A girl crush

Anyway as you noticed that lately I've been what you would call.. a misery guts [thats the light term for it] so I thought I would treat myself for a blow dry, since my hair exploded sideshow bob style and I was only holding it together by forty five bobby pins [sideshow bob? bobby pins.. thats some weird karmic correlation right there.]

Back to the topic, I shuffled off to the hairdresser- some Japanese salon around the corner and this very very cute girl y'know comes and washes my hair. And then when she was finished, she directs me back to my chair and says:

I massagie your head, ok? [Wahahaha.. do you know how much I enjoyed her saying that? I'm seriously a forty year old, orange-coloured white man wearing a fake rolex]

And then proceeds to give me the most spine-tingling head massage that I've ever ever and will ever receive. You know how some people just don't know where the points are and just end up massaging your eyebrows and your earlobes? Well, she didn't do that.

Eeee... I think I was half in love with her by the time she finished, or in lust. Or wanting to hire her as my permanent massage slave.

Sb thinks I should ask her out. Should you really ask someone out on the basis of a good massage? Wouldn't that make me tremendously shallow?! [yes. yes, it would.]

Deal or no deal

I just got offered a bit of a payrise to stay in this office longer.

Of course the obvious answer should be along the lines of "WAHAHAHAHAHA.. will you fuck off with yourself?"

But then I think.. [sigh] wouldn't an extra six hundred dollars help to take me to Taiwan to Saffron's wedding?

And then I think.. bugger that, I have just enough for an expensive handbag and what I want to do is lay down with it for a week.

then back to... "It's one of your best friends weddings.. Good fucking grief, get off your ass and go"

and then.... "But I'm tiiiiiired *whine and the people in this office are bitchy and lazy and don't eat salt n vinegar chips [even though bizaarely they buy it in bulk]"

After all this to-ing and fro-ing, when the time comes for me to answer the phone and do my job, my head is not even here anymore. "Hello, wedding dress. Mushmush speaking" and then the other person down the line says in befuddlement "Wedding dress? Isn't this Wynn Tressider?"

* Sorry no pictures lately, I can't hook my usb into this comp.

I'll stop talking about the office now

and let Dilbert do my talking. In fact, I think I'll just let Dilbert do all my talking from now on. [You'd like that wouldn't you?!]

No-one in this office eats

So I had a packet of salt n vinegar chips in the cupboard which I mentioned about two weeks ago and to my surprise when I opened it this morning, it was still there.

What kind of freaks ignore a packet of salt n vinegar chips?! What kind of sacrilege is this?!

Anyway I've been offering it to anybody who walks by and they just smile and say no. ..no...

The mind it truly boggles.

This is not really my kind of office, I need an office where people are stuffing chips into their mouths by the handful. [ This place is depressing me by the non eating, which in turn is making me eat more, its a vicious cycle]

Of course, its sort of hampering my ability to answer the phones when they can hear "Hmmpphllo? Rnnchhh rnnnchh" but you know its all in the name of the greater good, I'm slowly clearing out this place of all its food, so when people offer it to them, they don't have to shake their heads and smile politely.

Its an emotional epiphany!

*Bing. [lightbulb sound, sounds mildly nicer than *tncckk]

I am this very very angry person, and I never even realised that til today, and I'm channelling all my anger and resentment into this job and into my supervisor.

Of course, if you've ever seen me you'll say "Peh. She has anger? That girl is some sort of mouse"

But I'm at this office gig, my manager has ticked me off big time and all of a sudden I'm Angela from the Office [complete with icy glare and angry hushed tones], y'know that bitch you hate... I'm her!

So what exactly did my manager do? [She kicks kittens!] Well we usually car pool together in the morning where she'll pick me up. She didn't do that this morning, in fact she didn't even call me to tell she wasn't coming. I had to call her [do you see where this is going?] and she told me to catch a bus as she was going to be late.
What do you mean? How long exactly are you going to be??!
About half an hour.
Right. Its going to take me fifteen of that to walk to the bus stop and twenty of waiting and another half an hour of travel. Do you think that I'll still get there quicker if you pick me up?!
Take a taxi to the bus stop.
Okaaaay. Sure. Theres a taxi right outside my house now, no wait, no there isn't! [the sarcasm is now at its height]
Do the best you can do.

And then my head exploded into a million pieces and I had to catch the bus missing my most important body part.

Anyway she was at the office when I got there, all cheerful and no apologies!

I am trying really really really really hard to be civil but really I just want to smack her around with a blunt object.

My name is Mish and I'm a rage-aholic. Sigh. And I have work at the casino tonight too, I'm starting to look a little.. peeved. Nobody better ask me for a drink, otherwise they're going to hear me yelling "DRINK? DRINK?! why do you deserve a DRINK?!!" and then a kick in the nuts as an afterthought.

Scaring off future tenants. Ten Hail Marys

So I went home early today because I was snuffling all over the office. To come home to wipe up Minnie’s pee [sigh] when all of a sudden this strange lady popped up from nowhere.

Her: Excuse me?

Me: *screams and faints because my body is in a permanent half swoon

She then proceeds to tell me that she’s looking for a place for her son and three kids. I mean she seems like a nice enough person [other than the whole sneaking up on sick people thing] so I do what I think is right. I bitch about the house and the landlord. I point out that the roof is leaking and the broken gate is unsuitable for small children. I top it off with up some Mish-proof passive aggressiveness about how ultimately its up to her. She goes away disgusted with the landlord without even meeting him.

The whole thing left a really horrid aftertaste in my mouth [ I swear its not the strepsils]
Has this whole house thing made me so bitter that I have to ruin it for other people? But then the other side of my brain shrieks "You've saved her! Run lady! Run!"

I wonder how many hail Marys a priest makes you say for scaring off future tenants.

Sage advice

Stay away from Salt'n vinegar chips when you have a sore throat. It burns.

The various injuries I've sustained since I've been away

You can see how hard I've been working [or it may be an indication of my clumsiness.. I dunno]

*Cuts all over my feet from walking on broken glass. I broke glassware at work and it went into my shoes, and because I couldn't empty them in the middle of the floor I had to walk over them into the kitchen, and now my feet look like .. well.. you can play noughts and crosses on them.

*A smushed elbow from the bartender walking into it.

*A stubbed toe from tripping over in the shopping centre [Sb: again? theres nothing to trip over?? ]

* Bruises all over my back from the supermarket worker running into it with a trolley. I was standing in the aisle studying the shredded cheese and this stupid moronic imbecile [who should be desexed and not allowed to breed] piled her trolley so high she couldn't see where she was going and plowed straight into me. While I was nursing my back, the other customers took their time out to inform her what a halfwit she was . Cheese and idiots- a dangerous combination.

* Vinegar hands. I accidentally dumped vinegar all over Sb's head [It was an accident! I swear!]

* A broken heart, apparently its very easy to break.

Better one short boring post than none

I started a new job today. Its boring and involves stuffing envelopes. I know, I know you deserve a long post [and some funny stories.. Ta-dah! I have none!]

Some more upheaval for your plate

"I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind"
-Keane, Bad Dream

Sb and I broke up last night, it seems to be amicable enough. There are no tears shed and no plates thrown [we're just not the war of the roses type]. Just quiet resignation where words fail us. Nine years of history placed into moving boxes and transported across town.

Miserable week means no posting

I've has a miserable week. So in between scarfing up the Smirnoff Double blacks, I've been shutting myself away from the world and playing my Sims. [Ahhh.. Sims, so easy to control], of course in my hermit state, my hair decided to play up and sit on top of my head dry yet greasy, so maybe its just as well I decided to stay home.

So my dad, stepmum and two brothers have come down for a holiday. So naturally I'm apprehensive [or as my mum put it, I looked like a four year old mouse about to pee itself], my other set of parents and I don't have the most functional relationship. Well it started off interestingly enough, at my Great-uncles 80th birthday. I call it interesting, because thats what it was. My Stepmum is still very very very loud- even a throat operation cant stop that voice. My Dad is still the solid quiet type. And then you throw a bunch of religious hymns, bad food, several very cheesy speeches and a scared and very sober mouse into the mix, and you get well not a car crash exactly, but more like a cartoon where the hero gets repeatedly thumped on the head with a gavel.

I did drink ten glasses of various alcoholic beverages beforehand- but to no avail.

Anyway, as much as I wasn't looking forward to it, I knew that I should spend some time with my Dad and his family. However, he didn't call. So I sat all week by the phone [simming, cursing, waiting] wondering what exactly was wrong with me and what exactly was wrong with him for being so .. cold.. and leaving me with reoccuring abandonment issues the size of New York State.

Woo.. I'm not proud of that large chip of self pity that nestles so nicely on my shoulders. I'm thinking I wasn't much fun to be around [and neither was my hair nice to look at]

Its Tuesday night now, and he finally called last night. It makes me sad to think that we'll never really bridge that gap. But maybe its cos we're too much alike, we never pass water under the bridge, we hold too many grudges and now its too late. Its an ironic little twist and a miserable end to a miserable week.

Almost the world's ugliest shoe

Well this is not the world's ugliest shoe like I promised. But it comes a close second. I can't even think of an occasion where you can wear it. Clown Dances? Hoedowns? A wallpaper masquerade party

Ok I bag the shoe. But I kind of love the bow thing going across the top. I can't help it, its such a happy looking bow. Its not the kind of bow grouchy people wear [orrrrrr... sane people.. but thats a different boot altogether]

Sorry for the lack of posts lately

My phone hasnt been working and I cant upload photos. Boo.. Hiss.. for Nokia. I was going to write out an entire article on a guy I know who is dying .. but halfway through feeling sad and miserable in my bed seemed like a more viable option.

On a plus note. Its finally stopped raining [its really the most wonderful feeling to walk around in dry shoes]. On a negative note, My Dad and my stepmum are coming down to visit for a couple of weeks- so y'know its family melodramatics times forty hundred thousand million bazillion. [Annnnd now you know where I get my penchant for drama] On the other hand it might make for some interesting blog entries.

Well I guess if my phone/usb isn't working then you miss out on my modelling of the worlds ugliest shoes. I was seriously tempted to buy them just to see the reaction on peoples faces.
"Is that a purse on your shoe???" "
Yeah, now I don't need to carry a wallet!"
Well it was those or the apple green pumps.

You can't really be too sad wearing bright green shoes. Everyone should have a pair.

Karmas a bitch

These two young and healthy people parked in a disabled parking space on a day where everyone in the entire freaking car park [yes it was the rain] was on top of each other for spaces.
Annnnnd.. after getting back to the car discover they have a flat tire.. in which the boy [in the baseball cap] cannot figure out how to fix. See? thats why you don't park in a disabled parking space when you're not disabled, karma will come and bite you in the ass. And people like me will come along and take photoes of it on my mobile camera [all the while laughing and pointing]

Rain rain go away

So now that my exams are over..I'm completely bored [relieved yet bored], and outside its pissing down rain, which is annoying me because it means that Minnie is not peeing outside but peeing on my kitchen floor [the mop handle actually has my palm imprinted onto it] not once but six times a day. I'm not even giving her much water so I don't know where its coming from.

The rain is also hampering my ability to do laundry [as you can see lack of socks] and my motivation to go out and do my driving test*.

I blame the weather for my life not being as glamorous as it should be!

Oh oh lastly but not leastly has anyone had a dirty mother cocktail? Its made of tequila, kahlua and milk. Someone ordered it the other day and it tasted strangely of old shoes, but I think I must have a hankering for old shoes [or shoes in general] because I didn't hate it the way I'd normally throw up long island iced teas. Of course under the circumstances I had to pretend I hated it, but I could see myself ordering one and annoying the bartender to bits.
"A dirty mother? ....Yeah I said your mother!"**

* motivation? what motivation? whats motivation?
**I will show you my black eye that comes up from a punch up involving dirty mothers

Weekend restaurant madness

Its restaurant madness! Everything was great [except for the sardines.. why would you order sardines at a restaurant??]



Men and Kandy- that light at the back of their heads? is someone else across the street taking photos. Synchronicity!


Chicken impressing all the women at the table


She was duly impressed




The natural shot up the top didn't really work, so they turned to me instead [albeit reluctantly with maximum wheedling on my part].


Its like an art gallery! of poses! [I like how Teric's head is in the hole]


And lastly, the two of us.. remember me mentioning that bandaid? you can't see it cos I turned my photo quality down to low.. Muahahahahahah.

If you haven't tried tapas, try tapas.. its like yum cha for Spanish people.

Its a pimple story

I've had this massive pimple on my face for the last five days. Its not a normal pimple, its an angry ping pong ball pimple and I've been hiding it behind my hair during my weekdays at uni.
The weekend was coming up and it still wasn't gone so I thought I would pull out the big guns and use the ultimate pimple zapper.

Toothpaste. [Toothpaste carries some drying substance that shrinks it .. I've tried it before]

However.. however, we've recently switched toothpastes to some Colgate triple action mohokey and I placed it on my pimple. Did I mention this Colgate triple action mohokey is blue? neon blue?

So the time came for me to peel the paste off my face and it wouldn't peel off. The paste was not dry but sticky and clinging to my cheekbone. It also made my pimple neon blue. And it wouldn't wash off.

The weekend came and I didn't want to explain to every Tom, Dick and Harry at work why my acne was not um... acne coloured, so I slapped a bandaid over it and proceeded to wait on people.

My customers thought I had been beaten up! They were horrified and stricken, "what happened?" and I would sigh " Oh.. long story....." rinse, lather, repeat. One patron offered to beat up SB for me. Another tsked and looked at me sadly "Why would anyone fight you? You're so small, what kind of world are we coming to?"

Anyway the weekend is over and my face is still not back to normal. Its still blue. The lesson here is don't use Colgate triple action for any blemishes, well not unless you want colourful bits on your face.

Hey.... Macarena.

I was an incredibly dorky child. I listened to Hanson, I loved Nick Carter [back before he was a Paris Hilton-beating trainwreck] and I had a bowlcut which never seem to reach past my ears. I wore midriff tops with paint splattered denim cutoffs and if I wanted to 'dress up' I wore a black vest over a turquoise coloured turtleneck. I was the human epitome of uncool.

Anyway fast forward to today, where I'm slightly better but still have this horrifying tendency to lean towards poodle perms. [In fact, I'm currently sporting one thanks very much]

I was at work the other day and they started playing "The Macarena" on the tv [The Los Del Rio version] and I started chanting under my breath to the lyrics, this didn't perturb me much.

I glanced up at the screen, and thought "hmm.. hey if I concentrate sorta hard- I could probably remember the dance moves". I went back to wiping the tables.

And then I took one last look at the screen [wiping tables is boring] and then the *asian dancer came up. Theres this one screen shot where she grins at you all cutesy like and I almost fell over from mortification.

I used to wear that lipstick! I hunted around for that same lipstick because I thought it would make me look good! And now I realise that both you and I looked like jaundice victims chewing hubba bubba. Oh to be young and stupid.

Here you are I'm posting a picture of said asian girl. The colour for some reason is much better in the picture than the actual clip.




And thats what I wanted to emulate when I was twelve. I need to go lay down now.

The Height of Self Obsession

So yesterday SB came up to me and said in his most gravest of voices

"Mush, I have something to tell you, but Paul-Robinson doesn't think I should tell you because you'll get upset"

A this point I was thinking he was going to tell me George Clooney had died in the throes of passion with Bai Ling and I was fully prepared to sprawl on the floor and shriek 'Why her?!!! Why not ME??!!"

"I met a girl today, and she looked exactly like you.. I actually thought it was you"

"Oh," I said getting up off the floor "Is that all?.. Geez I thought you were going to tell me that George Clooney was dead"

Later when I had more time to ponder it, I decided that having a person that looked just like me could possibly be an excellent thing.

Me: So..? tell me all about her..
SB: her name is K, and she looks exactly like you except that shes slightly shorter. If shes your long lost twin sister and she wasn't brought up here, she probably has a calcium deficiency to explain it. Maybe you should ask your Dad if he did anything he shouldn't have.
Me: Ooh.. so the figure and everything huh?
SB: yeah the figure is the same
Me: so maybe you should bring her home! and we could have a threesome
SB: *goggles.
Me: I always wanted to know how I look during sex, and this could potentially be the way!
SB: *squeaks.. they have cameras for that sort of the thing
Me: Well its not really the same, I mean what if she arches and it looks funny then next time I could say to her "don't arch like that" and she could say "Yeah, I think we should lift our legs higher"
SB: .................. I think one of you is enough...
Me: Well even if its not about the sex, I'd still be okay if you dated her, because it'd be like you dating me! we could walk down the street together and freak everyone out

At this point, SB fell into a coma from the idea of handling two Mushes.

---------------------------------------

And now.. can I unveil the rock?




Its my Aunties Ring, I'm just borrowing it. Its handy for knuckle sandwiches and waving my hands flagrantly in peoples faces. Seriously that thing is the size of a golf ball, I'm a little bit in love with it.

The Rambles of a Weekend

I don't really have the words to describe this weekend. It was eventful yet not, if you asked me if I was busy- I would've said no, but I wasn't really at home every night either! so... [I should dispense with the wiffle waffle I 'm thinking]

Friday Night: Dilmahs Birthday
Saturday Night: SB's parents place.. and a wild detour for a puppy
Sunday Night: A double date at the Tomato Cafe

and of course I was working through the entire weekend. Which was strangely uneventful- I hope thats not a calm before the storm kind of thing, in which I come back next weekend and I'm fired or something.


I'm still waffling. Damn.

Weird Conversation 1#
[On the phone]
Me: Hey Mum, we're at the shops. what should we get for UP's [my stepdads] birthday? I was
thinking a bottle of wine.
Mm: Don't get wine! we have too much wine already!
Me: That really should've occurred to you like a hundred bottles ago.
Mm: ..
Me: So then what does he need?
Mm: Why are you buying a gift so late?? You're supposed to put more thought into it
Me: I did. I thought he would like a bottle of wine.
Mm: I know what you can get him
Me: yes...
Mm: Underwear, go and buy him some underwear from K-mart
Me: uh?wha? sorry? can you repeat that so my therapist can bill me some more????
Mm: He needs underwear, get a six pack from K-Mart
Me: Ma. I'm not buying him underwear and presenting it to him at the dinner table. I also don't want him thinking of me when he wears it *dry retches everywhere
Mm: Well its what he needs

SB in the background starts flailing in laughter.
Me: I have to go, SB is having a seizure.

Weird Conversation 2#
At work I spot a guy with one jean leg tucked into his boot, and one jean leg out. I'm staring at it because it looks something that I would do.
Cute guy: 1950's vintage boot.
Me: Oh, right

Where can I find a boyfriend who knows the origin of his shoes? we can discuss whether he thinks my heels are Audrey Hepburn-esque and whether this weekend we should go shoe shopping, because y'know we need new shoes.....

Onto other things.

Dilmah's Birthday.



The boy is a drunk hugger. Which is of course better than a drunk puncher. I happen to be a drunk arm waver.


The eminent Md


Md and Dilmah's girl




The Great Tomato Cafe Double Date

The thing about the Tomato Cafe is that I'm sort of in love with it. I mean its called the Tomato Cafe and it has these great furniture ideas , like couches instead of chairs, it could be gorgeous and yet its sort of derelict. See?




And the other thing about it is, that the waiter there is a fourteen year old boy. A very nice very cute fourteen year old boy, but hes only a freaking baby. And to top it off he doesn't speak much english. So every time we called him over, he looked stressed. He was sweating and there was only two tables. I felt really sorry for him, I wanted to pat him on the head and send him home. Of course, the others just made fun of him [the bastards]. At any rate, I don't really want to go back because I'm afraid the next time we go, he'll have heart failure and I don't want to really be responsible for his poor mothers grief. Ahem. [Again with the digression]



Theres not that many choices on the menu, I dunno why he's so deep in thought.



I guess that smile means that I'm paying


Its Dakota and her new bf... we'll call him Comic Book Guy... he seems nice enough


I had to crop my chin, It was taking up too much room


Thats my "I'm missing Greys Anatomy" face. See the despair?


And that was my weekend. [And I have still yet to talk about the macarena, or the missing puppies or.. y'know I think I'll save those for a later post]