Penguins who can't spell are problematic

He came up to me in a tuxedo complete with a little bowtie and asked me how I was doing. He looked like a boyband member dressed up for the prom and I was really really drunk.

So when he leaned in and kissed me, my thoughts were not on sabbaticals or exes or even how high school it was [the only thing missing was my maths folder with the doodled love hearts], I was just enjoying the moment for what it was worth. A brief connection with a stranger, in the middle of a crowded club.

I’m so cynical lately [which is so unlike me!] because I leaned back at one point and said ‘So where is your girlfriend? Did you leave her at home?’ and he laughed and said ‘Look in the mirror, there she is’- which is quite sweet, but I didn’t just graduate from the school of newbies.

And that was what I thought would be the end of that. I gave him my number, tried to drink from a swizzle stick, promptly fell over onto my ass, had to be rescued from wandering around the bathroom area, lost my bracelet , discussed the meaning of life with my taxi driver and apparently called everyone in a 50km vicinity at 5am. So all in all a pretty good night.

I wasn’t expecting a message the next morning from the Penguin asking how I was. But there it was.

I give him props for being sweet and I guess ordinarily I would have been swayed. But I had a no dating policy to maintain.

So my message back was very polite and cheerful [considering I felt like death on toast] and I asked him how he was as well. And then he replied:

I fill so tiad.

I had to reread it a couple of times to be sure I was reading what I was reading. And then I kind of had to hold myself for a minute because my internal spelling nazi took herself out the back and shot herself.

This is where I reveal myself to be a complete and utter elitist. I don’t know how come I keep ending up with people that can’t spell properly but for some reason I do [maybe I should start making prospective candidates take a literacy test or something] and I can’t frigging abide it. I can’t stand it. I regardless of a dating or no-dating policy will no longer have anything other than a platonic relationship with someone who can’t spell ‘commencement’ without looking it up in a dictionary [but clearly run-on sentences are fine].

And I don’t care if the guy climbs mountains, is an astronaut, is as sweet as the Penguin appears to be or is actually my soulmate. Close your eyes and spell ‘Woolloomooloo’ and I grant you a pass.

I told Betty about it this morning, and her response was: Stupid Head! Why close yourself off to these opportunities? I think his spelling is cute! When I text type, sometimes I say meepi for sleepy.

Me: Fine, meepi for sleepy is cute. But this was not meepi. I get meepi. This was tiad. He fills tiad. Who does that??

I started talking about the Penguin to my friends over board game night, and I couldn’t hear myself over the shouts of “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SABBATICAL?!”
“I said dating! Not making out! Making out is fine!”