous
Day 3: BANGKOK: MIDDLE CLASS MISH
So we got up early because our bodies still hadn't adjusted Bangkokially, its nine in Sydney and five in Bangkok, think about it, it's still dark outside. So we thought we would head up to the world famous Chatuchak market. Kilometres and kilometres of markets, kind of like Paddys' on acid. It was seven o'clock in the morning and it was *hot. It was starting to get very very steamy, not much was open but already it was starting to smell rank. The outsides were ok but the insides were 'hold your breath people, your eyes will start to water' rank. We were there for maybe forty five minutes before we couldn't do it anymore.
So guess where we went? This is how I know I'm so firmly firmly firmly middle class, we headed to a designer shopping centre. Tiffanys! Cartier! Gourmet supermarkets! [I'm sorry I can't help it, air conditioning excites me]
Look at the chips! Have you ever seen so many of the chips in one spot other than in a warehouse? The entire supermarket was like this. Sigh. I could've slept in that supermarket.
That behind me people is a fishtank. A fishtank in a food court. I'm so happy [and decadent].
DAY 4: SORTOF BANGKOK: THE TOUR
I've never been so dusty in my life. I have to tell you by the end of the day I didn't really want to see anymore temples. Temples are pretty, but you can overdose on them. Like drugs.
Me and Sb didn't want to see temples after that for a longlonglonglong time.
See that horrendous yellow shirt? I was made to wear it so I wouldn't show off my scandalous western shoulders. [Don't worry you can see my shoulders in other photoes]
Day 5: PHUKET: WELCOME WELCOME
So we left Bangkok, I couldn't tell you if I missed Bangkok or not, but I was really looking forward to lying on beaches and doing nothing. I don't know what I was expecting of Phuket really. I was expecting it not to smell so much actually and I expected the traffic to be better. You can still get run over in Phuket. I think I was expecting Port Macquarie [and that is what happens when you read too many travel brochures!] We went to the beach, Patong beach to look around and it was positively stuffed with people, it wasn't exactly the quiet retreat I was expecting. I think I may have walked around the rest of the day with my face pinched into an expression of lemony sourness. [you know that look!]
DAY 6: PHUKET: OH YOU CRAZY KIDS
Sooo today we decided we would get away from the mass migration of fanta coloured europeans and take a motorcycle around Phuket, maybe find our own secluded beach and just sleep. Ok, we were silly and foolhardy and did I mention theres traffic in Phuket? And that SB has never driven a motorbike before? oh, and that Phuket is full of HIGHWAYS? Ahh that, you'd think I would think about that before I got on a motorbike with an amateur. Hrrr, obviously the heat was melting my brain. Well the first part of the trip was fine, we biked it to Karon beach which I have to say was perfectly beautiful and there was a real lack of people [hooray!] but when the time came to leave.. lets explore? why not? driving a motorbike on a Phuket highway is nightmare inducing, things are [including babies on harleys] constantly whizzing by you, trucks are honking you, buses are trying to overtake you. I have to tell you I am so proud I never let out a single "eeeeeeeee" possibly I think because my face was frozen in terror and couldn't move any muscles, but still that is besides the point.
We did end up in a mountainous rainforest up the top of Phuket that was really nice, however it said "Do not feed the monkeys, they will bite" There were no monkeys, there were dogs but no monkeys. Oh and some kindly guy stopped us and told us to take off the motorbike brake while we were driving. [yeah, we're amateurs. got it.]
DAY 7: PHUKET: BREASTS! BOYS! SEX!
Admittedly, I do not have really large breasts, they're never going to be the size of my head but you know I have a little bit to work with, but not so much that I'm ever going to put anyone to shame [geez, that was a convoluted way of saying not very big, not very small] but in Phuket apparently my knockers were blocking out the sun. That or Thai girls have no breasts.
I was walking down the street [in a button down shirt, mind you, not a bikini or a singlet] and some guy looked down my shirt and he said "wow". Wow? What wow? Excuse me creepy guy, buy a magazine. Or a dvd. There's lot of them in Thailand. Later on that night I stopped into a lingerie shop, y'know just for looking and I asked the saleswoman [or it might've been a man] "excuse me?" as I pointed to a bra that was probably a minus minus A "do you have anything bigger?".
She/he then hooked her finger around my top looked down my shirt [There's a lot of peeping going on in my shirt!] and said "we don't have anything that big"
I have to say I goggled at her "nothing?"
She pointed at a lone black bra swinging in the breeze at the top of the store.
"Only that one".
That was one lonely b-cup. Needless to say I goggled my way out of there, but not before having a conversation with my chest about how long we could stay in a place that didn't sell bras for anything larger than an a-cup, we couldn't.
DAY 8: PHUKET: AUSTRALIA DAY
So its Australia Day, and SB and I being the patriots that we are thought [after a long day sleeping at the beach] that we would stop by at 'Two Black Sheep' and have a free shooter on the Australians, after all it is our duty!
Hmm.. We got there and harassed the barlady for cocktails we turned around and surveyed the floor. It was some really sad shit. Aussies getting drunk everywhere [which is of course, our international mission] done to a supremely dodgy dance floor with some really supremely dodgy music. Okie doke, I love my country and I would die for it, but you will nevernevernever get me drunk enough to dance to "I am, you are, we are Australian" complete with hand movements, or ummm.. "Tie me Kangaroo down sport" complete with wobbling effects or.. "Pub with no name" [how do you dance to that? huh?!], there are limits to what I will do for my country! So SB and I sculled our drinks and left to watch a Thai drama on tv about witches and zombies, it was infinitely more entertaining than watching everyone falling about to "I still call Australia home".
DAY 9: PHI PHI ISLAND: IT'S PRETTY
What can I say? I think I'll just post some pictures. Very pretty.
DAY 10: PHUKET/BANGKOK/HONG KONG
We spent most of the day taking planes. Goodbye Phuket! Goodbye! SB said he would miss Phuket, but I don't really think I will, I'll miss the holiday aspect of it.. but I dunno, theres not one point of it that I would say "That is what I would miss" and actually genuinely regret leaving it. I'm just glad I'm going where the shit isn't going to hit my feet!
What can I say? When we arrived at Hong Kong I felt like I was coming home, not SB however, his expression was similar to mine when we reached Phuket. Its called "Whatthefuckhave Igottenmyselfinto" face.
DAY 11: HONG KONG: I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!
Really I don't have much to say, other than I love it. Even though the people are ruder than .. well there's not much they are ruder than [nazis? fast food restaurants workers? angry lions?]
I feel mostly that if you leave them alone then they will leave you to do your thing as well. However, SB is miseeeerable in Hk, after the habitual Thai politeness, he is going through some extreme culture shock punctured by bouts of "I hate this place!". Me, I can only shrug then turn around to stare at some more shoes.
Well he doesn't look too unhappy, maybe I should've made him stay longer.
All I can say is wowwwwwwwwwww.. its like New Years Eve everyday.
DAY 12: HONG KONG: DISNEYLAND. HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!
Well ok, It was and it wasn't. But I guess it makes a funny anecdote now.
Anyway I wanted to take a photo with Chip n'Dale. [Everyone here knows Chip nDale right? Of course. Whats wrong with you, if you don't??] and so I handed the camera over to the photographer, however the camera didn't quite reach his hand and it went dunk-thunk-ba-dunk all over the floor. So SB and I and the two chipmunks stood over the camera and examined it [in a deft piece of irony I wish someone had taken a picture of us four studying it] of course there was a queue forming for Chip n'Dale so they had to stop trying to fix the camera [with their paws] and so I started to leave in my distress because nothing could be done to save my brand! new! camera!. But before I left, Dale took my hand and gave me a reassuring hand/paw hold and a sad sad nod. I have to say that was the nicest Chipmunk I ever met.
Stitch was very nice too, I'm thinking that the characters practice their handshakes in their sparetime [after conjuring up magic rats and running from bad guys or something]
DAY 13: HONG KONG: GOODBYE! GOODBYE!
So its with a heavy heart, that our holiday finally ended, with our skin four shades oranger than it used to be, two suitcases full of clothes that we still haven't worn and a completely ruined camera. I need another holiday! Doesn't it look like I need another holiday?
I've never been so dusty in my life. I have to tell you by the end of the day I didn't really want to see anymore temples. Temples are pretty, but you can overdose on them. Like drugs.
Me and Sb didn't want to see temples after that for a longlonglonglong time.
See that horrendous yellow shirt? I was made to wear it so I wouldn't show off my scandalous western shoulders. [Don't worry you can see my shoulders in other photoes]Day 5: PHUKET: WELCOME WELCOME
So we left Bangkok, I couldn't tell you if I missed Bangkok or not, but I was really looking forward to lying on beaches and doing nothing. I don't know what I was expecting of Phuket really. I was expecting it not to smell so much actually and I expected the traffic to be better. You can still get run over in Phuket. I think I was expecting Port Macquarie [and that is what happens when you read too many travel brochures!] We went to the beach, Patong beach to look around and it was positively stuffed with people, it wasn't exactly the quiet retreat I was expecting. I think I may have walked around the rest of the day with my face pinched into an expression of lemony sourness. [you know that look!]
DAY 6: PHUKET: OH YOU CRAZY KIDS
Sooo today we decided we would get away from the mass migration of fanta coloured europeans and take a motorcycle around Phuket, maybe find our own secluded beach and just sleep. Ok, we were silly and foolhardy and did I mention theres traffic in Phuket? And that SB has never driven a motorbike before? oh, and that Phuket is full of HIGHWAYS? Ahh that, you'd think I would think about that before I got on a motorbike with an amateur. Hrrr, obviously the heat was melting my brain. Well the first part of the trip was fine, we biked it to Karon beach which I have to say was perfectly beautiful and there was a real lack of people [hooray!] but when the time came to leave.. lets explore? why not? driving a motorbike on a Phuket highway is nightmare inducing, things are [including babies on harleys] constantly whizzing by you, trucks are honking you, buses are trying to overtake you. I have to tell you I am so proud I never let out a single "eeeeeeeee" possibly I think because my face was frozen in terror and couldn't move any muscles, but still that is besides the point.
We did end up in a mountainous rainforest up the top of Phuket that was really nice, however it said "Do not feed the monkeys, they will bite" There were no monkeys, there were dogs but no monkeys. Oh and some kindly guy stopped us and told us to take off the motorbike brake while we were driving. [yeah, we're amateurs. got it.]
DAY 7: PHUKET: BREASTS! BOYS! SEX!
Admittedly, I do not have really large breasts, they're never going to be the size of my head but you know I have a little bit to work with, but not so much that I'm ever going to put anyone to shame [geez, that was a convoluted way of saying not very big, not very small] but in Phuket apparently my knockers were blocking out the sun. That or Thai girls have no breasts.
I was walking down the street [in a button down shirt, mind you, not a bikini or a singlet] and some guy looked down my shirt and he said "wow". Wow? What wow? Excuse me creepy guy, buy a magazine. Or a dvd. There's lot of them in Thailand. Later on that night I stopped into a lingerie shop, y'know just for looking and I asked the saleswoman [or it might've been a man] "excuse me?" as I pointed to a bra that was probably a minus minus A "do you have anything bigger?".
She/he then hooked her finger around my top looked down my shirt [There's a lot of peeping going on in my shirt!] and said "we don't have anything that big"
I have to say I goggled at her "nothing?"
She pointed at a lone black bra swinging in the breeze at the top of the store.
"Only that one".
That was one lonely b-cup. Needless to say I goggled my way out of there, but not before having a conversation with my chest about how long we could stay in a place that didn't sell bras for anything larger than an a-cup, we couldn't.
DAY 8: PHUKET: AUSTRALIA DAY
So its Australia Day, and SB and I being the patriots that we are thought [after a long day sleeping at the beach] that we would stop by at 'Two Black Sheep' and have a free shooter on the Australians, after all it is our duty!
Hmm.. We got there and harassed the barlady for cocktails we turned around and surveyed the floor. It was some really sad shit. Aussies getting drunk everywhere [which is of course, our international mission] done to a supremely dodgy dance floor with some really supremely dodgy music. Okie doke, I love my country and I would die for it, but you will nevernevernever get me drunk enough to dance to "I am, you are, we are Australian" complete with hand movements, or ummm.. "Tie me Kangaroo down sport" complete with wobbling effects or.. "Pub with no name" [how do you dance to that? huh?!], there are limits to what I will do for my country! So SB and I sculled our drinks and left to watch a Thai drama on tv about witches and zombies, it was infinitely more entertaining than watching everyone falling about to "I still call Australia home".
DAY 9: PHI PHI ISLAND: IT'S PRETTY
What can I say? I think I'll just post some pictures. Very pretty.
DAY 10: PHUKET/BANGKOK/HONG KONG
We spent most of the day taking planes. Goodbye Phuket! Goodbye! SB said he would miss Phuket, but I don't really think I will, I'll miss the holiday aspect of it.. but I dunno, theres not one point of it that I would say "That is what I would miss" and actually genuinely regret leaving it. I'm just glad I'm going where the shit isn't going to hit my feet!
What can I say? When we arrived at Hong Kong I felt like I was coming home, not SB however, his expression was similar to mine when we reached Phuket. Its called "Whatthefuckhave Igottenmyselfinto" face.
DAY 11: HONG KONG: I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!
Really I don't have much to say, other than I love it. Even though the people are ruder than .. well there's not much they are ruder than [nazis? fast food restaurants workers? angry lions?]
I feel mostly that if you leave them alone then they will leave you to do your thing as well. However, SB is miseeeerable in Hk, after the habitual Thai politeness, he is going through some extreme culture shock punctured by bouts of "I hate this place!". Me, I can only shrug then turn around to stare at some more shoes.
Well he doesn't look too unhappy, maybe I should've made him stay longer.
All I can say is wowwwwwwwwwww.. its like New Years Eve everyday.
DAY 12: HONG KONG: DISNEYLAND. HAPPIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!
Well ok, It was and it wasn't. But I guess it makes a funny anecdote now.
Anyway I wanted to take a photo with Chip n'Dale. [Everyone here knows Chip nDale right? Of course. Whats wrong with you, if you don't??] and so I handed the camera over to the photographer, however the camera didn't quite reach his hand and it went dunk-thunk-ba-dunk all over the floor. So SB and I and the two chipmunks stood over the camera and examined it [in a deft piece of irony I wish someone had taken a picture of us four studying it] of course there was a queue forming for Chip n'Dale so they had to stop trying to fix the camera [with their paws] and so I started to leave in my distress because nothing could be done to save my brand! new! camera!. But before I left, Dale took my hand and gave me a reassuring hand/paw hold and a sad sad nod. I have to say that was the nicest Chipmunk I ever met.
Stitch was very nice too, I'm thinking that the characters practice their handshakes in their sparetime [after conjuring up magic rats and running from bad guys or something]DAY 13: HONG KONG: GOODBYE! GOODBYE!
So its with a heavy heart, that our holiday finally ended, with our skin four shades oranger than it used to be, two suitcases full of clothes that we still haven't worn and a completely ruined camera. I need another holiday! Doesn't it look like I need another holiday?
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