The next steps

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
-Ordinary People/ John Legend

Oh hello lethargy, where have you been? I've been expecting you. I love that you come right as I'm staring at this ACMA application

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She yanks out my iPod and replaces it with her own.
I look at her. What are you doing?
She just kind of shrugs and grins.
The first bars of an electronic song I vaguely recognise start blasting out of my speakers.
I roll my eyes, mmm... you're so much cooler than me.
She laughs, yeah I am!
And then .. it hits me and I recognise it. Oh my God, you didn't.
Yeah I did!
oooooooooOOOooooooo.. Barbra Streisand ... ooooooooooooOOOOoooooOOOOO
She's dancing and singing away in the passenger seat and my hand involuntarily starts to move towards my forehead. My window is wide open and people in the next car are enjoying this.
She turns to me, are you ASHAMED?
Nono, of course not. Ahem. ooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooo. The times where we get together and be goofy are really few and far between lately.

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So I'm eating my fish fingers [and am I the only person in the world who would order fish fingers in a restaurant?] and I pose the question to her again for the 70,000th time for the past two years.
Mush: When are you coming back?
Mexicana: 10 months
Mush: And what if I left? What if now was as good a time as any to finally pack up my bags and go work overseas?
Mexicana: I'm going to come back.. and you're going to leave? .....
Mush: That urge to get up and go has never been stronger than right now.
Mexicana: You should do it.
Mush: Sorry?
Mexicana: Do it. You've been talking about it since I don't know when. So you should do it.
Mush: I'm fkn terrified.
Mexicana: It looks terrifying, but once you get over that first step and get the ball rolling.. it won't be so scary. [pause] Don't let me stop you from going.
==

I took her to the airport and I just twinged at all the travelling I haven't done, at all the travelling she's about to do. You miss someone and they haven't left yet.

==

Egg: Well what's keeping you here?
Mush: Absolutely nothing actually
Egg: What do you have to lose?
Mush: Money. Lots and lots of money.
Egg: Money is replenishable. Every reason you give yourself not to go is just excuses.

==

So here I sit summoning up the courage to possibly take the next big move of my life. [and not to digress: but fuccckkkk.. do you think I'm pushing my recovery a little hard? All this pushing can't be a good thing.] I look around my apartment and I love my little apartment but I've kept all these moving boxes hidden for a reason, this was never supposed to be a permanent stay.
The first step would be to walk out the door and buy an open-ended ticket. Of course, I have to remove myself from the couch first. Where is my nerve? I lost it somewhere.