Oh my poor neglected blog [Photo update..hurrah!]

*point fingers.

Not my fault. eek.

Anyway I thought I would just post some random photos from my time in Melbourne [including my beloved cow in a tree] .. not much has happened Dennis Rodman almost whonked me in the head [he was flailing], I'm still looking for a job.. but other than that life is quiet.
I don't know if that's a good thing. Oh, also I saw my cousin's girlfriend on tv- that sort of made my day [well I haven't won lotto yet! things like that make my day. Shut up]

I mean the bulk of my thoughts are .. should I buy this bag online? should I eat this chip? where should I go for my next holiday? Truly, I'm getting shallower as I get older.

Anyway photoes.





See? one of the many reasons I looooove Melbourne is that everywhere you go [especially in the CBD] there'll be just be random sculptures, you're always surrounded by art. You can't see it properly but he has two similar man friends behind him and also I love his expression.. its sort "Ooh... Prada bag!"



I know I look pregnant, but I'm not. Blame the dress.



I'm sorry, I just need to camwhore my extensions. I love my extensions. My hair now looks so blah, healthy but blah.




Its as happy as you can get with a giant fan





Even the toilets are multi coloured. Hows that for dedication?



I don't know who owes who what. But this is quite cool, and there were two art students trying to get their reflections on film. Actually you can see him in the I.



Being attacked by a giant rabbit, it can only happen to me [and also to the knights in the holy grail.. yes, spamalot was playing while I was there.. why do you ask?]




Aww.. so cute.



I think working in this building would make me happy.Its rainbow coloured!



And in case the postie misses it, the building number is 60. Actually all the numbers on this street are like that. Its pretty cool for the near sighted postmen/women and for me. I want one except there's no way it'd fit in my yard.


EEE! Cow in tree!



And there's his butt. Coolest butt ever.
I actually had to wait a bit before taking these because there was a conglomerate of teenagers camped around the tree, with backpacks and everything. I don't know why. Maybe the cow calls people to join it or something. Cow cults? I think they have those in India. Anyway



It really just boggles my mind how effort goes into designing buildings in Melbourne. I don't really like this building but I can appreciate what they're trying to do. I can't remember what the effect was called but it has something to do with straightlines and colour windows creating an optical illusion. Its not my favourite but its still awesome.



Hee. Apparently I'm five and a half. I think it's supposed to be a woman. Well, I think. Her face is kind of masculine, but she has the appropriate womanly bits.. so maybe the sculptor was trying to make a point about androgny? The owner of the cafe came out to look at me the tee-heeing tourist. Whoops.



I didn't take a photo of the shop, but there's a shop in Melbourne called Lord of the fries and they do fries in every sauce you can think of- this is mayonnaise, tomato sauce and garlic onion and I am drooling just thinking of it. The twisties I'm eating now are not really any comparison. Well they are zig zag twisties and they're pretty nice but still no comparison



Another random mural on the street.



And inside the crown casino .. and why can't Star City put a little effort in? huh? HUH?



I don't this random fool but she kept wandering into my shot so I guess I just have to post her. Whoever and wherever you are I hate you! If the dragon was alive it'd eat you for being annoying.



Her arm is still in the goddamn shot. Even her arm annoys me. [Yes, I'm a leet graphic designer and no I didn't crop her. Shut up.]


Hey, the fish were cute.


So pretty, I think it's an upside down rabbit.

And then we went to Nobu. Nobu of the reputation Nobu. And as you can see fron Sb's face, he's like thats it? well .. he kinda deserved it for ordering stir fry from Nobu.



Its heaps dark in there. Mood lighting. Even the bathroom is dark, you can't even see where you're washing your hands.



That's his stirfry [It does look pretty]. I ordered wagyu beef but I ate some before I could take a photo [whoops] and the scallops with wasabi mayonnaise was divine, my mouth died and went to heaven and hasn't come back yet to normal food.



Errmm. Half eaten.



The tempura was standard though. But then I grew up on tempura I kind of think all tempura is standard. Eh. Well it was nothing special anyway.

And that was our nobu experience, there are no pictures of me cos it was too dark and I wasn't sitting under any lighting but trust me I looked great [ha]



And then we went to St Kilda and I really have nothing to say about it, except thats it? I was expecting a Manly/Glebe type atmosphere but there was nothing there. I was expecting bookstores and markets [it was the weekend] but it was just houses. All I can say is durn.
And also Luna Park was closed for renovations. Yeah, nothing.

So then we went back to the CBD, where for my birthday .. I decided to go to jail [what? what? it sounded interesting!]. What I was expecting from Old Melbourne Gaol was well .. not much, maybe a five minute walk. However, we got lined up with a policeman acting as a tour guide and fifteen other tourists. This policeman was exceptionally grouchy [or maybe he was playing grouchy] and he lined us all in row and started yelling at us! I was about to burst into giggles but I didn't think it was a good idea in case he pulled me out and started spanking me or something. Or something.

He particularly had it in for this old man and kept berating him, admittedly the old man was kind of stupid but by the end of it, the old man was REALLY REALLY pissed off, he was glowering at the policeman- lucky, he wasn't stupid enough to actually punch him out. Yes, he paid and we paid to get yelled at. [Well, he didn't yell at me mostly because I wasn't game enough to look him in the eye]



And then he locked us all in this cell. In the dark. For about ten minutes. It really wasn't the best idea for a birthday I had ever had. It really is as dingy as it looks. And don't worry those marks on the walls are not blood stains- they're water marks. [Because that makes me feel so much better]



And in the padded cell. There are "water marks" in there as well. Apparently some tourists
managed to lock themselves in there for four hours. Those were some smart tourists.



And the door to the padded cell, from the scuff marks I presume they didn't want to go IN.



Haha.. I should send it to his mum to freak her out.



Criminal! The lighting is just shoddy in this room. Yerk.






I guess if the physio thing doesn't work out, he can always be a blacksmith.



These are so cute. I was going to buy one, but I couldn't figure out which of my friends would want a Ned Kelly doll.



This was on wall in Chinatown, I don't know how many of us troublesome chinese actually listen to it! Of course it was situated right next to a restaurant called "Mao Please!" which was hysterical and ironic and tragic all at the same time.





It has things on the menu like Mao's spicy beef and Mao spicy chicken and uhh... Mao spicy lamb. You get the idea that Mao liked spicy things. However this proprietor must have greatly underestimated the cult of Mao in Australia because I headed straight for an Italian restaurant with white sauce and fish. Mm.. white sauce.





I'm thinking it tasted a thousand times better than Mao beef jerky.



Hee. In the middle of federation square there's a couple of flashing signs where you can sms your message of love/hate/indifference/wanting for a hamburger. And so we smsed it and the stupid thing never came up! But then there's an even larger tv on the other side and so we smsed that and whee!! fifteen seconds to say whatever the hell I wanted. To everyone! In federation square!
And by the fourth day I missed Minnie. So well there's an eternal declaration immortalised to my stupid barky sausage dog. Yes, I missed her.





Awwww.. I'm going to miss it. Bummer.

Mindless rambles for a Monday afternoon

I don't know why but I can hear someone yawning in the yard next door. They would have to be the world's loudest yawners. Who yawns that loud?

I finally have a day off and I'm bored, it's kind of ridiculous. Maybe I should trim my brows, they're starting to look like Ugly Betty brows. Crap.

I need a holiday. I just had a holiday. I'm hoping to hop it to America at the end of the year, maybe I'll turn up on my Grandma's doorstep. Hi! You used to send me toys but now I'm twenty five you have to buy me handbags. .. That could work [She lives in New York, I'm sure she's a bit of a handbag nut herself]. I could go to my aunty's place but she's one of those pro-right wing republican christian nutbags, she lives in Texas which could explain something. I wonder if she would have turned out so.... bonkers .. if she had of run away to Australia instead. Actually now that I think about it, she probably would have turned out more laidback if she had. Probably be less fervical. Well doesn't matter, theres a 0% chance I'm going to pop by Texas anyway.

Not that there's anything wrong with Texas.. I'm just not overly fond of steak.. or rednecks.. or having my aunty preach me. Nothing against the actual land.

Its 3:43 and my eyebrows are still in bad shape.

I'm thinking ..hungry. I accidentally ordered ducks feet for dinner last night. Sb looked at me and said 'You knew you were getting this right?'
Me: Of course, ducks feet... ducks feet... and mushrooms
We took it home, I'm not really game enough to try and re-eat it this afternoon. I'm hungry but not that hungry.

It was Mardi Gras on Friday, I remember last year with Mexicana trying to find her friends through a swamp of people. She was not pleased. Now that I think of it, I've never actually properly seen the parade its mostly trying to wade our way through Oxford street. So officially I can say I've been to Mardi Gras but I've never actually seen anything [other than drunk people] well I've seen the tops of some parades.

Lighto apparently tried to run down a guy on Oxford street because he was so sick of being stuck in traffic on Mardi Gras night. The guy was unharmed, I can't really say that Lighto was in a good mood about it though, ever since he's started dating that new girl his mood has been somewhat below curmudgeonly and bordering on ridiculously cranky. I'm supposed to be happy for him, new relationships and all that, but really I'm sort of starting to dislike her.. what is she doing to him? Its like a personality transplant. As far as I know he's never tried to run anybody over before.

Me and Sb went off to buy a garden gnome to take with me on my travels. However, [and this might have been somewhat obvious] there are no good-looking garden gnomes, and I'm not looking for a Calvin Klein model just one that doesn't look malnourished and slightly paedophillic. Where the hell am I supposed to find a happy healthy garden gnome? Don't say ebay , I've already looked and they look even worse than the ones in the stores [In my desperation I tried the two dollar store and they had gnomes, with the detachable rubber legs so that you can put them on shelves and dangles the legs over. Needless to say, I was horrified. Although what was I expecting from a two dollar store? Well not an amputee gnome]

Well I think that was enough mindless rambling for one day. How many people have I denigrated in one post? It looks to be two, a business and a state. Whoops. Look where the mind wanders. Hee. Running now.

There she goes

I hate writing emotionally, because I know that later on when I look back on it I'll see it as cliche and sentimental, but I guess I'm a mush[y] person ..

Lydia Shum aka Feifei died over the weekend and it makes me so sad because I grew up watching her and I feel awful for her daughter who is I bet feeling wretched. Why am I talking about this? You know my theory on circular parallels.

I was recovering on Saturday night [Friday was fantastic, I was happily smushed] and just laying on the couch when my stepdad called and said "something is wrong with your mum, she's dizzy and not remembering and not making sense" [haha, not alcohol induced. Thanks very much]

so I tried talking to her and she said "Why is my phone on this side of my ear? Who are you?" and then hung up on me. Naturally, I panicked, called back and started yelling for my stepdad to take her to the doctor. No dice, she wasn't willing [still stubborn for an amnesiac, I grant] and he wasn't able to leave the restaurant.

After awhile he reported back that she was better, but had blacked out for that three hours.

So when they turned up to my place last night and started discussing buying matching funeral plots [in the shade, lots of grass area] I was speechless. She then produced me a pamphlet on aneurysms.

She said to me "Look, you're old enough for me to let go. I'm very happy to have seen you grow up this far, so if anything happens.. well it happens, death happens". My stepdad didn't say anything, we were both concentrating on random spots in the carpet.

And there was the first possibility that ever occurred to me that my mum is not going to be around forever.

Long overdue photos and future plans

I know I complain that life is hard but I've had two holidays in the space of three months so far be it for me to complain I need another holiday [oh shuttup. You know I will. In about a week. At work.]

I was going to post up some Melbourne photoes so you could finally see the cow in the tree I've been gushing about for that many years, but I guess not since SB has run off with my camera. So I guess I'll post some photoes from Japan and talk about Melbourne later?

Yes I'm aware. Long overdue. Natch. Also am posting this from my new rental in the suburbs [which is nice but far, freaking far].
Also I've been on a month long oscar movie binge [please go see No Country for Old Men.. I beg you. And Juno. Sweeney Todd and There will be Blood are optional (however Daniel Day Lewis is amazing, but consider only seeing it for him) skip Atonement for Gods sake. Skip it].

also I'm seriously considering moving down to Melbourne and starting life anew, so who knows maybe I'll be gone in what? a month? two? I'm hoping people will see me as exceptionally talented and hire me. Fingers crossed. I uhhh.. haven't told my mum I'm thinking about this though, the reaction is somewhere between shrugging and locking me in my room til I'm eighty five.

Also I just turned twenty five so can I get a yee-hah? yee-hah

anyway I'll get down to business and post some photoes.


What Mexicana is trying to say is: Don't eat Wasabi cookies.


Biru! Seriously these two boys ordered biru with every meal except breakfast. Thats because alcohol there is crazy cheap and no RSA laws. So you can just wander around drunk most of the time [strangely there are not many drunks there though, not even me. Wahaha]


Look Mount Fuji! Yeah there was no chance I was climbing that. Not an iota. Short of dragging me up there and rolling me back down. Did you know there's a forest down the bottom where people go to top themselves? Must be so fun for the climbers to trip over dead bodies when they finish.





Isn't Shibuya so pretty? Its where they put all the Love Hotels. Unfortunately all the love hotels look like they were furnished by Ikea. So no hello kitty handcuffs for me. Boo.


Its a big bowl not a small hand.


Eeeeee! The prettiest building ever. Hello Ginza!


I love the random Hello Kitty in front of the convenience stores.


And Mexicana got sick of it apparently because she decided to eat Hello Kitty. Little did she know it was a pillow! MUAHAHA.

Hoo..righty and now my internet connection is not a happy camper so I think I might leave the rest of this til tomorrow [or the next day. or next week. or whenever I have time. Sheesh]

Psychic Drunk

I’m walking down the street with Sb when we pass a homeless man sitting in an alcove. He looks like Santa Claus on crack.

He’s very quiet as we pass twhen suddenly he waves his finger at me and bellows:

“You will be pregnant!”

I guess he knows something that I don't.

Prefering a rut

I think last year I felt that I was in a bit of a rut. And now that everythings been swept out from under me, I think I prefer the rut.

Firstly, SB and I are sortof/notreally/confusingtheholycrapoutofeverybody back together. But we're not but we're acting like we are, but there's no intimacy involved. Wait, are you perplexed yet? Because my mum is still trying to figure out whether she should give him dinner invites [and then she orders too much food thinking he'll be there]

Secondly, Mexicana is moving to Canberra to pursue her medical degree, which is fine. I mean I'm happy for her [free check ups, free bandaids, plenty of access to morphine.. whats not to be happy about?] but I'm a bit miserable about not one but two of my best friends are parked halfway across the world and not even within local calling range either. Blah.

Lastly, I've been evicted by a monstrous dickhead of a landlord and am going to a new place asap [well ok, Saturday.]

Can you tell I'm not feeling particularly stable??! Right now I feel like I'm floundering for a lifeline and people are throwing me skittles [tasty but not helpful]

I came back from Japan with anime disgust

Man I'm so mopey lately, well not really mopey.. I'm just sort of spaced out lately. I think I'm on book withdrawal, all I've been doing is playing my DS. Yeah, I don't think that sounds particularly healthy either, I'm making up for all the years that my stepbrothers wouldn't let me play on the gameboy [sigh, tetris]

Anyway, onto other things .. there are many things I'm scared of, roaches, heights, germs.. I'm a veritable -phobe. [If you'd like to destroy me put me on a cliff with some insects and a leper that likes to play tag, I'll guarantee that I'm a screaming mess by the time you retrieve me] anyway I seem to have brought back another fear from Japan, I'm slightly icked about by anime [ok, completely ooged]

Well when I was eleven? I thought that the big eyed small nose look was cool, I spent countless hours trying to recreate the look on paper. Of course when I was sixteen I watched Ghost in the Shell and I almost threw up when I saw the robot get ripped apart and veins and arteries start to spurt everywhere. I didn't really finish the movie. There starts my disenchantment with anime.

When I was twenty [and successfully fended off years of anime watching by sheer refusal] SB decided to watch this anime where the girls get raped by giant trees. Oog. Branches in vaginas. Who wants to be caressed by a penis which looks like a tree?! [Tree fairies? squirrels? botanists?]

And then Saffron decided on a night where we were both bored to show me a hentai where a woman was being tortured, they attached electric clamps to her ma-jiggy which simultaneously burned and climaxed her at the same time. Afterwards, in which she peed [I guess electrocuting yourself there will cause bladder loss, yes.]

I one day plan to sit Saffron down and explain to her why shows like that are unhealthy.

so back to Japan, the land of anime. I mean how bad can it be if I just stick to ordinary things like DragonBall and Hello Kitty? I'm sure I can avoid the really bizaare stuff if I just concentrate on.. shoes.. no such luck. The weird stuff is everywhere! In the toy stores, there'll be naked figurines with double J cups [create your own naked person!], or in the bookstores there'll be entire floors of gay comic porn. Which is fine, but apparently its aimed towards women. Apparently Japanese women like slash. I can't explain it. [This is the part where I write some pseudo theory about Japanese women being oppressed and manifesting it into slash comics where the 'feminine' have power. Shut up. Its a theory in progress]

So I'd be studiously avoiding and then something oogy would pop out at me [like posters of naked children in seductive poses]. Its FINE. I'll just walk into another aisle where Sgt Frogs head is exploding or something, I mean I'm not going to close my eyes, just because I find anime depressing and sexist.

And then we walked into the anime expo [thanks lonely planet.. for your crap advice], and I stood next to the life size version of these characters.. and I was just completely icked out by them [this never happens with Mickey Mouse!] they're just so out of proportion and plasticky and wrong looking that I was just gaping at them. Sb was impatient and said can you just pose next to them?! and I'm gingerly placing myself next to them and thinking this is someones fantasy? Uhh.. big eyes are pretty. Eyes the size of saucers are likely to have me gropiing for the door handle and fleeing into the night. Also if your breasts are bigger than your head [Wah! sexist! bugging. me.] theres not much chance you're going to do much than just sit on the floor with your head on the ground, because your neck has snapped off and you're paralysed.

So there we go, I officially have barred anime. I hate anime. Its creepy and sexist.



[Ok there are plenty of you who think this chick is hot. There are also plenty of you who have horse fetishes, so no judgment here]

Back and blue.. [or is that back in blue?]

Well I'm back from Japan and I've neglected this blog for an entire month. Writing skills have depleted to minus levels [and how am I going to write my novel on minus writing skills? I can't. Blah]

I'm feeling a bit blue and I think my ankle is infected which is making me worse. I don't know why I feel so lethargic lately, in trying to recreate that sense of 'happiness' I think it somehow buggered off. I should be happy, I've finally graduated, I'm working less.. my house is relatively clean and I'm not really under any pressure [I should start looking for a job soon though]

so WHATS WRONG?

I don't think I could be a hermit, it'd make me too depressed and also I'd probably start talking to random inanimate objects and spending far too much time on this blog [which ironically i haven't been doing].

Bleah. Did I mention I gave up alcohol for my new years resolution? That lasted all of FIVE days. Shut Up, I'm going to be good this year and not touch any more... it was a temporary lapse I'm sure. [ I didn't even get goodly smushed, it was a waste of a resolution breaking]

It might be the fabled quarter century crisis, I'm almost twenty five and I haven't achieved anything. Well achieve as in sold twenty five million copies of a book, started an internet company, or even find my goddamnned lip gloss from my purse [I can't find it- I have officially been without gloss for twelve days, I'm starting to look like a piece of parchment paper]

Hokai, I should get up and stop whining. Or I guess I could just go back to sleep [Hooray for 2008 pro-activeness! whee!]

In Japan!

Sorry I only have four minutes left on this f*&*ing machine so as quickly as I can [sigh.more lists]

-There are no hello kitty themed love hotels. Its a lie.

-The women are extremely hot. The men... not so much.

-Am once again ridiculously sick of temples. I never again want to see another one.

-Everybody here and their mums have a dachshund. All their dachshunds wear clothes. Mine doesn't.

-I haven't had sushi once since I got here. I'm starting to think sushi is another myth. Much like love hotels.

52 seconds left! I hope Australia hasn't sunk into a pit hole since I've been gone!

MUch love

I'll be more kawaii in two weeks!

So Mexicana, Kejiim, Sb and I are heading off to Japan this morning. Hello Kitty here I come!

Of course I'm already having Saffron and Minnie withdrawals, I"m sort of wandering around my house looking for them and... nothing. Huh. You kind of expect one or the other to reply you.
Minnie: Woof.
Saffron: Mush, I just want to sleep. Let me sleep.

Anyway, enough moping.. I'm sure they are both in reasonably safe hands.

I'm going! Whee! I'm going to bring back enough knee socks to fill an entire suitcase and when I come back wonder what I'm going to do with twenty four pairs of socks and a Doraemon rice cooker and I promise promise promise that I will come back with heaps of pictures and document every single bizarre thing that happens to me [you know I will]

Until then, keep out of trouble! [all of you!]
Muahs.

Early morning phone calls from my parents make me cranky

11:42

Ring ring.

Me: Hullo? :struggling with sleep

Mum: Hullo! Hi! Its 11:42.. why are you not up yet?

Me: Because I'm sleeping.

Mum: Why are you over sleeping? Is it because your heart is broken?

Me: BECAUSE I'M TIRED.

I am not inebriated!

Falling on your face on the dance floor, salsa-ing badly to a rap song, sobbing hysterically on your friend's shoulder, and asking your very drunk friend [Thanks Dylmah!] to drive you home at 100kms an hour does not equal inebriated.

AM I? AM I? No I'm not. But I get to do it all again on Saturday!

Can I get an eyeroll and a hurrah? Hurrah!

Confusion sprinkled with paranoia

For Christmas I'd like a relationship bar [you know like out of the Sims] which tell you what standing you are with people and how many points out of a hundred the two of you happen to be.

For example, If I was 68 with someone then I would ask them out for a beer but I wouldn't tell them my secrets.

And then if I was 89 with another I would call them and if I saw the stupid bar start to droop when I started talking then I would hang up and go find another 80-something friend to talk to. Or I guess if I ran out of eighty something friends who wanted to listen to me.. I guess I could just call my mum?

And if I saw a person with a very very low score with me I'd probably just avoid them.

See? Handy.

Anyway, I suppose this is just a roundabout way of saying I have no idea where I stand with a single fricking person at this moment in time. When I asked Lighto about this, he just laughed and said I think too much.. he was possibly going to pat me on the head or something. When I asked Sb this, he looked at me and said "Friends. Friends with attraction" [To this, I rolled my eyes and went off to find a book to read] and then there are others who are giving me mixed messages and I think I'm just going to turn off my phone for a while and just concentrate on my two minute noodles. Two minute noodles is never confusing, chicken is always chicken and beef is always beef.

[Unless of course the stupid factory workers mixed them up and never mind.. when does that ever hap[en?]

Things that cheer me up.

Mayonnaise sandwiches.
New episodes of 'The Office' [I heart you Jim Halpert!]
My brand new lip gloss [courtesy of Harpers Bazaar] which ta-dah! lights up when I twist the lid.
And Savage Chicken. I think I've mentioned before previously how much I love Savage Chicken.



Never ever fails to make me laugh. [Also helps that that stupid song has been stuck in my head for two months]

Living alone

Well now that SB has moved out, I have this gigantic [well gigantic to me] house and I don't know what to do with it or with myself.

However for some reason, my mum has taken it upon herself to fill my now [empty-ish] house with her stuff. They include:
Two wine racks
Two baskets
An esky
Random pieces of cloth
A Japanese scroll

While I'm sure my mum has the best intentions.. what am I going to do with a Japanese scroll?? I'm going to give it to Minnie to chew if I can't figure it out soon.

It's lonely when you don't have someone to bounce your opinions off of. At most I'm just talking to Minnie and only Minnie, you can imagine that she doesn't really care about my opinions about whats on tv. She's taken to wandering off as soon as I say something.

The only really good thing I can think of about living alone is drinking the juice straight out of the bottle. But then the juice bottle is a 4L one and chances are if I tried that.. the only thing that would happen is that I'm going to give myself an orange mango shower.

Dating? Not me

This is what I have to look forward to for the next year or so:

"So, Michelle.. what do you think is the most romantic movie of all time?"
"Umm... "[starts to toss up between Casablanca and Sleepless in Seattle, then finally gives up] "Well what do you think is the most romantic movie of all time?"
"Dirty dancing. I think it's a lovely movie"
[starts to horrendously squall in laughter then pulls a straight face] "Yes, nobody puts baby in the corner"

Siiiigh.

My arm is buggered

So in the space of four days my poor [left] arm has been through a lot. Firstly, the elbow went through a window and secondly, Mexicana's dog mistook my hand for a burrito and decided to chomp through it. Consequently, my arm looks like its been through a really angry blender.

Well anyway, since I'm here, I thought I might list some things which I can and can't do one handed.

Can't

- Eat pigeon. I love you mum! and I know you worry about my nutrition but thats a lot of pigeon to try and eat one handed. And now that I have no-one to feed me [or even cut the damn thing up] its damn near impossible to eat. Not even caveman style works, I can't even get to the underside. That was was like four or five pointlessly dead birds.

-Use chopsticks. I can't bend my elbow so I can't bring the chopsticks up to my face. So when I go out to restaurants I have to ask for a fork. When I ask the waitresses for a frigging fork, they look at me ever so mournfully and then shake their heads. Look lady, I'm not betraying your culture, my arm is borked.. and Jesus, can't I ask for a fork without invoking cultural/generational commentary?! I guess not. Huh.

- Go to work. Whee! I'm sure supervisors love this. But the chances of me carrying a tray and then not splitting my elbow to spurt blood all over the nearest patron's face is minimal. Actually, come to think of it, if I spurted blood over their faces- I could see which ones were vampires and then I could stake them thus reducing the amount of coffee I have to make and carry. Good plan huh? Too late now, anyway I didn't go to work this weekend.

-Mop the floor. Well you try mopping it one handed!

Can

- Save the dog from down the street from meeting certain death on Archer Street. I didn't even have to touch her, I just trilled with my extremely melodic voice 'Elllllllllllllieeeeeeeee' and brought her home. Sort of like the pied piper meets Lucy Liu. Of course that gate was a bastard to open but at least I got her home. I know. I'm such a heroine.

- Roll the rubbish bin out. I've never done this before [well I have at work but never at home], it's kind of a thing you can do one handed, so I know if they ever decide to amputate I can spend my life rolling garbage bins up and down a garden path.

-Put my contacts in. It takes twenty minutes and my eyes are red by the end of it, but hey! I can do it. Aren't you proud of me? If next you see me and I don't have them in, it probably means I dropped them down the sink.

-Type. Well you did want to know where I disappeared to, right?

[Where is SB in all of this? Well we've broken up [again? again.] and I'm not really adjusting particularly well so at the moment my emotions are all over the place, but I promise when I feel up to it, I'll write a big long post]

Cheer youself up

"army out of the raw is like building a factory to be manned by expertambulance with them to England, where they wish nothing so much. A fight between planes in the air very rarely happens, except in the a family practitioner at home, the doctor, when the war began, hada dum-dum and worse; for the jacket splits into slivers, which spread announce his objection? But, my dear sir, you are giving your case as a cat watches a mouse. "

I'm feeling very down lately, but reading through this spam cheered me up. Especially hada dum-dum. I'm thinking to use it more in my conversations.
"What? hada dum-dum?"

Or if someone argues with me [as they often do] I will just look at them knowledgably and say "My dear sir, you are giving your case as a cat watches a mouse" or course, they'll probably dial for the local institution afterwards, but at least I managed to get it into the conversation.

An awful retching mess

Deleted for melodramatic awfulness. Sorry, but if I ever get famous, I don't want people to quote me as Mush that nutbag. Though I'm sure they have plenty to quote from including alcoholic binges and bitter rants