Adulthood

And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
- I Try, Macy Gray

When you're young, no-one ever tells you that acting like an adult requires effort.

I don't want to be the bigger person, I don't even necessarily want to be the kinder person

I will not begrudge someone for caring less for me than I do for them. The temptation is there though.

Welcome to age 28, it's all about extending your hand through your misgivings [of which there are too many].

Happy CNY!

[Back for a minute] Happy Chinese New Year everyone. May your year of the rabbit be filled with love, family and lots and lots of food.

Listen to your parents, be kinder to your friends and take your fortune cookies with a grain of salt.

Hiatus

Whatever it is, I lost it and I don't know where to find it. And I give up trying to write about it. I've been staring at the screen for like two hours now and I can't even muster up decent rage.

So universe, do with me what you will. I give up.

Going to take a break from the blogosphere. I'm not dead folks, but I really need some time out.

Apply to reapply

And this is how I know I'm turning into my mother.

In the car I turn around to Campbell and say "sunscreen?" and she refuses.

When we get to the beach, I offer it to her again. Nope.

We're on the Bronte walk and I give her a "put the sunscreen on" lecture and she breezily replies "Don't worry, I won't burn" [I have on good authority that she will burn because you know I've seen it.]

And then this triangle pink patch starts forming on her shoulder like the beginnings of the Bermuda Triangle.

Lady, you are roasting! And now she starts to believe me.. so she obediently applies.. but I'm thinking it's too late.

She looks concernedly at her shoulder. I think I'm burnt. This is your fault. And then I turn into my mother: I TOLD YOU TO APPLY! and if you complain to me about how much it hurts, I'm going to push you over the insanely pretty cliff.

I hate you. I hate you more.

We head to the beach where I flop over onto my stomach and start reading and Campbell sits on her towel and starts people watching. Our snark radars are up, so we talk about bad tattoos, people's bodies and of course, the sunburn. There are a lot of people with really really bad tanlines.. it's like they're wearing two shirts. Good thing that we ourselves are not burnt right?

I shove the sunscreen at her, your thighs. And she says no worries, I'll just sit on my legs so that they don't get burnt. Okay then.

And she looks okay. Until we get home. Where her sunburn shows up. It looks like pink pizza patterns have been applied all over her body. And she starts freaking out.

AHHHHHH..! AHHHHHHHH..! Oh My God. What happened?! You burnt me!

I know it's really mean but I can't stop laughing. I applied the sunscreen on you! I wasn't randomly slapping you! I told you!

And then she looks down at her thighs which have started turning salmon fresh. And the screaming begins anew.

AHHHHHHH! You killed me! I'm never going outside ever again!

I've never seen anyone drive so fast for a dosage of aloe vera.

I think possibly the two of us [well her more likely] are going to stay out of the sun for a while, and for all my lecturing the bridge of my nose really hurts. I hope it's not sunburn. I only do a passable Rudolph imitation.

Conversations about nothing

"I think she hates me deep down
I know she does
She wants to erase me
hmmmmmmmmm"
-Erase Me Kid Cudi

I've been dancing around my living room to Erase Me for something like six months. It's what we would call an unhealthy obsession. So at the house party the other day, imagine my delight when this song started to play over the stereo. And then the host started to bust-a-move to it. He had these cool foot swivels going on and he started gyrating.

It was kind of all I could do to keep from squealing like a stuck princess.

Did I mention I'm refraining from total contact with the male species this year? And especially male species of the hipster variety? Well I'm not breaking that two weeks in. Come on, I can hold tight better than that.

So I gulped, gripped the sides of the couch and said very casually. "Cool song."
He smiled "Isn't it?"
Ha. See I'm not the kind of girl who would throw herself at someone just because they got down to one of her favourite songs. I totally am. But I didn't. Does that make me easy?

--

Matty: I'm buying a car!
Mush: What are you buying?
Matty: A Toyota Corolla.
Mush: ........................................ Are you planning on starting a family?
Matty: Haha! No! It's for dating.
Mush: Dating. You need to think about this more carefully. You're not going to impress anyone with your Corolla unless they have kids.
Matty: When they see my Corolla, they'll think I'm stable and responsible. It sends the message that I'll sleep with them but I won't cheat.
Mush: I concede your point.

--

I was having yum cha with my parents, when the trolley lady stopped to offer dumplings to the table. I think she vaguely knew my stepdad and she began to make conversation with him about I can't-remember-what. The weather I think. And then she noticed me [although seriously I don't think she could of really missed me because I was in bright red -you could probably have spotted me from space today]
She turns to him and says: Is this your daughter?
He smiles and says: Yup
TL: Wah! She's so grown up! And you're so young!
Mush: I'm so grown up?
Stepdad: I have an older son too.
TL: Seriously? But you are not that old?
Mum: [joking] He got married in his teens and had them in his teens. Also [gesturing to me] she's only twenty.
Mush: I'm twenty?
TL: Wow. Even though she's twenty, you still had them really young. She's so grown up! [shaking her head, walks off]

Mush: What was that?? Why do I feel insulted by that entire conversation??
My stepdad just smiled and looked proud. What the heck.

Earth from the Air

I was in Ariel with Speedy today and I was flipping through Yann Arthus-Bertrand's photography book 'Earth from the Air' and this image caught my eye. It's an Iraqi tank graveyard. And I'm really sorry that the picture can't accurately convey the detail of seeing the page up close. But I thought I would share it anyway. It really is something fucking amazing.. seriously go source the book or try the website.

[My travel bug is going haywire lately, I wonder if I should take that leap and just go get a damn TESOL]

The one

And he said: Looking for the one is, I feel, really emotionally unhealthy. Life is too short. You could search the world and never find them. If I had an eternity, I would do it. But I don't have eternity.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter! It's what, Jan the 13th? And already they're laying out the Cadbury Cremes [at $1.58 each! When did Easter become a millionaire's holiday?!]

--

Coincidentally while trawling through a HK employment website [yep. Still looking.] one ad for a teacher was very clear to point out that Easter is not a holiday. So lest you be employed by them, you'll be praying during a bathroom break and smuggling chocolate like contraband. They also point out how much fun they are to work for. It's not very convincing
--

Lately life has been very quiet, I don't even know what to say when people ask me what I've been up to. It depresses me when I can't tell them my week was full of naked men, bungee jumping and presidental assassination attempts. So what can be said but "uh, nothing?". It's a conversation killer. I asked for retirement a couple of months ago and now I have it. I kind of like this quiet lifestyle but as always be careful what you wish for [I'm reduced to writing about eggs, people. Eggs.]

Standing in the flood

I've been watching the news coverage of the Queensland floods and there really is no eloquent way to describe that kind of damage and devastation. I guess a submerged phone booth can say a thousand words.

It's been getting progressively closer and closer to my parent's house. Which I guess makes it all the more real and not just moving images on a television screen. I still can't pick up the phone to call my Dad [we really are more alike than we think] but my brother says that they're good for the moment.

I forgot to ask him if they brought Tess inside. That big crazy dog would probably knock everything over.

The mating call

People keep asking me why I don't want to get back out there. Imagine someone placed a bucket of dark water in front of you and said that at the bottom there's a gold coin! But before you dump your hand in there, just as a warning - in the bucket there's also hundreds of rats and frogs in there swimming around. The rats are bitey and the frogs are slimy. Enjoy! Would you seriously still put your hand in there??!
No, of course not. Don't be silly.
--

So we're sitting at the table outside the club when we notice some random plunker eyeballing us. This would all be good if he didn't resemble a really really sleazy Kevin Smith [just for the record, I like my Kevin Smiths with wide friendly expressions and mute. Like Silent Bob. I digress.] He stood there and stared for a while as we gossiped and then he decided to pull a move.

I've never seen this move before. It was a brand new move. I give him a one handed clap for audacity.

He slid into the bench opposite us and gave us both a meaningful stare.
And then he proceeded to light the cigarette. Smoke it.
And then blew the smoke directly at us. Several times.

Now if this was a play or something it would go one of two ways -the first being that one of us would be polite and ask him to stop and he would then apologise and then you'd be friends in a meet-cute type situation. I think this was what he thought would happen. Uhm. Poor dude. He misunderestimated how pissed off we get when smoke overpowers our fragrance.

St Mary: What the fuck are you doing?
Not Kevin Smith: !!
St Mary: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T BLOW THAT SMOKE ON US!
Not Kevin Smith: what.. I..?
St Mary: Didn't you hear me?
[Not Kevin Smith tries to salvage the situation and he lumbers over and pretty much stands over St Mary who is giving him snake eyes. If her ears were on top of her head, they'd be flattened]
Not Kevin Smith: Sorry?
St Mary: DON'T SMOKE ON US. SMOKE OVER THERE. [points in a far off direction ] please.

Not Kevin Smith sulks off back to his friends in the far corner who all give him commiseration pats.

Mush: Ouch.
St Mary: I said please.

--

And then later on in the night, St Mary is approached by some random and he was so suave and memorable that I cannot for the life of me remember what he said. Whatever it was, she completely rebuffed him and he walked off. I looked down at my glass for two seconds and when I looked up, he turned around at the same time - caught my eye and gave me the international symbol for a serious-good-time.

[Sorry, I had to post this random photo so you could see what I mean- I couldn't search anymore, Google now thinks I'm totally perverty. Anyway]

It was so unexpected and funny [seriously who does that?! When did that become a substitute for a goodbye wave??] that I almost fell off my stool, I was laughing hysterically when Miss HK patted me on the hand.

Miss HK: Do you like him? He likes you. You should go and talk to him.
Mush: [trying to regain composure].. he.. what.. you can't be serious... you're totally serious!
Miss HK: Yes.
Mush: [studying her] Lady, that doesn't mean he likes me. He likes something. But it's not me.
Miss HK: ..what do you mean? what does that mean?
Mush: Oh my God, you're so young and cute. I don't want to corrupt your innocence.
Miss HK: St Mary, what does that mean?
St Mary: [laughing] I think you need to think about it!

--

I'm not putting my hand in that goddamn bucket.

4am

Its 4am and I'm laying in bed listening to the rain outside. I wonder if he thinks about me as well. Would have been, could have been, should have been. Its the hour for nighttime regrets. There are too many things I would've done differently. I'm never plagued like this during the day.

I hate being awake at 4am.

Ramblement

I ran out of internet credit and so no photo uploading.. until the 15th .. well here's one. Wireless is going to be the death of me.

I love it .. my parents are such goofballs.

Here's a thought: Do you think the dork gene is exacerbated by environment? Say you grew up in a house where there were Peter Parker and Wolverine posters all over the walls - would you grow up dorkier? or would your innate coolness just rise above it souffle-style?
Am I dorky because my parents are dorky? If that's true, does that mean my ancestors were running around the rice fields being really really goofy?

If you've just tuned in - I don't think 2011 is going to be the year of the epiphany. I'm going to stay out [out!] of relationships [Noodle: Geez, don't you think that's going to be hard?] thus most likely cementing my status as that manic pixie dream girl. Except not tied down and not dead and I'm really sick of damaged hipster boys... is it too late to switch to nebbish sidekick?

All I seem to attract is damaged hipsters though. I will not be seduced by pop culture talk this year [or men offering candy and php skills].

I'm so uncertain about where this year is headed that I kind of want to fast forward through it to see where I am at the end [I do realise it's only the 5th]. I need a fortune teller stat.

Back from the holidays and straight from the beach

**Blogger just deleted 40 photos worth and a billion hours of uploading. Am going to follow my own advice and not rage everywhere. I will just try again tomorrow.

-Put sunscreen on your feet

-Research where the fireworks are actually going to be

-Be the only person you know to wear green converse [Cue exasperated sighs of another pair?]

-Appreciate what you have

-Breathe. This year you're going to learn to breathe properly and you're going to slow the hell down.

Done for 2010!

She: Your life is so romantic because you see it so romantically. Don't ever change babe ok?



I’ve written and rewritten this thing like three or four times because I can’t accurately convey how momentous 2010 was to me.
I stood awestruck in front of Van Gogh’s Room at Arles and De Kooning’s Woman V. I was in the crowd chanting to Salt N Pepa’s Push It and I sang along with everyone to Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer. I looked Bono in the eye! I danced with 500 people in unison to Greased Lightning. I learnt to drive manual. I was proposed to on a busy street. I was soul wrenchingly-mind blowingly kissed [“Do you know you give me a certain look after we kiss? It’s like you’ve gone away somewhere and then come back. Where do you go Mush?”]
And I picked myself up from the grave because I told myself I could.

Somewhere along the way I found whatever it is that I lost and I bring it with me as I start rebuilding my life in 2011.

It’s been one helluva ride. Merry Christmas everybody. This is my last post for the year –see you on the flip side.

On the motorbike

Every once in a while, if you can - while you can - you should do something completely spontaneous, random and out of character. So when he said 'I'll take you to see the sunrise on my bike', I just kind of nodded. Oh, what the hell. I don't want to regret never doing this on my death bed [even though, ironically sitting on an unprotected contraption could possibly bring me closer to my death bed anyway].

He blinked. Wow, I didn't think you would agree.

I did not agree to getting up at 4:30.

Seriously sitting on the back of that thing, you start to have really interesting thoughts on the state of your mortality. Namely, you are alive -but it's highly likely that that truck coming round the corner will make you a wee bit dead. Or that car. Any car. A pedestrian. An errant pot hole. Chicken Little.

He kept turning his head to talk to me the entire way [it's kind of funny when your helmets bounce off each other. Wonk. ] and I was feverishly thinking 'eyes on the road! eyes on the road!'
You have to give me credit for not clinging onto him like a deranged koala on my first time.

I'm really glad I did it and its crossed off. But I don't know if I would enthusiastically jump up and down to volunteer for the next ride. I liked it but I'm just not an adrenaline junkie - epiphany 67#.

[On a side note, I may associate motorbikes with death because I grew up watching honkie movies where the protagonist with the motorbike always dies. Thanks for that Andy Lau, I blame you.]

Not enough Campbell in my life

Campbell: This cop pulled me over and he was all 'I saw you talking on the phone' and I said 'No, I didn't' and he said 'I saw you.' So what could I say except for 'yeah okay fine I did.'
And then I asked him if I could sweet talk him out of it and he said I couldn't.

Mush: You asked if you could sweet talk yourself out of a ticket...AhAHAHAHA.. you did not!

Campbell: I so did.

Mush: Lady, you seriously have balls of steel.

--

And then the two of us walked down the street singing harmonies on What's my name by Rihanna. Oh na na na what's my name? what's my name? And of course talking about how Drake makes us want to drop our milk on the floor too [that's not a euphemism]. I really miss that girl! I didn't get to see her enough this year.

--

I have a big long post to write which I've been writing in my head for about two weeks now but that will have to wait. I take my first motorbike ride tomorrow.. wish me luck yeah? Rounding off 2010 with one last challenge!

Things I'm loving 45#

Beach House - Norway
Don't you know it's true?

Love it. It feels like driving past a beach at night.

On our way to Bon Jovi!

He: This is my first concert...
Me: Oh. Really. You're going to lose your concert virginity with me.
He: Yeah, you're going to pop my cherry.

Like a doll

Whenever I see Mystic Meg, she always tells me I look like a Japanese doll.
Mush: So how do I look?
Mystic Meg: Like a frigging doll. You belong on a shelf.
She's my go-to for a compliment. She really is.

Random Photos December 2010

So I'm procrastinating.
Procrastinating with writing
Procrastinating with designing a new layout [transparencies are so 2010 no?]

I'm supposed to be sleeping because I have a big day tomorrow.

Look! the road is giving us philosophical code

Someone was clearly high writing copy.

Love love Jay Z

Coincidentally the meaning of life is also u2!

It's a plan.

Mush: Let's make a deal. If I don't leave in February, we will go to San Francisco together in July, walk around, do nothing.
Speedy: [eyes wide open] Go to a baseball game!
Mush: We will totally go to a baseball game. [Mentally writes that on the bucket list] The 49ers yes?
Speedy: The clubs, we have to hit the clubs.
Mush: Of course. That's a given.
Speedy: Vegas! We have to do Vegas since you did it with your parents last time *breathes in* So. Much. Fun.
Mush: We're agreed?
Speedy: We're agreed!
Mush: Shake!

I love those moments when life just gives you something to look forward to.

---

And what I really needed was to go out and get my dance on. One really good friend, my favourite bar, a shitload of really good songs [Walk this way! Ghetto Superstar! Shook me all night long!] and I feel normal normal like I retrieved something that went missing. It was totally worth another pair of ruined shoes.

Hilariously I bumped into that prostitute recruiter from a few months ago, she's still hanging around there looking for new bait. She didn' t recognise me however and I wasn't about to greet her.

Mexicana: Of course, she didn't recognise you. You're just one of the other prostitutes that got away.
Mush: AHAHAHA. Thanks babes.

Thanks Google Maps!

When you type 280 George St into Google Maps, it tells you that 280 George St is where A is.
Next to Town Hall, thus across from St Andrew's Cathedral and next to the Police Station.
280 George St is not near any of those places, 280 George St is [and I would think that all you Sydneysiders would get why I'm so mad] is down near Hunter St, close to the Establishment- next to Australia Square Building. That's a good fucking twenty blocks. I've marked the actual location with a little x.

So I was unbelievably late to my meeting [flustered and sweaty is always a good look], I've ruined my heels, and I have something like seven blisters from the experience. I figure I will be limping for the next three days from the looks of things.

When I finally got in, he said to me with a puzzled look "I'm not sure why everyone always thinks that our offices are in Town Hall. You're not the first one." Huh.

Fuck you Google Maps. I say fuck you and my poor feet say fuck you, and just an all round fuck you for dicking people around. And I'm going back to Whereis.. which of course has the right address.



How hard is that? It's only just a major cosmopolitan area! You owe me a new pair of shoes Google Maps but if you gave them to me I would only take them to lob them at your head. /End rant.

Thoughts for midnight

I wonder if you can get RSI from giving someone a handjob for too long? What if you have a weak wrist?

At Goldfish

I'm so lazy with picture posting lately [photoshop yawn]. I still have an entire phone full of random object photos to put up at some point. I miss my pink Casio in widescreen.. These look a little.. boxy.


Mush: hey Dylmah and SM are starting to look like each other!
Alv: Do you think he's morphing into her or she's morphing into him
Mush: I think they're simultaneously melding...
Alv: hahaha! Who's the guy and who's the girl in this picture? When have you ever seen a guy pose like that?
Mush: He just did!

[Actually I think they look really sweet together, Alv is just cynical.]

My hypothetical imaginary sowing machine

So for the past two weeks, other than the obligatory I-am-chasing-something-dream, I've been waking up feeling like I'm missing a sowing machine.

I'm pretty sure I've never owned a sowing machine. So I was bothered by the reoccuring feeling that I had misplaced one somewhere. Sowing machines are relatively big and bulky- you'd be hard pressed to lose them in a move.

So I just kind of filed it in the back of my head, but I was .. befuddled. Every morning.

I was walking around in Ikea with my Aunty L yesterday when she suddenly turned to me and said "Hey, I need your sowing machine to make some cushion covers.. can I borrow it?"
I don't think I'll ever double take like that ever again.
"I don't have a sowing machine."
"Yes you do."
"No, I don't."
She looked a little bemused and exasperated "You do, you bought one ages ago. What happened to it?"
And now I was really spinning out. "Why would I do something like that? .. I really don't remember owning one."

Well who would know better than SB right? The quickest way to get to the bottom of this. I didn't really want to bother him [but what the hell, I'm sure he's used to my randomness by now.] so I fired off a text while we were wandering around the kitchen section.

Mush: Hey, sorry to bother you but I had to ask. I think I had a sowing machine once and then I lent it to someone, do you remember who I lent it to?

Fifteen minutes later
SB: I don't remember that you have a sowing machine. You were thinking of getting one but didn't. If you have one, it's at Aunty L's or with Tatergirl. Sorry, maybe I have a bad memory.
[I can kind of see him giving my msg a deep sigh.]

I turned to L triumphantly. See?! He says I don't have a sowing machine. There's no sowing machine. And there's no sowing machine at your place. I'm just crazy. And uhhh... you're crazy.

L: Oh my God. The two of you have some sort of young person dementia. Ask your mum.

I headdesked at the first available desk. So many of them at Ikea.

Mush: Do I own a sowing machine?
Mum: You did. I think Tatergirl took it. I don't remember the details.
Mush: Wait. She took it? Why would I let her do that? I owned a sowing machine??
Mum: You really should ask her for it back yeah?

L waved her triumphant little flag at this victory, she reassuringly patted me on the shoulder. It's ok. You have really bad memory loss, I'm sure there's medicine for that.

I don't even know where Tatergirl is to ask her for my imaginary sowing machine back. How ridiculous.

He doesn't remember it and I don't remember it, but everyone else does -is that kind of simultaneous repression healthy? I've worked so hard to put everything behind me that in a weird way it's like nothing ever happened at all. I guess you can't really put everything completely away because your subconscious is going to kick up a fuss and sowing machines are going to show up in your dreams.

** Mexicana just said there's no sowing machine! Is there or isn't there one??

High Points, low points

I received a text this afternoon [paraphrased]: I'm so normally in control, but I don't feel like I have any at the moment.

Myabe I worry too much lately, I automatically had images of her getting in a punch-up. I was mentally ticking off hospitals in my head when I dialled her back.

Me: Are you ok?!
She: [beaming sunshine over the phone] yes, I'm in love.
Me: *blink blink* You're in what?
She: I think I'm in love.
Me: That's.. great!.... You scared the holy fkn bejeesus out of me.

I'm really happy for her but I'm going to personally need a hospital if people keep sending me messages without context.

--

While I've been on a fairly even keel lately, even I can't keep up the whole Pollyanna thing 247. I still have my low points and I've think I've been lucky that they've been relatively brief. Off the top of my head they were:
1# The rock throwing outing. Seriously nothing can really make you feel worse than feeling like you can't throw a stupid pebble properly.

2# The great email hack. I [don't ask me how] managed to get back into my work email to find my copy and my emails had been deleted and were completely irretrievable. I get that it's ridiculous sentimentality on my part but I still get a little lump thinking about it so.moving on right away.

And then yesterday. Yesterday! Now that I have some perspective and hindsight you know it's kind of funny but I was going to seriously meltdown into my rice noodles at the time.

I was at yum cha with my parents, my two aunties and uncle. I thought it might be a good time to bring up going overseas with them. As it turns out, I didn't really get to say much because all at once the five of them started squabbling. about me and what I should do with my life. Not ordinary squabbling. Asian squabbling. Death by argument.

[I'm just going to randomly number everyone because I can't even remember who wanted what now]
1#: She should break her lease now and go home. She should go home.
2#: She doesn't want to leave her apartment, she's going to go work in a coffee shop to tide things over.
1#: Why would a girl with her degrees go back and work in a coffee shop?? That's just stupid
2#: She can manage a restaurant! I know someone!
3#: She should go on holiday for two weeks
1#: So therefore break the lease!
2#: And where the heck is all her furniture going to go? She has to come back to something.
3#: She'll buy a storage shed and put it in my yard.

I'm not joking about any of this conversation and it went back and forward for a good forty minutes [just to be clear, I'm not buying a storage shed]. I just kind of sat there and stared at them and was starting to feel really really sorry for myself

Occasionally someone would remember that I was there and would say:

Mush, what do you want to do?

And before I could open my mouth to say "San Francisco" .. someone would answer for me! And on and on it went until they actually wearied themselves out and of course, came to no conclusion. The world's longest and most torturous lunch. The Guantanamo Bay of yum cha.

As we were leaving [and holy crap, was I glad to be leaving! I almost broke into a run.] my stepdad patted me on the shoulder, "you know, you can come home anytime. We'd be happy to have you." And it's nice to know that if everything bottoms out, there are still my parents. They are still my parents.

I think I will know in less than a month whether San Francisco [God, those four syllables. Roll them over your tongue.] is a viable option. At the moment I'm sitting knee-deep in a pile of my books, if I had known that I was going to be doing so much moving in my adult life, I probably would have been smarter and not bought so many (although would Past Mush have listened? Probably not.).

At the end of the night

At half past two in the morning if you find yourself in Macquarie Bank playing ping pong... that really is as weird as it sounds. It was weird. Life is strange. I give up trying to explain it.

Laugh Club

First attempt! I was trying to think of a way to convey what we're like together without taking video [writing. fail. lately.]. Maybe I'll do some more of these if the mood strikes me, I'd probably prefer to be doing this over a graphics tablet but atm this will do.. and yes, we really are going to go to a Laugh Club sometime soon. Ahahahahah. Ahem.

**I had a helluva time trying to resize and the image was leaking into my borders. So click through yeah?

The next steps

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
-Ordinary People/ John Legend

Oh hello lethargy, where have you been? I've been expecting you. I love that you come right as I'm staring at this ACMA application

---

She yanks out my iPod and replaces it with her own.
I look at her. What are you doing?
She just kind of shrugs and grins.
The first bars of an electronic song I vaguely recognise start blasting out of my speakers.
I roll my eyes, mmm... you're so much cooler than me.
She laughs, yeah I am!
And then .. it hits me and I recognise it. Oh my God, you didn't.
Yeah I did!
oooooooooOOOooooooo.. Barbra Streisand ... ooooooooooooOOOOoooooOOOOO
She's dancing and singing away in the passenger seat and my hand involuntarily starts to move towards my forehead. My window is wide open and people in the next car are enjoying this.
She turns to me, are you ASHAMED?
Nono, of course not. Ahem. ooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooo. The times where we get together and be goofy are really few and far between lately.

----

So I'm eating my fish fingers [and am I the only person in the world who would order fish fingers in a restaurant?] and I pose the question to her again for the 70,000th time for the past two years.
Mush: When are you coming back?
Mexicana: 10 months
Mush: And what if I left? What if now was as good a time as any to finally pack up my bags and go work overseas?
Mexicana: I'm going to come back.. and you're going to leave? .....
Mush: That urge to get up and go has never been stronger than right now.
Mexicana: You should do it.
Mush: Sorry?
Mexicana: Do it. You've been talking about it since I don't know when. So you should do it.
Mush: I'm fkn terrified.
Mexicana: It looks terrifying, but once you get over that first step and get the ball rolling.. it won't be so scary. [pause] Don't let me stop you from going.
==

I took her to the airport and I just twinged at all the travelling I haven't done, at all the travelling she's about to do. You miss someone and they haven't left yet.

==

Egg: Well what's keeping you here?
Mush: Absolutely nothing actually
Egg: What do you have to lose?
Mush: Money. Lots and lots of money.
Egg: Money is replenishable. Every reason you give yourself not to go is just excuses.

==

So here I sit summoning up the courage to possibly take the next big move of my life. [and not to digress: but fuccckkkk.. do you think I'm pushing my recovery a little hard? All this pushing can't be a good thing.] I look around my apartment and I love my little apartment but I've kept all these moving boxes hidden for a reason, this was never supposed to be a permanent stay.
The first step would be to walk out the door and buy an open-ended ticket. Of course, I have to remove myself from the couch first. Where is my nerve? I lost it somewhere.