Constantly recanting

So I woke up and thought: what the heck did I write again? Shoot, I'd better go check it. Oh. That's not so bad. I thought I'd have to pull down another post.

I really am constantly doing that lately. And I never used to do it, five years [plus!] of blogging and I have never been ashamed of my feelings or what I'm feeling or even heck, what I'm doing but lately I'm just wondering if the things I write are just way too personal for public consumption.

I don't let people in very much and yet I continue to splatter my heart on here every day. A walking, talking contradiction.

More than a couple of people have said to me over the past year "I read your blog the other day, and holy shit, it was so heavy." And what can I do but politely smile and wryly say "Well that's what the inside of my head looks like."

I am [and I guess you already know] a person that feels a lot. I am never neutral or indifferent and if I ever tell you I don't care, I am clearly lying to be socially appropriate [but don't worry, you'll hear all about it later! in the car! on the way home! ]

I can't just keep pulling all the personal stuff down. Eventually it's just going to be a completely anecdotal blog.

I had a conversation the other day [and I can't remember with who, so I'm wondering if I dreamed the entire thing] I drew a line across the table. The end left is where most people are, and the end right is where my heart is. This middle stroke is where you get to if you're lucky, the middle stroke is where most of my friends are congregated. She very gently pointed out I'm not even letting people past the first line.

This blog is my middle stroke, and I'm starting to pull down anything that veers to the right hand side.

At the end of the day, I don't really want to censor myself because where else am I going to go to get all these thoughts out? [My head might explode or I might start sleepwalking if I don't process everything]

All I'm saying [ruminations and rambles] is that I'm in a very funny place right now, a bit vulnerable and a bit feisty. So until I stop being all weirdo and sensitive, there are probably going to be lots and lots of recanted posts for a few weeks. Maybe I should just turn this into an anecdotal blog.