Things not to do in the car

I was driving down Epping Road, Epping Road is a giant four lane freeway which for reasons unexplained merges into one lane. So I got stuck behind a pretty old school convertible driving at speeds of 30km/h. An open top convertible driving at 30km/h. Seriously, I presume that if I ever bought a convertible you would never see me again- just the blur where the car and I used to be.

Anyway I wasn't in too big of a hurry but I was wondering why the guy was driving like a zombie on valium. I was daydreaming [you would daydream too- driving so slowly] when I saw this blonde head rise from the passenger seat and ping. The penny, it dropped.

In an open air convertible? are you people crazy? Lucky it's a one lane road and no-one else can drive by with a complete view of your wang wang. At least put the top up!

--

I mentioned this story to Campbell [the outrage! Won't someone think of the children?!] and she just laughed and said she did it all the time.
I gave her a look and said what. What for?
"Oh John and I did it in America, when we were driving. I was bored and running out of things to do in the car. It just came up."
"Omg. Talk. Play games. Something."
" I Spy was boring and John didn't want to play it"
"I'll bet if that was the other option!"

At this point another workmate who had been listening pipes up "maybe he could do it for you in return!.. I don't know how that would work though... might be a bit awkward.."

"He would sit his head on the steering wheel when you brake! And omg. Can we stop talking about this? I need to go wash my brain from all these images. I was just trying to express my outrage! "

Men- future, past, present.

[Post deleted]

Lately I have been feeling much better- I don't know if it's the hair or the repression or the cake or whatever it is- it's slowly but surely pulling me out of this quagmire. It's a quagmire.

I suddenly have this invincible unshakable belief that someone is going to come along and lift me out. This person is going to say "It's okay, Mush. Go ahead. Lean." and then I will gladly follow that person to the ends of the earth. I don't know when or where or whatever but I believe it. Betty thinks I'm crazy waiting around for a no-show prince and that I should 'date' to find him, but I think I should be able to spot the gold coin among the douchebags. I had a friend who once said to me "Why do you have to act so strong all the time? The ones who act the strongest are actually the weakest". When that person finally comes, I will have somewhere to lay my exhausted head. I will finally feel safe.

One of my indulgences and I don't have many indulgences [other than the constant gnashing of teeth on this blog] is to take ten minutes out of my day and sit on my front step, smoke a cigarette and talk to Sb in my head. I tell him about my day and I have a lopsided telepathic conversation with him. When the cigarette finishes, I pack it up and go back inside. I figure that I have to stop this before it becomes a full blown addiction.

I saw Coffee today. It gratified me to see he looked terrible. He was sporting a lank beatles bowl cut. I don't wish him any ill [seriously, none] but you know I'm no saint- I'm not complaining when people who've treated me badly have bad haircuts. It's karma! Wahaha

Gremlins and how I may be losing my mind

Something weird is going on with my house. People keep trying to enter it. Or to be more specific people are entering it and removing things. Or replacing things.

Well there are three probabilities a) there are gremlins/elves- that type of thing b) someone is actually entering my house and playing with my stuff or c) I'm losing my mind to a giant spiral vortex which manipulates my reality by making everything circular. [Thanks Junji Ito!]


Let's take a punt on A.

About a week ago, I was hungry and looking around for my can-opener to open a can of weiners but no matter how hard I hunted for it- I couldn't find it. It's a big white can opener.. it's not a particularly easy thing to lose. At some point during my search I considered that Mystic Meg might have taken it during her move home and I was about to call her up and abuse her for running off with it [what? I was hungry!]. I gave up and made myself a sandwich instead.

Yesterday I opened the drawer and there was the can opener sitting there as big as day. What. The. Fuck. It was incredibly strange but at least now I could open the weiner can.

About a month ago on my birthday, Mystic and I were discussing the weeds in my yard.
Mystic: You know it'd be a whole lot easier to weed if you had a shovel.
Me: Yes. [Gets down on my hands and knees and starts pulling out weeds]

Well today I thought I would stop being lazy and go out and weed again because Minnie kept coming back with burrs and the yard was starting to look somewhat embarrassing.

Oh, and by the way which dickhead told the world that gardening is a relaxing pursuit?? [Stupid Frances Hodgson Burnett. Probably never planted a thing in her life. *grumble]

So I went out there and I was surveying the damage when I noticed a shovel in a pot. There was a shovel. In a pot. Where the heck did this shovel come from? Um.. thanksbe Fairy Godelf? for the shovel? [Ask and ye shall receive.. gardening implements.]

I pondered it for a bit, well clearly it wasn't Mystic's- because then we wouldn't have had a discussion on how hard it was to weed with your hands. And it wasn't Sb's because he hasn't been back for donkeys years much less in my yard and anyway it wasn't there last time I was in the yard.

Erm. So gnomes? gremlins? helpful burglars? Am I going cuckoo?


*speaking of weirdness, I was on the pavement when something whizzed past my ear and started to hover around my arm. It was a bee. Odd not only because my yard has no flowers to speak of but it was about to rain as well. I looked at it and I said to it very calmly "You may like to sting me, but if you sting me- then you will die. However I know someone who hates bees who doesn't work very far away from here, and if you sting him on the nose [or if you can reach- in the crotch], you'll get infinitely more satisfaction dying like that than from me on the arm."

It hesitated and I pointed drily "That way". I blinked and it disappeared over the wall and from my yard. I didn't even know I was a bee whisperer extraordinaire. [By the way talking to bumblebees is not definite proof that I've lost it. We will discuss when we have definite proof]

Put a sign on me

I was reading this advice column from Salon [edited]:

Anyway, I am not writing to you about any of the particular issues that have arisen for me as a result of my collision with the karmic dump truck. After several months of convulsive grief I, I am starting to pick my way through the rubble. But I am really, really raw. Having always thought of myself as an emotionally intelligent person, I am shocked and disoriented by my sudden inability to predict my own reactions to daily stimuli. The other day I started crying when someone casually wished me good luck getting home in the snow. And while half of me was crying, the other half was all calm and perplexed, like, "Why are you crying?" It's not just crying at little things, it's also not crying at big things, and realizing I am walking along in a bitter fury and not being able to think of a single thing that happened to instigate it.

You are not going to die from this. But you are on the fritz.

When a machine goes on the fritz, someone puts a sign on it.

Someone should put a sign on you.

It would say, "I am on the fritz. Please do not bang on me or unplug me or tip me back and forth."

You will be OK. But you are not OK right now. You have never encountered such a powerful mess before. Everything has not gone haywire like this before.

After a certain age we have it mostly wired. We have a basic understanding; we know mostly what people's motives are and how they can be expected to act. We have a repertoire of getting-over-it behaviors and thinking-it-through behaviors and self-care behaviors and refresh-the-soul-and-body behaviors.

But then comes the tsunami. You don't expect it or know how to deal with it.

I get the feeling that you are not used to being on the fritz. I get the feeling you are very good at maintaining. So I suggest you first let go of the expectation that one particular solution is going to work right away. Try instead accepting the possibility that nothing is going to work right away.

Nothing is going to fix it. You're going to be on the fritz for a while.

Sinking sand

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side

Maybe I oughta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
The trick ain't worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And love's a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is

-The Other Side- David Gray.

***

And with that, I'm taking a hiatus from blogging for a few weeks. See you on the other side.

Tired

"I know something is broken and I'm trying to fix it, trying to repair it any way I can."- X&Y

I'm exhausted. Endless tears.

Following her where she went

About five years ago, my Dad had an affair on my stepmum and I was sitting with her in the dark waiting for him to come home.

I was really worried but I just kept quiet- she zonked out and stared into space- we sat like this for a good ten minutes when she suddenly came out of her coma, stood up and said very clearly "I'm going to kill her"

And I panicked and grabbed for her arm [because I was pretty sure that that wasn't some idle threat].. in the midst of my panicky fog I distinctly recall wondering where she had been for those ten minutes to lead her to that conclusion.

Bear in mind that my stepmother and I have nothing in common.

I came home tonight, got into a hot shower and proceeded to space out. Then the thoughts came, angry violent thoughts which reduced me to a shivering crouch. I think if I ever see that girl there's no way I won't cause her any grievious bodily harm- God help her if I'm holding a glass bottle.

I didn't even realise the shower got cold. And I knew where my stepmum had been in those ten minutes. Dark dark spaces.

Material Girl

I feel like shit - so I thought I'd drown my sorrows in material possessions . The Swarovski is from Campbell for my birthday.. and the Hello Kitty MAC is from myself. I always thought that orange lip gloss would make me happier.




---

Oh, and not to forget other things that make me happy. I may as well mention that John Farnham/Coldplay collaboration of "You're the Voice" made me weak at the knees with giddiness. It is cheering me right up. Sing it people!

So cool

So I bought a can of soft drink as I was leaving work- and I opened it not thinking about my drive home with my dodgy cup holder.

The thing with my cup holder is that it doesn't hold.. Things including my mascot Yoshi frequently fall out of it so I'm pretty careful to never buy lidless soft drinks.

Damn.

Well too late now.

A couple of years ago, I watched the beginning of this movie called Initial D. It's full of pretty boys and fast cars- and the first scene involved this guy driving his van around mountain bends while balancing an open tofu soup container thing. If he didn't end up spilling a drop- then therefore he was an excellent driver.

Well why couldn't I approach this in the same mentality? The worst that could happen would that I would be covered in orange soda .. and there are I suppose worse things in life right?

And I wasn't going to chuck the can out after a sip so..

I started off slowly, checking on the can worriedly every few minutes or so. And then I went faster. And faster... change lanes, over-take, change lanes.

And then I was hitting speeds of 130 km/h!

The can hadn't even moved.

I zoomed my way home with superb speed and dexterity [If I may say so myself!]

and I hadn't spilled a single drop.

I am the Initial D of Sydney! Waha!

You have no idea how cool I feel. If I was any cooler, they'd have to give me some sort of award for it.

Something he said

Campbell said to me yesterday "you remember too many things"

This is probably true. But it's never a happy medium. I only remember the most ridiculous trivial things [like PT Barnum once glued a monkey and a fish together to make a mermaid.. seriously I would never use that information. Ever.] or I can remember blocks and blocks of really serious conversation which always ends up making people uncomfortable when I recall it back later.

But to balance it out God has a laugh and has given me almost no short term memory at all [Who the heck is this coffee going to? Why am I holding a coffee?! Oh yeah, I'm a waitress. Oops]

So anyway I've been in an extremely philosophical mood today- I've relinquished control and everything just is. It is what it is what it is.

Today I am thinking about Lighto [where are you buddy?] and remembering something he said to me over a year ago. It went something like this.

M: Ahem. Hey, I have something to ask you and you know humour me because I'm an extremely insecure person and whatnot.

L: [Thinking I'm going to ask him for a kidney.. starts to get a look on his face] What?

M: Look, I know that we're good friends and I'm kind of in a time of need right now and I realise that I'm leaning on you quite heavily... Is that ok with you? I can understand if you're uncomfortable and don't want to say anything.

L: [Relieved] Oh. Is that it? .. It's fine. If I was really uncomfortable with it then I would tell you.

"We're good friends right? At the moment we are good friends, we may not be in the future. But it's ok. Because I'm happy to dedicate whatever time you need to you right now. This whole thing is like fate, you see? We're fated to be friends for a specified amount of time [it could be short or long] and then at the end of it, you move on or life moves you on but it doesn't take anything away from the here and now. So relax. Go ahead and lean on me- I really am ok with it. [He leans over and pats me on the head] by the way, you really are nuts*."

You can't really help but love someone a little more after a speech like that. Even afterwards when I saw him infrequently and he had been reduced to a catatonic zombie type from working two jobs to supply his girlfriend with Louis Vuitton bags, I never resented him because I always applied what he said to what we had. A friendship which had eventually run its natural course. Ships eventually pass each other in the night.

And so I am no longer as sad I was yesterday and a little less sadder than I was the day before and so forth so forth. I've let go. All things in their own ways come eventually to their ends. I had to learn this the hardest way.

Coldplay Ban

Dear Chris,

You know that I still want to have your babies and live with you on a tropical island with a soundstage so you can sing to me everyday.

Mush

--

So Coldplay is in Australia- and I gave away my tickets. Thats right! I gaaaaave away my tickets so right now I am in some sort of pain. I am foetal- it's amazing that I can unfold myself to type this at all. And I thought to reduce the constant angst of hearing Nova [please shut up Nova for the love of God] broadcasting that they are sponsoring their tour 24/7- I would just have a Coldplay ban for this week.

Y'know- it sounds easy. Don't play the radio this week. Don't turn on the tv to anything even slightly commercial [Thanks Tv Gods for having fifteen thousand interviews with them this weeek which I had to avoid- much appreciated] , Don't put your ipod on shuffle [just listen to playlists] and bam! the week should be over and I can crawl out of my closet and not think about their PLANE DEPARTING FOR THE NEXT COUNTRY.

Well it sounded easy enough.

It's much harder than it looks. They play the radio in my bar at work and I had to 'run away' everytime a Coldplay song came on [ie. stand outside and whistle at the ceiling like an idiot] so I would just wait for my drinks and then the first chords of Life in Technicolor would play and I would wail/gnash my teeth outside, count to two hundred then sidle back in. Of course, always just in time for the Dj to gush "aren't they awesome?! They are playing TONIGHT! TONIGHT! Did I not mention they are playing TONIGHT?!" Huh.

And then at some point they played "Vida la vida" and my bartender apparently loves that song so he decided to play it full blast so I had to walk even further away to get away from it and I counted to two hundred and I walked back in and it was still going.

One, two.. two hundred..

Still going.

One, two.. two hundred.

Still going- How the heck long is this song??? Winamp says 4 minutes and 4 seconds but I don't believe them.

I was in serious pain. That was a long shift. I went home and tried to soothe my nerves with some Josh Pyke. Yeah, no. That didn't work

(Digression: The problem with Josh Pyke is sometimes he's an awesome lyricist and sometimes to put it nicely.. he really really sucks and also he sounds the same on the badly written songs and maybe he should try some new chords? See.. I think Josh is a bit twee so he should make good sleeping music and I'll be listening when all of sudden a bad lyric will come on and jolt me out of midway slumber so I have to wake up and yell "What the hell are you saying?!" at my speakers.

For example "I don't want to let you down, so I'm going to buy you a house and a dog and I'll try to stick around". Thanks Josh- you know, for trying to stick around and lumping me with a dog and a mortgage. I will try not to brain you with a frying pan when I see you.

The unexpected anger doesn't make for such good sleeping music.)

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh Coldplay ban, right. Difficult. Much much more difficult than I thought it would be. So right now until.. I think Saturday- I'm on a media blackout- no tv- no radio- just RnB playlists [I'm rocking the hell out of 'Thats the way love goes' by Janet] and definitely no facebook photos. Dear God, please have mercy on my soul and have none of my 139 friends post any pictures since they are all collectively apparently going, or at least make me strong enough so that I can ignore facebook for... two months or something.

And you know, I only have one more day of work where I have to stand outside like an idiot- so hopefully the bartender will feel like some operatic arias instead? fingers crossed.

Then on Sunday I can uncurl myself from this position, look up to the sky and yell "I missed it! so what? So what?! I made it!"

[It's 6:19 now- they will mount the stage at 8. Sigh. They will probably start with Life in Technicolor actually. Crapcrapcrapcrap. I will turn off the computer clock so I don't torture myself all night. Sunday night seems like a long way to go]

I'm clean! I'm clean!

A little while ago [not sure of the date] Mystic Meg came into my room and said "You know I thought you would be different"

And I said "?different? different in what way?"

"Well... I thought you would be more princessy than you are"

".... I'm not princessy at all [but now I think I will be a princess and tell you to bite me!]"

"No, no, no not princessy as in up yourself, but princessy as in take care of yourself better."

"Oh. I think I look after myself fine"

"Yeah you eat alright.. but you need to look after yourself better"

"Um..? are we talking face creams? because I really don't think I should spend more money on that I have like boxes and boxes of whiteners."

"No, I mean like.. look at your room! It could be better"

"I'm renting- I can't paint my walls purple. "

"Nonono, how can you bring a guy over for this?"

".... I'm not bringing anybody into my room.. wait. ARE YOU CALLING ME MESSY?!"

"NO. I'm not making myself very clear am I? You're not messy- you're just not organised"

"... I know where everything is. What are you talking about?"

"I'm just saying you have to look after yourself better- you have great taste- you just have to go that extra mile!"

"I still have a feeling you're calling me messy"

"I'm not. Just throw out everything and start anew. You can have any guy that you want if you tried you know"

"Ok, forget it- I have no idea what you're talking about"

---------

And with this ridiculous conversation even though I have a 37 degree fever and am delirious and talking to walls- I am sitting here on a Monday night cleaning my room. Seriously. My room doesn't even need fricking cleaning.

Delirious with the flu

Lately I've just been incredibly sick with the flu and just unable to function so it was a miracle that I dragged my ass to work this morning.

So I was walking through across the floor when all of a sudden my vision dimmed and I thought "Holy Shit! I'm dying! I'm going to have to try and move towards the light!"

Of course then I realised it was the room and not me, and I felt very foolish. I was relieved to not be dead but I still felt pretty darn sick and not at all that happy to be at work.

Big stupid rock and big stupid weddings

The other day my housemate Mystic Meg came home with a suspicious looking little box for me. She said "Here."
I looked at it and said "Um... should I be worried?"
She laughed and when I opened it, there was a big ol' fake wedding ring in there with an overly large cubic zirconia in the middle [I may be optimistic- it could be plastic]
I looked at it "So I'm finally being proposed to huh?.. What am I supposed to do with this thing??"
She started to laugh and walked out the door "Just make sure the next guy who proposes to you- gives you something bigger than that!
"No seriously, what am I supposed to do with this??"

***

A few months ago, someone I knew was getting married and said to me "Huh, I always thought you were going to get married before me. Shouldn't you have been married like four years ago?"

Me: ..[pissed off silence]..

***

So all of a sudden all these people [about three or four] that I know have suddenly gotten married to their boyfriends of six months. And I'm thinking 'What the hell just happened? Did I suddenly miss a rush on weddings? Is there a two for one on wedding gowns that I don't know about?!Is the apocalypse coming?!!" Not bitter at all. I know.

Ok the noble part of me says "These are my friends/acquaintances! They have found happiness, everlasting devotion and true love!" and the less noble, more petty side of me thinks "There's no way. A year of knowing somebody .. man, I've known people for years and found out that I didn't really know them at all. I doubt, I doubt, I doubt." And then the noble side says "Shut up and stop voicing things out loud."

I mentioned this to Betty the other day about this recent explosion of marriages and she immediately understood by saying what I was thinking- "I don't understand what happened- we were supposed to be first." And then we both looked sad and had to change the topic to hot firemen.

***

Campbell asked me to go to Tiffany's with her today.
"What for?"
"Oh John wanted to know the size of my ring finger"
"Sure chicks, whenever you want"
"I'm going to get married in the botanical gardens.. ! and I can't decide where to hold the reception..."
Sigh. I guess I'm not getting away from the wedding talk.

Blank messages

So my friend and I have this very complicated relationship. He's one of those friends that turn up in and out of your life at the most inopportune times.

So you know you'll have dinner and hang out

and then you'll argue about nothing

and then not see each other for a month

then you'll see each other at work

then hang out.

then argue.

Repeat ad nauseum until finally one of us is bound to go "What the Fuck? This is not healthy! Get out!"

Yeah, ok. So I haven't seen him for four months and now all of a sudden out of nowhere comes two blank messages. That's right, two blank messages. You'd think it'd at least have a dot or something. I'd be happy with a misplaced exclamation mark. A smiley???

So while I'm breaking so many cycles lately- I'm going to break this one too. I am not going to respond and I am going to get my ass out of that casino as soon as I possibly can [barring recession, of course].

I probably would've responded if there had been a smiley. Too bad for him.

Chocolate noodles

Campbell: Have you tasted something called a Spider? So.. yum

Me: A spider? you mean the coke and ice cream thing?

C: No, its chocolate and peanut butter mixed on top of noodles.

M: *Gags.. Noodles? What kind of noodles?

C: Dried noodles, like two minute noodles.

M: Erk. What. Is this another one of those things that western people think that Chinese people actually eat but don't. Like spring rolls.

C: No, silly- it's a party treat!

M: I never want to go to one of your parties!

C: Its not wet noodles like you're thinking, it's dried noodles. Should I make you some?

M: NO! Are you crazy? Chocolate on noodles... *gag

C: But its yum! You melt the chocolate on top in the microwave

M: ....

C: Try it!

M: I never make you eat chickens feet, don't try to make me eat chocolate noodles.

C: That's totally different.

M: No it's not. Ken! Campbell is trying to make me eat chocolate on noodles.

K: Wth? You crazy westerners. You don't put sweets on noodles!

Neverending story meme

.. Well I laughed! [Shut up. It's funny]

Solitude/There's just no way

Solitude.

It's a Saturday night and I'm sitting here blogging. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm learning to enjoy my own company. I think this is a far leap from last year where I would've tripped over my own grandmother to go out dancing and get drunk. I just don't feel the need to get out there and do that anymore. Of course the difference is liability and choice. I now choose to stay home and this decision has nothing to do with anyone else. See? I'm getting my shit together. It's a nice feeling.

----------

There's just no way.

So I had coffee with a senior co-worker about a month back. He was clearly more impressed with me than I was with him. Don't get me wrong- he was a nice guy and we made small talk that didn't make me want to drive off a cliff [which I wager is not the most difficult thing to do]. But as I was talking to him I got some really odd vibes and a couple of paragraphs in- I put my finger on what was bothering me. He had the biggest case of yellow fever I had ever seen.

.	yellow fever
	1. A term usually applied to white males who have a clear sexual preference for women of asian descent, although it can also be used in reference to white females who prefer asian men.

All his friends were Asian. His best friend was Shanghainese. His favourite food was Japanese. He had just come back from Beijing and was about to head off back to Hong Kong or something.

So maybe I was being too judgmental, so I decided to talk to it with my friend who knew him a little better than I did- being his direct underling.
Me: "Hey dude, this guy.... is he a bit... fond of the geisha?"
Friend: "HAHAHA. Totally. He loves his Asian women. If he sees a pretty one- it's like a direct target."

Erk.

Well, if I wasn't turned off before, I was giving him a wide berth now. The smses kept coming and I kept putting them off for another day, hoping he'd eventually just get it and never ask me for anything ever again. I'm busy. I'm going to the dentist. I'm working. I have to get a new bumper [I really did actually- that wasn't a lie]

So anyway I was in the workroom cafeteria and my friend Coffeebrother was giving me massage [and he does good massage] when theguywiththefever walks past and gives me daggers. Well they looked like daggers! Whatever, I'm getting back to the massage.

About an hour later, I'm walking through the casino when he stops me and says "I was going to sit with you at lunch, but you 'looked busy' *finger quotes".
At this point my eyebrows just about lifted off my head. What.
He continues "New man huh? new boyfriend?"
I look at him like the weirdo that he is and say "He's my co-worker"
You can then see his whole body relax and he smiles "Thats good, I have some stories to tell you later"
Whoaaaaaa, buddy. I went for one coffee with you- possessive much?!

It irritated me but I didn't think about it too much. Until I bumped into him in the cafeteria again and he said [in this most condescending voice] "So do you want to sit with me or do you want to go and sit with your little buddies?"
At that point I should've dumped my tray over his head and no-one would have blamed me. Little buddies indeed. I walk off to get some food and he comes and says to me more meekly "Want to hang out?" [It still wasn't as fricking apologetic as I would have liked]

Whatever right? His break only goes for ten minutes- I will only have to talk to him for ten minutes. So he's talking and I'm still seething on the little buddies comment, looking desperately for these little buddies to come rescue me. Huh, they're turning around and snickering- I don't think they're going to come get me. So I'm pulling Bambi eyes at them and picking morosely at the food.
"You're not eating"
"Yeah this tastes terrible [and also you're putting me off my food]"
More small talk.
"You seem distracted today"
"Oh really? [it may be me trying to mentally teleport myself across the room]"
"Well I gotta go.."
"Really?... "
"By-..." He was cut off midway by me flinging myself bodily first across the cafeteria in a nice imitation of a suicidal possum

Blah. Hope he finally got the message. And also hope he finds someone he can talk condescendingly to who doesn't mind. I definitely mind.

--

I was whining about these episodes to my friend Campbell and she cut me off and said "yellow fever? what the heck is yellow fever?"
Me: Someone wanting to date me because I'm yellow
Campbell: You're not yellow!
Me: I am a little bit!
Campbell: Thats a terrible thing to say.. you're more olive.
Me:........................................... Can we get back to the original point please?

Somewhere to make us happy

So Minnie and I are looking for a new suburb to live in- and we thought we'd take a walk around Cremorne

and after walking around for a bit, I think we both thought.. how can anyone not want to live here??

That view is just never overrated. Sun went behind a cloud for a second as I was taking this.

I own the cutest dog in the world. I defy you to disagree with me.

Pretty right? Its all dappled and shadowy. The right amount of summery and spooky.

And when you walk just a bit further there are benches where you can sit down and read. . if I lived here, I'd be on that bench sixteen out of twenty four hours a day [the other eight would be for sleeping and showering]

Sigh, how can you be unhappy living somewhere like that? [Okok I understand that material possessions count for nothing and there are people right now living in those apartments who are being subject to the same nitpicks and worries that us ordinary podunks do and having a nice flat doesn't necessarily make them happier than the rest of us .... annnnd.. I don't care. I want to live in that apartment.]

Yes I do. There's a grandma in the background watching me mopey camwhore. She probably wants me to turn off the flash.

Lets discuss this like adults. Me to you. Human to dog

No, I really value your opinion!

Okay! Looks like we've decided where we're going! Cremorne here we come!

Cupcakes make me happy

I just got this today in the mail for my birthday. It makes me happy.

That book just blew my mind!

As my housemate Mystic Meg was leaving, she dropped me off "He's just not that into you" with the strict instructions to read it. Read it. Read it.

Meh, I looked at the cover and I thought what the hell right? I'll just skim through it and then go back to reading something more.. substantial.

That book took my brain and exploded it into tiny tiny pieces [in a good way]

Look, I'm no mensa genius but I'm hardly Forrest Gump either but it took concrete black and white text to drive the message right home.

If the guy doesn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy makes excuses about why he didn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy doesn't want to hang out with you- [etc etc]

If the guy makes excuses not to hang out with you [etc!]

Here is the bottom line: Guys are not that complicated- if they really want to call you/text you/hang out with you- they will make the time and the effort to do so. If they don't want to do any of those things, they won't- you're the fool for waiting around and excusing it and he's the asshole.

Yesterday I begged someone to stay with me [hooray for dignity!], I was barefoot and in tears and yet he still drove off. And as I dragged my bedraggled ass home, I wondered how I got myself into that situation. What happened to my feminist instincts and why was I in that situation?

Today, now that I've read the book- I realise that all the aborted phone calls, the refusal to stay, the unreplied smses all lead to one basic conclusion [deep breath]: Ta-dah! He's just not that into you!

Apparently I needed it to be spelt out to me like a first grader. At least, it was spelt out.

And I feel much much lighter- much much happier and much readier to get on with my life.

I never thought I'd say this but girls, please go run out and get this book

Standing up

Kowakunai keredo
[I am not afraid]

You don't have to accept everything that happens.

Emotionally Done

So for those of you who read this blog [or talk to me. ever] will know that I haven't had the best week for my entire life. Well ok some of it was good in bits [Thanks Banana!] and some of it was ultra sonically crappy [Thanks Sb. Bang up job there].

Well the negative this week overrode the positive, so here I am on a Saturday night feeling like I've been dragged backwards through a hedge. Absolutely. exhausted.

So here we are, the ultimate party girl has two choices. She can a) join her friends in the city for a 3d horror movie then afterwards go crazy on a dancefloor or b) join her other friend at SoCo cargo [www.Sococargo.com.au] and flail the night away in a giant shipping container.

Annnnnd... there is a third choice, take my tired aching brain under the duvet and stay there til morning.

Fortunately for my friends, I am going to take the third option. I can honestly think of nothing worse than to top it off with ruining their night. Hibernation seems like the best thing to do.

While I've been sitting here, I:

1) switched on my Xmas present dvd and realised the entire series was in a foreign language. Thus rendering me unable to lie there unmovable watching glamorous people backstab each other for forty eight hours. Fuck. Well I could but theres a good chance I'm not going to know what the holy frick is going on.

2) heard an ice cream truck drive by my house about ten times. Back and forward. Back and forward. At first.. it was cute and made me want ice cream. The other nine times... dude, it's raining. I'm on a suburban street covered in townhouses. Who's going to let their kids out to buy sweets?? Give it up, I'm begging you.


Ok. Going to bed. Hope next week is better.

The Resilience of Stars

So yesterday I mentioned how I [by reason of not very temporary insanity] threw my mementos into a fire. This included an entire jar of origami stars.

Now to me, origami stars are very sentimental and when I'm folding them I only think of good thoughts and best wishes towards the person I'm giving to. They are miniature dollops of love in a jar and to fill up a jar .. well it means I love you very much.

So when I threw these stars into the frying pan [pot], I had to sit down and stop for a bit because it was making me so overwhelmingly sad*. And logically my brain was saying that it was ridiculous to feel sad about folded paper when other people in the world are having their eyeballs scooped out, but it all just felt like a giant waste.

Anyway so I dumped the ashes and filled the pot with water and left it in the sink overnight.

When I came back this afternoon not looking forward to an hour of scrubbing [the drawbacks of home bonfires] I poured the water out and a few surviving stars swam into my sink. I ignored them thinking they were going to slide down the drain. Fifteen minutes later, they were still sitting in my sink despite the constant strain of tap water pushing them to wherever leftover food goes to die.

That was enough, I scooped them up.

I don't know if it's the paper or my kick ass origami skills [or even love! keeping them alive!] but these seven stars have survived a fire, an all night soaking and then my kitchen sick. And they are all intact, singed- slightly soggy but intact.

I know sometimes I often give excess meaning to inanimate objects.. admittedly I anthromorphisise everything.. but I am taking this as some sort of sign. To not give up. To take whatever life throws at you and come out the other end slightly burnt but ok.
I will give these stars to someone I love and explain to them why these particular stars mean so much to me and hope that they understand [everything not just the arson bit]. Right now, they're sitting in a bowl next to my monitor drying out.

*Ironically, if I had cried tears it would probably have put out the fire thus saving the stars much pain

All Gone

I stood there today and over a flame I burned photos, letters, mementos. Dizzy with rage, I watched all the empty promises and lies disintegrate into puffs of smoke. In the end, all I was left with was a pot full of ashes.

History wiped clean.

8:19

Ok, not so clean. Who the fuck knew there I had so many fricking photoes lying around?? Everytime I turn around theres another one on a wall or under a table. I can't very well start a fire everytime I see one right? And throwing it in the garbage doesn't really have the same effect. So at the moment my house is full of overturned and empty frames. Have you ever seen a charred origami star before? Its the saddest sight when you pick one up and it crumbles in your hands.

Sad summer days

I haven't seen DarkAngel for over a year since he broke up with Mexicana, but I had to go to his place to pick up his guitar for my party.

So I turned up and he still looked the same, I tentatively asked him how he had been and he said that he hadn't been having a very good year.

So we would stood on his porch and talked and I was surprised by this sudden sense of loss.

The four of us Mexicana, DarkAngel, SB and I would never go back to those days- bright summer days of so many possibilities. We no longer have the comfort of those dinners and that company. Each of us having gone our own separate ways. The loss of that kind of easiness.

I remember the petty fights and the irritations, angry partners stalking off and stony silences, the inability of any of us to pick some place to eat. But after all that, there was the laughter- the laughter was almost at a constant level and when it stopped we made our own, we told jokes, we danced in the street, we amused ourselves any way we could.


And so I felt a little more than a twinge as I left, it was an extremely pretty day and I couldn't think of anyone I really wanted to share it with. I called SB but he didn't pick up.
"You're crazy Mush" and I slapped myself upside the head.

"Crazy notions of past happinesses are interfering with your ability to drive! So you have to sack up and wipe your eyes because you're swerving! Crossing! the! line! Eeeeek!"

I was happy to get home and just be miserable on my couch without endangering any pedestrian lives. It really was a pretty day.

25 Random Things

1. I can't draw straight lines which is why I almost failed technical drawing in high school [almost!]

2. I like wearing really bright colours, so on a day when you catch me wearing black- it's a really good idea to steer clear.

3. I like driving people home.

4. I can't click my fingers and make a clicking noise. It makes a dull whoosh sound instead. I must have flat fingers because it makes people laugh when I try.

5. I want to drive across Russia. I haven't found anybody to support the idea yet because they're too busy worrying I'll be kidnapped by [Russian] bandits. Or eaten by wolves.

6. I think four years of catholic school actually did me some good ethically.

7. I have a really good head for useless trivia- I think I would be good on the show "The Rich List"

8. The first time I ever snuck into a pub was when I was seventeen. It was the Orient at the Rocks- I've never been back inside since.

9. If I had Paris Hilton's money, I would also probably buy close to the same amount of clothing. I would not however buy seven chiuhuahuas.

10. I had a nose piercing and have a tattoo because people told me not to. I would probably jump off a cliff if you told me not to.

11. My supervisor once said I act like a robot. It didn't make me serve customers any less robotically.

12. I breathe a sigh of relief when my friends tell me they read they read this blog .. which leads to..

13. I think my blog should be more famous than it is [ha!]

14. I can recite the dialogue between Jack and Rose of the Titanic right before he floats off and dies

15. I am scared of hairballs, cockroaches and the dark.

16. I think my dog is a feminist because I am a feminist.

17. I think that there is more to deja vu than just a brain spasm.

18. One of my goals was to sit on the Wheel of Fortune wheel and spin around. In my heart of hearts I don't ever think it will ever really happen.

19. On my break at work, I like to go to the harbour and stare at the fishes and jellyfish. You will often find me with my shoes off on the edge of the wharf.. which leads to..

20. I often worry about dropping my shoes in the water and having to explain to my supervisor why I have no shoes

21. If I correct your grammar it's only because I care!

22. I never ate pork buns again after watching that movie on the killer who turned people into buns and sold them in his restaurant. I was eleven. It was my fault for watching it when I knew I wasn't supposed to.

23. My new favourite song is Paper Planes by MIA. I turn it up really loudly in the car and it was always freaks out whoevers driving next to me [especially old people!]

24. Cucumber soju always makes me really drunk and always has disastrous consequences.

25. This list was already produced on facebook. I'm sorry if you're doing a re-read. I will post some pictures of my birthday tomorrow.

Tokyo Ninjas

On a discussion of lost Tokyo Disney Souvenirs

Mush: You have a hat like that already, its a mickey mouse hat

Mexicana: oh yea, I don't know where it went

Mush: I don't know where my gloves went either. I presume that Tokyo Disney has like ninjas that go into customers houses that take back the souvenirs to Tokyo Disney and resell them

Mexicana: Totally plausible

Mush: [to Sb] what do you think?

SB: I don't think so

Mush: It's Japan, they have ninjas. [pause] Yakuza ninjas.

SB: [Rolls his eyes. Hard]

Mush: You can't explain where the souvenirs went!

Sarsparilla Memories

I was with MD today [who by the way loves this blog, so I can rest on my laurels now] and we made our way to a Vietnamese restaurant which had... sarsparilla! on its menu. For my American readers, you guys have root beer everyday so it's not a big thing for you [so says my encyclopaedic Dennis the Menace knowledge] but I haven't had sarsparilla since I was a little kid and so it was a big thing for me and I was counting down the minutes til I popped open the can and could ruminate nostalgically on how good the beverages of my childhood were.
[I know I'm talking like I'm about to open my coffin and lay down. Shut up.]

Well firstly the can was warm which I guess is standard fare in an Asian restaurant [something about Asians having sensitive gums] and it was much flatter than I remembered. I don't know if it was the particular brand but it didn't have the tang of my childhood memories and it was distinctly more licorice-y.

I knew however that if I had ordered coke then I would have thought longingly about drinking sarsparilla all night and I would be writing now about my regret of not drinking that beverage. So in a way it was fate, the sarsparilla can and I were destined to meet in this way.

If you ask me .. how is that fate, you crazy nutso? Well what were the chances of that one can ending up in my paw and tainting my memories with licorice aftertaste I tell you??

So thanks Ace Sarsi for killing off one of my fond childhood memories! and putting me one step closer to just drinking sugarfree energy drinks 24/7 [No, diet coke doesn't count]

..

Of course I realise that if that is really what sarsparilla tastes like, then I'm pretty sure I figured why it died in popularity in Australia. Yerk.

How Rice Balls ruined my New Year

So yesterday was Chinese New Year and you're supposed to spend the entire day thinking good thoughts. I don't think I've ever had so many bad thoughts in my entire life.

Most of them directed towards family and glutinous objects.

We had had a big family dinner the night before so New Year was supposed to be a bit more low key. I guess we could be mean, and say that it was beyond low key and had entered the zone of no key. My Aunty cooked three dishes, it was a bowl of prawns [I think there was about fifteen in there], a plate of bok choy and a fish. We're talking about for six people here, so my cousins and I hadn't even started eating when they decided to throw a lasagne in the oven for good measure.

I'm staring at my bowl of rice [please sir, can I have some more? More?!] when my mum asks me why I'm not eating.. I look at her like she's crazy and say [a touch bitterly] "I'm allergic.. to prawns" which left just the vegetables and my rice as the fish hadn't come out.

Please tell me how I reached twenty five and my mum hasn't realised I'm allergic to prawns?? How am I not dead yet??

So I'm hanging out on the couch, waiting to go home because I'm due to meet Sb to watch 'Slumdog Millionaire' and also I'm hungry. Hungry! I want to go and get some sushi or something. [which oddly also consists of rice, fish and vegetables... ]

And my mum comes out with "We're not going home yet because she's making rice balls [tong yuen]"

"Oh." So I very politely wait another hour [and by this time my phone has run out of battery and I think it would be better for Sb to pick me up there instead so we don't miss the session] when those tong yuen are finally finished. And I'm flicking through an old Sweet Valley [!] book, when my mum asks me if I want any.

... deep breath.. I hate glutinous food. Anybody who even remotely knows me knows that anything sticky- mochi- rice cakes- rice balls- red bean paste- floury squishy stuff makes me want to gag. That stuff just closes around my throat and won't go down. I LOATHE it and everyone in a fifty mile radius knows it. Except for some reason my mum.

So with as much patience as I can muster, I say "I hate tong yuen" [Sorry, I still think it's nicer than "I fucking hate tong yuen, and if you pass it to me I will take one bite and then puke it on the couch and how come you don't know this?!"]

She looks at me concernedly, and then I get this sharp epiphany that my mum and I are only connected by blood and nothing else. We don't know each other at all. The moment passes and she says mildly "oh, that was the only reason we were staying, I don't like tong yuen that much either"

And then my stepdad goes "errr.. why are we still here then?"

My mum makes her excuses to leave by saying she has to go feed Minnie. "Ai.. that poor dog hasn't had any dinner yet"

And then my aunty says something along the lines of "Don't ever get another dog, why are you the one stuck taking care of it?"

And there are my hackles- they are up and they are not going down.

She then turns to me and says something admonishing, in all honesty I cannot for the life of me remember what it was, something about being irresponsible. and dogs. Or Sb. Something.

so I look at her and say "gum dim leh?" [translation: "ok... and?" or "ok... point?"]

I say goodbye to my mum and I'm putting my shoes on out on the porch [and by the way it's pissing down rain] when my mum comes back and says to me "did your aunty give you your red packet?" and I say "No, its ok.. save it for next time"

And my mum goes in to ask her for it and I hear "I don't want to give it to her!" and my mum comes out and I'm still struggling to get my shoes on, my cousin J is standing in the doorway while I wait and then I hear "Close the door!" and my cousin J is "Mish is standing in the rain waiting for Sb"
"Don't push your luck!" and then the door slams.

Oh, I've finally managed to jam my feet into my converses at this point. And then my mum starts in on me. "Why did you have to ask her what her point is?? She's older than you! Aren't you coming home with me?? Why do you have to get Sb to pick you up??" and she begins to nag until I can feel an internal haemorrage coming on.

"Alright! alright! fuck! I will get in your car and I will tell him to pick me up at home!"

"Why do you have to get him to pick you up in the first place??"

My eyes then begin to slowly do spirals.

Just at that moment, Sb pulls up and I throw myself out of the car- rocket launcher style [ever seen a rocket-launcher come out of a car?]

And I know that I'm in no mood for a movie- uplifting or otherwise and I ask him to take me home. I'm quiet in the car but I can feel those hackles are not going to go down anytime soon.

When we get to my place, I ask him if he wants to come in- Mush vs Mum- first fight of the New Year. He politely declines [that's right, you no longer have an obligation to watch my dysfunctional family do dysfunctional things. Run, you stupid boy, run!]

And then we get down to it inside.

Mum: you were rude to her! She's elder than you!

Mush: They were three words! and not even rude words -She's lucky I didn't tell her to fuck off!

Mum: She's your aunty!

Mush: It's none of her business!

Stepdad: Stop fighting.. [realises it's not going to happen, then exits taking the dog with him]

Mum: And anyway, how can you be so cruel to Sb by getting him to drive you home like that?!

Mush: WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO SOMEWHERE

Mum: Oh. Well, how would I know that?

Mush: Do you really think that I'm that cruel? That I would get him to come all the way from the fricking countryside to drive me home for five minutes?

Mum: Actually I think you would, you're very good at it.

And then the conversation halted and I just stared at her and there was that feeling again. That she doesn't know me at all, that we're two people who happen to be connected by blood but nothing else.

Mush: Get out

And then she left.

----

Sorry, this is kind of a long post isn't it? It was a night bore out of misunderstandings and more misunderstandings and incredibly pointless fighting. But it really helped me to gain some insight into the relationships with my family which I don't think I previously had. Look, I've always said that I put my friends before my family- this is because I have never felt able to count on my family in my times of need. They are not there, and they are not who I talk to. And I don't know if it's a generational thing or a cultural thing but out of their well intentioned advice always comes a metaphorical storm.

I was discussing politics with my uncle one time and when I moved away she asked me what we were talking about. I replied politics and she laughed "as if you would talk about things like that" and that stung. It was like a slap. I'm constantly surprised by not even how little she knows me but how little she thinks of me.

And as for my aunty, family always lets family stand out in the rain you know?

On the verge of something wonderful

So 2008 wasn't the best year ever in terms of career and relationships. Ok, fine. It fricking stalled and lay down and died in the middle of the road.

But this year, I'm feeling quietly more hopeful. I have a feeling that this year will be a better year and I'll figure myself out and everything will be fine.

And even if it doesn't .. I know that I'll be ok- I'm scrappy and I'll make it through.

[Ha, I bet you missed those ridiculously melancholy posts.. it's been a few months]

Sunny Days

It was a picture perfect day for a picnic. [Alliteration!]



Good friends, sunshine and bubbles.

Happy Birthday Coconat! I hope you had a great day.

My short lived career as a book-seller

The holidays are over and I am broke. b-r-o-k-e. or for the educationally challenged b-r-o-c-k.

Ever since I started living with my mum when I was thirteen, I've had a thing for collecting books. Of course, now that I'm [ahem] twenty three, my tastes are a little different and I have a huge pile of books which I wish to disassociate myself with. And what better way to do this by selling them to a second-hand dealer?!

I had ka-ching signs in my eyes thinking that the dealer would give me [a minimum!] of five dollars a book and I would go home and throw the money on my bed ala Scrooge McDuck and roll around in it.

Huh, I dream too much I think.

So I went with Meowmeow to the dealer and she shuffled through my pile of books- She looked at the Davinci Code and said "I have too many copies of this already" [Ok that is kind of funny] and she sniffed at the Grisham and said "also too many"

She looked at The Devil's Advocate and said "We don't take motion picture books" [Why is that? I asked Meowmeow. 'Cos people can watch the movie instead'. Oh.]

A Grown Up Girls Guide to Life? "While Kathy Lette might recommend it- I'm not taking it" The dealer is getting a bit spicy by this time.

In the end, she took the Diary of Anne Frank [which how come she doesn't have too many of?! Is it a guilt thing?!], Citizen Girl [[a really really crap book which was thirty dollars four years ago],
Some Anne Rice novel [How embarrassing] and something cheap by Robert Hough.

The dealer reached into the drawer and gave me two dollars. Two dollars.

Wow. Thats less than a can of soft drink. I think I must've had goldfish face for ten minutes after that.

Bah. At least I got rid of that crappy Citizen Girl book- Good luck her offloading that.

Pancakes

From postsecret.blogspot.com

Rejection Monday

Good things about being single:

-The ability to eat copious amounts of two minute noodles without feeling guilty

-Not having to share the computer

Bad things about being single:

- Killing my own fricking insects

- Not coming home to anything cooked

- Rejecting people, and having them be bitter to you. I fucking hate that.

Tale of woe 1# 11-19:30

I work with this bartender called Louis Cypher and he has been literally chasing me for months. I've told him no a hundred billion times. Sometimes I will turn to him and say " I don't like you!" and he will say "I know".

As of recently, he has been bombarding my mobile inbox with countless squishy smses and I have been ignoring them ... look squishy smses are nice when you like the guy but when you don't like the guy, it's pukey.

So I decided to put an end to this once and for all, by just avoiding him completely at work. This resulted in "areyouok?whatswrong?talktometalktometalktome!areyouok?!".. thus making my head explode into thousands of pieces.

Finally he got the hint and he says "Look I'm not going to ask you anymore.. why are you not talking to me?" I didn't say anything, just pretended my sandwich was really interesting.

So he got the hint right?! The next day [henceforth referred to as Rejection Monday] I thought it would be all better, we would be civil and he would stop bombarding me so that I could re-piece my head. No such luck. He came into work and he was in the foulest moods I've ever seen, he was banging things and throwing things and barking at people. One of the servers whispered to me "What the heck is with him? Why so angry? I'm a bit afraid .." I just shrugged but I knew I had pissed him off something bad.

...

Tale of woe 2# 21:00

So I have a customer who wants [wanted] to date me and I had been out with him one time and it was fine. And when I say it was fine, it was really sort of boring and awkward. But anyway afterwards he apologised and said he was drunk. This was news to me.. he was drunk???
Aren't drunk people supposed to be entertaining and boisterous? I said it was ok and continued on as per usual with my life.

On Rejection Monday night, he started to chat with me online and he asked me to go out again
and I was and I'm being completely honest when I said "I'm really sorry.. but I'm not ready"

His reply was "Haha which I guess really means that you don't like me"

He then made an awkward comment on Ashley Judd and then promptly logged off.

I hope he logged off to grow a new pair of nuts.

...

Tale of woe 3# 21:35

SB: I miss you

Mush: You miss me because I'm fun! [which is true right?? I'm a fun person with fun qualities]

He then proceeded to rip my head off for not taking him seriously.

Oh for Fucks sake. by 9:35 I had had enough of men, with their pettiness and their unwillingness to just fricking get over themselves.

So Rejection Monday turned into Sapphic Tuesday and I have not spoken to a single man for over twenty four hours [with the exception of the make up artist at the Shu Uemura counter, he was strangely effeminate] I feel calmer and less likely for my head to detonate at any second. I should give up talking to men full-time, I don't need another repeat of Rejection Monday.

I am not a Hello Kitty nut

Most of my friends think I am a Hello Kitty nutcase, and when I exasperatedly protest- they point to my tattoo as the pinnacle of my [apparent] obssession.

"It's not about Hello Kitty! It's about irony! and conformity! and a delayed adolescence which makes me more appreciative of all things cute!"

They just eyeball me and say "Meh, say what you want. It's about that cat."

[Seriously, just because people get roses on their ankles or chinese symbols doesn't necessarily mean that they love roses or chinese calligraphy. I never see someone with a dolphin tatt and assume that they want to fondle a dolphin or something.]

So anyway this liking [and I stress LIKING] of Hello Kitty has made it easy for people to buy me gifts, they just buy me more Hello Kitty products and the more that people buy me, the more obsessed that they think I am with her! It's a fricking vicious cycle.

So as a top of my head list of Hello Kitty products I have:

a quilt [from Mum]
sheets [from Mum]
a blanket [from Sb]
a tv [from Sb]
a lipgloss [from Sumo]
a camera case [from Sumo]
a head cushion [from Sumo]
a computer mouse [from Mexicana]
a keyring torch [myself]
a keyboard [myself]
a "shoulder massager" [myself.. but more on that later.]

Can you see a pattern here?? I didn't buy most of the stuff! I'm still a person with feelings!

..
So anyway I just bought the keyboard from Melbourne and here it is in all its pink toned glory

It really was a bastard to lug back in a satchel. I think I'm most in love with the flowered keys. Oh, and her head on my shift key. Thats very cool. As you can see Mexicana's mouse is missing half a head- it was unavoidable. The keys as you can see are dark pink and half the time I can't see what I'm typing and so I typo everywhere, especially late at night. All future posts will be coming to you live from the Hello Kitty Keyboard! [with typos]

...

I had heard many a legend about the Hello Kitty shoulder massager. The good people of Sanrio released a "shoulder massager" and it quickly began to be used for things other than shoulder massaging. These other uses were not very wholesome or family oriented [unless your family likes to play together. I don't judge.] and Sanrio quickly pulled the plug on these "massagers", but not before they had been completely sold out by crazy, randy Japanese school girls.

Ten years later a recession is coming and why not capitalise on a good thing? so Sanrio last year re-released these "shoulder massagers" in different colours! Feeling lucky? Try orange! Bit dangerous? Try red. There's a different colour for every mood. And how could I of all people resist buying a "shoulder massager"? My shoulders hurt. Ow.

There it is!


It even has a chain so you can put it with your car keys. So you don't lose it. Inside you.


Check out those studs!

I cannot even detail to you how fast the thing runs! it whirs like a blender. Don't worry people I'm not going to use it, just in case you are horribly icked out and want to never read this blog again. When you visit my [hello-kitty filled] room you will see that the "massager" is pristine and unused. I only bought it for entertainment value [not that kind of entertainment value, you sick puppies].

If you want one- visit Jlist.com- batteries are included!

....

...

Four hours later, I saw this on a website. Its a Hello Kitty MAC collection.
Oh my Fucking God. Was I complaining about people buying me this stuff? I changed my mind. I shut up. Please people continue to buy for me, start with the lip glosses. [Hey, my birthday's coming up! people..? people..? Where are you going?!]

Back from Melbourne.

Happy [promiscuous] New Year!

These are the things I was expecting for New Years.

Friends. Check.

Alcohol. Check.

Fireworks. Check.

These are the things I was not expecting on New Years.

Getting lost and arriving late.

Arriving late enough so that everyone else was in alcohol camaraderie.

And lastly, I was not expecting to wander into the middle of a makeshift porn movie.

...

Everyone else was slushed, so I was feeling somewhat left out and not really participating in the [muddled] conversation. Sometimes I'm antisocial. Bite me. Anyway I was wandering around eating stale jellybeans and generally doing formations of eight around the living room when I spotted Girl A lean over and kiss the Girl B full on the mouth. Girl B responded and then quick as a flash, the boys had spotted it and the cameras were whipped out faster than you can say "Is lesbianfest 2008 over yet?". The cameras were out and the boys were doing the most uncanny imitation of paparazzi I'd ever seen. Complete with "Over here! Over here!"

...

Five minutes later, girl C joined in for a three way kiss. I'd never seen a three way kiss before. It involves a lot of mashing of tongue.

...

And then there was groping and squealing and general falling over

...

And I was clearly not drunk enough for this because all I could do was sort of gape at them bewilderedly, and all the while the boys kept shooting! I didn't know if it was impolite enough to keep staring or if I should start adding my contributory soundtrack of "bom-chicka-wow-wow-wow..."


..

Things started to wind down, the girls got sick of the attention and the boys had enough incriminating photos to blackmail the girls for life [or at least enough to share on facebook for a bit]

..

Girl A would five minutes later jump back on Girl B and then the whole process would start again!

...

Um... What can I say to that except that after a while it got boring and I thought it might be better to nurse my cocktail on the balcony. I'm getting old, if even lipstick lesbianism fails to thrill me.

...

About two hours later, I was sitting next to Girl B on the couch and she turned to me and asked me very seriously "Why does Girl A keep licking me?" "Aren't you and Girl A friends? Isn't it common for friends to show affection [by licking]?"
"No, I don't know her.. I just met her today"
"Oh. Then I don't know why she keeps licking you"
We both lapsed into thoughtful silence

...

Inappropriate Idiot guy thought that because Girl A 'seemed' easy that he would straddle her and try to get a public blow job. There's a reason I'm labeling him Inappropriate Idiot guy [henceforth known as IIA]. Girl A pushed him off and left the party in tears. Sigh

...

Now here's why I'm uncomfortable and though I've never met them before would probably be also happy to never see them again. Firstly, Girl A? Despite what Katy Perry sings- lesbianism is not a party trick, it shouldn't be used as a salacious entertainment tactic. Sing. Dance. Entertain then with your vibrant personality or something - don't use lesbian kissing to get attention.. it reeks of desperation and is just ridiculously inappropriate [sorry, I couldn't think of a better word] amongst a group of friends half of whom you don't really know properly.

[For those of you who say, "Maybe she really is a lesbian, you judgemental cow!" Her boyfriend is happily in Hong Kong on holidays unaware that his girlfriend is using her tongue as a human x-box]

...

Secondly, Inappropriate idiot guy? really? on a balcony? in front of everybody? Who did you think was going to agree to that? If I was her, I would've socked you in the nuts before pushing you off, but I guess she's nicer than me. You really are a prime example of a person who deserves to be sterile.

..

Ergh, rant off.

..

Happy New Year everybody, 2009 is getting off to a interesting start don't you think?

Today

so I woke up and saw it was going to be a beautiful day

I was pleased I was going to get my car back.

The bill came back as $888 dollars [No, I didn't add the extra eight]

It was still a beautiful day and so I decided to ask someone to the beach

It looked like it was about to storm so we laid around on the couch instead

Saffron msned me and told me she had given birth, she's a mum now. Flabbergasted.

He left the house, angry without any warning.

And then the sun just came out again.

There's never any explanation for days like these.

Losing Friends

So I'm not doing a proper sum up til the end of year [and by end of the year I actually mean January when Christmas is over and you've pulled me out of the gutter with my shirt around my head] .. I honestly feel like I've lost a lot of friends this year and ..

this was going to be a post about Losing friends but then I just got a call from my bestest friend in the middle of a concert and now I'm all warm and fuzzy and realise it doesn't really matter that much.

Screw the long and bitter post, I'm staying with the warm and fuzzies.

Emotional Intelligence. Have some.

Every so often I get bouts of writer's block [or my life gets desperately boring] and I have nothing to talk about.. and then this poor blog gets neglected.

Ok, fine my life is unimaginably boring and I don't have much to write about.

Lately I've been getting into screaming matches with workmates and have just been really horrible to everybody but mostly old people. Also I'm roadraging to the point where eventually my brain will haemorrage thus causing me to lose control of the vehicle thus starting a sixteen car pile on thus causing more road rage. Oh, and my customers have started calling me Smiley to be ironic- which I'm not really appreciating.

So anyway I thought I would take an eq test [Teddy once called me emotionally stunted]

There were questions like:


14. I ask people how they are feeling [Strongly agree- and if you're around me enough I think you'll get sick of it]

9. I maintain good eye contact [Errr.. disagree, for some reason when I'm in conversation with people my eyes tend to drift off. But it doesn't mean I'm not paying attention! Honest! I just feel cross eyed when I stare too long]

21. I often get ideas while daydreaming [Unsure, sometimes I daydream about Harrison Ford in my bedroom.. does that count as an idea exactly??]

58. I don't get involved in other people's business [Strongly disagree- Yeah I'm a gossip. I know]

48. I can usually de-escalate anger and conflict [Unsure, I'm starting to think I'm pretty good at creating it though]

100. Bosses who treat people badly unleash powerful emotions [Ok now the quiz is just worried that I'm going to turn into a postal worker]

130. Bosses who trample over feelings will find their words used against them [What do you have against my bosses, quiz?!]

And then when I got to the end of the quiz, I was expecting a nice little analysis on how emotionally healthy I was.. instead..



They wanted me to pay $24.18 for a report!! on myself! I'm not that self centred! Or rich!

I bet the professors/marketers who thought up this little scheme are sitting around going "If they're going to do a 4 page, 136 question questionnaire on themselves then they must be narcissists! And I bet you those narcissists will pay by the nose to know about themselves! especially since they wasted half an hour filling it out! It's genius! MUAHAHAHAHA"

Seriously, it takes a lot of EQ to just laugh at it and not want to set their [collective] houses on fire. See? Whaddya know, I have EQ! How good is that? You delivered me some EQ unintentionally.. suck on that quiz!