Boys with Girlfriends

So at the moment I'm being chased by three separate guys all with matching girlfriends. Apparently my forehead is tattooed 'Available for nookie. Apply Within.'

Mexicana just shakes her head and says "Can you tell just them all to get f*cked? And to stop messaging you so late??- I'm trying to sleep!"

And the only thing I can say is "Look, I'm hardly singing a siren's song here. If they want to press auto destruct then let them press it, but I'm not to get involved and baby them through self-destruct. They'll eventually figure out they don't actually like me- get some self-awareness and realise that it's symptomatic of deeper issues."

Mexicana: Whatever. Don't message back these douches.

So I wake up this morning to this text message [Alone! I'm waking up alone! My vibrator says hello!]:

"Hi how are you? I don't know if I am doing the right thing.. I am _____'s gf I know he is going out with you and some other girls as well, we've been fighting for weeks. I love him but I'm not happy to be cheated on especially. There are some serious issues happening right now and I feel very bad."

Oh My Fucking God. I have nothing to do with this one- and this one has a girlfriend too?? Why would she start off with 'How are you..?'. I quickly fire back a text with "we're not going out! Talk to your boyfriend! ARGH!" [ok fine, it was slightly more modified than that]

Let's process.

I'm very sorry for this girl and that she has to resort to this instead of dumping his ass. But I'm really really sick of all these suicidal squirrels. If you find that your hold is slipping- don't take a sleeping pill, don't send out random-o texts. Don't beg him. TALK TO HIM. Of course, you can do all these things listed above[as your suicidal squirrel personality dictates]but you're going to find your dignity is showing like a g string on a cheap hooker.

Secondly, the other thing is that- I haven't seen this guy in donkeys years and I'm not going out with him. So can I safely assume that these other "girlfriends" are figments of her imagination as well? and geez, I can't figure which would be sadder- if he was actually doing the dirty on her or if she was so insecure that all she could see is him doing the dirty on her.

When did my life become the Jerry Springer show anyway? I'll be the one throwing the chairs. Anyway guess where I'm heading off to now ..?! a wedding. Life is full of wonderful little ironies.