Melbourne Boys

**My photoshop has been uninstalled so you won't see any of me until it's reinstalled. Until then there's nothing wrong with a moose wearing a hat.

So I kind of went AWOL in the last few weeks, I am/was about to turn twenty seven and I went 'Oh fukkit. This year I don't want to do anything, so take that age twenty seven. Imma just going to pretend you don't exist. Lalala.'

And then Noodles asked me if I wanted to come to Melbourne and I said very calmly "Sure. Why not?" But of course I was frantically dancing around like Austin Powers when I got off the phone.

I get to go home! And drink good coffee! And browse independent bookstores! And people smile there!

And I guess I've been a frigid nancy over the past year [or so people keep telling me] and I decided to take myself out of the nunnery. Cue 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' As the movie says when you remove yourself from a nunnery, you fall in love with a colonel and end up with six [7?] adorable stepchildren and a singing career. Well why the heck not.


I'm walking down the street at night off to get food, Noodles had disappeared off to a gig and Flinders was looking good for a Belgian waffle or a hot dog. Mm.. street food. When all of a sudden, this guy appears next to me and starts talking to me in a broken english accent.

Before you jump on me for stranger danger, please remember that everyone in Melbourne is this friendly. It's kind of part and parcel.

So whatever we're walking and talking [passing the electronic dictionary between us] and he mentions he's looking for a job. Well what do you do? I'm a model!

Well he definitely looked like a model. He was all dark and chocolate-y and built. Hm.

I'm still keeping an eye out for food when he commands [!] me 'Take me somewhere beautiful'

Oookay. His english was really not that good so I didn't have the heart to say something like 'But isn't this entire place beautiful?' so I thought .. Crown. Why the heck not.

As we're walking, he turns to me and says Why are girls so open here? And I'm open? what open?

Him: With a-sex. [Sorry, I'm putting him in a mario accent]
Me: Oh, what.
Him: You know, everyone is already opened. Why?
Me: Still not understanding.
Him: *pointing to a girl in front of us. She's opened.
Me: OH. Right.
Him: How come all Australian girls are opened? Italian girls are all closed. Have you been opened?
Me: Uhhhhhhhh, yes.

[Fine. He's right. There are no virgins left in this country. Good luck finding one.]

So we're on a bench in front of the water and it's kind of nice? Weird but nice. What the heck, we're just exchanging conversation about God and the meaning of life. And he keeps saying 'Imma so comfortable with you.' which you know what? I've never had that compliment before. So ok.

When he pops out with 'Do you want-a make-a sex with me?'

What is the right response to that by the way, if you can email me that. Well my response was to burst into hysterical giggles. He looks confused. 'Why are you laughing?'
'This is hilarious.'
'I'm a kind guy. I'm very kind.'
'This is too random.'
'What's random?'
I show him the dictionary meaning.
'Oh... but this is-a good random? .. Look, I can have any girl in the club but I'm comfortable with you."
'....No.'
'Is it a decency thing? You are decent.'
'That's not it.'
'Then...' he grabs my palm and traces a pattern in it before brushing the hair out of my eyes 'why not?'

And I'm a deer in the headlights. Why am I turning down sex with an Italian model? Is my head broken? Well some part of me is broken. Maybe my uterus. I can't think of a reason so I just shake my head.

I make excuses to get up and leave and pick up Noodle, he comes with me and just as suddenly as he propositioned me, he comes up with another mind blowing proposal [pardon the pun]

'It breaks my heart to know you live alone.. you know we can make make each others lives better, would you-a marriage me?'

Holy Fuck. What.

He repeats it again 'Would you-a marriage me?'

'No! What!'. My wind is gone and I wonder at the absurdity that someone who has barely known me for two hours can audaciously ask me what my ex-boyfriend of eight years couldn't lift his lips to say [albeit in different accents]

I don't have much time to ponder this but I stand up straight and say the most reasonable thing that pops into my head, 'We have only known each other for two hours.'

'Two hours, two days, two years! When you know, you just know!' And by this time he's doing that frantic Italian gesture thing and people on the street are staring -they think he's yelling at me. I can't decide if this is the craziest thing I've ever heard or the most romantic. Crazy seems more likely.

For two seconds I'm swayed. I'm swayed by fairytales and apparent certainty. But here's the thing: I don't know anything! I will never be certain of anything! I have never been certain of anything in my entire life. I expect the floor to open up and I expect promises to be broken. Frequently things that I think are red are actually blue and vice versa.

No.

He smiles and says 'I will convince you.' I don't think he will.

When I leave he calls 'I love you' to my back. This entire situation is nuts.

***

This post is heaps heaps long and so I don't even want to go into what happened with the next guy. Needless to say, he was nice but the chances of him entering rehab [at the tender age of 21!] are about a 99 in a 100 chance in the next three years. Also I am a lot of things but I am not a cougar [ no matter how much I'm starting to feel like one]

Here is something I've forgotten about men, boys and dating in general. Most of the time, it's absurd and sometimes you'll hit a real pebble in your shoe but more than that it's fun. How I forgot that I don't know. Nerves of anticipation, the high of getting a returned sms, the fun of flirtatiously smiling at each other, daydreams of possibility.

So I guess I'm coming out of the nunnery [well that was some interesting exit], and I'm finally ready! So hooray for that. It's time to have a little fun with the opposite sex.