House Issues

This is what gardening does to your hands. Who says it's healthy???

So my real estate agent called me today and he sounded really really embarrassed.
RE: Mush?
M: Yes?
RE: I just wanted to talk to you today. About the house.
M: What about it?
RE: Well the other agent says that the yard is too messy. And weedy.
M: Yes, it's been raining i haven't gotten to it yet.
RE: And one other thing.
M: ...
RE: Your shoes. He wants you to fix up your shoes.
M: My shoes.
RE: Yes, he says that they are in disarray and impacts on the sale of the house.
M: They impact on the sale of the house.
RE: [Embarrassed silence] Just keep it neat, like normal.
M: .....

Would you like to see what my shoes look like on a normal everyday basis? They look like this. [Lots of converses, I know]

Yeah Ok. I think that if prospective buyers are scared off by how my shoes are laid out, they should probably consider buying a vacuum sealed bubble where the air only comes in through a via filtered vent. My shoes- affecting the housing boom, pair by pair. Eesh.


I was walking down the stairs and I noticed the picture was missing and I was what the heck?


On further inspection, the picture was laid facedown at the bottom of the stairs.

Tell me that's not weird, that the middle picture fell down by itself. In a space where there is no wind. None of the other frames are affected.
Can we get an x-files theme going??

The pictures are a series of three. They are little boats representing life. One indicates turbulence. Two is the calming of the storm. And three is the period of reflection that comes afterwards. I figure that it's some sort of sign that it's not over yet.

It's the freaking weekend!

"Sippin on coke and rum
Im like so what I'm drunk
It's the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun"
- Ignition. R Kelly



I had a feeling I was in for it this weekend. And it's Tuesday and I have a delayed hangover. My head hates me. Anyway photoes!

So Saint Mary said to me.. lets go pick up some lesbians!

My response was ..... sure. [This is my standard response to everything lately. Want to shave your head? Sure. Want to play chicken with an oncoming train? Why not.]

Sober faces. Try and remember these.

Smokey strobe lights. Not my camera.

Saint Mary is finding those light v. v. pretty. Whee! Lights!







We are so goofy! By this time we are high on wet pussies and Hanson. They actually played MmmBop! It was fricking hilarious.I distinctly remember standing with a group of girls in the bathroom serenading Saint Mary with "You're the voice" in the bathroom. Oh God.



I am told Ms Smith here regretted her shot of absinthe the next day. Much like the rest of us.

I was really wasted by one clock and I had no inhibitions left. So I said to this lady- You have a really great ass. Do you mind taking a photo with me? Well I guess who could turn down a request like that right?? Nobody.
She was trying to get her girlfriend to go home so she could spend quality time with her mistress. I wonder if she eventually convinced her girlfriend to leave. She was trying to hail a taxi as we walked away.

That was a much excellent night, but I paid for it the next day.

--

I went to work on one hours sleep. I was absolutely gorgeous. [Well actually I didn't look too bad considering how much make up I piled on] and I was wondering how I was going to make it to Dylmah's party in one piece. Considering I was designated driver and I was swerving even as I was walking.

In the afternoon, I got a message from Mexicana, she was down for the night. And she wanted dinner with me. We never have dinner anymore. Oh shoot. This is going to take my entire set of logistical skills. And I don't have any!

So I ran home from work, threw on some clothes and started driving. Of course, I was late. By the time I got to Dylmahs he pushed me out of the drivers seat. "I'm driving! Move out!". He's a proponent of offensive driving- I feared for my poor civic.

I stayed for a little while, ran to dinner with Mexicana [who got me the Hello Kitty MAC compact!] and then had to run back. Everyone was well on their way to getting completely trashed. I was going to stay til midnight Cinderella style but as soon as I stepped on the dancefloor I felt myself getting the most ridiculous headspins [the unfun kind] and I knew I had to get going before I drove my car into a pole. I was totally twinge-y at having to leave early.


Two of my favourite people. That was the first beer of the night.

Teeth everywhere!



Who's a happy chappy at having to leave early??






Everyone had an awesome time, there was talk about tabletop dancing and clothes coming off. I feel like I missed a lot of photo ops. When I left Dylmah was doing the AC/DC dance on the dancefloor.

Well that was my weekend topped off with a really really rushed essay on Twilight. [It may be the cause of my headache. Fucking Bella and Edward.]

Next week! I think more lesbian antics to come. I'm going to start getting a life again. About time~!

Relationships that are short and bitter [or I read the same book too, you mutha]

Last year or thereabouts I bought a book called The Game by Neil Strauss. And in it, it details the life of a pick up artist and how step by step to pick up women.

I figured the whole picking up thing would be useful [one day] so I did a basic memorisation of the steps- it goes like this:

1. Get the girls attention with a comment- doesn't have to be useful.

2. If shes with a friend, ignore her.

3. When you finish ignoring her, pay attention to her a bit.

4. Put her down so she feels insecure.

5. Touch her on the arm to gage a reaction. Forget it if she flinches

6. Pick up three signs that she's interested. Not flinching. Laughing at your joke. Staying put after your put down.

7. If successful then isolate and you're in her pants!

Anyway being a fully fledged clubling- I'm very careful to take note of people pulling these kinds of pick ups. I guess it really depends on the guy as well and his execution.

So Smiley came up to me today.

S: Hey hows it going??
M: Good. Feeling better?
S: Yes.

And then he proceeds to talk about the most random shit ever compiled. He watched the tennis and went to the bank. [Step 1: Engage in conversation]

And while he's talking to me about this miscellaneous miscellaneous. He touches me on the arm constantly and he pretty much gets right up in my personal space, which makes me paranoid that my face is dirty. Anyway. [Step 4: Keep touching her. If she doesn't back away- Good sign!]

And then he went to step 5# and this is where he completely failed. By this time I'm thinking.. I've also read that book buddy?

In the middle of all this randomness, he takes a deep breath and says:
Your mouth is open when you work. That's really weird. It looks weird.

And I stop and I'm flabbergasted. "Thanks? What? Thanks?" [I should've mentioned I breathe when I work but it escaped me because I'm too busy staring at him. With my mouth open. Ironically]

He sees me goggling, and he starts to backtrack. "I'm just pointing it out.. umm.. ahh.." and then he goes back to step 5. Touch her! save it! ahhh!

This time, I shrug him off and head back into the kitchen without a backwards glance.

Now the books says according to that step, when you put her down, you should point out that she has wonky fingers or big feet or something like that. The book doesn't even have to say don't ever ever make a judgmental comment on a womans face. It doesn't need to be said! OMG.

Of course when I get to the kitchen and I jump on Campbell with "HE SAID THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FACE." and she looks at me and says "There's nothing wrong with it. What is he talking about?"

Lighto [who is just an angry angry boy lately] says: What the fuck! Tell him he's an ugly &*%^&*#%$&*#^$&*! Did you say that?!"
"Um. no."

Look, if I be nice about this I figure that Smiley is just a guy who doesn't know how to talk to women. However, three conversations in and I also think the guy is massively massively dopey.

This is why I should crush from faraway. When I talk to them in person- they end up as massive douchebags.

---

I was talking to Lighto and I said "Whats new?"
He answers me all glum "I'm fighting with my girlfriend"
"Oh. What happened?"
"I don't know! She won't tell me!" [Heehee. Sorry, I've done this before and I really just wanted Sb to annoy me about it til I yelled at him and could get it all out in one go]
"Oh. Did you ask her?"
"Of course! But I don't care anymore! I'm not going to do anything anymore! I'm sick of it!"
"You don't... care..?"

"No, I don't and if she [expletive] annoys me [expletive] anymore [expletive] I'm going to [expletive] dump [expletive] her!"
"Wow. Um."

Last year, Lighto would've laid on a railtrack for her. I spent a lot of time trying to explain to him that he was insane. And he would verily dismiss me as "You're too young. What do you know about love?" [Nothing!] and I'd roll my eyes and the conversation would end.

I wonder if he promised his girlfriend he'd love her forever too. Men and the promises they make. In all honesty, I think I preferred when he was in love and all floaty.

Boys are dumb: volume no 12

Austin Powers [henceforth known as AP for short]and I have an interesting relationship. We are [almost] the only single people in our mutual group of friends. And we [were? are?] both batting very very long dry spells. We also have no attraction to each other, other than to end our mutual dry spells.

It's convenient, why not? [God, there has to be a better reason than that I'm sure]

Anyway a couple of disastrous sessions, we shook hands, laughed it off and promised each other we'd never even attempt such a thing ever again.

We handled it maturely like adults. Or at least I thought so.

Last week, I went to meet this group of friends and as I approached I saw some girl I'd never seen before making out with someone. [It's a bar. It's not unusual] I looked around for AP and I couldn't find him so I started talking to other people. When the girl finally shifted for air- there he was! And they went right back to it.

I didn't know quite how to catch his eye to say.. "???! .. wheres my heads up?!". Outwardly, I was happy and cheery and inwardly I was hoping that they would keep their clothes on and not sixty nine on the Goddamn table. I bet you he would have- the insensitive prick.

So she finally went to the bathroom and I caught his eye and smiled at him and he just looked blankly at me.
Oh for fucks sake, adults? is this how we're going to have to play this?

So he ignored me and I ignored him. He and her did all the girlfriendy boyfriendy things of chasing her around in the rain and I decided I had a headache.

I was mad mad mad the following morning [I deleted that post. Ha.] but then I realised that I actually didn't care that much and didn't think about it anymore.

Until this morning, he calls me and I didn't know what to think about this sudden lifting of the cone of silence.

Saint Mary calls me in the afternoon and asks me to hang out with her, and the make out girl.
Me: Isn't that AP's girlfriend? I don't know her from a bag of corn.
SM: Oh, they are not together. She broke it off with him. She wanted to be just friends. She might be easy.
Me: Snerk. Poor guy.

And then DING! FUCKING DING! Thus explains the lifting of the cone of silence. And boy, how unimpressed am I that I get a phone call once easy-make-out-girl slides out of the picture.

Yeah right. you must be stupid. You must think I'm stupid. Isn't it cute how convenient everything is. Erk. Whatever.

---

There's this dealer who we will call Smiley, that I've been faraway crushing on for a while. The last time we talked, he seemed so nice and .. smiley.. and I was going to talk to him longer until Campbell interrupted and asked me about my phone sex technique. He started to laugh and I slunk away, cursing Campbell [who for some reason kept talking to him about phone sex. Anyway.]So I've kept an eye out for him and I haven't seen him for a few months until today.

I should've picked a day to talk to him when he wasn't so exhausted. Also he wasn't that smiley.
When I went up to say hi- his eyes were not focusing.

Me: Sooooo.. you're exiled here?
S: Wha?
Me: exiled? you? here? alone?
S: oh.. yeah, sorry I'm really tired.

The boy has half a degree in medicine and a full degree in finance. So I figure I must've set him on some sort of smart geniuses pedestal. Well I don't know if it was because he was exhausted, we'll just blame it on the exhaustion.

[Talking about careers]
Me: I freelance design mostly.
S: Freelance? Is that where you do stuff for free?
Me: ............... no.

[Confirming his name]
Me: Sorry I didn't catch your name. Its....?
S: My name.[pauses and tries to remember it] Smiley.
Me: You... don't.. know ..your own name?!

And then I think the overtiredness was giving him the giggles, because towards the end he couldn't stop laughing.

The conversation went all distorted

S: I;m going to enter into a poker tournament on Sunday. Ever hear of drunken kung fu?
Me: Sure, Jackie Chan and all that. Um. Does that mean you're going to get drunk and play? or drunk and fight?
S: No, I can't fight! I'm the nicest guy here. I never fight, you could probably beat me
Me: Yah, I'd slap you over the head. So you never fight? Don't you have brothers and sisters?
S: Yes I have a brother.
Me: .. well don't you wrestle him?
S: [starts to laugh until he's crying]
Me: Oh boy.
S: My brother is five. I could wrestle him but I'd squash him! He'd most definitely lose. [Continues to laugh into his hands]
S: You're hilarious. Do you know you're hilarious?
Me: This conversation has lost the plot. I'm going back to work.


Well that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I will try again tomorrow when he's less tired [apparently he was seeing double of everybody.]

Another dream

"If I could stay.. then the night would give you up"
- U2, Stay [Faraway, so close!]

We're driving past a long stretch of beach and

he asks: How was your day?

I say: It's ok. I'm leaving for Hong Kong next week.

:Thats good. You need a break.

And then I woke up.

I figure once everything is resolved I will no longer dream about talking to him. He, driving and talking are interlinked in my head.

Hooters

This is the look Campbell gave me when I told her to stop studying and come to Hooters with me. Not impressed.







However we both clean up nice. Don't you think? Well you can't really see me because I applied smoky eye and I look like someone punched me [actually it very closely resembles the effect of that Garnier Stuff] and I'm not really fond of pictures where I look like the victim of domestic violence. Mystic Meg gave me the leather jacket. I'm just giving props to her because she was going to throw it in the bin. The bin!


Hooters! You can't see very clearly because the rain is making everything blurry. But apparently those people on the balcony are waving. I'm such a tourist I know.



Menu!



Here's a picture of the waitress's ass. I didn't feel really comfortable asking for an actual photo- touristy as I am. Now here's the thing- I was going in expecting a mix of Penthouse forum and KFC. Uber beautiful women shaking their tits in my face while they repeated my order in breathy little voices.. "ooh.. chickennnn..". They just looked like ordinary women in short shorts! Orange short shorts.

When I expressed my disappointment to Betty that no-one looked like Jenna Jameson. She very sternly admonished me that no-one who actually looked like Jenna Jameson was going to work for Hooters when they could easily make much more money nabbing rich husbands in Double Bay. None of our waitress had asses either. They were nice however. And there was nothing wrong with our orders. They were much nicer than I would have been.

Clearly, anybody who goes to Hooters is not going for the food [except food critics] and the food.. well it was kind of atrocious. Who am I kidding? It was high priced subway on a bun bought from Woolworths. Blerk. I wouldn't give that stuff to Minnie and I'm sure she wouldn't eat it.
I ordered a philly cheese steak. It even looks terrible in my camera and I'm a food photo genius. Blah.


Remains of the entree.


My Philly cheese steak. Seriously it looked like that. All the meat was half out of my bun. I think it was supposed to be fashionable. It was just annoying having to push everything back in. I gave up and just started eating the meat by itself.


Betty and Noodle!




This is part of the meal where I'm getting told to put! the camera! down! I love the expression of the guy in the back by the way. Origin is playing and New South Wales is getting trounced.


Cheers Girls!


If nothing else, at least they have ice cream.
So the end conclusion? Well I'm not really in any rush to go back. Scratch that.What the heck would I go back for?? There's nothing to ogle [boy or girl wise] and the food is meh. And no-one has explained to me why there are groups and groups of teenage boys hanging around the parking lot [I know that seems like a dumb question but it really isn't]

Doing nothing and random musings.

Here's what I did today:

Absolutely nothing! So much so that I think my couch has a nice little dent in it from my butt.

I'm sitting here watching crappy tv, typing on the laptop, eating sausage pasta and drinking diet coke. I love diet coke. I also love documentaries on the Taliban, I don't know why- I think it's because I find it funny that they drive American Humvees. Death to the Infidel car! after we've used it, of course. Haha.

Lipstick Jungle is a positively crappy show. Not even pretty fashion for me to look at. Why is everybody dressed so blah? Fire the stylist! Or introduce some stripper zombies. Anything to make it more interesting. Killer mice? Time travelling nuns?

I'm going to Hooters tomorrow! I'll go and exploit some waitresses and squeeze some waitress-y breast. If they'll let me. Promise some pictures!

Feeling

:(

These games we play

[And how I fucking don't want to play them anymore]

Post deleted from too much blood spilled.

You know who you are, you fuckheads.

Past lives.

I saw Alphabeta today. That's a person I really haven't thought about for a long time. She was coming down the stairs with her sister and she looked beautiful- very professional. She went into the store and picked up her little boy and kissed him.

I was going to say hello but I didn't want to interrupt. I've been getting twinges of past lives all day.

Holiday Dreams

So I've been made redundant a month into my new job. Thanks Global economic recession!

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be.

I had a dream... that I would take a vacation to here.



And sit on the beach and read a book.

Or here. Where I would sit in a cafe and just people watch. [God, I miss that place so much my bones ache from it]



Anyway I thought it would be a good time before I threw myself back into house hunting and job hunting.

It was not to be so. Vague notions of palm trees were making me dizzy.

Ring ring.
Hello?
Hey Mush, can you please work on the public holiday?
What. Sure. What.

Afterwards Dylmah turns up on msn and demands that I take that day off.
What why?
It's the day after my birthday! Tell your supe you can't work! I've bagsed that day!
What. Sure. What.


The cocktails and books were starting to disperse before my eyes.


And then I mention to Campbell that I'm thinking about disappearing and her words were "Just wait til I've finished uni"
And this is where I start to get the shits.
What.
"We can play when I finish uni"

I can no longer see anything next week but Twilight essays, serving coffee to shitty customers and dragging drunk boy home on two hours of sleep.

And then my mum calls.

Ring ring.
Hullo?
Hullo.
We've started an account for you to buy a house, so we're saving for you and we hope that you're saving too.
[Fuck. The guilt, it is killing me!]
Ok mum, I'll be more careful with my money.
Don't forget your stepdad's birthday next week!

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. And poof. Just like that it's all gone. A mirage of myself on a blanket at St Kilda beach.

Monday mayhem

Its too big/
Its too wide/
Its too strong/
It won’t fit...


Ego- Beyonce

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OK Beyonce. I guess it would be kinda crude to call the song "Penis."

_ _ _




I was a bit of a sucker for advertising and I went bought myself a tube of Garnier Nutritionist. From what I could tell from the advertisement was that it was a bit of a miracle eye cream that contains caffeine so it is supposed to immediately perk your eyes up and I'm a bit exhausted [and looking it!] lately so I thought it would be the perfect product.

I put it on before work yesterday and I didn't really notice it. I thought I would feel a tightening but there was nothing. Until I looked in the mirror in the afternoon and to my horror, the line under my eye [which is usually only small and tiny] was stretched right across.


[Sorry no photos]

I shrieked and ran back up the stairs, burst into the kitchen and yelled "CHRISSY! CHRISSY! OHMYGOD! MY EYE!"
Chrissy looks at me and says "Whats wrong with it?" She steps back and says "Why the heck are your eyes so puffy?"
"I used this cream! The caffeine cream! And now I have crows feet and I'm twenty six!"
"That caffeine cream!? I was going to get some.. errrr.. maybe not."

The next morning I was hanging out with Campbell and there was no line [well it had gone back to being tiny] and I picked up the tube and I thought about it.

What if it was a fluke?
Maybe the cream had nothing to do with my miraculous wrinkles at all?
Then wouldn't it be a waste of a tube?

Second times the charm right?

So I applied it very slightly under my eyes and Campbell turned to talk to me and mouthed "Holy. Fuck." and I said "What?"

"Chicks.... you look like you've been punched in the eyes"

"Whaaaaaaaaat?"

And it was true, The underlid of my eyes has swollen up and it looked like I had stuffed little cushions under there.

Campbell stared at me and started to laugh "wahahahaha... pandaface!"

"It's not funny! I'm not touching that tube anymore! its cursed! You can have it!"

She grinned at me "I don't have any lines."

----


They fired Lucifer today. Wherever he is, I hope he gets help.

Not by any means a domestic goddess #49849584

It's been raining here heavily for the last five days and because I don't have a dryer means I have loads and loads of laundry. And loads and loads of laundry on a rainy day equals Mush stuck on a Friday night [domestic goddess style] ironing every single fricking sock, towel and hoodie dry.

Two loads took me three hours. I got so frustrated with trying to iron bedsheets that I gave up and stuffed all the sheets back in the machine. Ha.

In the beginning it was fine. I stuck an old dvd on and watched as I worked.

Here's a tip- when ironing pick an average dvd. Don't pick something fantastically good or something astonishingly bad. I in my infinite wisdom picked something so dumb.. you know what? I've seen a lot of dumb movies but this one takes the cake.

I grabbed a collection of Johnnie To dvds from my mum. For those who don't know Johnnie To is like the Jerry Bruckheimer of the Hong Kong film industry. So really I shouldn't have been expecting anything .. smart.

The story is set in the near future Hong Kong and the world has been devastated by nuclear fallout. Mr Kim. [a man with a scarred face] has polluted the water with um.. radiation and now controls the water supply and uses this to try and control Hong Kong with a convoluted plot to try and get everybody to uprise against the president. Did you get that? He controls the water and pretty much everything but he still wants the title. Hows that for an ego fuck? Why not try withholding the water completely so that everyone has to kiss your ass? Why not press for a democratic election and ask the people if they want to vote for the guy with the water or the guy without the water? My bet is they'd vote for him and not the bald useless president.

ANYWAY. It stars the beautiful Maggie Cheung, Anita Mui, and Michelle Yeoh. They are the Charlies Angels of post apocalyptic Hong Kong. Right. For some reason, Maggie's character is supposed to be a rough bandit so for characterisation they have her swearing every second word. You really haven't had an acid trip until you see Maggie Cheung curse like a pirate.

And they've subtitled it badly so the swearing comes off as "I wish I had a son that had no asshole!" or alternately "I'm a jerk! Why can't I go to hell?!"
It takes away from the plot a little. Just a tiny inch.

It's up to our fortitous trio [and this hella fucking annoying kid. By the way can't Hong Kong pick better child actors?? Is it just me or does the stupid kid always run away when they're not supposed to and then gets someone killed?! I digress] to stop Mr Kim.

To show you how little Johnnie To actually cared about this movie.. Watch how many times Anita's outfit changes in the final battle scenes. It's pants. It's a miniskirt. It's pants. The video editor must've been asleep at the wheel.

Look at Maggie! a paragon of grace in a crotch shot. By the way I didn't even know the villain was Anthony Wong until I wiki-ed it.

It's the type of movie where the villain actually laughs when he thinks he's accomplished something. "Muhahahahah!" and then twists his moustache. It's also the type of movie where people drink rats for nutrition and five year old girls who've never seen water can swim underwater for two kilometres. It's that type of movie.

So at the end, there is one of the most bizarre fight scenes I've ever seen where everyone just rips each other apart [no, seriously everyone's an amputee and they keep fighting!] and I drop my iron.

Ohfuck.Ohshit.Ohfuck. The iron has burnt an iron shaped shape in my carpet!

I leap onto it and spray it like crazy but it's too late. Another stain I have to hide from the agent. [that orange juice stain is not coming out either. Eek.]

I blame that shite movie! And it's crappy explosions!

Or maybe you know, I'm just not the type of person who is supposed to reserve her friday nights for laundry.

None of this would've happened if I had just gone out!

Yelling

I am still not used to a workplace where everybody looks like they are yelling at each other but are actually not.

[Aveda tells me that they are actually are.. but it's kind of whooshed right over my head]

This morning, the yelling is of a higher pitch. It's like being in the middle of a chinese football field.

Star Trek Revisited

Well Kirk, your forehead is as big as I remembered it- so it wasn't the alcohol.

And.... HOLY MAMA! Something else is also big which I didn't recall during the movie! I don't remember seeing that!

Of relationships old, new and closing

In my new job, I've made a new friend called Aveda. Well technically, she's my marketing manager and she's the person I go to when I hate photoshop/gradients/brochures/life. Every morning I say that I'm hungry and she feeds me. I ate a good third of her breakfast [vegetarian dumplings.. mmm..] this morning and she hasn't poked me in the eye yet! I love people who give me food. The thing that I noticed about her is that [and this sounds weird] .. she helps me up. a lot.
When I'm getting out of the car, when I'm kneeling next to her desk- she'll cup her hand around her elbow and help me to stand. I've never had anyone do this for me before! Besides of course when I'm drunk/skating/ or skiing. I don't know why she does it, it could be because she thinks I'm a giant galumphous who'll fall on her or maybe she's just naturally really really nice. I prefer to think that it's because she's really really nice.

And also, this which has nothing to do with anything, she's really good looking- and naturally good looking. No help at all from make up or anything else. And her hair just falls in pretty waves and so every morning when she comes in with her coffee- I hate her just a little bit but then she says hi and is all smiley and I don't hate her anymore. I wonder when I'll get over it. I haven't seen her have a bad hair day in over a month. Some people have all the luck.

[Ok, I'm just feeling resentful because my hair is black and short and I look like this
Without the green eyes obviously. No contacts. Stupid hairdresser. I don't hate Aveda. I love her. I'm just jealous because the chances of her ending up with a buttercup bowlcut is minimal to none.]

So I had dinner with Lighto tonight, the first one in seriously over a year and a half. How odd to be sitting across from the guy and have talked to him for a good hour and think "I don't know the boy!". On the surface he is still the same, he's goofy and funny and easy to talk to but after talking to him for a bit [and I don't know if I just caught him on a bad day] but he's so much angrier. I'm not even sure what to attribute that to.

So I'm driving him to the city and he's roadraging! Taxis, pedestrians, other cars. I turn to him and say dude! relax! [Haha. I told someone else to relax. Haha]

At one point during the night, he said "I hate people." and I could only look at him and say "if that includes me, you're walking home." He had to laugh at that.

What happened to the happy-go-lucky Lighto that I knew? This one is not sleeping and overworking himself to death. If I could I'd wave a wand and send him to a tropical island for some recuperation. I hate to see him like this.

---

Some weeks ago, I had an argument with Lucifer. And I said to him out of maternal concern "Stop drinking in front of the fucking camera. You are going to get caught, you stupid fuckhead"
[I meant it nicely! really!]

and he said to me "what are you talking about?"

"Look, you alco. You are going to get fired if you don't stop bombing wild turkey and cokes for everyone to see"

He looked at me all hurt like I had kicked a kitten in the shins and said "My tooth hurts. I'm drinking to numb the pain. People do that with sore teeth. Is that all right with you?"

"People rub brandy on their gums, you moron. They don't chug bourbon for pain!"

"Oh whatever, I don't appreciate you calling me an alco. AND I don't drink that much at work."

"Yes you do, and if you don't stop- you will get your ass fired and you will be a forty year old with a drinking problem in a welfare house."

He gave me that hurt look again and ignored me for the rest of the day. God, I hate it when people don't listen to me.

A couple of days ago, one of the supes mentioned that when Lucifer got back from his holiday- he would be fired for drinking in front of the camera. And all I could say to that was Le Sigh.

I was half asleep last night when Campbell started talking about Lucifer and she says "He told me he likes you"

"Oh. A blind man who lives in a box with no light in Cuba also told me the same thing."

I started to drift off back to sleep.

"Don't be a smartarse. He also said that he's starting to stop liking you, because you're too hard to understand."

That woke me up. "Oh really? Thank God. All this time I was mean to him so he would quit it and all I had to do was be complex. Men."

Racism and noodles

So I'm sitting here with Campbell doing an assignment when I turn to her and say "I'm starving." and she being a mucho good friend says.. I'll go out and get it for you. Do you want chinese?

I look at her and say .. are you sure? Because what I really want is stir fried rice noodles with lamb, vegetarian dumplings, and .. glutinous rice balls..if you want.

And she goes "Sure!" and off she toddles, this blonde haired white girl with a list in her hand. I should have known not to send her by herself into the lion's den of Asian food.

Twenty minutes later she calls me and she's half crying and half laughing

M: what happened?

C: I got there and I told them the list! and they said they have no dumplings! no lamb! and no glutinous balls!

M: .. they said what..? They're a dumpling store.

C: I know! they said they have none of these things and then they pushed a menu in my hand and shoved me out of the restaurant!

M: Omg. Are you serious? They're just being pricks.

C: Why would they do this to me?

M: ... It's because you're white..

C: But there's another western lady who was in there. Oh wait. Hold on. She's also outside with a menu in her hand. Annnnd... on the phone.

M: [!!!] Just leave! We don't want their food! Get something else!

C: Those pricks.

Eventually Campbell went across the street and went into a very nice restaurant with a very nice lady who helped her straight away.

And I'm never going back to that restaurant ever ever. If I put my finger on what bothers me about it the most is that we're a multicultural progressive society where we let every Kumar, Stefano and Ken Wong in, but Ken Wong doesn't want to be part of a multicultural progressive society. But that's the only reason he's here in the first place. Did that make sense? I think my head just exploded with the circularity of it.

All I wanted was noodles- they didn't have to be mean about it.

....

It is 7:39 and I apologise for that entire rant and I apologise to all the Ken Wongs of Australia. Campbell walked into the wrong restaurant. It was not a dumpling restaurant. She's still mad though. And I guess I get to go back to that restaurant? never say never ever!

Mornings

"I walked across, an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth, beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know."

Somewhere- Keane

It's early in the morning, and the wind is blowing the trees around. The sky looks ominous. It's a distinctly furious gray. One day before I go, I'm going to open up the window and climb onto my roof.

Actually not long to go now.

I worry about these changes.

It's that time of the year again.

Along with Christmas, Easter, Car registration.. it's the annual "Oh shit. Mush has lost her phone again"

Sigh.

Whoosh whoosh

I am so hungover.

Here's a general rule for life. Don't get really drunk and watch the new Star Trek movie.

Firstly, everything goes hyper fast and whoosh whoosh whoosh. And it makes your head spinny. Even more spinny.

Secondly, It makes it really really really hard to follow plot [Why are there two Spocks? Is that Leonard Nimoy or is that the young spock in age make up? Am I going crazy?]

Thirdly, I don't know if the alcohol affected my perception [it probably did] but Kirk's forehead was massive! Massive!

Fourthly, when you squee for John Cho- there's a time lapse delay and people think you're squeeing for Simon Pegg or Uhara or that random green alien.

Fifthly, When I'm sober I squee more inwardly- not interrupting the poor girls next to me with my John Cho cheerleading

Sixthly, Those poor girls had to deal with us running to the bathroom every twenty and a half minutes

And now at some point I have to watch it again. Sober. Maybe Kirk's head will be in proportion then.

Kiddies, remember tequila is bad for you!

And more dreams

So last night I dreamt that my tooth fell out. Well technically it was jutting out to the front in a ridiculous way and so I pushed it with my tongue and I was bleeding everywhere and I caught this long ass molar in my hand.

Cute right?

It disturbed me but I was hoping that it would mean something good. Like a millionaire was about to give me money

So I went online and looked it up.

It means: Loss of self or identity; losing something you can't replace.

Well that's just.. crap.

Melon collie

I find words are at the moment inadequate to explain how I feel. I don't know if it's the cold and flu tablets messing with my head but yesterday [well most of it] I was content and today I just want to lay my head on my keyboard.

Too many shifts and no time equals no underwear

So I am quite a bit past caring what people think. I am even more past caring what people think at work.

About two weeks ago I said to my supe, "Don't give me so many shifts.. I don't want to work seven days a week. I will be tired. I will be cranky. And I need time to wash my socks."

He laughed and thought it was the most hilarious thing ever.

Sure enough, two weeks later he didn't listen and I am out of underwear. I had to resort to wearing a really dodgy pair of boxers which don't quite fit. I have to roll them over my pants so they don't fall down. Am I the sexiest person ever? I think so.

So I was talking to this supe today and I must've stretched or whatever and he turned to me very sternly and said:

Mush, when you come to work- you have to get completely dressed.

I looked at him and said "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your boxers!"

"Oh. ... ... ... well I told you! I told you to give me a day off so I can do laundry! but you didn't listen! I'm telling you. I have no underwear. None."

"Go buy some!"

"When?!"

"Thursday night. Late night shopping"

"Today is Saturday... so unless you want me to go back in time..."

And that shut him up.

You know ordinarily I would be embarrassed or whatever. but. I. don't. care. That's right I'm tired and cranky. Take that. I'm not a happy worker.

Take that Freud!

Ordinarily I never document my dreams because I find reading other people's dreams inexplicably boring. Feel free to ignore this post if your eyes glaze over

My anxieties are officially making me mental. And I didn't even know I had so many. Damn. Pick and circle my worries

I'm driving and talking to Sb on the phone and I ask him to do something for me [I think I asked him to see me actually], but he refuses and I get really really hurt and angry and I'm crying and firing off angry smses [those smses actually seem really familiar] and he doesn't reply, so I keep on driving.

I continue driving to school and I'm looking for parking and I park in some suburban street and before I leave the car I check on my two teddy bears in the back. I decide not to leave my ipod in the car for them to listen to [huh.].

I didn't know that Snuffles was mad at me so as I'm walking away, I see him release the handbrake and my car goes flying down the hill and smashes into another parked car.

My dream self and my real self both have the same reaction 'crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap'

And I can only do what I can do. I see the house next to us has turned the light on and the probability that this is their white car is very high so I jump into my car and drive off [oh God, look at the back of that white car]

So now I'm in tears again and I park in a spot closer to uni- the front of my car is a mess.

I get to uni [where did snuffles disappear to?] and I receive my report card from the counter and it says .. "Mush is doing really badly in all her classes. She doesn't participate and the only reason she's doing any good in any of her classes is because she smiles at Matt Hocking" also the report card is covered in big red crosses.

That does it. What a crappy day in dreamland. And so dream me has had enough and turns around to go home but realises that there's not much chance of driving home in my crashed up car.

And this is where I start to have a full blown panic attack- there's no way I can go to class after that savaging but if I leave they'll suspend me for cutting too many classes.

This is where my parents show up and say "Go home!.." and I explain to them about my car and they tsk and say they have a solution for me!

They provide me with a cardboard box and say "Use this". I'm stumped.. it's a cardboard box. They laugh and say we have one too!

Um. Ok. So I get in the cardboard box on the highway and it doesn't move like a car. Obviously. The only way it's going to move is if I sit in the box and push forward with my hands. And this is how I slowly go home- pushing myself in a cardboard box going 2km an hour.


That's it. I'm apparently a giant ball of nuts.

Some self-preservative left

I reckon that when God was handing out self preservative in people. He gave me a quart less than everyone else. I bump into things, knock things over, talk to boys that will break my heart and generally leave a small trail of self created destruction everywhere I go. You wouldn't know it to look at me though, because I am so quiet- but follow the trail of ouches to the kitchen and you'll see me standing in a puddle of soy sauce and perplexity. How the heck did I do that??

Well if I am a little human tornado. then Coffee is a level five tsunami. And he knows it. He once said to me, by way of ordinary conversation "I just leave mess everywhere I go. " and by this he means not sauce and pots but by the rolling wave of human female carcasses that he leaves behind.

And being a firsthand witness to the devastating effects of what he does and how he does it. It's staggering.

So anyway I removed myself from the situation and I thought that it was all good and I was all over it and I haven't spoken to him for months. Well rather he hasn't spoken to me for months. But I digress.

And then he calls last night. And apparently I'm not so much over it as I thought.

I'm about to go to bed when the phone starts to vibrate and I pick it up and I almost fall over because I recognise the number even though I went out of my way to delete it [drat!]

And then I do the Mush panic run around which involves.. yelling "What do I do? What do I do?!", tossing the phone hand to hand and just general shouts of "AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH!"- which I'm sure my neighbours appreciated at eleven at night.

However while I'm running around like a fool- a little voice in the back of my head says "if you pick it up stupid, you're going to be standing right back in that mess again. And clearly your running around like a chicken shows that you are in no right head space to pick up"

Thanks self preservative!

And then the phone stopped ringing. And I thought I was going to have a stroke. I sat down by the side of my bed and shook a little. I smsed all my friends with" You better be proud of me." And they all came through with little hoorays. Which was nice.

Before you congratulate me on my evolution on being a smidgen stronger- I honestly didn't get a wink of sleep last night. None. I wonder if he knew he was making girls around the state throw their phones around like hot potatoes, would he still call them?

Long work days

Am desperately fighting off the flu. I have never drunk so much tea in my entire life. I think eventually I'm going to sweat tea through my pores. They will call me tea girl and laugh and point. On the bright side I get to make a mint off paparazzi and royalties. Then I will surround myself with lots of yes-people who don't care that I smell like leaves.

Am sick of drawing radios. Sigh.

Hate banana jellybeans. Especially after the pear ones. Gleuh.

On the other hand, I'm having a good hair day. And I get to leave the office after twenty minutes.

Fifteen.

Ten.

Five.

I'm leaving.

Hooray!

Back! with a job!

You have no idea how glad I am to have the internet back and to be able to surf it slowly without my [two!] bosses looking over my shoulder especially since they sit behind me. I would hunt for porn- if, you know, I was a porn fiend. Good thing I'm not a porn fiend.

Anyway, so I've started a new job and it's not particularly hard and it doesn't pay particularly well [well ok, it pays aeroplane-crash badly] but I guess, you know, I get to draw little pictures of tv's all day long.. and I shouldn't complain [too much] about doing something I really like doing.. even if I still hate photoshop and web 2.0 and creating buttons.

And the environment is really really different.. it's so.... asian. We share taro and preserved celery for lunch- and then after work I go put my face in a bag of junk food to wash it off. I haven't seen anyone even remotely white for three days and when I saw one today in the office [magazine salesman] it was like someone had lifted a curtain. I had to fight the urge to point at him and giggle "a hee-hee- hee! a white man! like in a picture book! a hee-hee-hee!"

But of course, I put my game face on and said very politely "How do you do?"

I know that Sumo and Dylmah would have run screaming for the doorway by now [they are the asians who don't like asians. Bizarre I know.] but I don't mind it that much. Of course I wished that they spoke more english and that we could communicate more on politics or gossip girl or anything really but then I have the casino environment where I have to hear people discuss anal and all kids of deviant behaviour all day long- so maybe talking about what I'm having for lunch is kind of a break in itself.

I'm justifying. Blah.

Anyway I don't mind it. Oh. I do mind that the question mark key is stuck on my work keyboard. Thats bugs me. It makes it look I'm stating things all day long.

I was reading the contract yesterday and there was a clause called 'Death'
[paraphrasing] when the employee dies, all employment between the company and the employee ceases.

I guess they had a lot of post-death/zombie issues to put in a clause like that, or maybe they just want to work us to DEATH! DEATH!

I signed the contract. I'll probably ask my boss about it one day when I'm feeling goofy- still on probation though so I may wait a few months.

[As you may have probably noticed- I am completely doofus and totally rambling. I think I'm just happy to be out of the straitjacket we call office attire. Jeans here we come!]

V. lucky

I'm v. lucky to have such good friends. Thank you. You know who you are.

Logic

Whenever I get upset I get a theory that I should stop blogging. I don't logically see how one equals the other but for some reason it does. I may have to sit down and ponder this one day.

Least. Last. Done

"Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation."
-Last Goodbye Jeff Buckley

Gen Y @ work

"Some employers are concerned that the members of Millennials have too great expectations from the workplace and desire to shape their jobs to fit their lives rather than adapt their lives to the workplace"- Gen Y on Wiki

ok so first congratulate me because I have a new job! woohoo!

The problem is.. and it has a number of teeny tiny problems... it pays less than my actual rent [which is low, low, low...] and secondly well it's not really my type of job. Hell, we'll say it loud. I am not built for car marketing I am more built for illustration and girly girly things.

So in my head before I've started this job- I've kind of already left it. Ahahaha. Seriously in my idea of longterm planning I'm thinking max a year and then I am vamoose to someone who can pay me better. Please buy my loyalty. It works.

Someone said that to me today- "stay for three months and then leave!" and I said "Really?? That's such a gen Y thing to do" and then I clamped my hand over my mouth and slapped myself all over the head several times.

Sb's friends used to tease me about being a gen Y all the time. But I am not ashamed! I am a face-booking, blogging, media culture-whoring, attention seeking, multi-lingual gen Y! You can buy my attention with shiny objects and whats wrong with that?? and anyway there's 71 million of us- we will eventually rule the world so stop being so pissy you cranky baby boomers [you're just mad that you can't work an iphone. Nehh.]

Random randomly bits.

I’m back after two weeks of computer breakdown. For awhile I was having computer withdrawals- I bought seven books. It helped some.

---

Two weeks ago, I was standing in the bar with Lucifer and I started teasing him about his new girlfriend.

He looked at me and said very seriously “well I wasn’t going to wait for you forever”

“Oh? Someone said that the exact same thing to me last night. Word for word. Is there a male handbook on how TO TALK TO ME?! A book of LINES perhaps?? Am I supposed to respond to all of it in the same FRICKING WAY??”

He started to tremble a little bit and I began to feel like I had kicked a lame bunny or something. [Crap. I can’t even outburst anymore]

Finally I relented. “Oh fuck off. I don’t even care that much. Go be happy”

“Well I am happy but I’m not.”

“Lemme guess, you like the girl but she likes you more and now you have an obligation to date her?” My eyes started doing a little roll towards the exit.

“Hey yeah! That’s amazing! How did you know?!”

“Handbook.”

---

So I was heading to my car and there’s a low wall next to the stairs when I saw this black kitten walk towards me, he propped himself up standing on this low wall so all I could see were a head and two paws and then he inclined his head at me. I was a little bit in love with him- he was that cute. And God knows I don’t generally love cats so I called him towards me [after he had finished inspecting me, of course] and I gave him a hug before I went to work.

I didn’t think he would remember me the next time when he crossed paths again [I presume that’s dogs memories are better?] but he came up to me, looked up and said “riowr!”. I do believe “riowr” is cat for hello. I honestly have never met such a good natured cat. I’ll miss him when I eventually move.

---

I was walking Minnie and these two little schoolkids crossing the road stopped and waved hello at her before they continued on their way. Talk about gestures that break your heart.

---

I was at this party and I didn’t want to sit inside and singstar [besides the fact there was this girl hogging the microphone and I didn’t want to eventually smack her on the side of the head with it] so I sat down outside with some boys. I figured that I’d get some deep revelations about how men really are. Turns out that I was expecting Plato over a beer and uhhh.. I got nipples, cocks and cars [I did meet a guy who does study philosophy the other day, I suppose he also discusses nipples with his friends instead of the meaning of life].

So I was kind of enjoying the conversation when this guy I vaguely know wandered out onto the balcony as well. As I was listening he turns to me and says “They’re just talking like this to turn you off.”

I could only turn and give him my most withering glare.

And then he says to me “Can you cook?”

And I reply “Of course, I can”

“Oh. I didn’t expect that you could” .. before I have time to register this insult, he continues “Women who can’t cook buy shoes. And women who can cook don’t buy shoes.”

I’m so blown away that I can only stare at him with my mouth open, when I finally manage to say something, it comes out strangled.

“And what about the women that manage to buy shoes AND cook? Thanks for your idiotic gender commentary. Now please fuck off.”

He shrugs “I’m only being honest”

Robbie next to me has never seen me so angry. And I’m slowly inching my fingers to take off my shoe to lob at this fuckhead. He pushes a bottle of moscato in my hand [not even with a straw or anything!] and says “drink this.” He then turns around and says to that pig, “Shut the fuck up. You’re not even making any sense.”

There’s a lull in the conversation and the topic goes back to nipples.

Boy 2# :Well, let’s change the topic shall we!.. so David.. how do you manage to move your nipples?

David, fuckwit extraordinaire: Well you can eventually manage to move them through pushups. If you do enough push ups then you can move them!

Me: Ok, that’s it. Your body looks like a sack of potatoes. Push ups. What push ups? You’re full of shit. How do you manage to be so full of shit?

Boy 2#: Aheeheeheeheehee

David: Whatever. Let’s go to McDonalds. Who’s up for McDonalds?

Yuk. Don’t ever let me see the guy again I will totally bean him with a frying pan [the one I apparently don't use!]. I told my girlfriends about it as I was driving home and the consensus was ass. Total ass.

---
Chrissy started moaning at me the other day "Mush! I need to get laid!"

I stared at her for a beat "Chrissy. You have a boyfriend. When did you last get some?"

"Last night."

.."I haven't gotten any since November! Are you serious?! You're complaining to the wrong person! You're complaining to a starving person that your pizza has too much cheese!"

"Ahahaheehee.. yeah you're right."

At this point Campbell walks in and Chrissy starts her spiel again. "I neeeeeed toooo geeeeettt laaaaaaid"

Campbell looks at her and says "Chrissy. My boyfriend is overseas. Suck it up."

"I will. I will."

---

I feel better lately. I feel like I'm breathing more regularly. Not falling to pieces. Progress.

Drifting towards

By request from Mexicana. Sleepy and vulnerable without my hair, my contacts , my make up.

Things that are distracting

So here is a list of things that are taking my mind off things

- My pandora bracelet.
For the first few days wearing it- it constantly plucked out any wrist hair I might have had. It was like it's way of saying "Here I am! Pay attention to me! Me! Me!" and now that I have no more hair on my arm I don't think about it as much. But I still think [quite constantly] about how to prettify the thing. I'm hoping that someone will be kind and offer me a gold charm for it [without having to sell my body for the thing, of course]. I only have two charms on it- a money bag which is my way of telling myself to invest more wisely in people and a fish which is only there because it's so fricking cute.

- My ongoing commitment to being ripped off by any mechanic in a thirty mile radius.
So I've just paid eight hundred dollars for a service two months ago and I was thinking it might be due for a basic service soon. There was no way I was taking it back to Terry Ryan's in Ryde. Sorry guys but charging six hundred for labour makes you complete asshats. Anyway. I took it to Midas in Chatswood and I called beforehand and asked for a quote [like the smart cookie I am right?]

Me: I'm bringing my car in for a service. How much?
Mechanic: [bored voice] five hundred and seventy dollars.
Me: EXCUSE ME? I'm asking for a basic service not a new car.
Mechanic: Oh. a hundred and twenty.
Me: A hundred and twenty? you're sure a hundred and twenty? Can I have your name and id number and birthdate please?

So I brought it in and I asked suspiciously "one twenty right? thats not one hundred and twenty thousand? no extra zeroes?". They said no ma'am! And I happily went off to buy a book and six new shirts.
At two o clock- I got the call. I should have known.
Mechanic: Mush? We've looked in your car and you need a new radiator. And new brakes.
Me: what. I just got my car serviced. What are you talking about?
Mechanic asshat: your radiator is cracked, you need a new one. Oh, and new brakes.
Me: Uh huh. And how come my radiator is cracked?
Mechanic: I dunno. Let's see. The radiator by itself will cost five hundred dollars... you need to replace the brakes.. which needs to replaced in pairs which is three hundred each so that comes to ... well over one thousand dollars.

At this point of the conversation I could see these mechanics stomping on my radiator and cutting my brake lines to make themselves a little profit.
From a distant land I heard myself say: change the radiator. Leave the brakes.
And then he chuckled: Yeah, it might be better to spread the load around not so heavy on the wallet.
There. my ongoing commitment to keeping these assholes as happy as pigs in shit. I have had not much experience with lawyers but if it's anything like being ripped off by a mechanic- I would happily drive a boatload of them into the sea. Seriously, is there an honest mechanic out there??

-My hair.
When I have pics I will post them up. If it acts like Sadako, and it looks like Sadako.. then it is.. Mush?

-Carnivale Season 2.
Three years late to the party but at least I'm finally there! Decapitations! Incest! Visual proof that ferris wheels are dangerous!

Things that are not so much taking my mind off things:

-Wedding expo.
UM.. I am very happy that you are getting married. But I don't want to go?! I don't want to see you picking out the icing on your cake, trying on pretty dresses and generally swanning over adorable girly things which I will not see [personally] for a good 'nother four years?! Seriously I don't want to see happy couple future things at the moment I would rather stay at home and twiddle my thumbs. rhythmically. Ask me again in six months ok? I'd be happy to go with you in six months. Not now.

-Furniture shopping.
This too. Stop it. You're killing me.

-My phone.
I've designated an entire room to keeping my phone away from me. This way I won't have to think about possible job callbacks, eviction notices, irate supervisors and wayward boy phone calls. If it's in the same room as me there's a good chance I'll stare at it so hard that the battery starts to melt. This way I can concentrate on eating a sandwich or breathing in a normal humanly fashion. Only now that I've run of credit I have to keep it with me at all times, it's interfering with my ability to do normal things- jhdjghjfghel.

Only fabulous in certain times of the day

Night time is the hardest. At night I lie awake and I am pegged with insecurity, anger, longing. At night I visualise situations back and forward in my head, I rewind-erase, rewind-erase until I fall into a twitchy [hypnic jerk] sleep, and in my dreams I'm always arguing, continuously explaining. Even in my sleep no-one listens. At night staring at my ceiling, I wonder if I've made ripples in anybodys lives and if any of these lives would be duly effected if I was to go away, I always come to the same conclusion that life would still go on and the earth would still revolve- if I was ever brave enough to do it I would do it. I worry that my friends worry about me.

In the daytime all this goes away. In the morning I warm up and I do my thing. I tell myself that everyday is a new day. I laugh and I make phone calls. I go to work and I ask "How do I look?" and people can only shake their heads at my ego-centricities and say "ugly- real ugly today" .. Lucifer looks at me and says "You are gorgeous. You look sensational". It's a shallow ego boost but it helps, it helps me to sway my hips just that little bit more- to lift my head just that little bit higher.

By evening, I am in full swing. I am fabulous and everyone knows it. I truly truly feel fine that I will make it not just to tomorrow but to the ripe old age of eighty five. It's life! It's here for the taking!

And then night comes and as I get ready for bed- all these niggles, these worries, these rewinds and regrets come flooding back and I stare at the ceiling before I fall asleep*

*I was feeling so good this afternoon, I felt absolutely amazing. But now it's 12:58 at night and for some reason I'm not holding it together. I would blame it on the rain but I don't think that's it. Seasonal affective disorder. Maybe.