The various injuries I've sustained since I've been away

You can see how hard I've been working [or it may be an indication of my clumsiness.. I dunno]

*Cuts all over my feet from walking on broken glass. I broke glassware at work and it went into my shoes, and because I couldn't empty them in the middle of the floor I had to walk over them into the kitchen, and now my feet look like .. well.. you can play noughts and crosses on them.

*A smushed elbow from the bartender walking into it.

*A stubbed toe from tripping over in the shopping centre [Sb: again? theres nothing to trip over?? ]

* Bruises all over my back from the supermarket worker running into it with a trolley. I was standing in the aisle studying the shredded cheese and this stupid moronic imbecile [who should be desexed and not allowed to breed] piled her trolley so high she couldn't see where she was going and plowed straight into me. While I was nursing my back, the other customers took their time out to inform her what a halfwit she was . Cheese and idiots- a dangerous combination.

* Vinegar hands. I accidentally dumped vinegar all over Sb's head [It was an accident! I swear!]

* A broken heart, apparently its very easy to break.

Better one short boring post than none

I started a new job today. Its boring and involves stuffing envelopes. I know, I know you deserve a long post [and some funny stories.. Ta-dah! I have none!]

Some more upheaval for your plate

"I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind"
-Keane, Bad Dream

Sb and I broke up last night, it seems to be amicable enough. There are no tears shed and no plates thrown [we're just not the war of the roses type]. Just quiet resignation where words fail us. Nine years of history placed into moving boxes and transported across town.

Miserable week means no posting

I've has a miserable week. So in between scarfing up the Smirnoff Double blacks, I've been shutting myself away from the world and playing my Sims. [Ahhh.. Sims, so easy to control], of course in my hermit state, my hair decided to play up and sit on top of my head dry yet greasy, so maybe its just as well I decided to stay home.

So my dad, stepmum and two brothers have come down for a holiday. So naturally I'm apprehensive [or as my mum put it, I looked like a four year old mouse about to pee itself], my other set of parents and I don't have the most functional relationship. Well it started off interestingly enough, at my Great-uncles 80th birthday. I call it interesting, because thats what it was. My Stepmum is still very very very loud- even a throat operation cant stop that voice. My Dad is still the solid quiet type. And then you throw a bunch of religious hymns, bad food, several very cheesy speeches and a scared and very sober mouse into the mix, and you get well not a car crash exactly, but more like a cartoon where the hero gets repeatedly thumped on the head with a gavel.

I did drink ten glasses of various alcoholic beverages beforehand- but to no avail.

Anyway, as much as I wasn't looking forward to it, I knew that I should spend some time with my Dad and his family. However, he didn't call. So I sat all week by the phone [simming, cursing, waiting] wondering what exactly was wrong with me and what exactly was wrong with him for being so .. cold.. and leaving me with reoccuring abandonment issues the size of New York State.

Woo.. I'm not proud of that large chip of self pity that nestles so nicely on my shoulders. I'm thinking I wasn't much fun to be around [and neither was my hair nice to look at]

Its Tuesday night now, and he finally called last night. It makes me sad to think that we'll never really bridge that gap. But maybe its cos we're too much alike, we never pass water under the bridge, we hold too many grudges and now its too late. Its an ironic little twist and a miserable end to a miserable week.

Almost the world's ugliest shoe

Well this is not the world's ugliest shoe like I promised. But it comes a close second. I can't even think of an occasion where you can wear it. Clown Dances? Hoedowns? A wallpaper masquerade party

Ok I bag the shoe. But I kind of love the bow thing going across the top. I can't help it, its such a happy looking bow. Its not the kind of bow grouchy people wear [orrrrrr... sane people.. but thats a different boot altogether]

Sorry for the lack of posts lately

My phone hasnt been working and I cant upload photos. Boo.. Hiss.. for Nokia. I was going to write out an entire article on a guy I know who is dying .. but halfway through feeling sad and miserable in my bed seemed like a more viable option.

On a plus note. Its finally stopped raining [its really the most wonderful feeling to walk around in dry shoes]. On a negative note, My Dad and my stepmum are coming down to visit for a couple of weeks- so y'know its family melodramatics times forty hundred thousand million bazillion. [Annnnd now you know where I get my penchant for drama] On the other hand it might make for some interesting blog entries.

Well I guess if my phone/usb isn't working then you miss out on my modelling of the worlds ugliest shoes. I was seriously tempted to buy them just to see the reaction on peoples faces.
"Is that a purse on your shoe???" "
Yeah, now I don't need to carry a wallet!"
Well it was those or the apple green pumps.

You can't really be too sad wearing bright green shoes. Everyone should have a pair.

Karmas a bitch

These two young and healthy people parked in a disabled parking space on a day where everyone in the entire freaking car park [yes it was the rain] was on top of each other for spaces.
Annnnnd.. after getting back to the car discover they have a flat tire.. in which the boy [in the baseball cap] cannot figure out how to fix. See? thats why you don't park in a disabled parking space when you're not disabled, karma will come and bite you in the ass. And people like me will come along and take photoes of it on my mobile camera [all the while laughing and pointing]

Rain rain go away

So now that my exams are over..I'm completely bored [relieved yet bored], and outside its pissing down rain, which is annoying me because it means that Minnie is not peeing outside but peeing on my kitchen floor [the mop handle actually has my palm imprinted onto it] not once but six times a day. I'm not even giving her much water so I don't know where its coming from.

The rain is also hampering my ability to do laundry [as you can see lack of socks] and my motivation to go out and do my driving test*.

I blame the weather for my life not being as glamorous as it should be!

Oh oh lastly but not leastly has anyone had a dirty mother cocktail? Its made of tequila, kahlua and milk. Someone ordered it the other day and it tasted strangely of old shoes, but I think I must have a hankering for old shoes [or shoes in general] because I didn't hate it the way I'd normally throw up long island iced teas. Of course under the circumstances I had to pretend I hated it, but I could see myself ordering one and annoying the bartender to bits.
"A dirty mother? ....Yeah I said your mother!"**

* motivation? what motivation? whats motivation?
**I will show you my black eye that comes up from a punch up involving dirty mothers

Weekend restaurant madness

Its restaurant madness! Everything was great [except for the sardines.. why would you order sardines at a restaurant??]



Men and Kandy- that light at the back of their heads? is someone else across the street taking photos. Synchronicity!


Chicken impressing all the women at the table


She was duly impressed




The natural shot up the top didn't really work, so they turned to me instead [albeit reluctantly with maximum wheedling on my part].


Its like an art gallery! of poses! [I like how Teric's head is in the hole]


And lastly, the two of us.. remember me mentioning that bandaid? you can't see it cos I turned my photo quality down to low.. Muahahahahahah.

If you haven't tried tapas, try tapas.. its like yum cha for Spanish people.

Its a pimple story

I've had this massive pimple on my face for the last five days. Its not a normal pimple, its an angry ping pong ball pimple and I've been hiding it behind my hair during my weekdays at uni.
The weekend was coming up and it still wasn't gone so I thought I would pull out the big guns and use the ultimate pimple zapper.

Toothpaste. [Toothpaste carries some drying substance that shrinks it .. I've tried it before]

However.. however, we've recently switched toothpastes to some Colgate triple action mohokey and I placed it on my pimple. Did I mention this Colgate triple action mohokey is blue? neon blue?

So the time came for me to peel the paste off my face and it wouldn't peel off. The paste was not dry but sticky and clinging to my cheekbone. It also made my pimple neon blue. And it wouldn't wash off.

The weekend came and I didn't want to explain to every Tom, Dick and Harry at work why my acne was not um... acne coloured, so I slapped a bandaid over it and proceeded to wait on people.

My customers thought I had been beaten up! They were horrified and stricken, "what happened?" and I would sigh " Oh.. long story....." rinse, lather, repeat. One patron offered to beat up SB for me. Another tsked and looked at me sadly "Why would anyone fight you? You're so small, what kind of world are we coming to?"

Anyway the weekend is over and my face is still not back to normal. Its still blue. The lesson here is don't use Colgate triple action for any blemishes, well not unless you want colourful bits on your face.

Hey.... Macarena.

I was an incredibly dorky child. I listened to Hanson, I loved Nick Carter [back before he was a Paris Hilton-beating trainwreck] and I had a bowlcut which never seem to reach past my ears. I wore midriff tops with paint splattered denim cutoffs and if I wanted to 'dress up' I wore a black vest over a turquoise coloured turtleneck. I was the human epitome of uncool.

Anyway fast forward to today, where I'm slightly better but still have this horrifying tendency to lean towards poodle perms. [In fact, I'm currently sporting one thanks very much]

I was at work the other day and they started playing "The Macarena" on the tv [The Los Del Rio version] and I started chanting under my breath to the lyrics, this didn't perturb me much.

I glanced up at the screen, and thought "hmm.. hey if I concentrate sorta hard- I could probably remember the dance moves". I went back to wiping the tables.

And then I took one last look at the screen [wiping tables is boring] and then the *asian dancer came up. Theres this one screen shot where she grins at you all cutesy like and I almost fell over from mortification.

I used to wear that lipstick! I hunted around for that same lipstick because I thought it would make me look good! And now I realise that both you and I looked like jaundice victims chewing hubba bubba. Oh to be young and stupid.

Here you are I'm posting a picture of said asian girl. The colour for some reason is much better in the picture than the actual clip.




And thats what I wanted to emulate when I was twelve. I need to go lay down now.

The Height of Self Obsession

So yesterday SB came up to me and said in his most gravest of voices

"Mush, I have something to tell you, but Paul-Robinson doesn't think I should tell you because you'll get upset"

A this point I was thinking he was going to tell me George Clooney had died in the throes of passion with Bai Ling and I was fully prepared to sprawl on the floor and shriek 'Why her?!!! Why not ME??!!"

"I met a girl today, and she looked exactly like you.. I actually thought it was you"

"Oh," I said getting up off the floor "Is that all?.. Geez I thought you were going to tell me that George Clooney was dead"

Later when I had more time to ponder it, I decided that having a person that looked just like me could possibly be an excellent thing.

Me: So..? tell me all about her..
SB: her name is K, and she looks exactly like you except that shes slightly shorter. If shes your long lost twin sister and she wasn't brought up here, she probably has a calcium deficiency to explain it. Maybe you should ask your Dad if he did anything he shouldn't have.
Me: Ooh.. so the figure and everything huh?
SB: yeah the figure is the same
Me: so maybe you should bring her home! and we could have a threesome
SB: *goggles.
Me: I always wanted to know how I look during sex, and this could potentially be the way!
SB: *squeaks.. they have cameras for that sort of the thing
Me: Well its not really the same, I mean what if she arches and it looks funny then next time I could say to her "don't arch like that" and she could say "Yeah, I think we should lift our legs higher"
SB: .................. I think one of you is enough...
Me: Well even if its not about the sex, I'd still be okay if you dated her, because it'd be like you dating me! we could walk down the street together and freak everyone out

At this point, SB fell into a coma from the idea of handling two Mushes.

---------------------------------------

And now.. can I unveil the rock?




Its my Aunties Ring, I'm just borrowing it. Its handy for knuckle sandwiches and waving my hands flagrantly in peoples faces. Seriously that thing is the size of a golf ball, I'm a little bit in love with it.

The Rambles of a Weekend

I don't really have the words to describe this weekend. It was eventful yet not, if you asked me if I was busy- I would've said no, but I wasn't really at home every night either! so... [I should dispense with the wiffle waffle I 'm thinking]

Friday Night: Dilmahs Birthday
Saturday Night: SB's parents place.. and a wild detour for a puppy
Sunday Night: A double date at the Tomato Cafe

and of course I was working through the entire weekend. Which was strangely uneventful- I hope thats not a calm before the storm kind of thing, in which I come back next weekend and I'm fired or something.


I'm still waffling. Damn.

Weird Conversation 1#
[On the phone]
Me: Hey Mum, we're at the shops. what should we get for UP's [my stepdads] birthday? I was
thinking a bottle of wine.
Mm: Don't get wine! we have too much wine already!
Me: That really should've occurred to you like a hundred bottles ago.
Mm: ..
Me: So then what does he need?
Mm: Why are you buying a gift so late?? You're supposed to put more thought into it
Me: I did. I thought he would like a bottle of wine.
Mm: I know what you can get him
Me: yes...
Mm: Underwear, go and buy him some underwear from K-mart
Me: uh?wha? sorry? can you repeat that so my therapist can bill me some more????
Mm: He needs underwear, get a six pack from K-Mart
Me: Ma. I'm not buying him underwear and presenting it to him at the dinner table. I also don't want him thinking of me when he wears it *dry retches everywhere
Mm: Well its what he needs

SB in the background starts flailing in laughter.
Me: I have to go, SB is having a seizure.

Weird Conversation 2#
At work I spot a guy with one jean leg tucked into his boot, and one jean leg out. I'm staring at it because it looks something that I would do.
Cute guy: 1950's vintage boot.
Me: Oh, right

Where can I find a boyfriend who knows the origin of his shoes? we can discuss whether he thinks my heels are Audrey Hepburn-esque and whether this weekend we should go shoe shopping, because y'know we need new shoes.....

Onto other things.

Dilmah's Birthday.



The boy is a drunk hugger. Which is of course better than a drunk puncher. I happen to be a drunk arm waver.


The eminent Md


Md and Dilmah's girl




The Great Tomato Cafe Double Date

The thing about the Tomato Cafe is that I'm sort of in love with it. I mean its called the Tomato Cafe and it has these great furniture ideas , like couches instead of chairs, it could be gorgeous and yet its sort of derelict. See?




And the other thing about it is, that the waiter there is a fourteen year old boy. A very nice very cute fourteen year old boy, but hes only a freaking baby. And to top it off he doesn't speak much english. So every time we called him over, he looked stressed. He was sweating and there was only two tables. I felt really sorry for him, I wanted to pat him on the head and send him home. Of course, the others just made fun of him [the bastards]. At any rate, I don't really want to go back because I'm afraid the next time we go, he'll have heart failure and I don't want to really be responsible for his poor mothers grief. Ahem. [Again with the digression]



Theres not that many choices on the menu, I dunno why he's so deep in thought.



I guess that smile means that I'm paying


Its Dakota and her new bf... we'll call him Comic Book Guy... he seems nice enough


I had to crop my chin, It was taking up too much room


Thats my "I'm missing Greys Anatomy" face. See the despair?


And that was my weekend. [And I have still yet to talk about the macarena, or the missing puppies or.. y'know I think I'll save those for a later post]

The Pros and cons of another puppy.

While other people around the world are attending parties and passing out on coke and magic mushrooms. I'm sitting here trying to decide if I'm fiscally and emotionally responsible enough to buy another puppy. [Seriously, I'm so boring- I want to be passed out on something or at least snockered on apple schnapps somewhere, but alas my cupboard only carries peach so no wholesale imbibing for me.]

In any case, I'm thinking of getting an new puppy. I've been thinking of it for a while. I went to DoggyRescue, and SB spent so much time dragging his feet that by the time he changed his mind, the doggie I wanted was gone [hopefully to a good home, he deserves it.]

So Mexicana dragged me to another pet store, where I met her..




She is without a doubt freaking adorable.

But of course me being me, cannot buy a puppy without completely overanalysing, reanalysing. second guessing and then coming back to overanalyse some more. [Don't worry, I'm completely neurotic- I can do the same with a pair of shoes. Hours upon hours of hemming and hawing]


Pros:

It'd be nice to have the company, our family could do with some expansion.

I think Minnie could do with a little sister, I'd like Minnie to be less lonely.

Cons:

She is really really really expensive. Shes not kind of expensive. Shes the I-only-have-two-pennies-left expensive.

I'm not happy about giving that much money to a pet store. I'm well aware of the crappy reputation that pet stores have and I'm not really sure I want to contribute to it.

I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for another puppy. I'm even less sure that SB is [feet-dragger].

Peanut Butter= Orgasm

When I was fifteen I started developing allergies. Not haha allergies, but allergies that blew my hands up to Mickey Mouse proportions. For weeks I was waving my man hands in peoples faces. When I went to the doctor he said I was allergic to [deep breath]

prawns.
lobsters.
yeast.
certain types of grass

and.. peanuts!

peanuts!

I had to give up my beloved peanut butter to save my hands.

At any point, during these last nine years my allergies have subsided enough so that I can eat most of these foods [you have no idea how cranky I've been at family dinners when lobster and crab were passed around and all I had was strawberry ice cream and fried rice]

but I haven't had peanut butter til today.

And Oh Lord, it was a reunion in my mouth, I sat there with a jar of it frantically shovelling it down my maw. I think at one point I let out an audible sob.



So peanut butter, my bestest buddy, my soulmate- we are once again reunited. Fate shall not divide us again! [Its crunchy all the way, none of that wussy smooth stuff]

My personal campaign of terror

A few months ago on a busy Saturday evening, a patron asked me for a hot chocolate. Being the wonderful and delightful server that I am, I agreed.

Anyway he drank a mouthful of chocolate and a mouthful of blood, because the glass had a chip in its side and he had split his lip. In any case, he wasn't too happy about redrinking his own fluids. [Well, you coulda sorta tell by his face- he obviously couldn't really talk.]

Cut to yesterday, I was picking up empty and sort of empty glasses, but this one glass was slathered in vaseline [ok, no it wasn't] and it slipped straight out of my fingers and bounced onto the floor and all the liquid cascaded up and splashed the same customer all over the face and all over his jacket.

The same fricking customer.

The same ?%$&#$@%$%^$ing customer.

To put it mildly, he was infuriated. And as compensation, he demanded twenty five lattes. I made twenty five frigging lattes. Although now that I look back, I'm glad he didn't demand my head on a pike and my firstborn child because thats what I think he was really aiming for.

Anyway third times the charm- I hope to go the next six months without somehow decapitating him. Although don't be surprised if you read in the paper- "Freak spray of cards kills poker player, waitress denies involvement."

[Don't worry, I didn't just get it from him, I'm now known around the casino and down its hallways as the girl that serves coffee on you, not to you. My reputation precedes me, I think I will go lie down now]

I'm not adulterous. Just violent.

If you listen to the gossip of the casino, well then you must be very bored. Anyway I was so insanely bored that I left early.

But not before one of my bartenders pulled me aside to tell me the gaming supe wanted to ask me out.

Huh.

Of course theres the niggling fact that I have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend [thats not a freaking niggle by the way, thats the empire state building squashing you sideways]

oh and that I don't date people from work. I just don't. The Casino pays my bills but that may be the nicest thing I ever say about it. Some people are nice and some people have been working there so long that its addled their brains to the point where we need to herd them onto a type of farm.

Anyway if he asks [says the unsubstantiated gossip] I will catapult across the room and ninja kick him in the nuts. Or maybe I'll just politely refuse [which sounds a little more like me]

Things that:

Since nothing really interesting is happening in my life.. its time for some lists!

Ta-dah!

Things that gross me out: [ummm.. no pictures]

1. Peeling prawns. Especially twisting the head off because when you do black goo spills out followed by unidentifiable yellow mush. Also prawns are distant cousins to cockroaches. Therefore what I'm really peeling is a sea cockroach.

2. Anatomy for Beginners. Apparently you can peel a man's balls like an orange. You just slice and then take the outer layer right off, leaving you with um... balls...maggot coloured balls. Its as gross as it sounds. Oh and just for fun the professor [of Horror!] takes a pin and sticks it in the tip of the [non skin covered] penis. I almost ralphed.

3. Speaking of ralphing. Guess who threw up spaghetti-os in the bathroom? Its a lovely orange and red colour. And the aftertaste in your mouth tastes like lemons. Cheesy lemons.

And now .. who feels like dinner with me?!

SB's birthday

So it was SB's birthday, and I will dispense with the mushy stuff so you all don't gag all over your keyboards [but i wuv himmm, wuv himmm 4eva! SB4MushMush!]

Ha I lied, commence regurgitation.

Anyhoo I thought I would just post a billion pictures. And do some random commentary, you know you love random commentary.





So yes, as I mentioned before I gave SB a bubble machine for his birthday, he enjoyed it. But Minnie not so much enjoying being sprayed by bubbles.

So at night time we went for dinner in Thai Pathong. Seriously the restaurant is gorgeous, full of gay waiters, pretty cocktails and art for sale.


Frank and Sue


Um.. The birthday boy is giving me gangster fingers




I did mention the cocktails?


Joanne and Caroline






Alan and Christine


Cake!


Me: Thats not a knife......


SB: Are you seriously quoting Dundee to me? now?


It's a birthday surprise


Yes, that bag spent on a whole night on my lap. There was nowhere to put it. I am not showing off.

The guy in black is our waiter. remember the customer is always right and if they ask you to pose then pose!


And just for fun at a completely different restaurant, well this is kind of self explanatory. I think there is food on his tongue.

Shh..

Its Sb's birthday present.

Not yet wrapped for tomorrow. I hope its a sunny day for us to take it outside.