I'm not defeated.

"Tongue – tied
Talking to my feet
When there’s nothing better than self-defeat
I stop – stall
Try to stand tall
When whatever I say means nothing at all"
- Talking like I'm falling downstairs/ Sparkadia

This afternoon the rug was pulled right out from under me. I finished up with my job and then I lost my boyfriend.. somewhat in the space of approximately three hours. They both vanished into the ether and I fell down the rabbit hole. Completely discombobulated. Grasping to make sense of the universe, the reasoning behind it and it just eluded me.. like I was trying to hold onto a doorknob that I could not get my hand around.

And here's what I got out of it: sometimes you don't ask why. If you ask why [and why now? and why today?] to an answer that will never come, you are going to make yourself mental. Sometimes the universe just doesn't have a fucking reason and possibly we're all just bits and bobs, slamming into each other at random intervals. God probably doesn't have a plan for everything, and if he does... he's keeping it pretty damn well hidden, hopefully he'll let us figure it out later.

And thus the conclusion to all of this, after hours of analysing and re-analysing, I came out of my discombobulation coma and I'm okay. I will not lie down because of today. I just won't. In my defiance [and my ridiculously rebellious nature] I know going on will be the ultimate fuck-you, and I know myself and I know how good I am at my job, I'll take this as a setback and aim for something better and a little higher [seriously, what if I gave up on my career because I let it? What would happen? Nothing, they'd tsk tsk .. and who loses? Me, that's who. Because I'd be on the dole and eating instant noodles for the rest of my life.]

And as for the other one? I let it be. I will never let anyone damage me ever again. That's never going to happen again if I live to see 100, so anybody who thinks that they can blow in and out of my life and just think it's okay to leave a great big mess- Don't expect .. love and civilty. You underestimate my tolerance for bullshit.

And that's all folks. Going out and going to get on with it.