On a friendship implosion

I wasn't going to write about this because briefs and census forms stand in my way, but I guess I kind of want to document this because I'm learning a lesson from this- I'm not sure what kind of lesson exactly.

When she and I met, we were both extremely young pups. She was 19 and I was 21 and I guess we were kind of mismatched friends from the start. She was extremely glamorous and I was.. how I am now, a bit bumbling and goofy. If I look back in hindsight, we really didn't have that much in common other than that we were both isolated in what was a very very crap workplace.

And I think we were both disliked for completely diametrical reasons, she was maximumly confident and people resented her for it while I was the deer-in-the-headlights and someone had apparently pinned a kick me sign to my forehead, whatever it was, we bypassed that place and we've been friends ever since.

Through break-ups , career changes, birthdays and early twenties angst. We orbited around each other.

Until this year. This year it's been incredibly strained and I can't pinpoint why. Well I guess I can give a whole host of varied reasons from busy lifestyles to basic geography to just plain ol' growing apart but none of those things were the main reason or maybe they just combined to smush our relationship into the ground. I have no idea.

Two weeks ago, the entire friendship fell apart so fast that I gave myself whiplash watching it crumble. And the thing is? I don't know why [or how I contributed ] into making it happen. That's right- I have no idea what brought us together in the first place, what killed it or how I'm supposed to fix it. Essentially, this is a post full of giant question marks. Someone please buy me a clue.

And then I think if that's the end, it cannot have been that strong in the first place. That if no-one reaches out to the other, then no-one thinks that its worth saving. And ladies and gentlemen, thats one damn sad place to be.

I don't know about her, and I speak only for myself here, when I say, I am exhausted. I am really really tired of navigating relationships and when I think about all that time I spent in my misguided youth chasing around 'friends' who didn't want to actually be friends with me (not that I"m saying that she's one of those) but I want to slap my past self up in the head. Yeah, that's right past self, why the hell were you so damn needy?

I think I don't want to ruminate on this anymore after this because it just makes me too upset and there's no answer, I just keep going around in laps arriving at no conclusion at all.