Hello 2010

I'm trying really hard not to move this morning. I figure that if I move then I have energy and if I have energy, I'm gonna have to get up and clean my bombshelter of an apartment.
I really really don't want to get up and clean.

Polish asked me last night "What was your best New Years Eve?" and I thought about it and I didn't reply her. But my best ever New Years Eve was actually on the side of a highway. We were driving and didn't even notice the time until 2 past 12. He pulled over and I got a midnight kiss. And that was it. I guess what was special about it was that- it encompassed the best facet of New Years Eve -which is that it's really about is time stopping and passing that defining moment with that special someone. It's not about fireworks and big crowds but about people and who you choose to record your personal history with.

Last night was.. last night was weird. I don't have a single descriptive word for it but even now I'm kind of processing it [and ignoring all the empty plastic cups in front of my monitor]

So normally if I do say so myself- I throw a good party. I occasionally slip and throw a dud but it doesn't happen very often. Well I just threw a dud so I guess lady luck took a hike. A tonne of people who promised to show didn't show and so what I was left with was a very small group. A group of four to be exact. But I wasn't going to let that get me down right? I was still going to have fun.

So we trooped down to my local park which was busting with people and we talked and drank and ate, and it was good until the fireworks were over. We headed back to my place and we were all getting just a little bit too tipsy and someone recommended that we go dancing [I think it might have been me], we piled onto that great idea. And all of a sudden we were in a convertible heading to Watsons Bay. I became lucid during that car ride and finally asked the question "Why are we heading away from my place which has a great view of the fireworks?". Magdalena piped up "Well, Watsons Bay has fireworks as well!". Um. Ok. Meanwhile Polish was woo-hooing everytime we turned a corner, I was putting down the woo-hoo down to exuberance and not alcohol meltdown. Watch out for the alcohol meltdown.

So we got there and the park was.. gross. I'm not just saying that because I have a natural bias for my own park. We got separated and so I stood by the hillside waiting for the fireworks- when something rolled down the hill which I thought was a balloon. No-one went to pick it up so I thought 'Oh, what the hell" and I slid down the slope to go get it. It wasn't a balloon, it was a soccerball and I climbed back up with it. No-one called for it [or maybe they were too embarrassed to] So now I was the owner of a dinky looking soccerball. I tucked the ball under my arm and I waited for the fireworks. The fireworks started annnnnnd it was crap. Well I'm sure it wasn't crap from a good vantage point but it was crap because the fireworks were so far away that they were like thumbnails.
And while I was getting irritated watching miniature scales, some guy comes up to me and asks

"Are you lonely?" ...

I don't know why he would ask that -either I give vibes of total loneliness and despair or he simply picked the worst pick up line known to mankind. I like to think it was the latter because I'm pretty sure I was giving vibes of annoyance. But what the hell -it's New Years and I'm going to be polite.

"No, I'm not lonely. I'm just watching the fireworks [sort of- if you can call this watching]"

"Oh." Good conversationalist! "Where are you from?"
"I'm from here." [I'm also an awesome conversationalist, do you see?]

and he couldn't think of anything else to say because Polish came bounding up, she mentioned something about peeing in the bushes and yelled "Happy New Year! What are you doing talking to this Greek guy?"
Him: I'm not Greek- I'm Israeli
Her: Same thing. Happy New Year! and then she hugged him. Oi.

And then all of a sudden we were surrounded by his friends and they stood off to the side and started speaking Arabic or Hebrew . They kept gesturing towards us, or maybe I was holding their soccer ball. "Well anyway Bye!" I said brightly, the guy gave me big fat puppy dog eyes and I dragged Polish off to Magdalena and company. As I was dragging her off, Polish kept trying to take the ball off me and I think peg it at someone but I held onto it and she started laughing "I hate you!".

When we got to a spot to sit, she collapsed and passed out with her legs spread, everyone walking past us was getting a very good view.
"Aw, frick", Ralph turns to me "How did that happen?! I'm not carrying her to the car". I dunno. I'm flicking through the camera when I see a crotch shot. OMG. She has taken a photo of herself peeing! I shriek and I'm about to fling the camera away puritan that I am, and scream "I've seen her vagina- take it away- my eyes burn!". Magdalena eyes me and says "How do you know that it was her vagina?"
"It had hair on it"
.......... Everyone takes a moment to digest this. Magdalena starts looking a bit green, no-one asks to see the camera.
I nudge Polish's unconscious body. "I know you can't really hear this but I'm deleting this photo because I really think you'll regret it tomorrow and also I want to be able look you in the eye at some point in the future." No response. OK, picture gone forever.

After fifteen minutes, we wake her up and make our way back to the car. The traffic is awful. An hour and a half for a fifteen minute drive.

First regret of the New Year: Why didn't we stay at mine? It's like a subliminal hum running through the car.
Ralph's impatience almost runs two pedestrians over. As we're stopped again, two men in bathing suits are on top of an apartment building wave to us "Happy New Year!" and we yell back "Happy New Year" except for Ralph who yells "Take it all off!". And then they do. They pull down their bathing suits and moon us. Except that they pull them down so low that I can see all of their frontal bits as well. Oh God. They start to laugh hysterically and yell "There's more where that came from!". I don't like how this bodes for 2010 - a vagina and two penises in less than an hour.


The car is quiet until we get to the city and then Polish stops the car, .. "I live here." and Ralph lets her out [he's dying to get home]. Except that she doesn't live here. She doesn't live anywhere near here. Um? I'm frantically gesturing She doesn't live here! but she keeps walking off and her skirt is falling off. Like really falling off. It's halfway around her waist. We can't let her walk off 'home' with her clothing coming off her! So we stop and try to get her back in the car but she stubbornly insists she lives there. We're stumped. There's no convincing her to get back in the car, we have no kidnapping skills to speak of and so Ralph drives off.

When we finally get back to mine, I crash straight into bed and wake up to my poor beloved insanely messy apartment, 17,000 paper plates and a new soccerball. Hello 2010.