Only some want to fly

"In a sky full of people, only some want to fly,
Isn't that crazy?"
-Crazy, Seal

So I was sitting on the bus next to my workmate and she mentions that she's going to get married in China next month. And I'm all "Next month?What? I didn't even know you had a boyfriend"

Her: I've been with him for ten years. He's been asking me for five. Quick huh?

Me: Er, where's the planning? What about your dress? and the reception?

Her: Oh, we're not having a reception. We're just going to take photos.

Me: ........... And he's been asking you for five years? Why now?

Her: He just kept asking so I just gave up.

Me: That's.... not good. Do you even like him??

Her: Yeah, I kind of do. he's nice. Practical. More practical than me if that's possible. I kept refusing but finally I said yes. I think he really loves me. My mum says that it doesn't matter if you love the guy as long as he's a stable match.

Me: Where are you going to live??

Her: We haven't decided yet. He doesn't want to move to Australia. We'll figure it out.

Well clearly, I'm still living in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane because I believe that love should be the basis of marriage, and settling is really really the wrong answer. But am I wrong? Wouldn't love make life [and at least sex] easier? I figure you have to spend forever with that person, boy you really have to love them because you have another forty years of picking up socks, arguing over road directions and general I-stand-by-you-regardless-of-annoying-habits.

She is .. I think worried about her marriage chances diminishing, she's thirty-one and if I'm guessing correctly then her parents are nagging the holy moly out of her to just pick one and pop out the babies. And also it's a culture thing- in Asia, settling is still better than nothing.

Still.. still.. not marrying the one you love and the one you kind of like .. I wish her happiness and I hope it works out for her. I would rather be alone than make that type of choice- I guess if nothing happens in the next five years then I won't have to make that kind of a choice. Hmm.

This morning:

I think my job is sucking out my soul in a vortex of unparalleled misery and despair.

This morning I woke up and felt .. miserable. I really felt like a sack of cement and the idea of getting out from under my covers and going to work was interminable. But somehow I pushed myself out the door [who knows how] and ventured out. As I took the ferry, I started feeling worse- normally the water cheers me right up but I was playing out all the feelings of dread.

Should I turn around? I can turn around right now but if I turn around right now then there'll be no-one to do my job and everything will be stuffed up. Fuck. I have to move. Towards the Bus. Move feet move.

By the time I got to work I was close to a full-on meltdown. I sat in my chair and then the tears started. They wouldn't stop. And my shirt was getting really really wet. [which is funny now if you think about it, it looked like I had spilled something on it]

Egg2 pulled me downstairs and those tears became some full on wracking hysterical sobs, the likes of which I really hadn't seen in a good eight months. "IdontwanttobehereIwanttogohomeohGodIfeellikeshitandImnotdealingwiththisplacetoday", he stood there with me until they were finished [which I'm really really grateful for], and then I squared my shoulders and headed back upstairs. When I reached my computer I had an email from Betty. She was leaving her job, effective of five o clock.

I slumped back into my chair and thought "God, what a brave brave woman- I have no courage to leave this job at all, I'm only going round and round making myself miserable and my shirt wet." Crap, if I can handle the casino for four years I can handle this. Right? Right.

When work finished, Magdalena called me
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"I got terminated today."
"You what??? Is there something in the water..?"
"I got terminated I don't have payout but it's ok- I feel so much lighter. I hated that job."

There is no real point to this anecdote. I'm happy that they're out for bigger brighter pastures and I can be a really big baby when I don't want to go to work. True story.