The door that closes and opens.

"And if you flash your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of"
-Love Lost, Temper Trap.

So I am massively tired [5 in the afternoon!], at any moment I am going to fall unconscious and my head is going to hit the table like in the cartoons. Except without the benefits of a pie in the face.

Can you tell this is going to be a rambly incoherent post? Sorry, bear with me. It's going to get more incoherent, lucky for you.

So I met someone on Friday night, we'll call him R6. And be happy for me because he uses long words and he's nice. I'm not implying that long word usage and being a nice guy are mutually exclusive concepts. But good spelling is high up on my list. I might shove the New York Times crossword in front of him at some point and see if he can do it. Anyway, Friday night/Saturday dawn I was happy.

But by Saturday morning I was slightly, slightly panicky. And I guess you can put it down to sleeplessness. What was I doing? I don't know to play the game! My life was finally entering a stage of normalcy and what I was going to do with that normalcy? I was going to bin it to put my foot in the relationship merry-go-round. Oh God. Just the thought makes me want to burst into tears and lie on my couch with a cold compress.

Anyway. The game. Oh God. Did I say Oh God yet? Again. Oh God.

By Saturday night, I was calmer. And as I took a ferry to Campbell's party, I passed Circular Quay. I had been giving Circular Quay the deep swerve for the past year because it really held a lot of significance for me and SB [well maybe not for him, but for me] and as I walked down it, I was like hey! This is ok! I can walk down here! I'm fine! This is great! More exclamation marks!

God/Og/Allah/Ron L Hubbard has an awesome sense of humour. THE MULTI-ARMED DEITY IN THE SKY THINKS THAT SENDING ME SIGNS IS FUNNY. I can't fkn think of another explanation for what happened two hours later.

I'm sitting there at the openbar/party playing with my camera and I look up and there he is with that ... that woman.

What the fuck.

SB and Mutant X are walking towards me. Uh, what are the chances.

So in my head, a thousand times before, I'm cool and calm, I have a scathing remark to say. I have a rotten chicken leg to pitch. I reduce her to tears. I am woman, and you stepped on my turf ugly lady.

Of course, in real life, the only thing I have is the remnants of dignity and my camera in hand. What would happen if I threw my camera at her? I'd have to get a new one, that's what.

And then came the split decision to be an adult [or to reach something resembling adulthood], what would I achieve from any of this? Nothing. I've moved on. None of it would be worth it. The only thing that would happen is that I would ruin not one but three people's nights.

So I looked back down at my camera and continued to scroll through my pictures, my hand was so shaky that I was worried that I was going to drop it.

I don't know if he saw me and I don't really want to know. They passed me.

The connection broken in the most ironic place possible. Yes, God you are hilarious- I get it. You can stop poking me. Thanks.

I left with my dignity, my intact camera and my good self. I have my fingers crossed for something good and new in my life.