Chatroulette: A morning with Alv

Sometimes the most productive way to vent [other than the blogging thing. Der.] is to take a a teeny weeny golf ball, a massive five iron, pretend its someone's head and whack the holy moly out of a bucket of balls. I'm a pacifist everywhere except the driving range. Equal anger and violence on each ball.

Anyway Alv volunteered to go with me, but first we got into a discussion about human interaction on chatroulette.

Alv: What's chatroulette?
Mush: It's like a video chatroom where you get paired up with random strangers. And if you don't like the look of them, you click next. You get a lot of interesting interaction because you're forced to communicate with people on a different level.
Alv: That sounds really really stupid.

Well my game ass is always ready to try anything new [underground rock bands, thriller dance classes, retro nightclubs] so what the heck, why not try this before I dismiss it?

Alv: I want to see you do this, because I think your reaction is going to be hilarious.
Mush: Hmm.

So he dragged his laptop up to my place, and it was the biggest friggggging laptop I had ever seen, a 20'1" screen. Also it was probably the coolest laptop I had ever seen in my life and I don't think any picture could ever do it justice. If I could get married to a piece of technology, that laptop and I would be heading to Vegas.

Oh look, there it is. You can't see me but I'm pulling kissy faces at it. It has a swivel screen too. [Breathes in. hard.]

So anyway I'm all settled to start Chatroulette. Alv has positioned himself on the couch when my phone rings.

Mush: Hullo?
Mum: Hai! We're coming up! We're bringing you the flatscreen tv!
Mush: You're where? You're doing what? Thank you? Whuh?

My mum has spontaneously decided to give me her flatscreen on this morning. Her flatscreen is bigger than the entire wall of my studio. Where am I going to put it? Am I going to go blind looking at it? And how am I going to explain Alv in my apartment? Although do I really have to? It's not the 1950's. So many questions.

Mush: You better .. do something. My mum is coming up.
Alv: Should I just pretend to be your neighbour?

..

Proceed awkward conversation between Alv and my mum

Mum: Hullo. Who are you? You look familiar. You look like someone I know.
Alv: I'm Alv.
Mum: Do you speak chinese?
Alv: Yes.
Mum: Cantonese or mandarin?

And meanwhile they are both pulling faces at me when the other one is not looking. Alv is perfecting a Bad Badtz Maru. Like so.

And my mum is giving me the almighty eyebrow. Which I do not even have an appropriate cartoon simile for. Finally, she leaves but not without I think making a mental note to interrogate me later on with a can of pepper spray, a lie detector and a taser.

Mush: Oh God. She's going to think we're dating. Shitshitshitfukfukfuk. At some point I'm going to have to explain to her that I'm not dating someone else. Or that I'm kind of dating. Um. Sort of. Not really. I don't even know what I'm doing now. Men! Mothers! Argh!

Meanwhile this big chunky tv is taking up my entire floor and Chatroulette is waiting.

[I'm really sorry but for some reason I couldn't take screenshots. They all failed]

So we position ourselves again in our previous positions. I'm on the [kiss,kiss] laptop and I'm adjusting it to my best angle. I look a little orange. Alv is already starting to crack up.

First person: An Asian girl. Sees I'm also Asian. Hits next.

Second person: Also an Asian girl. Also sees I'm Asian and hits next [Hmm. pattern forming.]

Third person: Ooh, it's just a t-shirt. Wait, no the camera is panning.. AND IT PANS TO HIM WANKING OFF. There's all of a sudden a giant peen on my giant screen! I scream and burst into hysterical giggles like a thirteen year old girl. I seriously die laughing. And I can see Alv has buckled in the corner of my eye. What the heck am I supposed to do? I frantically whonk the button for next!

After a couple more rounds with sad looking teenagers, my internet it has had enough and decided to fail and that was that. How anticlimatic.

Alv: Have you had enough?
Mush: Yes. [No, I'm totally going to buy a webcam and laugh at all the weenies!]

By now it was getting on late in the afternoon and we had to run for breakfast-y lunch, andthere was no time to smack some balls around. But as I sat in the outdoors cafe, drinking my Corona, listening to him talk and just people-watching, I thought well what does it really matter? I had fun, I don't need the driving range today.