400kms and 6 hours

So pretty right? No photoshop involved and done on my dingus camera.

He once said to me: If you don’t want to date someone, you’ll always find a reason not to date them.

I guess so hey?

So if I wasn’t going to take a one way to Hong Kong, I was going to drive off into the ether for a bit.. and I was ffs not going to tell anybody because anytime I even vaguely mentioned it, I had my head bitten off. I think people had vague notions of a) me ending up in a Wolf Creek type situation with my head on a pike or b) losing my way and driving into a canyon.. even though I’m pretty sure there are no canyons within a 600km radius.

I really really needed to clear my head and there was no way I was going to do it bouncing off the walls of my studio, so off I went to the car rental place. [I felt so disloyal to my Civic but there was no way I was going to take it into the desert or wherever I was going for a little soul searching.]

The guy behind the counter looked at me and said ‘Big day huh?’ and I drily replied ‘I have no job and my boyfriend dumped me so just driving.. away.. from here.’
He just looked at me a little more without saying anything and I wondered if maybe he had probably heard every sob story in the book already. I mean come on, it was a car rental place in the suburbs.. every 2^nd person coming through there had probably been in a pile-up, a smash-on, or was attempting a Thelma and Louise. It was not a tourist spot.

I went to the car to fetch something, and when I came back, he said very gently “We’ve given you an upgrade.” I think if I wasn't giving him big wet eyes before, I was giving him big wet eyes after.

They had replaced the sedan I ordered with a big mofo SUV, and as I gingerly climbed in there.. well let’s just say I climbed in there. I was really not used to being so high, I’m used to lowered cars and being close to the ground. I felt like I was going to squash people with it, I passed a Ferrari and I was something like three times its height. It was good and safe and totally turned me off [if the hippie in me wasn’t already turned off] ever buying an SUV. The side mirrors were bigger than my head.

So for the first few hours I just spaced out and just drove, and it really is therapeutic. You just kind of hit a blank and go on auto-pilot. I once told R6 that and he freaked out ‘Isn’t that equivalent to micro sleeping??! I really don’t like you doing that.’ I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t tell him that when I do it, I can’t remember it afterwards either. I probably squashed a few people in my time.

And you know after a while, your head comes back to earth and you start noticing things and figuring things out.

The world is ridiculously big and pretty, and you can drive and drive and never be able to traverse all of it. So in no way, are you the centre of it and anytime you feel your problems are too big, you should go out and take a look at it- because you are one miniscule lollipop. Everything will work itself out eventually and even if it doesn’t.. we all turn to dust and ash at some point, so maybe you shouldn’t spend so much time worrying. That’s obviously much easier to do and say in a moving car than in a workplace, but it’s true.

Yesterday I messaged him for his reasons for the split and he gave them to me. [Messaging! I will never reach adulthood at this rate.] And when I saw them I was fit to be tied. There was much swearing and cursing and rock-throwing.
Yesterday, I thought they were unfair and invalid and I was going to tell him which way to go .. [left.]. Today, I still think that those reasons are unfair and invalid but I’m just … what’s the point really? I can probably call him up and argue those points til I’m blue in the face, but what is that going to achieve? Absolutely nothing. This relationship will still be an extra-special car crash no matter what I say because I think the world is round and he thinks it’s flat. So.
And you can’t make someone date you who doesn’t want to date you, he’s right, you’ll always find reasons not to do it. And I guess to make it work, you need two people who want it to work and not one. So maybe I’m not so much hurt anymore, I still grieve but that can’t last forever.
Some of the shock has worn off and I guess I can think about it more logically.

The moon in the country is big and full and yellow, and it’s just something amazing to see. When you drive back into Sydney, the moon for some reason or another becomes very small and very white.

400km, 6 hours and lots and lots of [much-needed]perspective. And I still have the SUV for two more days, but I figure I don’t need it anymore. And I think I have my equilibrium back.. I think it's back.