Boys on the Dance Floor

Long post ahead! Deep breath and all that.

So MD had heard what a stopper of a night Campbell and I had had some time ago at the Retro Hotel, so she demanded to be taken. [Mexicana also wants in at some point, what do I look like some sort of Retro Hotel tour guide??]

Well it was another stopper of a night. I'll give you that.

You know what? I wasn't really feeling v attractive that night so any male attention that night was.. to put it mildly a surprise. Why is it that when I want attention I never get it and vice versa? I was fully expecting just to get my dance on.

Of course I should have been alerted to hijinks aplenty when some guy grabs my elbow at the bar and says "Hey, can I talk to you?.. oh you're coming back right? Tell me you're coming back. We'll have plenty of time to talk later". He just had an entire conversation by himself and answered his own question. What the heck.

So I'm getting into it and ignoring the purple shirted guy with the monobrow, and the other one with the electronic belt ["rub me." no.] when these two guys come up and start dancing with us.

The one on my end was kinda cute. The one on MD's end was somewhat older.
He very nicely says [as nice you can in a very loud club] "Hi, my name is Jacky! This is my boss."
Ahahaha.. uhm. What can I do but wave at his boss?

He smiled at me and he seemed very sweet but I do not think that he had any idea what he was doing. He kept dancing up close... but they were entirely the wrong songs to be trying to get down on.

Firstly, it was.. Wannabe by the Spice Girls.
Secondly, Man, I feel like a woman by Shania Twain.
Thirdly. Dr Jones by Aqua.

By the time I got to Dr Jones, I was starting to feel a little surreal. Is this happening? Am I being sexydanced to Aqua? This has to be a first in world history. And when I say he didn't know what he was doing, you know how when guys are sure of themselves and they just put their hand on your waist? Uh, he kept alternating hands. So he kept switching left hand, left hip, right hand, right hip. It was the adult version of the hokey pokey.

At some point he leaned in and said "That's my boss! and he said he would fire me if I didn't dance with you!"
.... what. I just kind of looked at him. That's not very fucking flattering!
But he just beamed at me and I didn't know whether I should pat him on the head, facepalm him or facepalm myself. Oh, hey it's P-P-Poker Face! I shall instead dance madly to this song and do none of those things.

Eventually he asked to go somewhere quieter and I acquiesed [Woo, the isolation move. Recognise.] And I sat outside with him on the couches.
Mush: Okay, it's nice to meet you. Sorry, how old are you?
Jacky: I'm twenty two! How old are you?
Mush: I'm just a bit older than you [and I was in school when you were born.. oh my God]
Jacky: This is my first time clubbing!
Mush: .. it's your.. what.. uhmmm.. ahhh... [ok Buddha will completely smite me for even contemplating corrupting that kind of innocence. There is just no way. Ever.]

So I talked to him for a little while longer, and he was a very nice kid. When he left to go home, he gave me a kiss on the cheek [an actual kiss on the cheek, not all this airkissing that we crazy phony sydneysiders do] and I was for a moment, quietly charmed. I hope he never grows out of kissing girls on the cheek.

---

After that I was thoroughly sick of the Retro and wanted to move it back to somewhere that felt a bit cleaner.. Well Bungalow it was. I heaved a huge sigh of relief once I got there, so familiar and so clean.. and so frigging packed? Who are all these people and isn't it two o clock in the morning? People, go home! At Bungalow, we met a boy named Jonathan and he decided to join us on our adventures.
[Campbell interrupts me at this point and says I have to stop letting people join me on adventures because I'm making a bad habit of it. I think she's half kidding/]

--

Onto Cargo! And I'm tearing up the dance floor when Pseudo Mekhi Phifer approaches me.
Yeah, he looked like that, except he had a shirt on. And he wasn't pulling that face. And he wasn't spinning a basketball. Oh, FFS, go watch E.R, or 8 Mile or the Boy is Mine video and you'll know what I'm talking about.

PMP: Hullo.
Mush: Hullo.
PMP: I know you think I'm ugly and that's why you won't dance me

WHAT. What kind of line is that?? My head exploded from.. the false humility. No-one has ever called Mekhi Phifer ugly [and possibly no-one ever will]. And looking at the way Pseudo Mekhi Phifer was carrying himself, I called bullshit. Really, I have no time for bullshit. The Killers are playing and I wanna dance.

So I said the first thing that came into my head.

Mush: That's your pickup line?? Uhm, you know you're cute.
And then PMP rears on me.
PMP: Come back to me when you have a comeback that's less mediocre.

Even now when I think about it, I'm completely furious. What's mediocre?! Crappy pick up lines will get crappy responses! And if you want to dance with Oscar Wilde, I suggest you head to the sunny shores of France and dig him up! Mediocre! Fuck off!

Anyway I was furious. And Jonathan was fanning me off because I was morphing into the Hulk. The Edward Norton version of course.

At some point, PMP went to MD and asked why I was mad. He also congratulated Jonathan on his pimping skills [breathe in. breathe out.] and before I left he draped himself on me.

PMP: I won't chase you but you know you're sexy.

I undraped him and walked off but you know I'll be on my deathbed and be all "I don't regret anything I've ever done except that one time I didn't helicopter kick that asshole in the head. "

---

At the end of the night, I'd had fun and I punched my number into Jonathan's phone. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy and nice guys are hard to find..[haha, they sure are] Whoops, I forgot to put my photo in as profile so I hit the M button and I saw Mystic Meg's name. The heck. How many Mystic Megs can there be in the Sydney area?!

Mush: Jonathan, This Mystic Meg is not *my* Mystic Meg right?
Jonathan: The Mystic Meg on my phone is my ex-girlfriend.
Mush: What? No way! What a coincidence! Holy shit! What are the chances? Hey, wait are you a good ex-boyfriend or a douche one?
Jonathan: A good one.

---

The next morning.

Mush: Hey babes! I met your ex-boyfriend last night! We hung out last night and everything. What a coincidence!
MM: Which one?
Mush: Jonathan
MM: That guy ruined my life and devastated my heart. *starts to cry
Mush: What. what. what.
MM: [Starts to detail all the crazy shit he's done] and then, look babes I don't know what to say if you want to date him.
Mush: WHOA. I don't want to date him! Are you crazy? This is crazy! I just wanted to say that I met him!
MM: If you want to get close to him, you just be careful
Mush: Uh, thank you for the tip but I don't .. what is going on HERE?

And that was my night. How to sum up? How about this:

How do you make God laugh? You make a plan.

Well that night certainly didn't up where I thought it was going to end.