*Names withheld for my safety. If you come by this, don't kill me. No-one knows its you! Unless they decide to process my elimination and then I'm stuffed but I never write here anymore so I'm thinking that no-one reads it? Hm.
[They've just started dating]
She: He's calling me by an animal name already! I'm doomed!
Me: What's that? Puppy? Kitty? Piggy? My neighbour calls me Tiger. I find that really attractive. I don't know why. I'm a bit demented. So what is he calling you?
She: Turtle. Awkward turtle.
Me: .............................................................. I thought turtle was a euphemism for penis in Chinese. You know the turtle head kinda looks like a penis head...... and... and...
She: Oh my God. What. are. you. trying. to say.
Me: He's Chinese and he called you a turtle... albeit an awkward one. I uhm. Hm. Let's drag another friend into this to solve this shall we!?
Me: What's with this whole turtle=penis thing?
Him: A turtle pulls its head back into its shell like a penis pulls itself back into uncircumcised skin.
Me: Wow. Graphic. Is the whole turtle=penis thing a country specific thing or is it say regulated to one county?
He: It's one county
Me: And it's not his county! You can relax! You're just his darling turtle!
She: That's just spiffing. He didn't affectionately refer to me as his awkward penis.
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