Look! the road is giving us philosophical code
Someone was clearly high writing copy.
Love love Jay Z
Coincidentally the meaning of life is also u2!
When you type 280 George St into Google Maps, it tells you that 280 George St is where A is.
I'm so lazy with picture posting lately [photoshop yawn]. I still have an entire phone full of random object photos to put up at some point. I miss my pink Casio in widescreen.. These look a little.. boxy.
[Actually I think they look really sweet together, Alv is just cynical.]
We were sitting in the coffeeshop and she asked me how I was doing.
I pushed my tea away and looked at her
Read my palm lady, you tell me.
Mystic Meg picked up my palm and tilted it the right way. Whats going on in your lovelife? Are you dating?
I shook my head.
Well who is that? There’s someone there. You’ve known him a long time and he’s going to be around for a long time. That line is deep and it’s unbroken. She shook her own head. You sure no-one’s around?
I’m sure.
Well if you’re not dating them now.. do you have a friend you’re not taking any notice of? Maybe it hasn’t happened yet, but this person is something like the one.
She peers at my palm some more. You also have lots and lots of extra men around. There’ll always be extra men coming from all directions, but they’re all short and nothing compared to this line. Most of these extras come from work. Watch for co-workers.
There was a time where there was two men in your life?
I nod.
She continues, That’s long gone. It’s completely broken. So don’t worry about that anymore.
She looks at me. This line isn’t SB? Are you talking to him?
Of course not, what crazy talk. That’s gone forever.
Well whoever this is supposed to be will come through soon.. God, you really liked everyone you dated hey?
I shrug. I’m soft like that.
She finished going through my career and then she settled to ask me what was going on. I gave her a condensed version [two sentences!] and I could feel her anger start to spike at dangerous levels.
She tapped the table “Men in Sydney are so fkn selfish, they’re all about themselves. Did you notice that? They say everything is 50/50 but they’ll spend more on alcohol than they will on you.”
I feebly protested “That’s not necessarily.. true… I uhhhh..” I never considered that actually. Was that true? Was it the opposite the other way around as well? I spend a helluva lot of money on my nights out as well.
And then the conversation took an eerie and familiar turn. I didn’t think that if I heard this speech again that I would hear it from her.
“Mush, you’re so naïve. You think that no-one is out to hurt you and that everything is going to be fine. But people are going to hurt you. You just haven’t been hurt bad enough yet, you have no idea what it’s out like there.”
I was going to protest that wasn't true but I couldn’t find my voice.
“The men out there? They’re fked. They’re gonna play the game so you better be prepared… and you know they’re going to make you feel bad about yourself but you shouldn’t feel any of it because you’re clear. Those cunts out there, they should be the ones with the guilty consciences. ”
The anger and despair was palpable. She wasn’t addressing me anymore, she had turned inward.
It started to rain outside.
“Protect yourself Mush. Don’t make the same mistakes twice. You’re going to be successful one day and this will all be nothing.”
--
I’ve been thinking about it since this afternoon [the fireworks just started outside] and you know what? I still believe in love and I still believe there’s someone out there for me. It’s just trial and error until I get there. For sure, I don’t doubt that I’ll be hurt a hundred more times before I find him but I think that person will have made all the hard times worth it in the end.
So maybe I’m an idiot [and I think Mystic Meg and Mexicana should form a ‘Mushisanidiot’ tag team] and once more I’m going to wander out into the world unprotected for something that might not possibly exist. But what can paeans like us do but try?
Ever so slightly something something on Louisiana Lemonade [I think I knocked a drink over with my handbag. Good sign.] I walked past my park thinking that the skyline was unusually pretty tonight. And then I noticed a couple who at first I thought was making out but were just standing ever so close together. He was getting ready to put a ring on her finger.
He was moving it ever so closer to her finger and then he saw me walk past and give him a weary eyebrow.. I might have rolled my eyes back into my head. [Bah humbug, people are going to look if you pick such a public place yeah? Why look at me for anyway? Concentrate on your Mrs.] and he pulled it away.
When I had gotten to sufficiently further enough where I wasn’t in viewing distance anymore, I heard him say ”Will you marry me?” and then she cried “yes!”
I didn’t intentionally try to put a damper on their special moment but forever I think that guy will remember me as ‘That girl in the red shirt who gave me a weary eyebrow before I proposed and so I kind of had to wait for her to walk off so I could really do it.’ Oh, that girl.
I don’t think romance is dead, but I will bat it like a mosquito into space if I see it in front of me. Just for the next few months. Be warned.
I figure this is the last time I talk about this. It’s finally resolved.
She once asked me “So what do you guys do when you go out?” and I said “We throw in as many things as we can in one possible day. On an average day, we will drive to point B, head back to T, stop at LC, go to P, there’s nearly always a macaroon run .. and that’s like in the space of 4 or so hours. “ I thought about it for a bit, “It’s as if we’re dying and we need to stuff everything in.”
She started to laugh. “Holy shit lady.”
Maybe in the back of our minds, there was an unspoken expiry date. I guess some things are supposed to be bright, short sparks of light. And I really have so amazing memories, just thinking about it makes me stop and smile a bit, that maybe it was good that it ended where it ended so they can’t be dulled by other things.
I saw him for the last time last night, I had a helluva hard time looking him in the eyes, but maybe if I had looked him in the eyes, I would be not be doing as well as I am this morning. A conscious decision to forsake ache. We started as friends and we finish as friends. And now it’s time to truly truly let go.
The other thing I noticed during the past five or so days, is the tremendous amount of support that I’m getting from everyone. Firstly, I never doubt that my friends are there but they have really come through and I’m just fkn astonished - from taking my 4am phone calls to round the clock messaging and just general check-ups, even from people I don’t know that well.. There’s never been a time over this past week when I’ve felt actually alone and like I couldn’t reach out to someone and that is.. I can’t really express my love and gratitude in words.
Secondly, the thing that’s getting to me and is really just making me weepy like a child is the kindness of strangers. I think I already mentioned the upgrade from the young guy at the rental place. When I walked downstairs to my car last night I bumped into my neighbour and he asked me how I was doing. I really have to stop with this whole transparent face thing. I replied “Could be better.” And I gave him the briefest of rundowns.
Pretty much without any hesitation at all, he said “Forward me your resume and I’ll pass it onto HR, we’re always looking for people.” He ruffled around in his bag and gave me his business card. “That email would make it easiest.” And I was stunned. I think I kind of stammered some thanks, if I didn’t start away at that very second I was going to flood inner coastal NSW with tears. As I walked off he called out “chin up, tiger.” Like he was Mary Jane and I was Peter Parker [I could by dying of cholera and I’d still appreciate a good comic book reference. Sigh. Nerds.] And I couldn’t help it – I had to smile. The unbearable kindness of strangers.
/>
