Where did summer go?

I was going to write a huge post about being burned by ebay but then it made me too mad and I'm going to end up slandering that *asshole all over the internet. And I refrain, because I'm too mature. Asshole.. asshole.. asshole I hope he accidentally glues his hand to his face and people will have to call him facehand for the rest of his life. And they'll laugh at him but he won't be able to see because of his hand on his face, so he'll have to suffer eternal snickers and scorn. Ahem.

Anyway ..

where has summer gone? It was kind of lost in a blur of wind and rain and I miss .. well I just miss hanging out with friends over the summer holidays. I mean, going out and getting smushed out of your face is one thing.

Observe. Above and beyond my head.



I mean it's fun! [It's alcohol, people!] But sometimes it doesn't really compare to a day hanging out with your friends at the beach. And I would know because everytime I head to the beach it will rain 99.9999% of the time. [The other 0.0001% will involve me being stung by a jellyfish or drowning. Good times]

I live in Sydney and I don't even get to go to the beach as much as I want to- it's kind of a waste. Anyway I thought I'd share some of my summer snaps, I'm thinking of them as I huddle here in a blanket next to a heater drinking warm water [erk.]















If you maximise times 1000, you can see my hello kitty tattoo on my muffin top.





See? Don't annoy Mexicana, you'll end up Sweeney Todd style


Mm.. Pretty.. In fact I'm starting to think I take really good food pictures. I might go and become a food photographer


After that, we all became pirates and put bottle caps over our eyes but I'm not posting those up because I will be one dead temporary pirate.



And thats the Japan collage. Which is kind of silly, I should have posted that up instead of posting the actual photoes. It would've been sixteen times quicker. Eh.

I miss summer. I miss a lot of things.

Asian brides. Rice lovers.

I was surfing the pages of Salon.com when I spied this advertorial. [Shame on you Salon!]

"Asians for love and marriage"

Underneath the [I admit] fairly attractive but mostly photoshopped pictures were the base details of each one such as:

Heeha
Age: 16
City: Guangzhou
Height:152 cm
Weighs: 45kg

OK I made that one up, but that's exactly what they were like! It's horrifying! It's like selling cattle, and what is with the weight thing? Not looking for an overly obese rice pudding to break you during a lap dance? what is that? And I have never seen any other ads even remotely similar.
Imagine the outroar that would accompany "Muslims for love and marriage" or even "Africans for love and marriage" all done up in cutesy pink font.

I closed that ad, but my curiosity was piqued so I thought I would do some 'research' online

And then "Have you ever thought of an Asian woman? you should! And with our help it can take only [a] few moments to find her, your beautiful Asian bride. your Asian wife"

That is beyond ghastly, thats.... these poor saps are expecting a demure Lucy Liu in an express envelope and I wouldn't be surprised [or particularly worried] if dragon woman Lucy Liu came out of the box and strangled them to death with her magic hair pin and ran off with all their money. Of course, if it happened they kind of deserve it for being so STUPID.

It's too bad they wouldn't let me copy photo's.. because some of them I think.. are d-list celebrity photos. Whoops. Someone wasn't being honest on their application.

And then there's the site which gives tips on how to date asian ladies.

11. In a date, men are expected to pay for dinner, shows and other expenses. Sharing the cost is too advanced manner for her during dating.
[suckers. born. every. minute]

13. Most ladies are too shy to say "I love you". They may say "I like you" instead.
[It might be because she doesn't actually love you, you're so hopeless you need to buy a wife?!]

And then no more tips, if you want more tips you're going to have to buy the book. No joke. The book is $25 US dollars. And answers such niggling questions such as "Do Chinese women find western men attractive?" and "Can I discuss sex with her?".

This site [I'm trembling with glee here] also has men's profiles! And we have pictures!.. ready? ready?


:
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:
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:
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Hey there's K-Fed! Or his vastly poorer counterpart. Wait, no K-Fed doesn't have a moustache. Well ladies, what do you think? Would you like one to buy you home? [Why is it so cold in here? I have shivers].
Guy A up the top doesn't even need his wife to be attractive! or as he puts it "minimal attraction' is required. Perfect for those dates where you have no chemistry at all. And the number of spelling mistakes! I think I will hire out my services to fix up their ads. [careing? intelegent? a little effort please?]

Aww.. come on. Someone help them out with their yellow fever. Someone volunteer. Give them a banana.

And I didn't even pick the worst of them, there's thirty nine pages of these men looking for.. somewhere to put their spring rolls. I had to close it before my eyes rolled straight out of my head.

Too late. *feels around for eyes on computer table.

So anyway what have I learned today?

Well actually I haven't learned anything. I'm still skeeved and grossed out by all of it. All of it! I wish these men the best of luck, hopefully they won't abuse their chinese brides and their brides won't try to stab them in the foot with a satay skewer.

Oh my poor neglected blog [Photo update..hurrah!]

*point fingers.

Not my fault. eek.

Anyway I thought I would just post some random photos from my time in Melbourne [including my beloved cow in a tree] .. not much has happened Dennis Rodman almost whonked me in the head [he was flailing], I'm still looking for a job.. but other than that life is quiet.
I don't know if that's a good thing. Oh, also I saw my cousin's girlfriend on tv- that sort of made my day [well I haven't won lotto yet! things like that make my day. Shut up]

I mean the bulk of my thoughts are .. should I buy this bag online? should I eat this chip? where should I go for my next holiday? Truly, I'm getting shallower as I get older.

Anyway photoes.





See? one of the many reasons I looooove Melbourne is that everywhere you go [especially in the CBD] there'll be just be random sculptures, you're always surrounded by art. You can't see it properly but he has two similar man friends behind him and also I love his expression.. its sort "Ooh... Prada bag!"



I know I look pregnant, but I'm not. Blame the dress.



I'm sorry, I just need to camwhore my extensions. I love my extensions. My hair now looks so blah, healthy but blah.




Its as happy as you can get with a giant fan





Even the toilets are multi coloured. Hows that for dedication?



I don't know who owes who what. But this is quite cool, and there were two art students trying to get their reflections on film. Actually you can see him in the I.



Being attacked by a giant rabbit, it can only happen to me [and also to the knights in the holy grail.. yes, spamalot was playing while I was there.. why do you ask?]




Aww.. so cute.



I think working in this building would make me happy.Its rainbow coloured!



And in case the postie misses it, the building number is 60. Actually all the numbers on this street are like that. Its pretty cool for the near sighted postmen/women and for me. I want one except there's no way it'd fit in my yard.


EEE! Cow in tree!



And there's his butt. Coolest butt ever.
I actually had to wait a bit before taking these because there was a conglomerate of teenagers camped around the tree, with backpacks and everything. I don't know why. Maybe the cow calls people to join it or something. Cow cults? I think they have those in India. Anyway



It really just boggles my mind how effort goes into designing buildings in Melbourne. I don't really like this building but I can appreciate what they're trying to do. I can't remember what the effect was called but it has something to do with straightlines and colour windows creating an optical illusion. Its not my favourite but its still awesome.



Hee. Apparently I'm five and a half. I think it's supposed to be a woman. Well, I think. Her face is kind of masculine, but she has the appropriate womanly bits.. so maybe the sculptor was trying to make a point about androgny? The owner of the cafe came out to look at me the tee-heeing tourist. Whoops.



I didn't take a photo of the shop, but there's a shop in Melbourne called Lord of the fries and they do fries in every sauce you can think of- this is mayonnaise, tomato sauce and garlic onion and I am drooling just thinking of it. The twisties I'm eating now are not really any comparison. Well they are zig zag twisties and they're pretty nice but still no comparison



Another random mural on the street.



And inside the crown casino .. and why can't Star City put a little effort in? huh? HUH?



I don't this random fool but she kept wandering into my shot so I guess I just have to post her. Whoever and wherever you are I hate you! If the dragon was alive it'd eat you for being annoying.



Her arm is still in the goddamn shot. Even her arm annoys me. [Yes, I'm a leet graphic designer and no I didn't crop her. Shut up.]


Hey, the fish were cute.


So pretty, I think it's an upside down rabbit.

And then we went to Nobu. Nobu of the reputation Nobu. And as you can see fron Sb's face, he's like thats it? well .. he kinda deserved it for ordering stir fry from Nobu.



Its heaps dark in there. Mood lighting. Even the bathroom is dark, you can't even see where you're washing your hands.



That's his stirfry [It does look pretty]. I ordered wagyu beef but I ate some before I could take a photo [whoops] and the scallops with wasabi mayonnaise was divine, my mouth died and went to heaven and hasn't come back yet to normal food.



Errmm. Half eaten.



The tempura was standard though. But then I grew up on tempura I kind of think all tempura is standard. Eh. Well it was nothing special anyway.

And that was our nobu experience, there are no pictures of me cos it was too dark and I wasn't sitting under any lighting but trust me I looked great [ha]



And then we went to St Kilda and I really have nothing to say about it, except thats it? I was expecting a Manly/Glebe type atmosphere but there was nothing there. I was expecting bookstores and markets [it was the weekend] but it was just houses. All I can say is durn.
And also Luna Park was closed for renovations. Yeah, nothing.

So then we went back to the CBD, where for my birthday .. I decided to go to jail [what? what? it sounded interesting!]. What I was expecting from Old Melbourne Gaol was well .. not much, maybe a five minute walk. However, we got lined up with a policeman acting as a tour guide and fifteen other tourists. This policeman was exceptionally grouchy [or maybe he was playing grouchy] and he lined us all in row and started yelling at us! I was about to burst into giggles but I didn't think it was a good idea in case he pulled me out and started spanking me or something. Or something.

He particularly had it in for this old man and kept berating him, admittedly the old man was kind of stupid but by the end of it, the old man was REALLY REALLY pissed off, he was glowering at the policeman- lucky, he wasn't stupid enough to actually punch him out. Yes, he paid and we paid to get yelled at. [Well, he didn't yell at me mostly because I wasn't game enough to look him in the eye]



And then he locked us all in this cell. In the dark. For about ten minutes. It really wasn't the best idea for a birthday I had ever had. It really is as dingy as it looks. And don't worry those marks on the walls are not blood stains- they're water marks. [Because that makes me feel so much better]



And in the padded cell. There are "water marks" in there as well. Apparently some tourists
managed to lock themselves in there for four hours. Those were some smart tourists.



And the door to the padded cell, from the scuff marks I presume they didn't want to go IN.



Haha.. I should send it to his mum to freak her out.



Criminal! The lighting is just shoddy in this room. Yerk.






I guess if the physio thing doesn't work out, he can always be a blacksmith.



These are so cute. I was going to buy one, but I couldn't figure out which of my friends would want a Ned Kelly doll.



This was on wall in Chinatown, I don't know how many of us troublesome chinese actually listen to it! Of course it was situated right next to a restaurant called "Mao Please!" which was hysterical and ironic and tragic all at the same time.





It has things on the menu like Mao's spicy beef and Mao spicy chicken and uhh... Mao spicy lamb. You get the idea that Mao liked spicy things. However this proprietor must have greatly underestimated the cult of Mao in Australia because I headed straight for an Italian restaurant with white sauce and fish. Mm.. white sauce.





I'm thinking it tasted a thousand times better than Mao beef jerky.



Hee. In the middle of federation square there's a couple of flashing signs where you can sms your message of love/hate/indifference/wanting for a hamburger. And so we smsed it and the stupid thing never came up! But then there's an even larger tv on the other side and so we smsed that and whee!! fifteen seconds to say whatever the hell I wanted. To everyone! In federation square!
And by the fourth day I missed Minnie. So well there's an eternal declaration immortalised to my stupid barky sausage dog. Yes, I missed her.





Awwww.. I'm going to miss it. Bummer.