In the moment

I'm at work, staring at the screen mindlessly, shifting images around and around.

And I'm listening to the Romeo+ Juliet soundtrack on the ipod. It's playing 'Kissing you' by Des'ree.

The music suddenly soars "touch me dear.. pure and true". And the sun suddenly comes out and shines on my face bathing me and the screen in gold.

Life is not perfect, but it sometimes sends you these little moments which you savour.

Appreciating the drunk dial

Well I don't know about you, but when I'm drunk I'm a flagrant smser. It used to be phone calls "Hi! I'm out at Mink/Space/Random horrible club! Do you loooooooooooooooooooooooove me??" And when they didn't profess their love straight away [Saffron, SB I'm looking at you] I would get upset and the night would end in tears, so I switched to drunk smsing which was less likely to end up with the person on the other end shouting "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! .. LOVE..?"

Anyway, I don't know why but I really appreciate people drunk dialling me. I know most people find them annoying and they usually come at 2am on a saturday morning [when us good, clean people are sleeping.. ahem] but I really really like them. I think for some bizarre twisted reason it shows me that they care and in the middle of a slushy brain that they are thinking of me. Also you usually hear things you would never hear in 'sober' time during a drunk dial- like how much the person misses you or random giggling over the word cucumber or something. Cu.. cum..ber... well they are randomly giggling, you just smirk and think how much fun it is to tease them tomorrow.

And then in the morning you say: hows your head? Do you remember any of last night?
And they always say: No, what happened last night?! what did I say? OMG. What did I say?

Dr Phil is not helping

So I have a week off work and I have Dr Phil playing in the background because I miss crappy daytime tv. And I can vaguely hearing him lecturing some poor woman on overfeeding her child junk food.

I can hear.. wrong.. junk food.. blah blah.. rubbish.. tacobell.. chicken.. chips...bad... food..

I don't know if his intended effect was to make me run for a packet of deep fried chips but it did. Don't you think it's a complete failure on his part if just listening to his speech makes me want to eat junk food?

There used to be Taco bells everywhere, and for some reason Australians don't like Mexican food. So they didn't they packed it up really quickly, but I miss those chips with the mayonnaise and the tomato toppings.

To the makers of photoshop. Please die.

And now you know how badly I despise it, when I post the title in caps. And how often does that happen? NEVER. Do I sound distressed? I'm distressed.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING MOVE TYPE IN PHOTOSHOP? Oh, sure you can type but you can't fucking fucking ever move it again. It just sits there like a dead monkey on a beach. So you have to delete the whole goddamn layer and retype it TO REALIGN IT??? So what I'm supposed to spend the whole day typing and retyping paragraphs until it sits properly?? Get fucked photoshop.

WHY CAN'T I JUST DRAW A GODDAMN RECTANGLE AND FILL IT IN WITH THE COLOUR I WANT?????? NOT BLACK. Stop automatically filling it in for me, you piece of shit cocksucker. I don't want black, I want blue I'd like my outline to be blue. Do you get that? Do you? Why make it so GODDAMN hard for me to draw a FUCKING RECTANGLE??? A COLOURED RECTANGLE. I'm trying to FUCKING DRAW A RECTANGLE not send rockets into space.

Layers. Layers. Layers. I have five items on my page and twenty layers, I'm thinking that my intensely simple webpage is going to have fifteen hundred FUCKING MILLION LAYERS by the time I've finished. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR FUCKING LAYERS, YOU HOEBAGS.

Please makers of photoshop, won't you die in a fire so I can throw popcorn in and laugh as you burn? I hope all your descendants are hideous mutants and have to use all the profits from your SUBSTANDARD product to fix their faces. I hope every car you ever drive crashes. And every thing you eat has hair in it. You will never be happy- you abysmal profiteering pissheads.

Love, Mush

Too Much Information

So I finally have a day off and I'm lounging around the house waiting for Mexicana [which by late afternoon I'm starting to think is a lost cause] and I'm calling everybody I can think of who would be free on a friday morning.

Well I haven't seen Lamp girl in a while. Ring ring ring. Nothing.

Five hours later:

Me: Hello?

Lamp girl: Hi babes, you were looking for me?

Me: Oh yeah, I was wondering if you were free this morning but it's ok now

Lamp girl: Oh I couldn't pick up this morning cos when you called I was having sex.

Me: [pause.. pause.. pause].. Haha! Well you get back to it! Bye!

All hail the reigning queen of the awkward silence, me. Maaaaan, why just randomly come up with that? Shouldn't you at least have some sort of buffer about the weather? I'm no prude but I have to get warmed up for penis talk, you just can't put it to me on the 2nd sentence in. Ok, maybe I am a prude. I'm a nun. Nuts.

Play Ball!

So Bear and I were messing around in the cafe yesterday and we thought we would amuse ourselves by talking in code. However at the conversation went on it became less of a code and more of a really longwinded sports metaphor.

Me: The ball is in his court!

Bear: Yes, it is in his court. You are no longer holding the ball

Me: I don't want to hold the ball!

Bear: Well, he's holding the ball and he's going to woink you in the face with it!

Me: So we're playing dodgeball? I haven't been woinked in the face yet

Bear: No, the balls are whizzing right past your head

Me: ..

Bear: You're in the game! This is a game!

Me: What game??

Bear: Whether you like it or not, you're in the game! And I'm the audience.

--At this point, a co-worker walks by and gives us funny looks

Me: Oh, so you're on my side?

Bear: Yes, but I think to some degree he's right as well.

Me: You make a crappy spectator, how can you just switch sides like that??

Bear: I'm a uninvolved spectator, I can switch sides anytime I want, but don't worry I'm cheering for you!

Me: Well thanks. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. I've never played this game before.

Bear: I can see. You think you're playing tennis but actually you are playing dodgeball. You are standing in the middle of the field not knowing which game you're playing. There are things flying by your head and you look puzzled!

Me:.. Well I'll find out next week won't I? Next week will be half time!

Bear: Or second innings. Hopefully, for you there will be no second innings.

Me: Game called on account on rain!*

Customer [confused]: Boy, you two are quite the sports nuts!

*Yes, this is how we talk at work. We have to find new ways to amuse ourselves

Guess what I'm [not] drinking?

Last week I was at dinner with my parents and I had decided to give up soft drink, I had succeeded for about a week [six days?] and by the time dinner came around, I had massive coke cravings.

After a while I started to stare longingly at the bar and their coke fridge, when my mum asked me what was wrong.

Me: I'm giving up soft drink, I really want a coke. Bottled coke....mm..*trails off into misty silence

Mum: Oh, is that all? Just order one!

Me: Err.. I'm giving it up.

Mum: I'll order it for you!

Me: No!

Mum: How about diet coke? fanta? lemonade?

Me:...

And then last night my mum and stepdad show up with a sixpack of coke in their hands. For me.
what? I can't drink that! Of course SB automatically says: I'll drink it! while I give him death stares. I'm starting to think my parents are soft drink enablers. I will blame them when the enamel from my teeth is missing.

I am sitting in front of my computer staring at this bottle of coke deciding whether I should drink it. Damn.

Dancefloor injuries

So I was at the Argyle on Friday night. I started to walk up the stairs and I must've passed an idiot woman wearing the worlds longest skirt [to a bar. Ok...] because as I passed her I stepped on this highly inappropriate skirt and I felt myself sliding backwards and because I was on her skirt, she was also propelled backwards and our heads went KA-DUNK.

Holy Mother of Og. That really hurt.

I just cradled my head and kept walking, not looking back to inspect the damage. I'm thinking she probably thought some random stranger punched her in the head. It would be likely if she kept wearing wedding dresses to a rowdy lounge.

---

I talked to my [new! brand new!] boss today and he is also down for the count, he apparently did his ankle in on a disco dancing injury. A disco dancing injury. I didn't ask but I'm imagining massive flailing. And possible spinning. It's much funnier in my imagination. Although I'm not really one who should be laughing since sometime in the last two months I've elbowed a midget in the mouth and headbutted a woman in a wedding dress.

Compulsory work blogging

For the highly observant, yes I've jumped forward in time and am posting on a Friday slot on a Thursday night. What will happen if I post tomorrow.. will it be Friday on blog time or it will have jumped to Saturday? I think I just broke time-space. For the non-observant [and the people that don't care] you can totally disregard that last paragraph.

So I went to a work interview today [for work experience] and apparently one of the conditions of ..staff entry was that all staff have to maintain a blog! well strike one for me! Hooray!

Oh, and also he'd like to make sure that I'm writing in the blog. About the company. Oh crap, now I'm under pressure to write something really nice and constructive. Hey Nick, if you're reading.. nice hat?!

What am I going to do if I need to vent?! I going to need a separate [secret] blog for work venting. Ah crap.

Or I could just moderate the whiny-ness. That could work. [Millions of people around the world suddenly wept tears of joy]

No really, it looks like a really cool company. I'm very happy to be working for them*

*I'm not sucking up. Shut up.

The deluded Lattanzi's and the housing crisis

So I was watching a youtube clip of Matt and Chloe Lattanzi [respectively the ex-husband and daughter of Olivia Newton John] don't ask me why I was watching it, I just was.

So goes this little bit of hilariousness

Chloe: [stressed because she has to sing a Britney song in front of an audience]
I just want to be alone! far away from everyone judging you. Everyone judges you!*

Matt: [completely po-faced] This is why I live in a teepee.


WAHAHAHAHA

Oh, Matt. Matt. Matt. We judge you more because you live in a teepee.

*I'm paraphrasing, there's no way I'm watching that crazy weepy shit again

Mush is a doofus #45454093094

While making coffee:

*ching* I hear money falling onto the floor and being the good citizen that I am, I say to the couple standing in front of me

"Excuse me, I'm not sure if you heard but I think you might've dropped money on the floor"

The guy smiles at me and picks it up.

Later on when he orders coffee, I realise that he is actually deaf.

Whoops.

My weeknd in mathematical numbers

Things I gained and lost over the long weekend: [Lets pretend I started off Thursday with 30 points]

-Lost dignity on George Street -20 points

-Lost sim card also on George Street- 5 points

-Borrowed a tremendously cute costume +10 points

-That costume had a missing zip and the skirt kept falling down -5 points

-Was having fun at work +15 points

-Sb's workmates were nice and sociable +10 points

-Didn't drink at all [I couldn't], so they thought I was soft -5 points

-I think I forgot to say goodbye to the birthday boy. Whoops -5 points

- Another night and no drinks -10 points [well there was minor drinking but I was still in recovery from Thursday]

- Dylmahs friends were also nice and sociable [although one of them was so boring, I almost cried into my vodka red bull.. but she was nice] I'm lucky all the people this weekend were friendly +15 points

- Dylmah apologised for not coming with me on Thursday and I never get apologies from him [they're like fairy dust] so +5 points

-But then he broke my camera! -15 points.

-I really did like Moulin Rouge. That was some funky club +10 points

-I left early -5 points

-St Marys Church is actually quite cool at 3:30 in the morning. Its peaceful +5 points

- Work was hell on earth and I scalded my hand and cried into people's coffees. Salty. -5000 points

End result: -4970 points. God, work always ends up ruining my weekend. Damn I was coming ahead as well

When I think about you I touch myself!

So I was running late to work this morning and to get to work I need to cross the Darling Harbour bridge. Normally this bridge is packed with tourists but it was wet and cold and generally blah.

So I'm huffing and puffing by, when I spot this girl [aged about thirty, short haired, European] walking past and there was something odd about her..

Holy Shit, her hand is down her pants and she's going at herself!

For the undelicately eared among you. Holy Crap, she's masturbating!

Good thing there were not too many tourists around, they might have taken photos.

Europeans are such exhibitionists.

So I get to work and I'm deeply deeply disturbed. Look I'm all for open sexuality and public discussion of sexual taboos, but there are some things I don't want to see, and lady you rubbing your coochie is one of them.

I've gathered my co-workers around and am relaying my coochie woes.

Co-worker1: She could just be itchy!

Co-worker 2: It was cold today, maybe she was just warming her hands

Me: Her hand, and no.

Co-worker1: Maybe she was adjusting her underpants.

Co-worker 2: Maybe she was adjusting her menstrual pad.

[Long pause]

Everybody: Ew.

Pink Toaster!

I found it!

So lets all squee for my pink toaster!

SQUEE!

My life is an anecdote

Me: Hello Sir, what would you like?

Customer: Do you have cwanbewwy?

Me: [Straightest face ever] Yes, we have cranberry

Customer: Well, I would like some cwanbewwy and wodka

He's having me on right? This guy was 5"9 and built like a tank and he talked like Elmer Fudd.

---

So I crashed my car on Wednesday and I dragged my fender all the way home. I'm thinking when my cousin Matt sees it, he's going to wish he put it in storage. Anyway, I was upset but its nice that when the chips are down [or at least horribly dented] that there are friends who will go out of their way to help you, I had not one but three offers to help me to take it to a smash repairer. Aww, much love to you guys.

---

This bartender [I'm thinking he was in jest] called me the angriest person he's ever met. Seriously? I'm probably in the running for most sarcastic and I'm coming in third for most self-conscious but the angriest? I have yet to kungfu kick anybody in the nuts or whomp someone on the head with a beer bottle. Sif angriest.

---

So I went with Mystic Meg to see a psychic yesterday and its a store connected to a day spa connected to an organic hairdresser. Anyway, I was waiting for her when all of a sudden this Russian [?] man comes up to me and starts pumping my hand.
"HellomynameisMichelandImgoingtolookafteryoutodaythankyouforcomingwhatwouldyoulikedonetoday?"
And I'm trying to interrupt this little speech, but he's talking at full speed still holding my hand, when this lady coughs and says "Er, I think you're after me", he lets go of my hand at sonic speed, turns around and delivers the almost same speech to her! "HellomynameisMicheland...."
I guess that hairdresser is not absorbing any psychic vibes coming from the shop.

---

I picked up a pendulum in the same shop and was playing around with it. Not to be skeptical, but surely the wind affects how it moves right? If it moves side to side then its a boy, and its moves round then its a girl. Not that I'm pregnant or anything. But I'm curious to have someone explain to me exactly *who they think is pushing the pendulum. [yes, the wind. Shutup]

---

My stepdad bought my mum a ten dollar toaster and of course [of course!] it doesn't work properly so I offered her my one [Its a designer toaster!] and went to Myers to look for a pink toaster to match my pink spatula/saucepan/teapot [I'm aiming for a completely pink kitchen]. I remembered seeing one ages ago so I asked the saleslady about it. She told me that it had been discontinued and replaced with a fawn colour. A fawn colour. Erk, a fawn colour.. who uses brown toasters?! People who want to match the toast to the toaster.

List of people that probably would enjoy a fawn coloured toaster:
Hunters
People who decorate their kitchen in varying shades of brown.
Colour blind people.
Nutsos.

The saleslady was very nice and thought she remembered a toaster that may have had a pink border. No, that was also replaced by fawn. Look for my puke, it will also be fawn coloured.

I left completely bitter as not only did they not have my pink toaster but they also didn't sell Indiana Jones action figures. Stupid store.

So many Mushes, what to do?

*Ring ring [Thats a ringing phone.. ]

Dakota: Hey Mush, guess what?

Mush: [lottery/accidents/marriage..] ..what?

Dakota: I was in the city and I saw a girl who looked like you! Down to the boots and the hair.

Mush: Oh? Apparently there's a lot of me roaming around

Dakota: So I ran up to her and smacked her on the butt!

Mush: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. erm.. did she like that?

Dakota: She said "What the fuck?!"

Mush: Maybe her friends don't smack her on the butt as often as my friends smack me on the butt!

Dakota: I apologised, then she got really pissy and stomped off.

Mush: WAHAHAHAAHAHA..

Dakota: Lucky I didn't grab her ass.

[Aww, my poor clone.. can't even walk down the street without being molested!]

Randomnessly..

-I still love Indiana Jones. He can enter my temple of doom anytime! [Or my temple of lurveeee.]

-I've started reading crime novels. Am currently reading "The Devil's feather"- the problem is it's not scary.

-I've also started liking champagne. As I grow older, it tastes less like cat pee.

- The three types of footballs for the three types of football are Sherrin, Gilbert and Steedon [Shit, I hope thats right!]

-Poker nights are always better when you wear jeans.

-Having your eyebrows waxed doesn't really hurt that much

-I drove all the way to Chatswood and back.. by myself! I'm so proud, I'm patting myself on the back.

-My supe Dan gave me a fridge magnet. Its a Star City fridge magnet. What am I going to do with a Star City fridge magnet?

Sometimes you just have to refrain from the jokes

So I have this friend called Mystic Meg. We are calling her this because 1) I'm playing altogether too much Phoenix Wright on the ds and 2) She is the believe-iest person I have ever met* She tells fortunes, sees psychics and not in the light hearted way. That girl is into that stuff. She doesn't really joke about it, and sometimes I have trouble not joking about it. Observe.

---

Over a lunch of chicken foot salad [for real] and tomato sea snail vermicelli [also for real]

Mm: So I went to see this group of psychics and one of them was just staring at me!

Me: Why?

Mm: Well I went to ask her and she said "You're an angel."

Me: An angel? What?

Mm: Well not exactly an angel. But more like a pixie.

Me: You're a pixie.

Mm: Thats what she said! I have a bright light around me.

Me: Chicks, you're not a pixie.

Mystic Meg then looks at me like I stepped on a baby or something.

Sigh.

So introducing Mystic Meg! The only person I know who knows what epsom salts really do [truly, I thought they woke people up from fainting but actually you use them to bathe. See? you do learn stuff on this blog. Occasionally] It makes life more fun and more interesting to have friends who have varied interests .. No I'm not harping on you, my fifteen medi-science friends.

* She officially trumped Lovey who once told the people at work that her psychic said that her children were angels who hadn't been born yet. But that once they relinquished angel status then they would be coming down her fallopian tubes. I didn't know what to say to this. This really mean girl said openly to her face that it was ridiculous. And.. not good form ok? Upsetting people is bad. Upsetting nice people is extra bad. Don't do it.

Dear Coldplay

Dear Coldplay,

You're back. Omg. Why are you so awesome? Do you know your awesomeness is making my head explode?

Mush

P.s You've reduced me to a gibbering fangirl. Again. I must lay at your feet.

P.p.s I took my love down to violet hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

Life goes on

So a couple of months ago, Sb and I caught a bus [yes, he caught a bus. Its amazing, I know], we boarded and I was just daydreaming random thoughts out the window. [Peanut butter/coloured pencils/world peace/the taste of blu tack] when the bus stopped and on boarded four girls about my age.

Well no big deal right? I watched them for a little while- and they were just four ordinary girls laughing, talking about boys and work, maybe going somewhere to eat.

There was all this closeness and camaraderie being taken for granted. And I swear I have never been struck by this sensation before [I'll try and describe it properly for you] but I felt envy. I was choked and blocked off by this envy- in fact I could feel myself physically getting nauseous, I was trying to swallow this bile and I knew I was going green [see? I thought that was a myth, but you actually go green]
Sb shook me a bit and asked me if I was ok because I was looking a little pale.

They got off at the next stop, and when they left, the envy dispersed and all I felt was incredibly sad. The fact that the three of us would never ever do something so simple and ordinary again, we would see each other again for sure but something so everyday was not going to happen and if it did, it would not be for a really long time. When we got off the bus, I had to stop and have a little cry for that loss.

Every now and then, I think of those four girls and I have a little twinge. Last night I thought about how much more self sufficient I've gotten since they've left, I stood up and brushed myself off and headed home. Life goes on, but it doesn't stop you from having a twinge once in a while.