Done for 2010!

She: Your life is so romantic because you see it so romantically. Don't ever change babe ok?



I’ve written and rewritten this thing like three or four times because I can’t accurately convey how momentous 2010 was to me.
I stood awestruck in front of Van Gogh’s Room at Arles and De Kooning’s Woman V. I was in the crowd chanting to Salt N Pepa’s Push It and I sang along with everyone to Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer. I looked Bono in the eye! I danced with 500 people in unison to Greased Lightning. I learnt to drive manual. I was proposed to on a busy street. I was soul wrenchingly-mind blowingly kissed [“Do you know you give me a certain look after we kiss? It’s like you’ve gone away somewhere and then come back. Where do you go Mush?”]
And I picked myself up from the grave because I told myself I could.

Somewhere along the way I found whatever it is that I lost and I bring it with me as I start rebuilding my life in 2011.

It’s been one helluva ride. Merry Christmas everybody. This is my last post for the year –see you on the flip side.

On the motorbike

Every once in a while, if you can - while you can - you should do something completely spontaneous, random and out of character. So when he said 'I'll take you to see the sunrise on my bike', I just kind of nodded. Oh, what the hell. I don't want to regret never doing this on my death bed [even though, ironically sitting on an unprotected contraption could possibly bring me closer to my death bed anyway].

He blinked. Wow, I didn't think you would agree.

I did not agree to getting up at 4:30.

Seriously sitting on the back of that thing, you start to have really interesting thoughts on the state of your mortality. Namely, you are alive -but it's highly likely that that truck coming round the corner will make you a wee bit dead. Or that car. Any car. A pedestrian. An errant pot hole. Chicken Little.

He kept turning his head to talk to me the entire way [it's kind of funny when your helmets bounce off each other. Wonk. ] and I was feverishly thinking 'eyes on the road! eyes on the road!'
You have to give me credit for not clinging onto him like a deranged koala on my first time.

I'm really glad I did it and its crossed off. But I don't know if I would enthusiastically jump up and down to volunteer for the next ride. I liked it but I'm just not an adrenaline junkie - epiphany 67#.

[On a side note, I may associate motorbikes with death because I grew up watching honkie movies where the protagonist with the motorbike always dies. Thanks for that Andy Lau, I blame you.]

Not enough Campbell in my life

Campbell: This cop pulled me over and he was all 'I saw you talking on the phone' and I said 'No, I didn't' and he said 'I saw you.' So what could I say except for 'yeah okay fine I did.'
And then I asked him if I could sweet talk him out of it and he said I couldn't.

Mush: You asked if you could sweet talk yourself out of a ticket...AhAHAHAHA.. you did not!

Campbell: I so did.

Mush: Lady, you seriously have balls of steel.

--

And then the two of us walked down the street singing harmonies on What's my name by Rihanna. Oh na na na what's my name? what's my name? And of course talking about how Drake makes us want to drop our milk on the floor too [that's not a euphemism]. I really miss that girl! I didn't get to see her enough this year.

--

I have a big long post to write which I've been writing in my head for about two weeks now but that will have to wait. I take my first motorbike ride tomorrow.. wish me luck yeah? Rounding off 2010 with one last challenge!

Things I'm loving 45#

Beach House - Norway
Don't you know it's true?

Love it. It feels like driving past a beach at night.

On our way to Bon Jovi!

He: This is my first concert...
Me: Oh. Really. You're going to lose your concert virginity with me.
He: Yeah, you're going to pop my cherry.

Like a doll

Whenever I see Mystic Meg, she always tells me I look like a Japanese doll.
Mush: So how do I look?
Mystic Meg: Like a frigging doll. You belong on a shelf.
She's my go-to for a compliment. She really is.

Random Photos December 2010

So I'm procrastinating.
Procrastinating with writing
Procrastinating with designing a new layout [transparencies are so 2010 no?]

I'm supposed to be sleeping because I have a big day tomorrow.

Look! the road is giving us philosophical code

Someone was clearly high writing copy.

Love love Jay Z

Coincidentally the meaning of life is also u2!

It's a plan.

Mush: Let's make a deal. If I don't leave in February, we will go to San Francisco together in July, walk around, do nothing.
Speedy: [eyes wide open] Go to a baseball game!
Mush: We will totally go to a baseball game. [Mentally writes that on the bucket list] The 49ers yes?
Speedy: The clubs, we have to hit the clubs.
Mush: Of course. That's a given.
Speedy: Vegas! We have to do Vegas since you did it with your parents last time *breathes in* So. Much. Fun.
Mush: We're agreed?
Speedy: We're agreed!
Mush: Shake!

I love those moments when life just gives you something to look forward to.

---

And what I really needed was to go out and get my dance on. One really good friend, my favourite bar, a shitload of really good songs [Walk this way! Ghetto Superstar! Shook me all night long!] and I feel normal normal like I retrieved something that went missing. It was totally worth another pair of ruined shoes.

Hilariously I bumped into that prostitute recruiter from a few months ago, she's still hanging around there looking for new bait. She didn' t recognise me however and I wasn't about to greet her.

Mexicana: Of course, she didn't recognise you. You're just one of the other prostitutes that got away.
Mush: AHAHAHA. Thanks babes.

Thanks Google Maps!

When you type 280 George St into Google Maps, it tells you that 280 George St is where A is.
Next to Town Hall, thus across from St Andrew's Cathedral and next to the Police Station.
280 George St is not near any of those places, 280 George St is [and I would think that all you Sydneysiders would get why I'm so mad] is down near Hunter St, close to the Establishment- next to Australia Square Building. That's a good fucking twenty blocks. I've marked the actual location with a little x.

So I was unbelievably late to my meeting [flustered and sweaty is always a good look], I've ruined my heels, and I have something like seven blisters from the experience. I figure I will be limping for the next three days from the looks of things.

When I finally got in, he said to me with a puzzled look "I'm not sure why everyone always thinks that our offices are in Town Hall. You're not the first one." Huh.

Fuck you Google Maps. I say fuck you and my poor feet say fuck you, and just an all round fuck you for dicking people around. And I'm going back to Whereis.. which of course has the right address.



How hard is that? It's only just a major cosmopolitan area! You owe me a new pair of shoes Google Maps but if you gave them to me I would only take them to lob them at your head. /End rant.

Thoughts for midnight

I wonder if you can get RSI from giving someone a handjob for too long? What if you have a weak wrist?

At Goldfish

I'm so lazy with picture posting lately [photoshop yawn]. I still have an entire phone full of random object photos to put up at some point. I miss my pink Casio in widescreen.. These look a little.. boxy.


Mush: hey Dylmah and SM are starting to look like each other!
Alv: Do you think he's morphing into her or she's morphing into him
Mush: I think they're simultaneously melding...
Alv: hahaha! Who's the guy and who's the girl in this picture? When have you ever seen a guy pose like that?
Mush: He just did!

[Actually I think they look really sweet together, Alv is just cynical.]

My hypothetical imaginary sowing machine

So for the past two weeks, other than the obligatory I-am-chasing-something-dream, I've been waking up feeling like I'm missing a sowing machine.

I'm pretty sure I've never owned a sowing machine. So I was bothered by the reoccuring feeling that I had misplaced one somewhere. Sowing machines are relatively big and bulky- you'd be hard pressed to lose them in a move.

So I just kind of filed it in the back of my head, but I was .. befuddled. Every morning.

I was walking around in Ikea with my Aunty L yesterday when she suddenly turned to me and said "Hey, I need your sowing machine to make some cushion covers.. can I borrow it?"
I don't think I'll ever double take like that ever again.
"I don't have a sowing machine."
"Yes you do."
"No, I don't."
She looked a little bemused and exasperated "You do, you bought one ages ago. What happened to it?"
And now I was really spinning out. "Why would I do something like that? .. I really don't remember owning one."

Well who would know better than SB right? The quickest way to get to the bottom of this. I didn't really want to bother him [but what the hell, I'm sure he's used to my randomness by now.] so I fired off a text while we were wandering around the kitchen section.

Mush: Hey, sorry to bother you but I had to ask. I think I had a sowing machine once and then I lent it to someone, do you remember who I lent it to?

Fifteen minutes later
SB: I don't remember that you have a sowing machine. You were thinking of getting one but didn't. If you have one, it's at Aunty L's or with Tatergirl. Sorry, maybe I have a bad memory.
[I can kind of see him giving my msg a deep sigh.]

I turned to L triumphantly. See?! He says I don't have a sowing machine. There's no sowing machine. And there's no sowing machine at your place. I'm just crazy. And uhhh... you're crazy.

L: Oh my God. The two of you have some sort of young person dementia. Ask your mum.

I headdesked at the first available desk. So many of them at Ikea.

Mush: Do I own a sowing machine?
Mum: You did. I think Tatergirl took it. I don't remember the details.
Mush: Wait. She took it? Why would I let her do that? I owned a sowing machine??
Mum: You really should ask her for it back yeah?

L waved her triumphant little flag at this victory, she reassuringly patted me on the shoulder. It's ok. You have really bad memory loss, I'm sure there's medicine for that.

I don't even know where Tatergirl is to ask her for my imaginary sowing machine back. How ridiculous.

He doesn't remember it and I don't remember it, but everyone else does -is that kind of simultaneous repression healthy? I've worked so hard to put everything behind me that in a weird way it's like nothing ever happened at all. I guess you can't really put everything completely away because your subconscious is going to kick up a fuss and sowing machines are going to show up in your dreams.

** Mexicana just said there's no sowing machine! Is there or isn't there one??

High Points, low points

I received a text this afternoon [paraphrased]: I'm so normally in control, but I don't feel like I have any at the moment.

Myabe I worry too much lately, I automatically had images of her getting in a punch-up. I was mentally ticking off hospitals in my head when I dialled her back.

Me: Are you ok?!
She: [beaming sunshine over the phone] yes, I'm in love.
Me: *blink blink* You're in what?
She: I think I'm in love.
Me: That's.. great!.... You scared the holy fkn bejeesus out of me.

I'm really happy for her but I'm going to personally need a hospital if people keep sending me messages without context.

--

While I've been on a fairly even keel lately, even I can't keep up the whole Pollyanna thing 247. I still have my low points and I've think I've been lucky that they've been relatively brief. Off the top of my head they were:
1# The rock throwing outing. Seriously nothing can really make you feel worse than feeling like you can't throw a stupid pebble properly.

2# The great email hack. I [don't ask me how] managed to get back into my work email to find my copy and my emails had been deleted and were completely irretrievable. I get that it's ridiculous sentimentality on my part but I still get a little lump thinking about it so.moving on right away.

And then yesterday. Yesterday! Now that I have some perspective and hindsight you know it's kind of funny but I was going to seriously meltdown into my rice noodles at the time.

I was at yum cha with my parents, my two aunties and uncle. I thought it might be a good time to bring up going overseas with them. As it turns out, I didn't really get to say much because all at once the five of them started squabbling. about me and what I should do with my life. Not ordinary squabbling. Asian squabbling. Death by argument.

[I'm just going to randomly number everyone because I can't even remember who wanted what now]
1#: She should break her lease now and go home. She should go home.
2#: She doesn't want to leave her apartment, she's going to go work in a coffee shop to tide things over.
1#: Why would a girl with her degrees go back and work in a coffee shop?? That's just stupid
2#: She can manage a restaurant! I know someone!
3#: She should go on holiday for two weeks
1#: So therefore break the lease!
2#: And where the heck is all her furniture going to go? She has to come back to something.
3#: She'll buy a storage shed and put it in my yard.

I'm not joking about any of this conversation and it went back and forward for a good forty minutes [just to be clear, I'm not buying a storage shed]. I just kind of sat there and stared at them and was starting to feel really really sorry for myself

Occasionally someone would remember that I was there and would say:

Mush, what do you want to do?

And before I could open my mouth to say "San Francisco" .. someone would answer for me! And on and on it went until they actually wearied themselves out and of course, came to no conclusion. The world's longest and most torturous lunch. The Guantanamo Bay of yum cha.

As we were leaving [and holy crap, was I glad to be leaving! I almost broke into a run.] my stepdad patted me on the shoulder, "you know, you can come home anytime. We'd be happy to have you." And it's nice to know that if everything bottoms out, there are still my parents. They are still my parents.

I think I will know in less than a month whether San Francisco [God, those four syllables. Roll them over your tongue.] is a viable option. At the moment I'm sitting knee-deep in a pile of my books, if I had known that I was going to be doing so much moving in my adult life, I probably would have been smarter and not bought so many (although would Past Mush have listened? Probably not.).

At the end of the night

At half past two in the morning if you find yourself in Macquarie Bank playing ping pong... that really is as weird as it sounds. It was weird. Life is strange. I give up trying to explain it.

Laugh Club

First attempt! I was trying to think of a way to convey what we're like together without taking video [writing. fail. lately.]. Maybe I'll do some more of these if the mood strikes me, I'd probably prefer to be doing this over a graphics tablet but atm this will do.. and yes, we really are going to go to a Laugh Club sometime soon. Ahahahahah. Ahem.

**I had a helluva time trying to resize and the image was leaking into my borders. So click through yeah?

The next steps

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
-Ordinary People/ John Legend

Oh hello lethargy, where have you been? I've been expecting you. I love that you come right as I'm staring at this ACMA application

---

She yanks out my iPod and replaces it with her own.
I look at her. What are you doing?
She just kind of shrugs and grins.
The first bars of an electronic song I vaguely recognise start blasting out of my speakers.
I roll my eyes, mmm... you're so much cooler than me.
She laughs, yeah I am!
And then .. it hits me and I recognise it. Oh my God, you didn't.
Yeah I did!
oooooooooOOOooooooo.. Barbra Streisand ... ooooooooooooOOOOoooooOOOOO
She's dancing and singing away in the passenger seat and my hand involuntarily starts to move towards my forehead. My window is wide open and people in the next car are enjoying this.
She turns to me, are you ASHAMED?
Nono, of course not. Ahem. ooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooo. The times where we get together and be goofy are really few and far between lately.

----

So I'm eating my fish fingers [and am I the only person in the world who would order fish fingers in a restaurant?] and I pose the question to her again for the 70,000th time for the past two years.
Mush: When are you coming back?
Mexicana: 10 months
Mush: And what if I left? What if now was as good a time as any to finally pack up my bags and go work overseas?
Mexicana: I'm going to come back.. and you're going to leave? .....
Mush: That urge to get up and go has never been stronger than right now.
Mexicana: You should do it.
Mush: Sorry?
Mexicana: Do it. You've been talking about it since I don't know when. So you should do it.
Mush: I'm fkn terrified.
Mexicana: It looks terrifying, but once you get over that first step and get the ball rolling.. it won't be so scary. [pause] Don't let me stop you from going.
==

I took her to the airport and I just twinged at all the travelling I haven't done, at all the travelling she's about to do. You miss someone and they haven't left yet.

==

Egg: Well what's keeping you here?
Mush: Absolutely nothing actually
Egg: What do you have to lose?
Mush: Money. Lots and lots of money.
Egg: Money is replenishable. Every reason you give yourself not to go is just excuses.

==

So here I sit summoning up the courage to possibly take the next big move of my life. [and not to digress: but fuccckkkk.. do you think I'm pushing my recovery a little hard? All this pushing can't be a good thing.] I look around my apartment and I love my little apartment but I've kept all these moving boxes hidden for a reason, this was never supposed to be a permanent stay.
The first step would be to walk out the door and buy an open-ended ticket. Of course, I have to remove myself from the couch first. Where is my nerve? I lost it somewhere.