An offer

And then another offer comes in:

V: U loved up?
M: I'm much happier. Definitely not loved up.
V: Glad u happier at work? Don't you miss sex?
M: Haha. You're getting more direct. Yes I miss it a lot.
V: U should be getting hot oil slides. I want yr lips x
M: And that was less direct. What are you offering V?
V: Bring me a bow of burning gold. Bring me arrows of desire. Bring me spears of cloud unfold. Bring me chariots of desire.
M: I have none of those things and I can neither swim rivers or climb mountains.
V: Can I come over, light candles, play music, drink wine & give u a slow all over oil massage?

I haven't answered him and I sit here pondering this in my pyjamas, peeling dirty potatoes, playing Justin Bieber on my winamp and I have never felt less sexy in my entire life. What's stopping me exactly? [besides the handfuls of tubers]. What am I waiting for? Who am I waiting around for?

Sigh. Maybe next time.