Someone's secret

Even though I put on a brave face most of the time, I still secretly hope [and I guess pray] that a person worth waiting for will show up soon. Sometimes these shoulders get heavy. In the meantime, I'm glad that this person found what they were looking for.

**There are more postcards if you click on the photo

Running Over

On my way home I almost ran over [ in this succession]:

• A bicycle rider- Don't cut in front of me, you stupid mofo- do you want to die??I am in a giant steel contraption and you are not. I don't want to have to describe to you what two lanes are for. My giant steel contraption is going at a speedy 60kmh and you're taking your stupid bike at what looks like 10kmh, if you cut in front of me and I know you can see me, you are one incredibly moronic bike rider or really the most presumptious dickhead that ever lived. Also your shorts are giving you a wedge and you look stupid.

• A cute little yorkie not on a lead- Dear lady, that dog is a puppy. It's not trained. If it's not trained, the chances of it running onto the road are really really fucking high. Are you aware of how narrow our street is. KEEP IT ON A LEAD I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SQUASH YOUR DOG.

• A pedestrian- Lady, if you see my car coming- don't step in front of it. Just don't. I know you think you are all important and that I'm going to brake for your highness to cross but one of these days there'll be a person that doesn't brake and you're going to be flat stanley. Just sayin'

• A kid chasing a ball- Kid, you are stupid. There's the ball. This is a car. Car. Ball. Car. Ball. Omg, I get that you lack the faculties of consequence because you're a kid. I get it. But ^%&*534*&O^ [At this point I think my head has exploded and is leaking brain fluid]

I'm going to go lay down now as I'm feeling just a wee bit cranky.

Sweets for the sweet

Sitting on a Saturday night under a giant umbrella with a good friend and eating chocolate heart ice cream. [Cute waiters are a bonus.]

** While I'm typing this I can hear a guy in the next building drunkenly serenading [his girlfriend?] with what sounds like a ukelele. Occasionally he yodels. Tres romantic.

Beach Weather

Only some want to fly

"In a sky full of people, only some want to fly,
Isn't that crazy?"
-Crazy, Seal

So I was sitting on the bus next to my workmate and she mentions that she's going to get married in China next month. And I'm all "Next month?What? I didn't even know you had a boyfriend"

Her: I've been with him for ten years. He's been asking me for five. Quick huh?

Me: Er, where's the planning? What about your dress? and the reception?

Her: Oh, we're not having a reception. We're just going to take photos.

Me: ........... And he's been asking you for five years? Why now?

Her: He just kept asking so I just gave up.

Me: That's.... not good. Do you even like him??

Her: Yeah, I kind of do. he's nice. Practical. More practical than me if that's possible. I kept refusing but finally I said yes. I think he really loves me. My mum says that it doesn't matter if you love the guy as long as he's a stable match.

Me: Where are you going to live??

Her: We haven't decided yet. He doesn't want to move to Australia. We'll figure it out.

Well clearly, I'm still living in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane because I believe that love should be the basis of marriage, and settling is really really the wrong answer. But am I wrong? Wouldn't love make life [and at least sex] easier? I figure you have to spend forever with that person, boy you really have to love them because you have another forty years of picking up socks, arguing over road directions and general I-stand-by-you-regardless-of-annoying-habits.

She is .. I think worried about her marriage chances diminishing, she's thirty-one and if I'm guessing correctly then her parents are nagging the holy moly out of her to just pick one and pop out the babies. And also it's a culture thing- in Asia, settling is still better than nothing.

Still.. still.. not marrying the one you love and the one you kind of like .. I wish her happiness and I hope it works out for her. I would rather be alone than make that type of choice- I guess if nothing happens in the next five years then I won't have to make that kind of a choice. Hmm.

This morning:

I think my job is sucking out my soul in a vortex of unparalleled misery and despair.

This morning I woke up and felt .. miserable. I really felt like a sack of cement and the idea of getting out from under my covers and going to work was interminable. But somehow I pushed myself out the door [who knows how] and ventured out. As I took the ferry, I started feeling worse- normally the water cheers me right up but I was playing out all the feelings of dread.

Should I turn around? I can turn around right now but if I turn around right now then there'll be no-one to do my job and everything will be stuffed up. Fuck. I have to move. Towards the Bus. Move feet move.

By the time I got to work I was close to a full-on meltdown. I sat in my chair and then the tears started. They wouldn't stop. And my shirt was getting really really wet. [which is funny now if you think about it, it looked like I had spilled something on it]

Egg2 pulled me downstairs and those tears became some full on wracking hysterical sobs, the likes of which I really hadn't seen in a good eight months. "IdontwanttobehereIwanttogohomeohGodIfeellikeshitandImnotdealingwiththisplacetoday", he stood there with me until they were finished [which I'm really really grateful for], and then I squared my shoulders and headed back upstairs. When I reached my computer I had an email from Betty. She was leaving her job, effective of five o clock.

I slumped back into my chair and thought "God, what a brave brave woman- I have no courage to leave this job at all, I'm only going round and round making myself miserable and my shirt wet." Crap, if I can handle the casino for four years I can handle this. Right? Right.

When work finished, Magdalena called me
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"I got terminated today."
"You what??? Is there something in the water..?"
"I got terminated I don't have payout but it's ok- I feel so much lighter. I hated that job."

There is no real point to this anecdote. I'm happy that they're out for bigger brighter pastures and I can be a really big baby when I don't want to go to work. True story.

Sunday Morning Wedding

"If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. "
-Sonnet XIV






Is wedding cake worth being on the singles table?

Boys with Girlfriends

So at the moment I'm being chased by three separate guys all with matching girlfriends. Apparently my forehead is tattooed 'Available for nookie. Apply Within.'

Mexicana just shakes her head and says "Can you tell just them all to get f*cked? And to stop messaging you so late??- I'm trying to sleep!"

And the only thing I can say is "Look, I'm hardly singing a siren's song here. If they want to press auto destruct then let them press it, but I'm not to get involved and baby them through self-destruct. They'll eventually figure out they don't actually like me- get some self-awareness and realise that it's symptomatic of deeper issues."

Mexicana: Whatever. Don't message back these douches.

So I wake up this morning to this text message [Alone! I'm waking up alone! My vibrator says hello!]:

"Hi how are you? I don't know if I am doing the right thing.. I am _____'s gf I know he is going out with you and some other girls as well, we've been fighting for weeks. I love him but I'm not happy to be cheated on especially. There are some serious issues happening right now and I feel very bad."

Oh My Fucking God. I have nothing to do with this one- and this one has a girlfriend too?? Why would she start off with 'How are you..?'. I quickly fire back a text with "we're not going out! Talk to your boyfriend! ARGH!" [ok fine, it was slightly more modified than that]

Let's process.

I'm very sorry for this girl and that she has to resort to this instead of dumping his ass. But I'm really really sick of all these suicidal squirrels. If you find that your hold is slipping- don't take a sleeping pill, don't send out random-o texts. Don't beg him. TALK TO HIM. Of course, you can do all these things listed above[as your suicidal squirrel personality dictates]but you're going to find your dignity is showing like a g string on a cheap hooker.

Secondly, the other thing is that- I haven't seen this guy in donkeys years and I'm not going out with him. So can I safely assume that these other "girlfriends" are figments of her imagination as well? and geez, I can't figure which would be sadder- if he was actually doing the dirty on her or if she was so insecure that all she could see is him doing the dirty on her.

When did my life become the Jerry Springer show anyway? I'll be the one throwing the chairs. Anyway guess where I'm heading off to now ..?! a wedding. Life is full of wonderful little ironies.

Hello 2010

I'm trying really hard not to move this morning. I figure that if I move then I have energy and if I have energy, I'm gonna have to get up and clean my bombshelter of an apartment.
I really really don't want to get up and clean.

Polish asked me last night "What was your best New Years Eve?" and I thought about it and I didn't reply her. But my best ever New Years Eve was actually on the side of a highway. We were driving and didn't even notice the time until 2 past 12. He pulled over and I got a midnight kiss. And that was it. I guess what was special about it was that- it encompassed the best facet of New Years Eve -which is that it's really about is time stopping and passing that defining moment with that special someone. It's not about fireworks and big crowds but about people and who you choose to record your personal history with.

Last night was.. last night was weird. I don't have a single descriptive word for it but even now I'm kind of processing it [and ignoring all the empty plastic cups in front of my monitor]

So normally if I do say so myself- I throw a good party. I occasionally slip and throw a dud but it doesn't happen very often. Well I just threw a dud so I guess lady luck took a hike. A tonne of people who promised to show didn't show and so what I was left with was a very small group. A group of four to be exact. But I wasn't going to let that get me down right? I was still going to have fun.

So we trooped down to my local park which was busting with people and we talked and drank and ate, and it was good until the fireworks were over. We headed back to my place and we were all getting just a little bit too tipsy and someone recommended that we go dancing [I think it might have been me], we piled onto that great idea. And all of a sudden we were in a convertible heading to Watsons Bay. I became lucid during that car ride and finally asked the question "Why are we heading away from my place which has a great view of the fireworks?". Magdalena piped up "Well, Watsons Bay has fireworks as well!". Um. Ok. Meanwhile Polish was woo-hooing everytime we turned a corner, I was putting down the woo-hoo down to exuberance and not alcohol meltdown. Watch out for the alcohol meltdown.

So we got there and the park was.. gross. I'm not just saying that because I have a natural bias for my own park. We got separated and so I stood by the hillside waiting for the fireworks- when something rolled down the hill which I thought was a balloon. No-one went to pick it up so I thought 'Oh, what the hell" and I slid down the slope to go get it. It wasn't a balloon, it was a soccerball and I climbed back up with it. No-one called for it [or maybe they were too embarrassed to] So now I was the owner of a dinky looking soccerball. I tucked the ball under my arm and I waited for the fireworks. The fireworks started annnnnnd it was crap. Well I'm sure it wasn't crap from a good vantage point but it was crap because the fireworks were so far away that they were like thumbnails.
And while I was getting irritated watching miniature scales, some guy comes up to me and asks

"Are you lonely?" ...

I don't know why he would ask that -either I give vibes of total loneliness and despair or he simply picked the worst pick up line known to mankind. I like to think it was the latter because I'm pretty sure I was giving vibes of annoyance. But what the hell -it's New Years and I'm going to be polite.

"No, I'm not lonely. I'm just watching the fireworks [sort of- if you can call this watching]"

"Oh." Good conversationalist! "Where are you from?"
"I'm from here." [I'm also an awesome conversationalist, do you see?]

and he couldn't think of anything else to say because Polish came bounding up, she mentioned something about peeing in the bushes and yelled "Happy New Year! What are you doing talking to this Greek guy?"
Him: I'm not Greek- I'm Israeli
Her: Same thing. Happy New Year! and then she hugged him. Oi.

And then all of a sudden we were surrounded by his friends and they stood off to the side and started speaking Arabic or Hebrew . They kept gesturing towards us, or maybe I was holding their soccer ball. "Well anyway Bye!" I said brightly, the guy gave me big fat puppy dog eyes and I dragged Polish off to Magdalena and company. As I was dragging her off, Polish kept trying to take the ball off me and I think peg it at someone but I held onto it and she started laughing "I hate you!".

When we got to a spot to sit, she collapsed and passed out with her legs spread, everyone walking past us was getting a very good view.
"Aw, frick", Ralph turns to me "How did that happen?! I'm not carrying her to the car". I dunno. I'm flicking through the camera when I see a crotch shot. OMG. She has taken a photo of herself peeing! I shriek and I'm about to fling the camera away puritan that I am, and scream "I've seen her vagina- take it away- my eyes burn!". Magdalena eyes me and says "How do you know that it was her vagina?"
"It had hair on it"
.......... Everyone takes a moment to digest this. Magdalena starts looking a bit green, no-one asks to see the camera.
I nudge Polish's unconscious body. "I know you can't really hear this but I'm deleting this photo because I really think you'll regret it tomorrow and also I want to be able look you in the eye at some point in the future." No response. OK, picture gone forever.

After fifteen minutes, we wake her up and make our way back to the car. The traffic is awful. An hour and a half for a fifteen minute drive.

First regret of the New Year: Why didn't we stay at mine? It's like a subliminal hum running through the car.
Ralph's impatience almost runs two pedestrians over. As we're stopped again, two men in bathing suits are on top of an apartment building wave to us "Happy New Year!" and we yell back "Happy New Year" except for Ralph who yells "Take it all off!". And then they do. They pull down their bathing suits and moon us. Except that they pull them down so low that I can see all of their frontal bits as well. Oh God. They start to laugh hysterically and yell "There's more where that came from!". I don't like how this bodes for 2010 - a vagina and two penises in less than an hour.


The car is quiet until we get to the city and then Polish stops the car, .. "I live here." and Ralph lets her out [he's dying to get home]. Except that she doesn't live here. She doesn't live anywhere near here. Um? I'm frantically gesturing She doesn't live here! but she keeps walking off and her skirt is falling off. Like really falling off. It's halfway around her waist. We can't let her walk off 'home' with her clothing coming off her! So we stop and try to get her back in the car but she stubbornly insists she lives there. We're stumped. There's no convincing her to get back in the car, we have no kidnapping skills to speak of and so Ralph drives off.

When we finally get back to mine, I crash straight into bed and wake up to my poor beloved insanely messy apartment, 17,000 paper plates and a new soccerball. Hello 2010.