Jumping off that cliff

So it turns out I actually had some sort of undiagnosed tuberculosis and then I lost my voice completely. Not so good for me, possibly good for everyone else.

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I've been thinking a bit about whether I should talk about this- because possibly too early, too soon and probably I have a feelling I'm not going to portray myself too well in this post- so avert your eyes.

So there's this new person in my life, we'll call him ND and because I [am/was?] on a sabbatical, I was extremely reticent about going out with him.. well he doesn't know that. It really isn't you, it's me!

And so in hindsight, I started making excuses to myself and to my friends about why I shouldn't do this.

a) Firstly, he's not my ordinary type and when I say not my type- I don't know if you've noticed but since I quit with SB, my type has been precocious party boys. I figure if you lined up Coffee, R6 and DS against a wall and measured liver function, there would not be a working liver among them. I apparently like my men on pre-destined dialysis drips.

b) I let a random stranger press my buttons. Who listens to random strangers? Me.

c) He's too good for me. And when I say too good for me, I don't mean as in he's punching below his weight, I mean as in [following on from the whole type thing] he's a good guy. He doesn't drink much, he doesn't smoke, the guy doesn't even drink coffee. And me? Have you met me? If you flicked holy water on me, I might explode into a pile of ashes. Where can a relationship go with such uneven levels? an exorcism?

You know how I always mention that I have really good friends and they're good because truly they never sugar coat anything and they're not afraid to bitchslap the holy crap out of me when they know I'm being a fuck up. So here is what Ms Smith said to all of that [paraphrasing]:

"What are you saying?! You're not going to date him because he's good. You won't take a chance on him because he's not a party boy. You would rather date someone who just goes out and messes around all weekend and doesn't call you when they're supposed to than someone who doesn't. Isn't he good and kind and nice? How is the whole dating party boys thing working out for you anyway? "

"......Fantastically."

The thing is that you may think someone is good and kind and nice and then they may turn around and throw you under a bus anyway. I honestly think that I'm really not emotionally prepared enough to go for another round of relationship roadkill. But that whole conversation really made me stop and think about what the heck I'm doing. How I'm letting my commitmentphobia run the show, how I might be letting go of someone genuinely good because I don't want to dump my hand in the water and so what if this one throws me under too? What can possibly be the worst that can happen? I'll be here in three months time feeling mopey and stupid and blogging about it but I'll get over it. Eventually. I really suck at getting over things as we all know.

So we're dating. I really like him and we talk about obscure history and he really makes me laugh, so here's to closing my eyes and jumping off that cliff. I am ridiculously petrified.