Where did he go?

Since I left you,
I found the world so new everyday

-Since I left you, The Avalanches

Hail Mary, Full of weekends

I find that I only truly want to blog when I'm upset. I am not upset, therefore no blog posts. Much.

Also we can attribute my lack of posts to my taking of Executive B Stress vitamins. Seriously. Vitamins. Not Prozac.


I've been fairly mellow the entire weekend, when I should probably have been more upset.

Anyway. I don't want to talk about the stupid casino. Repress. Repress. Breathe. Better.

Friday Night.






Eastern European vodka. Only for sadomasochists.

See the shirt? This is what I wear to my new job and i went straight from work to the restaurant. Saint Mary asked where I'd been

And I looked at her like she was nuts: work. I was at work.

She took one look at said shirt and said: You wore that shirt and tie to work, don't you think that it's overly sexualised?!

I think if I didn't find it funny, I would be well on my way to being offended.

so I turned to her and said "of course not, I am a stripper"

By the way I don't think it's too tight. So Nyeah.

There was a girl at that party we'll call her Pachinko who was dressed like a harajuku girl. I was quite impressed by her gumption [and I don't mean that sarcastically] because down to the last detail, she had thought about how to look Japanese. From her fascinator to her handwarmers to her dolls hanging off her belt to her hot pink Doc Martens, she could have stepped off the pages of Egg magazine.

Except for this one thing, she was very distinctly Chinese, she leeched Chinese from her pores. I don't know why. It was like undistilled essence or something. It was bizarre.

So we moved in different circles [and I honestly did admire her, she really did look unique in a way I couldn't have pulled off] and when I stepped outside to the smokers circles, she stuck her head outside the window.

She called out to me [and we'd never spoken before]: You look Japanese! You look so Japanese!

I smiled at her, being polite: Yeah, people tell me that a lot.

And she sighed: You look so Japanese. And then she dipped her head.. in resignation?!

Can i just ask what is the correct thing to say in that situation??

Here is the correct thing to say in that situation: I may look Japanese, but you're dressed Japanese, and if you put my head on top of your clothing, I would look like a fuckwit and a half, so really you should appreciate having your head and your body, and not try to be something that you're not.

Of course, I didn't say that- but you can be damn sure I was thinking it.

--

Saturday Night: Same Restaurant: Yes I went twice in two days. I am obviously insane.








--

I was coming out of the locker room today when I saw Coffee, I walked straight past him and kept on walking, I knew that if I stopped and talked to him, I would just immolate myself later, I would wait for the phone call that would never come. I would beat myself up for using the wrong tone of voice. For not saying the right thing. For scolding him too much. For letting it go too easy. Do you see where this is going?
So I did the right thing. Sometimes the self preservation kicks in. It just takes a while.

This feeling

When everything is done, I still feel like coming home to you.

I want to close my eyes,lay down on the couch and tell you about my day.

It's a little ache.

A little bit about work

So it's my third day at my new job and you know what? I think I like it

I am off my nuts exhausted, but maybe being exhausted is a good thing. Being exhausted means you don't think as much.

Seriously, in the morning my brain wandered off to Coffee guy because I was typing something about audio visual inputs [the irony, it hurts] and then I realised I hadn't thought about him in a while and I was going to give that some thought but then my brain kept saying something to me about beaches. And I lost my train of thought and started thinking about the Isle of Capri. Apparently being tired means I now have the attention span of a seagull.

Try looking for the positive inside of everything!

Most people in the office are pretty nice, well they're not sooper dooper nice but they're nice. Right now, I'd settle for co worker who doesn't want to make me cry. I don't really ask for much.

When I talk about my last job at HiTV communications [I'm going to type that out in full so when people google them, my blog will come up and they'll know that they are bad employers. BAD. Don't buy their products.] I was not entrusted with a single thing- that is everything I did was scrutinised and monitored to a fault. I had to be micromanaged in absolutely everything. I couldn't be trusted to write a f*&^*&^*^ing press release. And I can write press releases in my sleep.

They couldn't trust me to do my job. And I think you shouldn't hire anyone that you don't trust but my hackles were already up from the beginning when I found out that they went through designers like I eat ham sandwiches. So it really was a relationship that was doomed to fail.

One more time for posterity. HiTV communications. Bad employers. Terrible.

I can't stand being micromanaged.

Anyway.

The important part of this is that I'm pretty sure that this place trusts me! I don't need babysitting! I can be given tasks and not have them quadriple-y checked and changed! That in itself is the awesome.

Of course, I'm starting to feel it doesn't take that much to make me happy, but maybe thats a good thing too.

First day at work.

The truth is that lately I'm v v lazy to blog lately and I'm chalking it up to the fact that I am bone numbingly exhausted. I spent the whole weekend

a) fighting with co-workers

b) trying to sort things out with Sb

c)looking for parking spots

d)shaking drunk friends off toilets [which seriously is an entire story in itself]

I have sixteen billion things to say but no energy to type any of them

Needless to say< I was so buggered that I almost fell asleep at my computer at two in the afternoon. It was an auspicious start

Dance like you think no-one is watching.

The good thing about me [I have good things!] is that I bounce back quickly so firstly if you try to appease me, the likely thing is I'm going to go with it and secondly I'm partial to absurd situations so after I sulk about something, I'm usually done- I won't go on about it for three days, unless I'm using it as some sort of anecdote.

I had a horrible case of the moops this morning connected to last nights moops and I slept like.. someone who couldn't sleep.

So when I rolled into work this morning, I was a wet eyed bundle of joy.

I was trying to explain myself to Campbell and she wasn't getting it, and finally I exclaimed at her "Can you hear what I'm saying! Why don't you get it?!"

And she replied "I get it."

And this is how I know that Campbell knows how to handle me better than I know how to handle myself.

She said "I get it. Let's dance."

And then she proceeded to contemporary dance all over the bar. Complete with twists, little jumps and handflicks.

She extended her hand to me

"Dance."

and together we swivelled and pirouetted til we were tired.

Worst. Day. Ever.

Not one but two fights today.

A goodbye sms.

An inabliity to destress via usual self destructive methods.

Angry. Tired. Angry. Tired. Angry.

Mush. is. slow.

Mush says:
are you getting.. married..?

Betty says:
yeah next friday - are you free?? oh no you have work!! damnit

Mush says:
you're off next friday oO

Betty says:
Heheh no i'm off on monday though

Mush says:
Whats happening next friday?

Betty says: I was joking

Mush: Oh frick. Whoosh.

---
Alv also did that to me today and I had a long roundabout conversation on toyboys where I had no idea what was going on. And ended up with "I'm just joking" and me headslapping myself. I. am. so. slow. today. I think I'm going senile in my old age.

---

So I was carrying a tray of drinks and I felt the need to sneeze.

First sneeze. Ah-h-h-h... And the bottles starts to wobble.

Second sneeze. Choo. And the bottles tip from my tray and go all over the floor. Glass smashes everywhere.

Someone yells TAXI! and the big beverage managers come running up and asking me if I'm ok.

I wheeze amid the liquid debris "I'm.. fine... I just have allergies...".

They look at me like I'm crazy.

Easily happified

This is all it takes to make me happy:

A tv that works.

A close parking space

A packet of cheezels.

A haruki murakami novel.

Boys, boys, boys.

Boys are confusing. And stupid. They come into your life and try to complicate everything and then they fuck back off right out of your life.

It'd be somewhat of an understatement to say I'd appreciate some stability.

I'm not mad or anything about it.

---

Well this is how I got Coffee back into my life for a total of an hour and ten minutes. I called him at two in the morning and was as stated in the previous post. Completely goneskis.

Me: Hullo?! [I honestly didn't think he would pick up]
Him: Hey hey [And just him saying hey hey made me a little fuzzy in the brain. A little fuzzier than usual.]
Me: What are you doing??
Him: My friend just crashed his car and I have to pick him up from the police station.
Me: Oh. [Shitshitshit, why the heck is my brain not functioning properly?? function!] That's ... terrible.
Him: Yes. Are you drinking?
Me: No. [Shut up, I had stopped]
Him: Where are you?
Me: I'm at the Cross.
Him: ... Well.
Me: Rightio. Well you do your thing. And. Call me!

I then hang up and slink back to my friends. Ohmygod,ohmygod, what have I done? Who the heck tells someone to call them after they tell them they're going to the police station?? I give myself so many headslaps that I may be permanently concussed.

So I give him a message the very next morning, because there's no way that I can keep on injuring my head in this manner.

"No more champagne ever. I'm v v sorry. I hope your friend is ok."

And he calls me back! I almost fell off the bed because I seriously was expecting another two months of mind-exploding silence.

And ... he's drunk. It's officially a game of drunk dial ping pong.

He talks to me for a little over an hour before I tell him he had better sleep because he has work.. in seven hours. And can I just say I have no idea how to feel about that? Like I'm obviously no stranger to the drunk dial and who am I to be so judgey judgey when I called him first? But can I just say that I find he reciprocates and responds so much better when he's on something and should I be offended by that??? And this is what I mean by he turns me into a spazmoid. If it was any other person this would be so clear cut and I would instinctively do the right thing instead of flip flopping like a dying fish on a hotplate.

Anyway he asked me to play human alarm clock but I haven't heard anything since.

Sigh. Next.

--

There's this customer at work, he is just a very very nice guy and he's been crushing on me for a while, but I am just waving my hands in a frantic semaphore of "no.". I would never date a poker player. I cannot fathom the amount of time I've spent in the casino unwillingly and then try to wrap my head around the fact that someone would spend the same amount of time in there for fun. Nice guy but no chance.

So I'm attending to him yesterday and suddenly the hand gets big and he's paying attention to the cards.

and he says very quietly:

Mush, I love you.

In all honesty, what kind of reaction would you have if someone said that to you, so spur of the nothing?

And so I did something, and it was completely unintentional [seriously, he should pick someone more classy for a declaration like that]

I laughed.

M: AHAHAH.. sorry? what?

Him: ....... nothing.. I love your work.

M: Fantastic.

And I left him to it.


--

The return of Smiley guy.

http://lifeimitation.blogspot.com/2009/06/relationships-that-are-short-and-bitter.html

In all honesty if I never saw this guy again, I probably wouldn't blink too hard at the thought. In fact, I probably wouldn't blink.

Campbell thinks it cute, and he's cute and I'm probably misconstruing everything by my oversensitivity.

C: He probably thinks you're pretty and just doesn't know how to say it!

M: How about.. you're pretty?!

Anyway, I hadn't seen him around when all of a sudden before my shift he slides into the chair across from mine. Seriously, the presumption.

And this is how he starts the conversation [bearing in mind that I was in a good mood and I actually thought I was having a good hair/face morning.]

S: Your eyes are so red and watery. Are they ok?

Is he aware that ordinary people don't start with the insults until after the obligatory greeting of hello/hi/konnichiwa or hey hey?! No? Someone missed a class in social niceties growing up.

M: [Icy as can be] It's seven in the morning. They are. fine.

S: Oh well they look painful.

Someone is going to get a dose of pain in a minute, and it's not going to be me. He changes the subject before I can kick him in the weiner.

And then we go back down that road of incredibly random conversation and I'm weary of talking to people who I don't really want to talk to. I spend four days a week talking to people who I find mind numbingly repulsive. [The cause of my extortionate phone bill that I'm trying to overcompensate by talking to people that I love.] And he's making me exhausted before my shift. I don't think it shows on my face however because he probably would have commented on how wrinkly I'm becoming.

I mention it to Campbell when I get upstairs, and she coos "That's so sweet! It shows that he really cares! He probably thought you were crying!" And I've said it before sometimes I question how Campbell and I ended up in the same universe, in the same dimension much less the same bar.

The weekend to end all weekends

"I love you in the morning,
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning"

-Sunday, Bloc Party.

So I am twenty six.

At twenty six, I should not:

throw up at clubs.

be ejected from clubs.

Drink til I'm semi unconscious.

Call people in my state of semi unconsciousness

Steal peoples burgers.

Instead I should act like a perfect little lady and sit with my legs crossed and my pinky up and tinkle politely instead of laugh.

Huh, as if any one believes thats going to happen.

Lets just try and start off acting sober first.











I wasn't going to post this picture but I love Dylmah's expression. I'm bored. Take the photo already!



That Eric is such a stud muffin, he just naturally attracts women. See what's going on there?!











I love this photo. It makes me happy. I can honestly tell you now that I have no idea what's in that drink. I remember vaguely asking for a vodka cranberry. That is definitely not a vodka cranberry.





Pulling a pose.

And who the heck is that girl???

When the armwarmers have come off, it means I am goneskis.



And I thought I would end the photoes on a happy note. That's in McDonalds as well! Score for good lighting.

Paper Heart

Can I just say sigh. Oh, Michael Cera. You get me everytime.

Confession

I'm glad that seven other people in this world feel the way that I do.

Instructions on how not to drunk dial.

Instructions on how not to drunk dial.

This is actually quite a basic feat which seems easy but is actually much more difficult than it seems.

1. Take the phone out of your bag.

2. Resist urge to dial. This can mostly be achieved by turning the phone upside down. Or by holding it at arms length

3. Tell yourself that waking up ex-boyfriends/current crushes/irritated friends with "iloveyouiloveyouhowcomeyoudontlovemeiamsonotdrunkiamnot" is not productive and will only be conducive to tears and lots of headdesking later.

4. Take the phone which is hopefully at arms length and hurl it across the room, if you're picky about scratches, try hurling it at your bed or at the nearest couch.

5. Collapse into a puddle on the floor from sheer effort, if you can reach around then pat yourself on the back.

Rinse, lather repeat.

The final outcome is that when you wake up, you will most likely have dry mouth and a headache but not heartache from saying the wrong thing to the wrong people.

What the hell/ employment opportunities.

Well I got my first bite of the interview line today.

And I was a little bit really...? already? well ok.

They sent me a pre-interview package and as I scrolled through it, I started to get a funny feeling. It was not a good funny feeling.

I saw spelling mistakes.

Now spelling mistakes can mean one of two things in an application form. It either one) means that the writer/admin person is ridiculously lazy. or two) that the person writing it is from a non english speaking background.

Question number seven- what do you think for working in a multicultural environment?

Ok non english speaking background, right I am for. what.

And then I got to the bottom of the page and my heart made a little sinking noise when the brain confirmed that the admin guy was chinese.

And the company is chinese. Oh Lord.

Here's the thing: I don't know if you would call me an inverse racist. I like chinese food, some chinese people, I like chinese pop songs [mostly], I however don't like working for chinese people. And I am not fond of being considered/hired based on the fact that my last name is chinese. It annoys me.

The last job I was hired for very pointedly considered me based on my last name. how pointed do you ask? Well they actually told me so during the interview. And should this have scared me? yes. And did I venture into a crappy job where I was eventually let go in a deceitful and shitty manner? yes. [One day, I'll talk about it but to this day it makes my head spin like a mad person]

To put my finger on why this annoys me so much- drum roll it up. I am talented! I am good at everything from admin and marketing to graphic design and writing. I can multi task like nobodys business. I have spent five years and tens of thousands of dollars to get a number of degrees to impress future employers... and all of this is moot when someone sees my ethnic name and thinks that that is the reason that I'm good enough?

That's just .... fucking irritating. Blah.

And so now I'm sitting here debating whether I should even bother to write out this pre-interview stuff and apply for it. It pays ok, total sigh. What am I doing?

Insights at the bar

Me: [in a state of semi outrage] I can't believe he is ignoring me again! How can I have walked into just being ignored again?!

Campbell: You're supposed to ignore him. That's the way of these kinds of relationships. You're not supposed to talk to each other anymore. There are just so many people that you shouldn't be talking to and you talk to them anyway.

Me: Come again?

Campbell: You form attachments to people way too easily.

Me: ...

Campbell: You do. And you expect too much. He's probably just busy.

Me: Sure. Busy.

Campbell: This is how it is with sex these days.

Me: !! We're not having sex! This is not about sex! This is about being ignored!

Campbell: Your problem is you're really really bad at being single.

Me: I haven't been single for eight years. I am not used to being ignored.

Campbell: If you're single, I'd advise you to get used to it.

Me: Great. Something to look forward to.

So Coffee is still ignoring me and six months ago,I would have wailed and paced around the room until there was no carpet left, called everyone I know and pretty much . But six months later, I'm too buggered [thanks casino, lack of parking, jogging routines and dickhead agents] to do anything but lay here and say mean things to him in my head.

Sometimes I think Campbell lives in her own airy fairy world and I get exasperated with her trying to send her back down to earth. And then sometimes shes so observant and emotionally in tune that I just have to sit down for a minute and really really absorb what she's saying.