Blank messages

So my friend and I have this very complicated relationship. He's one of those friends that turn up in and out of your life at the most inopportune times.

So you know you'll have dinner and hang out

and then you'll argue about nothing

and then not see each other for a month

then you'll see each other at work

then hang out.

then argue.

Repeat ad nauseum until finally one of us is bound to go "What the Fuck? This is not healthy! Get out!"

Yeah, ok. So I haven't seen him for four months and now all of a sudden out of nowhere comes two blank messages. That's right, two blank messages. You'd think it'd at least have a dot or something. I'd be happy with a misplaced exclamation mark. A smiley???

So while I'm breaking so many cycles lately- I'm going to break this one too. I am not going to respond and I am going to get my ass out of that casino as soon as I possibly can [barring recession, of course].

I probably would've responded if there had been a smiley. Too bad for him.

Chocolate noodles

Campbell: Have you tasted something called a Spider? So.. yum

Me: A spider? you mean the coke and ice cream thing?

C: No, its chocolate and peanut butter mixed on top of noodles.

M: *Gags.. Noodles? What kind of noodles?

C: Dried noodles, like two minute noodles.

M: Erk. What. Is this another one of those things that western people think that Chinese people actually eat but don't. Like spring rolls.

C: No, silly- it's a party treat!

M: I never want to go to one of your parties!

C: Its not wet noodles like you're thinking, it's dried noodles. Should I make you some?

M: NO! Are you crazy? Chocolate on noodles... *gag

C: But its yum! You melt the chocolate on top in the microwave

M: ....

C: Try it!

M: I never make you eat chickens feet, don't try to make me eat chocolate noodles.

C: That's totally different.

M: No it's not. Ken! Campbell is trying to make me eat chocolate on noodles.

K: Wth? You crazy westerners. You don't put sweets on noodles!

Neverending story meme

.. Well I laughed! [Shut up. It's funny]

Solitude/There's just no way

Solitude.

It's a Saturday night and I'm sitting here blogging. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm learning to enjoy my own company. I think this is a far leap from last year where I would've tripped over my own grandmother to go out dancing and get drunk. I just don't feel the need to get out there and do that anymore. Of course the difference is liability and choice. I now choose to stay home and this decision has nothing to do with anyone else. See? I'm getting my shit together. It's a nice feeling.

----------

There's just no way.

So I had coffee with a senior co-worker about a month back. He was clearly more impressed with me than I was with him. Don't get me wrong- he was a nice guy and we made small talk that didn't make me want to drive off a cliff [which I wager is not the most difficult thing to do]. But as I was talking to him I got some really odd vibes and a couple of paragraphs in- I put my finger on what was bothering me. He had the biggest case of yellow fever I had ever seen.

.	yellow fever
	1. A term usually applied to white males who have a clear sexual preference for women of asian descent, although it can also be used in reference to white females who prefer asian men.

All his friends were Asian. His best friend was Shanghainese. His favourite food was Japanese. He had just come back from Beijing and was about to head off back to Hong Kong or something.

So maybe I was being too judgmental, so I decided to talk to it with my friend who knew him a little better than I did- being his direct underling.
Me: "Hey dude, this guy.... is he a bit... fond of the geisha?"
Friend: "HAHAHA. Totally. He loves his Asian women. If he sees a pretty one- it's like a direct target."

Erk.

Well, if I wasn't turned off before, I was giving him a wide berth now. The smses kept coming and I kept putting them off for another day, hoping he'd eventually just get it and never ask me for anything ever again. I'm busy. I'm going to the dentist. I'm working. I have to get a new bumper [I really did actually- that wasn't a lie]

So anyway I was in the workroom cafeteria and my friend Coffeebrother was giving me massage [and he does good massage] when theguywiththefever walks past and gives me daggers. Well they looked like daggers! Whatever, I'm getting back to the massage.

About an hour later, I'm walking through the casino when he stops me and says "I was going to sit with you at lunch, but you 'looked busy' *finger quotes".
At this point my eyebrows just about lifted off my head. What.
He continues "New man huh? new boyfriend?"
I look at him like the weirdo that he is and say "He's my co-worker"
You can then see his whole body relax and he smiles "Thats good, I have some stories to tell you later"
Whoaaaaaa, buddy. I went for one coffee with you- possessive much?!

It irritated me but I didn't think about it too much. Until I bumped into him in the cafeteria again and he said [in this most condescending voice] "So do you want to sit with me or do you want to go and sit with your little buddies?"
At that point I should've dumped my tray over his head and no-one would have blamed me. Little buddies indeed. I walk off to get some food and he comes and says to me more meekly "Want to hang out?" [It still wasn't as fricking apologetic as I would have liked]

Whatever right? His break only goes for ten minutes- I will only have to talk to him for ten minutes. So he's talking and I'm still seething on the little buddies comment, looking desperately for these little buddies to come rescue me. Huh, they're turning around and snickering- I don't think they're going to come get me. So I'm pulling Bambi eyes at them and picking morosely at the food.
"You're not eating"
"Yeah this tastes terrible [and also you're putting me off my food]"
More small talk.
"You seem distracted today"
"Oh really? [it may be me trying to mentally teleport myself across the room]"
"Well I gotta go.."
"Really?... "
"By-..." He was cut off midway by me flinging myself bodily first across the cafeteria in a nice imitation of a suicidal possum

Blah. Hope he finally got the message. And also hope he finds someone he can talk condescendingly to who doesn't mind. I definitely mind.

--

I was whining about these episodes to my friend Campbell and she cut me off and said "yellow fever? what the heck is yellow fever?"
Me: Someone wanting to date me because I'm yellow
Campbell: You're not yellow!
Me: I am a little bit!
Campbell: Thats a terrible thing to say.. you're more olive.
Me:........................................... Can we get back to the original point please?

Somewhere to make us happy

So Minnie and I are looking for a new suburb to live in- and we thought we'd take a walk around Cremorne

and after walking around for a bit, I think we both thought.. how can anyone not want to live here??

That view is just never overrated. Sun went behind a cloud for a second as I was taking this.

I own the cutest dog in the world. I defy you to disagree with me.

Pretty right? Its all dappled and shadowy. The right amount of summery and spooky.

And when you walk just a bit further there are benches where you can sit down and read. . if I lived here, I'd be on that bench sixteen out of twenty four hours a day [the other eight would be for sleeping and showering]

Sigh, how can you be unhappy living somewhere like that? [Okok I understand that material possessions count for nothing and there are people right now living in those apartments who are being subject to the same nitpicks and worries that us ordinary podunks do and having a nice flat doesn't necessarily make them happier than the rest of us .... annnnd.. I don't care. I want to live in that apartment.]

Yes I do. There's a grandma in the background watching me mopey camwhore. She probably wants me to turn off the flash.

Lets discuss this like adults. Me to you. Human to dog

No, I really value your opinion!

Okay! Looks like we've decided where we're going! Cremorne here we come!

Cupcakes make me happy

I just got this today in the mail for my birthday. It makes me happy.

That book just blew my mind!

As my housemate Mystic Meg was leaving, she dropped me off "He's just not that into you" with the strict instructions to read it. Read it. Read it.

Meh, I looked at the cover and I thought what the hell right? I'll just skim through it and then go back to reading something more.. substantial.

That book took my brain and exploded it into tiny tiny pieces [in a good way]

Look, I'm no mensa genius but I'm hardly Forrest Gump either but it took concrete black and white text to drive the message right home.

If the guy doesn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy makes excuses about why he didn't call- he's just not that into you.

If the guy doesn't want to hang out with you- [etc etc]

If the guy makes excuses not to hang out with you [etc!]

Here is the bottom line: Guys are not that complicated- if they really want to call you/text you/hang out with you- they will make the time and the effort to do so. If they don't want to do any of those things, they won't- you're the fool for waiting around and excusing it and he's the asshole.

Yesterday I begged someone to stay with me [hooray for dignity!], I was barefoot and in tears and yet he still drove off. And as I dragged my bedraggled ass home, I wondered how I got myself into that situation. What happened to my feminist instincts and why was I in that situation?

Today, now that I've read the book- I realise that all the aborted phone calls, the refusal to stay, the unreplied smses all lead to one basic conclusion [deep breath]: Ta-dah! He's just not that into you!

Apparently I needed it to be spelt out to me like a first grader. At least, it was spelt out.

And I feel much much lighter- much much happier and much readier to get on with my life.

I never thought I'd say this but girls, please go run out and get this book

Standing up

Kowakunai keredo
[I am not afraid]

You don't have to accept everything that happens.

Emotionally Done

So for those of you who read this blog [or talk to me. ever] will know that I haven't had the best week for my entire life. Well ok some of it was good in bits [Thanks Banana!] and some of it was ultra sonically crappy [Thanks Sb. Bang up job there].

Well the negative this week overrode the positive, so here I am on a Saturday night feeling like I've been dragged backwards through a hedge. Absolutely. exhausted.

So here we are, the ultimate party girl has two choices. She can a) join her friends in the city for a 3d horror movie then afterwards go crazy on a dancefloor or b) join her other friend at SoCo cargo [www.Sococargo.com.au] and flail the night away in a giant shipping container.

Annnnnd... there is a third choice, take my tired aching brain under the duvet and stay there til morning.

Fortunately for my friends, I am going to take the third option. I can honestly think of nothing worse than to top it off with ruining their night. Hibernation seems like the best thing to do.

While I've been sitting here, I:

1) switched on my Xmas present dvd and realised the entire series was in a foreign language. Thus rendering me unable to lie there unmovable watching glamorous people backstab each other for forty eight hours. Fuck. Well I could but theres a good chance I'm not going to know what the holy frick is going on.

2) heard an ice cream truck drive by my house about ten times. Back and forward. Back and forward. At first.. it was cute and made me want ice cream. The other nine times... dude, it's raining. I'm on a suburban street covered in townhouses. Who's going to let their kids out to buy sweets?? Give it up, I'm begging you.


Ok. Going to bed. Hope next week is better.

The Resilience of Stars

So yesterday I mentioned how I [by reason of not very temporary insanity] threw my mementos into a fire. This included an entire jar of origami stars.

Now to me, origami stars are very sentimental and when I'm folding them I only think of good thoughts and best wishes towards the person I'm giving to. They are miniature dollops of love in a jar and to fill up a jar .. well it means I love you very much.

So when I threw these stars into the frying pan [pot], I had to sit down and stop for a bit because it was making me so overwhelmingly sad*. And logically my brain was saying that it was ridiculous to feel sad about folded paper when other people in the world are having their eyeballs scooped out, but it all just felt like a giant waste.

Anyway so I dumped the ashes and filled the pot with water and left it in the sink overnight.

When I came back this afternoon not looking forward to an hour of scrubbing [the drawbacks of home bonfires] I poured the water out and a few surviving stars swam into my sink. I ignored them thinking they were going to slide down the drain. Fifteen minutes later, they were still sitting in my sink despite the constant strain of tap water pushing them to wherever leftover food goes to die.

That was enough, I scooped them up.

I don't know if it's the paper or my kick ass origami skills [or even love! keeping them alive!] but these seven stars have survived a fire, an all night soaking and then my kitchen sick. And they are all intact, singed- slightly soggy but intact.

I know sometimes I often give excess meaning to inanimate objects.. admittedly I anthromorphisise everything.. but I am taking this as some sort of sign. To not give up. To take whatever life throws at you and come out the other end slightly burnt but ok.
I will give these stars to someone I love and explain to them why these particular stars mean so much to me and hope that they understand [everything not just the arson bit]. Right now, they're sitting in a bowl next to my monitor drying out.

*Ironically, if I had cried tears it would probably have put out the fire thus saving the stars much pain

All Gone

I stood there today and over a flame I burned photos, letters, mementos. Dizzy with rage, I watched all the empty promises and lies disintegrate into puffs of smoke. In the end, all I was left with was a pot full of ashes.

History wiped clean.

8:19

Ok, not so clean. Who the fuck knew there I had so many fricking photoes lying around?? Everytime I turn around theres another one on a wall or under a table. I can't very well start a fire everytime I see one right? And throwing it in the garbage doesn't really have the same effect. So at the moment my house is full of overturned and empty frames. Have you ever seen a charred origami star before? Its the saddest sight when you pick one up and it crumbles in your hands.

Sad summer days

I haven't seen DarkAngel for over a year since he broke up with Mexicana, but I had to go to his place to pick up his guitar for my party.

So I turned up and he still looked the same, I tentatively asked him how he had been and he said that he hadn't been having a very good year.

So we would stood on his porch and talked and I was surprised by this sudden sense of loss.

The four of us Mexicana, DarkAngel, SB and I would never go back to those days- bright summer days of so many possibilities. We no longer have the comfort of those dinners and that company. Each of us having gone our own separate ways. The loss of that kind of easiness.

I remember the petty fights and the irritations, angry partners stalking off and stony silences, the inability of any of us to pick some place to eat. But after all that, there was the laughter- the laughter was almost at a constant level and when it stopped we made our own, we told jokes, we danced in the street, we amused ourselves any way we could.


And so I felt a little more than a twinge as I left, it was an extremely pretty day and I couldn't think of anyone I really wanted to share it with. I called SB but he didn't pick up.
"You're crazy Mush" and I slapped myself upside the head.

"Crazy notions of past happinesses are interfering with your ability to drive! So you have to sack up and wipe your eyes because you're swerving! Crossing! the! line! Eeeeek!"

I was happy to get home and just be miserable on my couch without endangering any pedestrian lives. It really was a pretty day.

25 Random Things

1. I can't draw straight lines which is why I almost failed technical drawing in high school [almost!]

2. I like wearing really bright colours, so on a day when you catch me wearing black- it's a really good idea to steer clear.

3. I like driving people home.

4. I can't click my fingers and make a clicking noise. It makes a dull whoosh sound instead. I must have flat fingers because it makes people laugh when I try.

5. I want to drive across Russia. I haven't found anybody to support the idea yet because they're too busy worrying I'll be kidnapped by [Russian] bandits. Or eaten by wolves.

6. I think four years of catholic school actually did me some good ethically.

7. I have a really good head for useless trivia- I think I would be good on the show "The Rich List"

8. The first time I ever snuck into a pub was when I was seventeen. It was the Orient at the Rocks- I've never been back inside since.

9. If I had Paris Hilton's money, I would also probably buy close to the same amount of clothing. I would not however buy seven chiuhuahuas.

10. I had a nose piercing and have a tattoo because people told me not to. I would probably jump off a cliff if you told me not to.

11. My supervisor once said I act like a robot. It didn't make me serve customers any less robotically.

12. I breathe a sigh of relief when my friends tell me they read they read this blog .. which leads to..

13. I think my blog should be more famous than it is [ha!]

14. I can recite the dialogue between Jack and Rose of the Titanic right before he floats off and dies

15. I am scared of hairballs, cockroaches and the dark.

16. I think my dog is a feminist because I am a feminist.

17. I think that there is more to deja vu than just a brain spasm.

18. One of my goals was to sit on the Wheel of Fortune wheel and spin around. In my heart of hearts I don't ever think it will ever really happen.

19. On my break at work, I like to go to the harbour and stare at the fishes and jellyfish. You will often find me with my shoes off on the edge of the wharf.. which leads to..

20. I often worry about dropping my shoes in the water and having to explain to my supervisor why I have no shoes

21. If I correct your grammar it's only because I care!

22. I never ate pork buns again after watching that movie on the killer who turned people into buns and sold them in his restaurant. I was eleven. It was my fault for watching it when I knew I wasn't supposed to.

23. My new favourite song is Paper Planes by MIA. I turn it up really loudly in the car and it was always freaks out whoevers driving next to me [especially old people!]

24. Cucumber soju always makes me really drunk and always has disastrous consequences.

25. This list was already produced on facebook. I'm sorry if you're doing a re-read. I will post some pictures of my birthday tomorrow.

Tokyo Ninjas

On a discussion of lost Tokyo Disney Souvenirs

Mush: You have a hat like that already, its a mickey mouse hat

Mexicana: oh yea, I don't know where it went

Mush: I don't know where my gloves went either. I presume that Tokyo Disney has like ninjas that go into customers houses that take back the souvenirs to Tokyo Disney and resell them

Mexicana: Totally plausible

Mush: [to Sb] what do you think?

SB: I don't think so

Mush: It's Japan, they have ninjas. [pause] Yakuza ninjas.

SB: [Rolls his eyes. Hard]

Mush: You can't explain where the souvenirs went!

Sarsparilla Memories

I was with MD today [who by the way loves this blog, so I can rest on my laurels now] and we made our way to a Vietnamese restaurant which had... sarsparilla! on its menu. For my American readers, you guys have root beer everyday so it's not a big thing for you [so says my encyclopaedic Dennis the Menace knowledge] but I haven't had sarsparilla since I was a little kid and so it was a big thing for me and I was counting down the minutes til I popped open the can and could ruminate nostalgically on how good the beverages of my childhood were.
[I know I'm talking like I'm about to open my coffin and lay down. Shut up.]

Well firstly the can was warm which I guess is standard fare in an Asian restaurant [something about Asians having sensitive gums] and it was much flatter than I remembered. I don't know if it was the particular brand but it didn't have the tang of my childhood memories and it was distinctly more licorice-y.

I knew however that if I had ordered coke then I would have thought longingly about drinking sarsparilla all night and I would be writing now about my regret of not drinking that beverage. So in a way it was fate, the sarsparilla can and I were destined to meet in this way.

If you ask me .. how is that fate, you crazy nutso? Well what were the chances of that one can ending up in my paw and tainting my memories with licorice aftertaste I tell you??

So thanks Ace Sarsi for killing off one of my fond childhood memories! and putting me one step closer to just drinking sugarfree energy drinks 24/7 [No, diet coke doesn't count]

..

Of course I realise that if that is really what sarsparilla tastes like, then I'm pretty sure I figured why it died in popularity in Australia. Yerk.

How Rice Balls ruined my New Year

So yesterday was Chinese New Year and you're supposed to spend the entire day thinking good thoughts. I don't think I've ever had so many bad thoughts in my entire life.

Most of them directed towards family and glutinous objects.

We had had a big family dinner the night before so New Year was supposed to be a bit more low key. I guess we could be mean, and say that it was beyond low key and had entered the zone of no key. My Aunty cooked three dishes, it was a bowl of prawns [I think there was about fifteen in there], a plate of bok choy and a fish. We're talking about for six people here, so my cousins and I hadn't even started eating when they decided to throw a lasagne in the oven for good measure.

I'm staring at my bowl of rice [please sir, can I have some more? More?!] when my mum asks me why I'm not eating.. I look at her like she's crazy and say [a touch bitterly] "I'm allergic.. to prawns" which left just the vegetables and my rice as the fish hadn't come out.

Please tell me how I reached twenty five and my mum hasn't realised I'm allergic to prawns?? How am I not dead yet??

So I'm hanging out on the couch, waiting to go home because I'm due to meet Sb to watch 'Slumdog Millionaire' and also I'm hungry. Hungry! I want to go and get some sushi or something. [which oddly also consists of rice, fish and vegetables... ]

And my mum comes out with "We're not going home yet because she's making rice balls [tong yuen]"

"Oh." So I very politely wait another hour [and by this time my phone has run out of battery and I think it would be better for Sb to pick me up there instead so we don't miss the session] when those tong yuen are finally finished. And I'm flicking through an old Sweet Valley [!] book, when my mum asks me if I want any.

... deep breath.. I hate glutinous food. Anybody who even remotely knows me knows that anything sticky- mochi- rice cakes- rice balls- red bean paste- floury squishy stuff makes me want to gag. That stuff just closes around my throat and won't go down. I LOATHE it and everyone in a fifty mile radius knows it. Except for some reason my mum.

So with as much patience as I can muster, I say "I hate tong yuen" [Sorry, I still think it's nicer than "I fucking hate tong yuen, and if you pass it to me I will take one bite and then puke it on the couch and how come you don't know this?!"]

She looks at me concernedly, and then I get this sharp epiphany that my mum and I are only connected by blood and nothing else. We don't know each other at all. The moment passes and she says mildly "oh, that was the only reason we were staying, I don't like tong yuen that much either"

And then my stepdad goes "errr.. why are we still here then?"

My mum makes her excuses to leave by saying she has to go feed Minnie. "Ai.. that poor dog hasn't had any dinner yet"

And then my aunty says something along the lines of "Don't ever get another dog, why are you the one stuck taking care of it?"

And there are my hackles- they are up and they are not going down.

She then turns to me and says something admonishing, in all honesty I cannot for the life of me remember what it was, something about being irresponsible. and dogs. Or Sb. Something.

so I look at her and say "gum dim leh?" [translation: "ok... and?" or "ok... point?"]

I say goodbye to my mum and I'm putting my shoes on out on the porch [and by the way it's pissing down rain] when my mum comes back and says to me "did your aunty give you your red packet?" and I say "No, its ok.. save it for next time"

And my mum goes in to ask her for it and I hear "I don't want to give it to her!" and my mum comes out and I'm still struggling to get my shoes on, my cousin J is standing in the doorway while I wait and then I hear "Close the door!" and my cousin J is "Mish is standing in the rain waiting for Sb"
"Don't push your luck!" and then the door slams.

Oh, I've finally managed to jam my feet into my converses at this point. And then my mum starts in on me. "Why did you have to ask her what her point is?? She's older than you! Aren't you coming home with me?? Why do you have to get Sb to pick you up??" and she begins to nag until I can feel an internal haemorrage coming on.

"Alright! alright! fuck! I will get in your car and I will tell him to pick me up at home!"

"Why do you have to get him to pick you up in the first place??"

My eyes then begin to slowly do spirals.

Just at that moment, Sb pulls up and I throw myself out of the car- rocket launcher style [ever seen a rocket-launcher come out of a car?]

And I know that I'm in no mood for a movie- uplifting or otherwise and I ask him to take me home. I'm quiet in the car but I can feel those hackles are not going to go down anytime soon.

When we get to my place, I ask him if he wants to come in- Mush vs Mum- first fight of the New Year. He politely declines [that's right, you no longer have an obligation to watch my dysfunctional family do dysfunctional things. Run, you stupid boy, run!]

And then we get down to it inside.

Mum: you were rude to her! She's elder than you!

Mush: They were three words! and not even rude words -She's lucky I didn't tell her to fuck off!

Mum: She's your aunty!

Mush: It's none of her business!

Stepdad: Stop fighting.. [realises it's not going to happen, then exits taking the dog with him]

Mum: And anyway, how can you be so cruel to Sb by getting him to drive you home like that?!

Mush: WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO SOMEWHERE

Mum: Oh. Well, how would I know that?

Mush: Do you really think that I'm that cruel? That I would get him to come all the way from the fricking countryside to drive me home for five minutes?

Mum: Actually I think you would, you're very good at it.

And then the conversation halted and I just stared at her and there was that feeling again. That she doesn't know me at all, that we're two people who happen to be connected by blood but nothing else.

Mush: Get out

And then she left.

----

Sorry, this is kind of a long post isn't it? It was a night bore out of misunderstandings and more misunderstandings and incredibly pointless fighting. But it really helped me to gain some insight into the relationships with my family which I don't think I previously had. Look, I've always said that I put my friends before my family- this is because I have never felt able to count on my family in my times of need. They are not there, and they are not who I talk to. And I don't know if it's a generational thing or a cultural thing but out of their well intentioned advice always comes a metaphorical storm.

I was discussing politics with my uncle one time and when I moved away she asked me what we were talking about. I replied politics and she laughed "as if you would talk about things like that" and that stung. It was like a slap. I'm constantly surprised by not even how little she knows me but how little she thinks of me.

And as for my aunty, family always lets family stand out in the rain you know?

On the verge of something wonderful

So 2008 wasn't the best year ever in terms of career and relationships. Ok, fine. It fricking stalled and lay down and died in the middle of the road.

But this year, I'm feeling quietly more hopeful. I have a feeling that this year will be a better year and I'll figure myself out and everything will be fine.

And even if it doesn't .. I know that I'll be ok- I'm scrappy and I'll make it through.

[Ha, I bet you missed those ridiculously melancholy posts.. it's been a few months]

Sunny Days

It was a picture perfect day for a picnic. [Alliteration!]



Good friends, sunshine and bubbles.

Happy Birthday Coconat! I hope you had a great day.

My short lived career as a book-seller

The holidays are over and I am broke. b-r-o-k-e. or for the educationally challenged b-r-o-c-k.

Ever since I started living with my mum when I was thirteen, I've had a thing for collecting books. Of course, now that I'm [ahem] twenty three, my tastes are a little different and I have a huge pile of books which I wish to disassociate myself with. And what better way to do this by selling them to a second-hand dealer?!

I had ka-ching signs in my eyes thinking that the dealer would give me [a minimum!] of five dollars a book and I would go home and throw the money on my bed ala Scrooge McDuck and roll around in it.

Huh, I dream too much I think.

So I went with Meowmeow to the dealer and she shuffled through my pile of books- She looked at the Davinci Code and said "I have too many copies of this already" [Ok that is kind of funny] and she sniffed at the Grisham and said "also too many"

She looked at The Devil's Advocate and said "We don't take motion picture books" [Why is that? I asked Meowmeow. 'Cos people can watch the movie instead'. Oh.]

A Grown Up Girls Guide to Life? "While Kathy Lette might recommend it- I'm not taking it" The dealer is getting a bit spicy by this time.

In the end, she took the Diary of Anne Frank [which how come she doesn't have too many of?! Is it a guilt thing?!], Citizen Girl [[a really really crap book which was thirty dollars four years ago],
Some Anne Rice novel [How embarrassing] and something cheap by Robert Hough.

The dealer reached into the drawer and gave me two dollars. Two dollars.

Wow. Thats less than a can of soft drink. I think I must've had goldfish face for ten minutes after that.

Bah. At least I got rid of that crappy Citizen Girl book- Good luck her offloading that.

Pancakes

From postsecret.blogspot.com

Rejection Monday

Good things about being single:

-The ability to eat copious amounts of two minute noodles without feeling guilty

-Not having to share the computer

Bad things about being single:

- Killing my own fricking insects

- Not coming home to anything cooked

- Rejecting people, and having them be bitter to you. I fucking hate that.

Tale of woe 1# 11-19:30

I work with this bartender called Louis Cypher and he has been literally chasing me for months. I've told him no a hundred billion times. Sometimes I will turn to him and say " I don't like you!" and he will say "I know".

As of recently, he has been bombarding my mobile inbox with countless squishy smses and I have been ignoring them ... look squishy smses are nice when you like the guy but when you don't like the guy, it's pukey.

So I decided to put an end to this once and for all, by just avoiding him completely at work. This resulted in "areyouok?whatswrong?talktometalktometalktome!areyouok?!".. thus making my head explode into thousands of pieces.

Finally he got the hint and he says "Look I'm not going to ask you anymore.. why are you not talking to me?" I didn't say anything, just pretended my sandwich was really interesting.

So he got the hint right?! The next day [henceforth referred to as Rejection Monday] I thought it would be all better, we would be civil and he would stop bombarding me so that I could re-piece my head. No such luck. He came into work and he was in the foulest moods I've ever seen, he was banging things and throwing things and barking at people. One of the servers whispered to me "What the heck is with him? Why so angry? I'm a bit afraid .." I just shrugged but I knew I had pissed him off something bad.

...

Tale of woe 2# 21:00

So I have a customer who wants [wanted] to date me and I had been out with him one time and it was fine. And when I say it was fine, it was really sort of boring and awkward. But anyway afterwards he apologised and said he was drunk. This was news to me.. he was drunk???
Aren't drunk people supposed to be entertaining and boisterous? I said it was ok and continued on as per usual with my life.

On Rejection Monday night, he started to chat with me online and he asked me to go out again
and I was and I'm being completely honest when I said "I'm really sorry.. but I'm not ready"

His reply was "Haha which I guess really means that you don't like me"

He then made an awkward comment on Ashley Judd and then promptly logged off.

I hope he logged off to grow a new pair of nuts.

...

Tale of woe 3# 21:35

SB: I miss you

Mush: You miss me because I'm fun! [which is true right?? I'm a fun person with fun qualities]

He then proceeded to rip my head off for not taking him seriously.

Oh for Fucks sake. by 9:35 I had had enough of men, with their pettiness and their unwillingness to just fricking get over themselves.

So Rejection Monday turned into Sapphic Tuesday and I have not spoken to a single man for over twenty four hours [with the exception of the make up artist at the Shu Uemura counter, he was strangely effeminate] I feel calmer and less likely for my head to detonate at any second. I should give up talking to men full-time, I don't need another repeat of Rejection Monday.

I am not a Hello Kitty nut

Most of my friends think I am a Hello Kitty nutcase, and when I exasperatedly protest- they point to my tattoo as the pinnacle of my [apparent] obssession.

"It's not about Hello Kitty! It's about irony! and conformity! and a delayed adolescence which makes me more appreciative of all things cute!"

They just eyeball me and say "Meh, say what you want. It's about that cat."

[Seriously, just because people get roses on their ankles or chinese symbols doesn't necessarily mean that they love roses or chinese calligraphy. I never see someone with a dolphin tatt and assume that they want to fondle a dolphin or something.]

So anyway this liking [and I stress LIKING] of Hello Kitty has made it easy for people to buy me gifts, they just buy me more Hello Kitty products and the more that people buy me, the more obsessed that they think I am with her! It's a fricking vicious cycle.

So as a top of my head list of Hello Kitty products I have:

a quilt [from Mum]
sheets [from Mum]
a blanket [from Sb]
a tv [from Sb]
a lipgloss [from Sumo]
a camera case [from Sumo]
a head cushion [from Sumo]
a computer mouse [from Mexicana]
a keyring torch [myself]
a keyboard [myself]
a "shoulder massager" [myself.. but more on that later.]

Can you see a pattern here?? I didn't buy most of the stuff! I'm still a person with feelings!

..
So anyway I just bought the keyboard from Melbourne and here it is in all its pink toned glory

It really was a bastard to lug back in a satchel. I think I'm most in love with the flowered keys. Oh, and her head on my shift key. Thats very cool. As you can see Mexicana's mouse is missing half a head- it was unavoidable. The keys as you can see are dark pink and half the time I can't see what I'm typing and so I typo everywhere, especially late at night. All future posts will be coming to you live from the Hello Kitty Keyboard! [with typos]

...

I had heard many a legend about the Hello Kitty shoulder massager. The good people of Sanrio released a "shoulder massager" and it quickly began to be used for things other than shoulder massaging. These other uses were not very wholesome or family oriented [unless your family likes to play together. I don't judge.] and Sanrio quickly pulled the plug on these "massagers", but not before they had been completely sold out by crazy, randy Japanese school girls.

Ten years later a recession is coming and why not capitalise on a good thing? so Sanrio last year re-released these "shoulder massagers" in different colours! Feeling lucky? Try orange! Bit dangerous? Try red. There's a different colour for every mood. And how could I of all people resist buying a "shoulder massager"? My shoulders hurt. Ow.

There it is!


It even has a chain so you can put it with your car keys. So you don't lose it. Inside you.


Check out those studs!

I cannot even detail to you how fast the thing runs! it whirs like a blender. Don't worry people I'm not going to use it, just in case you are horribly icked out and want to never read this blog again. When you visit my [hello-kitty filled] room you will see that the "massager" is pristine and unused. I only bought it for entertainment value [not that kind of entertainment value, you sick puppies].

If you want one- visit Jlist.com- batteries are included!

....

...

Four hours later, I saw this on a website. Its a Hello Kitty MAC collection.
Oh my Fucking God. Was I complaining about people buying me this stuff? I changed my mind. I shut up. Please people continue to buy for me, start with the lip glosses. [Hey, my birthday's coming up! people..? people..? Where are you going?!]

Back from Melbourne.

Happy [promiscuous] New Year!

These are the things I was expecting for New Years.

Friends. Check.

Alcohol. Check.

Fireworks. Check.

These are the things I was not expecting on New Years.

Getting lost and arriving late.

Arriving late enough so that everyone else was in alcohol camaraderie.

And lastly, I was not expecting to wander into the middle of a makeshift porn movie.

...

Everyone else was slushed, so I was feeling somewhat left out and not really participating in the [muddled] conversation. Sometimes I'm antisocial. Bite me. Anyway I was wandering around eating stale jellybeans and generally doing formations of eight around the living room when I spotted Girl A lean over and kiss the Girl B full on the mouth. Girl B responded and then quick as a flash, the boys had spotted it and the cameras were whipped out faster than you can say "Is lesbianfest 2008 over yet?". The cameras were out and the boys were doing the most uncanny imitation of paparazzi I'd ever seen. Complete with "Over here! Over here!"

...

Five minutes later, girl C joined in for a three way kiss. I'd never seen a three way kiss before. It involves a lot of mashing of tongue.

...

And then there was groping and squealing and general falling over

...

And I was clearly not drunk enough for this because all I could do was sort of gape at them bewilderedly, and all the while the boys kept shooting! I didn't know if it was impolite enough to keep staring or if I should start adding my contributory soundtrack of "bom-chicka-wow-wow-wow..."


..

Things started to wind down, the girls got sick of the attention and the boys had enough incriminating photos to blackmail the girls for life [or at least enough to share on facebook for a bit]

..

Girl A would five minutes later jump back on Girl B and then the whole process would start again!

...

Um... What can I say to that except that after a while it got boring and I thought it might be better to nurse my cocktail on the balcony. I'm getting old, if even lipstick lesbianism fails to thrill me.

...

About two hours later, I was sitting next to Girl B on the couch and she turned to me and asked me very seriously "Why does Girl A keep licking me?" "Aren't you and Girl A friends? Isn't it common for friends to show affection [by licking]?"
"No, I don't know her.. I just met her today"
"Oh. Then I don't know why she keeps licking you"
We both lapsed into thoughtful silence

...

Inappropriate Idiot guy thought that because Girl A 'seemed' easy that he would straddle her and try to get a public blow job. There's a reason I'm labeling him Inappropriate Idiot guy [henceforth known as IIA]. Girl A pushed him off and left the party in tears. Sigh

...

Now here's why I'm uncomfortable and though I've never met them before would probably be also happy to never see them again. Firstly, Girl A? Despite what Katy Perry sings- lesbianism is not a party trick, it shouldn't be used as a salacious entertainment tactic. Sing. Dance. Entertain then with your vibrant personality or something - don't use lesbian kissing to get attention.. it reeks of desperation and is just ridiculously inappropriate [sorry, I couldn't think of a better word] amongst a group of friends half of whom you don't really know properly.

[For those of you who say, "Maybe she really is a lesbian, you judgemental cow!" Her boyfriend is happily in Hong Kong on holidays unaware that his girlfriend is using her tongue as a human x-box]

...

Secondly, Inappropriate idiot guy? really? on a balcony? in front of everybody? Who did you think was going to agree to that? If I was her, I would've socked you in the nuts before pushing you off, but I guess she's nicer than me. You really are a prime example of a person who deserves to be sterile.

..

Ergh, rant off.

..

Happy New Year everybody, 2009 is getting off to a interesting start don't you think?

Today

so I woke up and saw it was going to be a beautiful day

I was pleased I was going to get my car back.

The bill came back as $888 dollars [No, I didn't add the extra eight]

It was still a beautiful day and so I decided to ask someone to the beach

It looked like it was about to storm so we laid around on the couch instead

Saffron msned me and told me she had given birth, she's a mum now. Flabbergasted.

He left the house, angry without any warning.

And then the sun just came out again.

There's never any explanation for days like these.

Losing Friends

So I'm not doing a proper sum up til the end of year [and by end of the year I actually mean January when Christmas is over and you've pulled me out of the gutter with my shirt around my head] .. I honestly feel like I've lost a lot of friends this year and ..

this was going to be a post about Losing friends but then I just got a call from my bestest friend in the middle of a concert and now I'm all warm and fuzzy and realise it doesn't really matter that much.

Screw the long and bitter post, I'm staying with the warm and fuzzies.

Emotional Intelligence. Have some.

Every so often I get bouts of writer's block [or my life gets desperately boring] and I have nothing to talk about.. and then this poor blog gets neglected.

Ok, fine my life is unimaginably boring and I don't have much to write about.

Lately I've been getting into screaming matches with workmates and have just been really horrible to everybody but mostly old people. Also I'm roadraging to the point where eventually my brain will haemorrage thus causing me to lose control of the vehicle thus starting a sixteen car pile on thus causing more road rage. Oh, and my customers have started calling me Smiley to be ironic- which I'm not really appreciating.

So anyway I thought I would take an eq test [Teddy once called me emotionally stunted]

There were questions like:


14. I ask people how they are feeling [Strongly agree- and if you're around me enough I think you'll get sick of it]

9. I maintain good eye contact [Errr.. disagree, for some reason when I'm in conversation with people my eyes tend to drift off. But it doesn't mean I'm not paying attention! Honest! I just feel cross eyed when I stare too long]

21. I often get ideas while daydreaming [Unsure, sometimes I daydream about Harrison Ford in my bedroom.. does that count as an idea exactly??]

58. I don't get involved in other people's business [Strongly disagree- Yeah I'm a gossip. I know]

48. I can usually de-escalate anger and conflict [Unsure, I'm starting to think I'm pretty good at creating it though]

100. Bosses who treat people badly unleash powerful emotions [Ok now the quiz is just worried that I'm going to turn into a postal worker]

130. Bosses who trample over feelings will find their words used against them [What do you have against my bosses, quiz?!]

And then when I got to the end of the quiz, I was expecting a nice little analysis on how emotionally healthy I was.. instead..



They wanted me to pay $24.18 for a report!! on myself! I'm not that self centred! Or rich!

I bet the professors/marketers who thought up this little scheme are sitting around going "If they're going to do a 4 page, 136 question questionnaire on themselves then they must be narcissists! And I bet you those narcissists will pay by the nose to know about themselves! especially since they wasted half an hour filling it out! It's genius! MUAHAHAHAHA"

Seriously, it takes a lot of EQ to just laugh at it and not want to set their [collective] houses on fire. See? Whaddya know, I have EQ! How good is that? You delivered me some EQ unintentionally.. suck on that quiz!

Wipe On Sex Appeal

So I was in the toilets of Shark Bar and I saw this...


If thats a bit blurry, it says "Wipe On Sex Appeal" Wipe On! Sex Appeal!

and it was only two dollars! who could possibly resist? Well not me thats for sure.

So I scrounged around for two dollars and to the bewilderment of my friends, out popped a little blue box.

We all peered at it.. "Why does it look like a Tiffany's tampon box?", it was oddly the same colour as a box from Tiffanys.

Colour is slightly off on my camera

"Open it! open it!"

When it was opened.. it looked like .. well it looked like a condom wrapper.

The back of the packet says: This product has not been tested on animals [ I hope not!]. For external use only.. which makes me wonder exactly where people think they should wipe this thing? Ingredients: Alcohol, pheremone, fragrance and water. Also it boasts an unfair social advantage over other people.. hmm..

"Are you sure that's not a condom?"

" A condom which I'm going to wipe on myself...?"

Coconat looked at me and screwed up her nose.. "What if it gives you a rash?"

"Well if it works properly, then I'll be getting a rash for sure! Hee... Ahem..."

I tucked it into my purse for research purposes. And also Mexicana was coming the next day so I was sure she'd appreciate the pure science of wiping [someone else's] pheromones on myself to attract the opposite sex.

...

Mexicana gives me the most exasperated look "you do realise that everyones pheromones are individual and you wasted two dollars! two dollars!"

"But I want everyone to make kissy faces at me! Like this! "


.."After we camwhore of course..."

So are we going to try this or not? .. Mexicana gives me a look which indicates I may be pushing the boundaries of our [beloved! beloved!] friendship by involving her in a crazy social science experiment.

"Fine"



Ippon looks at me and says "What exactly are you involving my girlfriend in??!"



Me: "I'm asking her to wipe this concoction on her neck so that we are more appealing to the opposite sex"

Ippon: "Huh."


So we [or rather I] opened up the packet and got a whiff of the wipe.



.. it smelt like lemony liquid soap but in a way that somebody had tried to remove the lemons and failed. It also made my nose tingle like a bastard.

I looked at Mexicana worriedly, is my nose supposed to tingle??? Is it going to work on me instead?? Will I go crazy and start humping everybodys leg?!

Mexicana: I don't think you know how pheromones work. No.





So despite my misgivings [and worries about an imminent rash] I start applying it liberally

x

It really was like a KFC wipe. Except drier. And greasier. When I reached up to touch my neck, it was like I had rubbed a kebab on myself. I was literally dripping oil.

Me: Um, chicks? Is this supposed to do this?

Mexicana: Yes, its alcohol.

Me: Not any alcohol I've ever drunk.

Mexicana: Sigh

Don't look so happy, you stupid fool. You smell like munted lemons

So hey pronto! we were greasy and lemon fresh and ready to go. Lets hit the town!

We barely stepped out the door when a forty year old man towing his two kids gave us a look. A deeply perverty look.

Me: He wasn't really close enough to smell anything. I think he might just be objecting to how short your shorts are

We walked up and down George Street looking for an open bar.

Equilibrium- closed [CLOSED?!]

V Bar- There was an empty function going on inside. The bouncer leered at us "you need to pay to get in. I'll give you a discount- make it ten dollars instead of twenty" I think if we had talked to him any longer he would've pulled down his pants and asked us to blow him for entry.

Me: Mexicana, I think your shorts are affecting this experiment.

We continued up and down until Mexi started pouting "I WANNA GET DRUNK. This is affecting BINGE TIME"

I was also starting to think that the smells of George Street [cigarettes, vomit, teenybopper sweat] were starting to co-mingle with my lemony scent.

Fine, fine so we headed to Star Bar [Mexicana officially desperate for a drink] where two [youngish] Indian bartenders served us.

I ordered her three chartreuses.

IB: So you're planning to get drunk tonight? IB starts eyeing up Mexicana appreciatively. Not that I want him or anything but I'm starting to wonder if I should wave my wrists in his face for the sake of experimentation.

Mexicana: Yeah, I am.... BLEAAAAAHHHH.. what is this stuff??

Me: Whoops, forgot you were a chartreuse virgin. Two to go!

The IB is impressed with her gusto, but she starts looking a little bit wobbly on her heels. Oh boy.

Moving onto Shark Bar before IB drags her out the back to hump her leg.

In Shark Bar, to my disappointment the only bartenders there are women and one strangely effeminate blonde guy. I look around and realise that even if this stuff worked [and I don't think it did] these are all eighteen year old high school students! I don't want to go to jail!

I gave up and played pool clumsily instead. Which is I think more fun than unobtrusively waving my wrists in peoples faces.

Results of the experiment: One extremely greasy lemony girl and her trashed best friend had no takers: an interested bartender, a pervy old man, an even more skeevy bouncer and many high school children which we didn't even bother to look at. Now that you put it that way.. is there a man drought in Sydney that I'm not aware of??

Two bimbos and a taxi

So me and Coconat had just finished having dinner and we were heading back to my car to go home. As we were walking up the street we spied a taxi trying to fit into a teeny weeny space in front of my car. Coconat and I looked at each other and I went ohGodohGod, there's no way he's going to fit...

CRUNCH.. [melding of bumpers noise]

Oh shit.

The taxi started to accelerate and move off. The bastard was going to hit and run!

So Coconat and I flew down the street and started hollering "OI! OI! You!! Stop now!"

The taxi driver hesitated for a second and and when he saw two angry girls bearing down on him, he stepped on the gas double time and zoomed off.

"Wait! You.. you... you.. fuckstick!!"

So we're standing there panting .. hurrrr.. hurrrr.. hurrrr [the two of us need cardio apparently] and I turn around to inspect the damage.

"Um...Coconat? That's not my car"

"Holy crap. It isn't your car!"

"Where is the car?" The car was safe and sound on a parallel street, undamaged by any taxis. We headed home, feeling extremely sheepish and just a little bit stupid. We certainly scared the nuts off that taxi driver.

I hate Unwired

I use Unwired because I'm renting. There are very little possibilites for internet for people who are renting and don't want to use a phone line. And so I use unwired.

I opened my computer up at 10:00pm, I have been disconnected from the internet once every three minutes for the last hour and twenty minutes. It is now 11:22pm. Which means I have been logged off the internet about twenty six times. I am starting to think I have the patience of a saint. I should be canonised. Saint Mush of Sydney, for not hurling the modem out the window at my neighbours cat. For sitting through twenty six disconnections and constant IP drop outs without kicking the wall in.



While I've been waiting for my internet to stabilise itself [at eleven at night] I've become very good at passing time on things that don't involve internet.

They involve:

Playing endless games of mindsweeper and or spider

Recreating starry starry night on paint program

Cleaning the keys on my keyboard

Imagining syphillis on the CEO of Unwired. Long and painful syphillis which involves his penis exploding with pus at the same rate of my disconnection.



I'm just waiting for my landlady to extend my lease and when she does, I'm going to switch to naked DSL. I am going to pee on the modem and send it back to Unwired in 500 pieces, in fact, I'm going to have a *peeing party for all my friends who've struggled to talk to me on msn for the last year because of constant cut outs. There's going to be so many people who are going to want to take it out on modem that there's not going to be enough modem to go around.

[If you're wondering, yes I did take it to customer service and their advice? Sell the modem to my friends if it's not working for me (really, I don't hate my friends that much). That advice cost me 45 minutes waiting time and a sixty dollar bill. Please canonise me. Vote now]

Push ups

I haven't been very healthy lately, I've still been taking all my vitamins and everything but my two minute noodle intake has risen by about 500%.

So I thought I would do some exercise but unfortunately it was raining outside, so why not improvise?

I started off by doing a twenty minute run up and down the stairs.. which was kinda fun in an incredibly dorky way. Up.. down.. up.. down.. by the end I was fatigued and I tripped up the stairs and tumbled onto the landing. This was not just any tumble. It was a somersault and a half. I lay on the floor stunned and then I just laughed at myself for five minutes. Good thing I'm living by myself and no-one could see me sprawled in hysterics on the floor.

next! sit ups! the muffin top is still there.. I guess that can't be helped. By twenty sit ups. I might be expecting too much [You know.. the Hello Kitty tattoo is only a year old and it seems to be faded already, should I be going in for a touch up or something?]

And then push ups. It's been a long time between push ups [actual push ups and not sexual push ups, you sick puppies] and I found that I couldn't do any "men's" push ups anymore and I could only do those "girly" ones.

Let me explain the difference, "mens" push ups are the ones where you lift up your entire body weight by arm strength. "Girly" push ups are the ones on your knees where you push forward [even in exercise the girls are on their knees...]

I can't put my finger on really why this irritated me, other than the fact that I'm unable to lift my own body weight.

I was bemoaning this to Mexicana who just said in her sensible way.. "you're a girl, it's a girl push up. " .. "But.. but I used to be able to do a men's push up!"

None of this, of course, was helped by the fact that Minnie kept attacking my face thinking I was trying to play with her. "Leave me alone! I am trying to exercise! GHDFHGDFHD"

Clearly the elements are working against me and don't want me to exercise.

[oh Sex on fire by Kings of Leon is an excellent song to workout to.. "whoaaaaaa! your sex is on fiiire!"]

D is for Desmond

When we were seventeen, Alphabeta and I had a friend called Des. We had seen him briefly in person but we talked to him mostly over the internet. This was put down to what we assumed was extreme shyness.

One day Alphabeta sat me down and said that he wasn’t shy but he was traumatized. Des was in the city one night with a friend when they encountered some youths who demanded his wallet. His friend handed over his straight away. But Des refused and was put into hospital as a result.

He never talked to his friend again, he regarded it as a betrayal. And from that he slowly slipped inwards, he never really left the house unless he had to.

From my seventeen year old mind, I didn’t really understand [well of course I’d also never been beaten to a pulp] and I was frustrated with what I perceived to be his stubbornness in getting back out and living his life. Rainbows, butterflies and trips to the beach. How could he be so blind and not see these things??

So I thought I would take the hard tack and I told him that what he was doing was an utter waste of life. That he was a coward for hiding out and living his life from his bedroom.

Des never talked to me again after that

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/balcony-fall-teens-parents-travelling-to-sydney/2008/10/28/1224956014962.html

I read this in the papers today. It broke my heart. I think of her just trying to get through the experience. I think of him who has to live with so many scars physically and emotionally, and I wonder if he will become like Des. I wonder what Des is doing now.

One for the road

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?

A. Who cares why?! She shouldn't have been let out of the kitchen! Chain her back to the sink!



[This is only funny when I tell it. Nobody with half a penis should ever attempt to tell this joke]

Feeling wistful lately

Toast

So today is a new day and despite everything I have to get up and live life as per normal.

I have to eat. And I haven't eaten properly for two [two!] weeks now so I decided to hack into some toast.

Halfway as I was eating, it occurred to me that if there were any miracle Jesus faces on my toast, it would be all gone now and it would be a downright waste of miracle [that is if God was sending me any to cheer me up]

But then I thought about it, and I felt sorry for those people who spend all their time studying their breakfast as opposed to eating it.

Wouldn't it just ruin your breakfast if you received Jesus toast and then every morning after you popped more bread in the toaster.. nothing? It wouldn't be such a great start to the day.
Breakfast of course being the most important part of the day [says the food industry].

You and me are floating on a tidal wave

I don't know how to condense eleven years of memories into an appropriate essay. My skills as a writer are failing me.

I mean this to be a goodbye to my best friend. Who listened to me patiently everyday for the last eight years. Who saw my physical flaws and didn't flinch. Who steadfastly put up with every family dinner, every crazy fight and every unreliable friend.

For sharing my tears
For being my backbone when I had none

My words fail me because I cannot aptly put into words how much these eight years have meant to me, for you to have been with me every step of the way. I can't adequately express it.

It's time for me to go it alone.

I love you.
Please take care of yourself.