What I mean and what I say

"Look down the ground below is crumbling
Look up the stars are all exploding

In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside."
- Last Day on Earth, Kate Miller Heidke


It's a pitch perfect day, the sun is out and there are no clouds. We're sitting together on the wharf and I'm picking at a bun I've bought. The water below is a clear green and I can see right into the waving seaweed.

We're sitting an appropriate distance away from each other.

I turn to him and say: Let's run away together. Let's get up now and catch a plane and we'll never have to exit this bubble that we've created. A bubble that only contains me and you. And for the rest of our lives, we can sit here exactly like this.

--

But I don't say this. I offer him my bun and I mention that I'm late for work. I stare into the water and I wonder if I would be able to swim if I jumped in. My hightops would probably drown me.

--

There has to be a limit of tears that you can cry for someone. For some reason, I'm not even close to my limit.

--

People ask me lately all the time if I regret. I always say no. But hindsight is always twenty twenty. What would I have done better?

--

He turns to me and says simply "ok, let's go". When I open my eyes all I see is water and grass.